pounds Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pounds puns

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

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A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute

I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!

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Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

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I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...

Only 15 more to go

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Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

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What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

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Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

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I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

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My favorite rapper is 50 cent

Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

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I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

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My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

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I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I'm British...

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I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

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If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

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A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

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I lost fifty pounds...

Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

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The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

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- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

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Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

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It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds...

Only 12 more to go

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I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds

Only 30 more to go and I'm there!

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If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

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It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

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How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

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What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

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Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

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How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Slap a nipple on it.

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What's good in the US but bad in the UK?

Losing pounds

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What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

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Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

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A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

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I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

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What are the most funny Pounds jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pounds? Well, here are the best Pounds dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pounds pick up lines to share with friends.

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