Pounds Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute

I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!

Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...

Only 15 more to go

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

My favorite rapper is 50 cent

Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I'm British...

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

I lost fifty pounds...

Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds...

Only 12 more to go

I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds

Only 30 more to go and I'm there!

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Slap a nipple on it.

What's good in the US but bad in the UK?

Losing pounds

What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

I'm going to go on a Brexit diet

The pounds will drop fast.

The Royal baby weighed in at almost 9 pounds

Which is just under $15 US

If America switched from pounds to kilos overnight

There'd be mass confusion.

What is heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers.

Bricks are just bricks. But if you carry 200 pounds of feathers you have carry the weight of what you've done to those poor birds.

My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds

Only 13 more to go

Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".

The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".

The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".

"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.

"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"


...told by my parish priest.

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.

Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.

Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.

Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.

Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day

Get a divorce.

Four old ladies were sitting together...

The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"

The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"

The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"

The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"

I lost 70 pounds last month

I got mugged in London

I was admiring my naked body in the mirror today, when I said to my wife, "Look at this! 200 pounds of pure dynamite!"

My wife replied, "Too bad about the two inch fuse!"

How do you make seven pounds of fat look attractive?

Put a nipple in the middle of it

I'm doing well on my New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds

I only have 15 more to go.

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.

She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.

"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."

She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.

The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.

She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

Joe took his blind date, Kim, to the carnival...

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim, and so they ambled over to the 'guess-the-weight' stand. The owner guessed 121 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'guess-the-weight' stand they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

I had a thought the other day

Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.

A men goes to a priest...

-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-

they say a camera adds 5 pounds.

that being the case, do african children even exist?

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

How do you make 3 pounds of fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."

"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."

"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.

"Whose skull is that?"

"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"

The Carnival Date

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.

"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.

By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"

Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it!

I lost 50 pounds once

sadly I was in England at the time.

Skip a Day

During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."

When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"

The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."

"From hunger?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

A 10 year old girl opens her mother's purse, and finds her driver's license

Later, the girl says to her mom, "I know how old you are." The mom asks, "How old am I?" The girl says, "You're 34." The mom says, "You're right!"

The girl then says, "I know how much you weigh." The mom asks her how much, and the girl says, "135 pounds." The mom is a little puzzled, but says, "You're right on that, too."

Finally, the young girl says, "I know why daddy divorced you."

The mother freaks out, and asks, "Why is that?!?!?!"

The girl says, "Because you got an 'F' in Sex."

I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."...

I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."

"Don't you mean dollars?" she replied.

"I know what I mean," I said.

I lost 80 pounds a while back...

British prostitutes are expensive.

A man goes to a community gym...

He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.

Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking hot chick with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.

Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:

"If I catch you, I have my way with you."

A Canadian in New York

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.


"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night...

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you'd look alright. I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.

Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.

Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.


When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.


Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.


Did you follow my instructions?


The blonde nods…


I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."


From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.


No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

What are the funniest pounds jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Pounds? Well, here are the best Pounds puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Pounds pick up lines to share with friends.

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