Pounds Jokes
112 pounds jokes and hilarious pounds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pounds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pounds Short Jokes
Short pounds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pounds humour may include short kilos jokes also.
- When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.
- A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!
- Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I'm dropping pounds Only two, but still more than anyone expected.
- A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward
- My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
- In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.
- I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds! The only problem is I'm British...
- I regret joining the gym recently.. leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds
- Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs? They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.
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Pounds One Liners
Which pounds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pounds? I can suggest the ones about pound town and dollars.
- To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.
- What is great in the US but awful in the UK? Losing pounds
- I set out to lose 10 pounds this month... Only 15 more to go
- How are dog catchers paid? By the pound!
- I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go
- My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
- I lost 40 pounds in a day; but I also lost my babysitting job.
- I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
- The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
- - Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds? - 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?
- It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds... Only 12 more to go
- What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds? Exit the european Union.
- Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
- What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds? The Steam summer sale
- I'm going to go on a Brexit diet The pounds will drop fast.
Entertaining Pounds Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about pounds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean british pound jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pounds pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a f**... home
He tells the receptionist, my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.
Receptionist says, sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we'll get the process started.
Guy says, well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.
Ah, the receptionist says. The plot thickens.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 10 year old girl opens her mother's purse, and finds her driver's license
Later, the girl says to her mom, "I know how old you are." The mom asks, "How old am I?" The girl says, "You're 34." The mom says, "You're right!"
The girl then says, "I know how much you weigh." The mom asks her how much, and the girl says, "135 pounds." The mom is a little puzzled, but says, "You're right on that, too."
Finally, the young girl says, "I know why daddy divorced you."
The mother freaks out, and asks, "Why is that?!?!?!"
The girl says, "Because you got an 'F' in s**...."
Drunk in confession booth.
A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Joe took his blind date, Kim, to the carnival...
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim, and so they ambled over to the 'guess-the-weight' stand. The owner guessed 121 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'guess-the-weight' stand they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a blind man walks into a bar..
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost 80 pounds a while back...
British prostitutes are expensive.
I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!
Divorce is great!
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day
Get a divorce.
The Carnival Date
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.
"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."
I lost 50 pounds once
sadly I was in England at the time.
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."
"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."
"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.
"Whose skull is that?"
"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"
So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.
That's awfully cheap for a human baby.
A man and his wife go out to eat...
...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night...
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you'd look alright. I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.
Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino?
He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
Four old ladies were sitting together...
The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."...
I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."
"Don't you mean dollars?" she replied.
"I know what I mean," I said.
I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick!
Exercise
The Royal baby weighed in at almost 9 pounds
Which is just under $15 US
How did Jared lose 30 pounds?
He dumped his girlfriend.
Lost 200 pounds. Here's my story.
British prostitutes are *expensive.*
My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds
Only 13 more to go
Four older men are bragging about their sons
The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.
A men goes to a priest...
-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-
My wife woke me up all excited this morning...
She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.
What do an anorexic girl and the UK have in common?
They both lose pounds really fast.
Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.
Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…
I had a thought the other day
Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
Britain is the best place for foodies.
You loose pounds everytime you eat
Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?
If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?
The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England
Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?
I lost 70 pounds last month
I got mugged in London
Every time I go through a fast food window
They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
A fat British man walks into a store...
... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants his money back. The cashier replies "Yes it did, you have the receipt as proof."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?
Put a n**... on it.
If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...
If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.
Better still, he felt great about the divorce.
How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?
He started a swear jar.
Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.
Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.
I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!
All I did was buy bitcoin
10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...
Sure don't miss her!!
A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.
It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.
They say the camera adds ten pounds
But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty
I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds
It's called Brexit
I've lost 8 pounds in the last fortnight.
For the Americans amongst you that means about 10 dollars in the last two weeks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
Why didn't USA switch from pounds to grams?
Because of mass outrage.
I lost 15 pounds
But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.
What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?
The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.
I lost 216 pounds.
Never going to another British casino again...
A man takes off his shirt in the gym.
A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf's you have! The man then replies, that's two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of his underwear. The blonde runs off screaming in fear. When the man catches up to her he asks, Why did you run away? The blonde replies, I didn't wanna be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!
An Apple Watch is an amazing way of keeping healthy
Just got mine and I already lost 400 pounds!
Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...
Right on my big toe. It's broken now I can hardly walk
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.
That was an *Imperial* f**....
My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.
He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.
A man is sitting in a train
and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.
Why are you chewing the seeds?
They make me smarter
Really? Could I have some?
Sure, dollar a piece
The man agrees and gets three apple seeds for three bucks. He chews them for a while, then says Wait a minute, for three bucks I could've bought two pounds of apples!
See, it's already working
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Brits always look wealthier on T.V. and in movies?
Because the camera puts on 10 pounds.
My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn't see anything. To be expected of course, these things take time. Three days later, nothing. A week later, nothing. Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something. Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
