The Best 62 Pound Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Pound jokes. There are some pound henway jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pound pounds of dynamite puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Pound Jokes and Puns

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

A man walked into a pub.....

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

What's a dog's least favorite currency?

the pound

Pound joke, What's a dog's least favorite currency?

How does a dog catcher gets paid?

by the pound.

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 millipede = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Edit - formatting


How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed?

piece of cake

What do you call a street full of cheap hookers and a McDonald's?

Quarter Pound Town.

Pound joke, What do you call a street full of cheap hookers and a McDonald's?

A young black boy walks int to kitchen ...

There he dumps a pound of flour on himself, he goes to his mother and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His mother slaps him in the mouth and says, "go tell your Father what you jst said!" The boy goes to his fAther and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His father takes him over his leg and spanks him hard. Then the father asked," okay son , now what have you learned?" The looks at him and says," I've only been a white boy for 8 minutes now an I already hate you black people!"

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

A man walks into a grocery store.

Asks for a pound of tomatoes.

The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."

The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

You can explore pound sterling reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pound pence dad jokes. There are also pound puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I'm taking your mom to the new British dollar store

Pound Town.

Why are british employees fat

Because they get paid by the pound

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

What's the relationship between the pound, the dollar, and the ruble?

A pound of rubles is worth one dollar.

Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts.

Pound joke, Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

I wish my girlfriend went down as much...

as the pound did last night.

If i had a pound for every 'Brexit' joke on here...

I'd still only have about 5 cents.

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.

The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.


Cheap British hookers are the best

...pound for pound

What's the difference between a pound of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of coke fall out of a window

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"

It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound

It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

Did you hear that Dollar Tree is opening a store in the U.K?

They're naming it pound town.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?

The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.

"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.

"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop.

Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?

Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.

I got a call from the pound

They wanted to tell me that they had picked up my dog because it was chasing a kid on a bike.

I said " That kid is a liar because not only does my dog not own a bike; he doesn't even know how to ride one yet!

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"

"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.

"How'd you manage that?"

"Twelve trips."

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy

I'd have enough money to not need a job

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

I remember when the hashtag symbol was the pound symbol...

With that in mind... #metoo

I once made a small hashtag out of glass...

It weighed a pound and was a little sharp.

Why do they call # hashtag and not pound

Because feminists wouldn't appreciate PoundMeToo movement.

How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker...

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker.

"Sir, I am very hungry. I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "

The cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods. "Forthwith!"

The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning.

At the end of the day, the little boy shows the cheesemaker his fine work. The cheesemaker, approving of the poor boy's efforts, hands him a pound of Swiss cheese.

"But I said I would clean your shop for a pound of cheddar!" protested the boy.

And the cheesemaker replies, "And I thaid for thwith."

How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound!

What do you do with an English prostitute

You give her a pound, then you give her a pound

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on

i'd just be wondering why I have so much money

What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!

Margaret Thatcher walks out of a restaurant and sees a man with a sign "Falklands veteran, please give generously".

She hands him a 20 pound bill, then He gives a big smile and says "Muchas Gracias SeΓ±ora!".

When my parents were growing up it was pound not hashtag

Good thing it changed too because otherwise pound metoo would have sent a wrong message

3 generations of males went to an old-fashioned store...

The young man asked for a pound of raisins from the pretty lady behind the counter. She had to climb a ladder to fill the order, revealing her naked flesh under her short skirt. Then, she asked his dad what he wanted.

Wanting to see a panty-less beauty climb the stairs again, he too asked for a pound of raisins. This time she caught on while grabbing the raisins, looking down on the men getting their carnal delights.

She then asked the grandpa, "I suppose yours is raisin' too?" "No," the old fella said, "but it is twitchin' a bit."

A woman was shopping for turkey at her grocery store. She finds a 12 lbs one and a 13 pound one, frustrated she asked a shop worker, "Do these get any bigger?"

The worker replied, "No, they're all dead."

A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, Listen, I don't want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt? And the grocery man says, Me, if I'll sell a box of salt a month, I'm lucky. But the guy that sells me salt… Boy, can he sell salt."

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman: What are you selling?

Vendor: Apple seeds... $5 a pop!

Policeman: What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?

Vendor: They make you smarter!

Policeman: OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!

Vendor: See!!! You're smarter already!

Policeman: WOW, you're right... Give me two more, quick!

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "Gross!"

His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"

Polish guy goes into a store

"I'd like a pound of Kielbasa"

Clerk: you must be a Polack

Pole: why do you say that? If I asked for bratwurst, would you call me a Kraut?

Clerk: No

Pole: If I asked for Italian Sausage, would you call me a Dago?

Clerk: No

Pole: then why are you calling me a Polack when I ask for kielbasa?

Clerk: this is a hardware store

A man moves in an old apartment

He notices the place is ridden with moths. Not knowing what to do, he calls his mother who tells him to buy some mothballs.

He goes to a nearby store and buys a pound of mothballs. The next day, he goes back and buys another pound. That same day he returns and buy yet another pound.

The seller stops him. Man, how many moths are you dealing with? I've been working here for so long and I've never seen an infestation requiring more than half a pound of mothballs

Well, replies the man. Not everybody has such a good aim.

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, I'd like a pound of kielbasa please.

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, You're Polish, aren't cha?

The man looks surprised and says, Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?

The clerk replies, It's because this is a hardware store.

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

How are dog catchers in the UK paid?

By the pound.

A 37 stone (518 pound) man was forced to pay for two seats on a jet,

only to discover that they were two rows apart!

What's the current rate of ruble vs dollar and pound?

A dollar is worth a pound of rubles

Why was my dog afraid to step on the scale?

He didn't want to see another dog pound!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pound gram jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working pound pounder piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes