Potter Jokes

Following is our collection of Potter funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Potter jokes

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking.

J.K. Rowling

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.

JK. Rolling

How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?

By walking... jk rolling

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me..

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?

My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn't my fault I was the one facing the tv

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding?

Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

I just watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic

I mean, a ginger with two friends?

I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

I know it's only 6 words, but I'm proud of myself.

How did Harry Potter get down the mountain?

Running!... JK, Rowling.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4

What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter

Warning: Offensive

Harry got out of the chamber.

Rupert Grint bursts into the room, "Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!"


"No, Ron."

Why can't Harry Potter distinguish between his best friend and his pot in potions class?

They're both cauldron

I really love Harry Potter, but after re-reading the deathday party, I realized something about Nearly Headless Nick...

He was a very poorly executed character.

Why was Harry Potter surprised when Ferrari won the F1 race?

Because he expecto'd Petronas.

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one was dead Sirius.

What happened when Harry Potter had sex with a pig?

He got hog warts.

Why didn't Harry Potter want to date Hermione?

Because he likes to Hit it and Quidditch

Why is Harry Potter better than Jews?

He made it out of the chamber.

My girlfriend is a huge Harry Potter fan

She always wears an invisibility cloak.

Harry Potter walks into a bar

Because it was on his bedroom window

Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?

**They were past their hexpiration date!**

*I'm so sorry. My 8yo kid asked me to make up a joke and it's SO HARD to craft a joke that's kid-appropriate.*

How does Harry Potter go down a hill?



How much does it cost to see Harry Potter fly a broomstick?

About a Quid each.

My favourite part about the Harry Potter movies...

...is the casting.

If a bearded man makes vases...

Is he a hairy potter?

Order of the Phoenix is my favourite Harry Potter book

Dead serious.

Harry Potter is a kind of "whodunnit" book series

and you-know-whodunnit...

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor.
"What happened?" asked Harry
"You ran face first into a wall."

Why did Harry Potter buy so many golden snitches?

Because they were only a quideach

On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter?

9 3/4

*Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw. I'm not that witty.*

So apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema.........

but, when you do the same for Schindler's List, you're some kind of sick weirdo.

How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?


J.K. Rowling

Virtually every Harry Potter character can teach us a lesson.

For example, Barty Crouch Jr. taught us that drinking can make you Moody.

It makes sense why Emma Watson is in both Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter

Both of the main characters are harry

What's my rating from 1 to 10 for Harry Potter?

Nine and three quarters.

How do women get an abortion in Harry Potter universe?


A man dressed as a harry potter character came up to me and told me he was a zombie.

I thought he was kidding, but he was Dead Sirius.

What kind of hairpiece does Harry Potter wear?

A hedwig

What's the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?

A ginger with two friends

What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?


What do you call a bearded gardener?

Hairy Potter

I went to the cinema to watch Harry Potter

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied So am I. He hated the book

How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking
J. K. Rowling

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

How do you encourage a potter while he's glazing his bowl?

"Way to go dude, you're kiln it!"

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded A for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day Hagrid comes running up to Harry, holding what looks like a portable cage with a scaly looking animal inside.

What's this? An excited looking Potter asks.

Your A lizard, Harry.

What does Harry Potter play with when he's bored?

Ginny Weasley's emotions.

BREAKING: Harry Potter series was ghostwritten

JK, Rowling wrote it.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry Potter rode the train back.

I'm not apologizing.

Baby sister told me this one attn Harry Potter fans

Sister: "Harry's godfathers middle name should be 'Lee'"

Me:"wait, whose the godfather?"

Sister: "Sirius Black"

Took me a minute.

The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn't listen.

Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.

On a scale of 1-10 how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?

About 9 3/4

What would Chewbacca be called if he worked with porcelain?

Hairy Potter

As a Harry Potter fan, I dream of going to Hogwarts.

My friend is a Narnia fan, and he's always wanted to go to Narnia.

My other friend is a Hunger Games fan, but he's good.

What do you call it when Harry Potter has a one night stand?

Hit it and quidditch

What Makes Harry Potter a Great Mob Enforcer?

He is the best at catching snitches.

So, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, right? I guess that's when the books started getting

*dead Sirius*

What would you get if Harry Potter tried to kill Darth Vader?

*A Vader Cadaver*

Why is Harry Potter so popular in prison?

Because he catches all the snitches!

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?

He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes