The Best 59 Potatoes Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Potatoes jokes. There are some potatoes idaho jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these potatoes dicktater puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Potatoes Jokes and Puns

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.

He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.

Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

Potatoes joke, The Mathematician and the Waiter

A Latvian Haiku

Where is potatoes?

This winter is very cold.

Family is starve.

A man and a woman go out to dinner...

This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"

The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"

To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"


An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None

What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears?

Anything you want, He can't hear you!

Potatoes joke, What do you call a man with potatoes in their ears?

2 potatoes standing on the side of the road. How can you tell which one is the hooker?

The one wearing the sack that reads IDAHO

How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?

If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the police....

.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"

3 bags.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all being chased by soldiers, they all run into a Barn and hide in big burlap sacks. The soldier walk in and hunt for them, they poke the first bag and the Scotsman says "Meow!" so they pass it off as a bag of kittens. They poke the second pack and the Englishman says "Woof!" so they pass it off as a bag of puppies. They poke the third bag and the Irishman says "Potatoes!"

You can explore potatoes turnips reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean potatoes peas dad jokes. There are also potatoes puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

Ol' Russian joke

Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :

"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

A commissar goes to a collective farm...

... And hails a farmer to ask about how his village's farms are doing.

The farmer says "Oh Comrade Commissar, if we stacked all the potatoes in a pile, it would reach the foot of God!"

The commissar raises an eyebrow and says "Comrade farmer, we live in the USSR. There is no god."

The farmer replied: "That's okay, there are no potatoes either."

The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies

Chairman: How does our potato supply look?

Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.

Chairman: But God does not exist.

Party member: Neither do the potatoes.

What do couch potatoes evolve into?

Computer chips.

Potatoes joke, What do couch potatoes evolve into?

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."


Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".

Stalin walks into a field

Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!

Stalin: But God does not exist.

Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

Why is it risky to tell secrets on a farm?

The corn have ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beanstalk.

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....

Too many cameras.

Dad, where's the thing for peeling potatoes?

She went shopping.

Potatoes For Everyone!

A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman..

..are in the trenches surrounded by the enemy with no way of escaping The Englishman sees three sacks and says right boys follow my lead.
They each get in a sack and as the enemy approaches they poke the bag with their bayonetted.

"Meow meow" says the Englishman.
"Ah it's just some kittens, leave them be were not that cruel. "

They poke the Scotsman.
"Woof woof"
"Ah just puppies leave them be"

Then they poke the Irishman
"Potatoes!"

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

How do you confuse an idiot?

With 6 potatoes!

Friends are like potatoes!

When you eat them they die

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None.

Is joke from Latvia. I tell now.

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

Farmer and Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
This year, I can't plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, Papa, don't dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, Now you can plant your potatoes.

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!

"Must be a dog." He moves on.

He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

I went to my in-laws for dinner

An argument inevitably broke out and my wife told me not to take sides.

I told her "they wont notice", as I slid the roast potatoes into my pocket "they are to distracted"

What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship

Couldnt find it

I couldn't find the thingy you use to peel the carrots and potatoes anywhere, so I asked the kids if they had seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.

"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

Don't tell secrets in the garden:

The potatoes have eyes

The corn has ears

And the beanstalk.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes

_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.

How are the carrots doing? Said the Diplomat.

Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever! Replies the farmer.

I see, and how are the beets?

Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he would cry with joy!

And what about the potatoes?

Sir, if we stacked the potatoes, they would be high enough to reach God!

The diplomat stares for a minute. But comrade, we don't believe in god.

Oh, good. Says the farmer. Because there are no potatoes.

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.

"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."

"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.

"Too many fuckin' cameras."

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the sticker that says IDAHO

What's the square root of Minecraft?

There's three, actually. The potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet potatoes are well-known for being good, traditional potatoes.

The third daughter then says "Dad, I want to marry Bill Maher!" Dad is flabbergasted, and exclaims, "But honey! He's just a common-tater!"

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:

"What are those?"

"Those are potatoes"

"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"

The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.

"What are those?"

"Those are plums..."

"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"

The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.

"... and what are those?!

"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries of mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agree with, but

I couldn't pick a side

Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

Did you know there are public speaking potatoes?

Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him Are you the friar?

He replied No, I'm the chip monk...

This waitress asked me a really stupid question

She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"

I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."

What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles?

Spectaters

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are being chased by a farmer...

and they hide in his barn inside three sacks.

The farmer pokes the sack with the brunette with his pitchfork, and she says "meow"

He moves on to the next sack with the redhead, and she says "woof".

He moves on to the last sack with the blonde, and she says "potatoes".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the potatoes potato head jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working potatoes sweet potato piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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