Potato Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A spectator.

Potato in bathing suit joke

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! 

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Latvian Joke.

What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

What do you call an indecisive potato?

A HESI-TATER.

I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

What do you call a high person with Downs Syndrome?

A baked potato.

2 potatoes standing on the side of the road. How can you tell which one is the hooker?

The one wearing the sack that reads IDAHO

A mother has 3 kids

A mother has 3 kids.

The first kid goes up to her mom and says,
"Mommy, why I am I named petal?"

The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"

The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head

Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."

"SHUT UP BRICK"

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

Latvian man goes to buy iPhone..

Premise ridiculous! iPhone cannot be use to farm potato.
Also, salesman die of malnourish.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

What do you call a stoner with down syndrome?

A baked potato.

Joke from my daughter.

What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato?
HULK'S MASH!

no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle

What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Not a Latvian joke

Lost job and no money for buy potato.

Also is cold.

Regret immigrate to Detroit.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies

Chairman: How does our potato supply look?

Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.

Chairman: But God does not exist.

Party member: Neither do the potatoes.

Latvian potato eating contest.

Latvia man enter contest eat potato. Many other contestants. Contest start. Is no potato. All men sad. And hungry.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...

They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.

Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes woof! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of dogs, and walks on.

They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes meow! The policeman says, Oh, it's just a bag of cats, and walks on.

They poke the bag with the blonde and the blonde goes Potato. Potato.

Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

What do you call an authoritarian potato?

A dicktater.

Pie rates of the Caribbean joke

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

What do you call a stoned Irishman?

A baked potato.

Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?

They need clean air.

Impressing Chicks On The Beach

A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice

The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all the women run away in horror except for the lifeguard. The guy asks the lifeguard "You told me this would work!"

The lifeguard shook his head and said "The potato...goes in the front"

What's a 7 course meal for an Irishman?

A six-pack and a potato.

What do you call a mean Potato?

A Dictator.

A blond, a redhead and a brunette rob a bank...

The cops are close behind them when they run into a shed. Inside are some empty potato sacks.

"Quick," the brunette says, "hide in there." They all climb into the sacks just as the cops come in.

The cop walks up to the sack with the brunette and kicks it. "Meow!" she says. The cop figures it's a cat and walks on to the sack with the redhead and kicks that one. "Woof, woof!" she says. The cop walks on to the third sack with the blond and kicks it.

"Po-Tay-Toe!" she shouts.

Three thieves were fleeing the cops

they went inside a potato warehouse and each saw a sack and hid inside.

The cops walked in and saw the first sack and kicked it. The robber went "meow", so the cop said, oh it's only a cat.

They went to the second sack and kicked it and second robber went 'arf". So cop said, oh, this one is just a dog.

They saw the third sack and kicked it. Nothing. They kicked it again, harder. Again, silence.

The cop, cocked his gun and prepares to shoot the third sack in which the 3rd robber said-
"I'm supposed to be a potato, godammit, potatoes don't make a sound".

I used to tell this joke all the time in elementary school

Two guys are running from the cops at night. One is smart and the other is stupid.

They get tired of running, so they decide to hide in a shack they come across. The smart one hides inside an animal cage, and the stupid one hides inside a potato sack.

The cops start searching the shack and they are about to look inside the cage when the smart one goes, "meow meow!" The cops say "oh, that's just a kitten" and continue searching.

Then when the cops are about to look inside the potato sack, the stupid one goes, "potato, potato!"

An aviation enthusiast enters a bar.

He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

A Brunette, a blonde, and a ginger

are all running from the cops. They run into an alley behind a restaurant. Behind the restaurant there is only a dumpster and a half full of sack of potatoes. The ginger hides in the dumpster, the brunette hides behind the dumpster, and the blonde hides in the sack of potatoes. The cops round the corner and approach the inside dumpster.
The ginger meows and the cops say, "Oh its only a cat, they aren't in here." The cops then approach behind the dumpster. The brunette growls and the cops say, "It's just a dog, they aren't behind here."
As the cops leave they pass the potato sack without giving it a second thought. Then the blonde goes, "Potatoes, potatoes."

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

What do you get when you cross a hotdog and a potato?

A dictator.

Potatoes For Everyone!

A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''

What do you call a potato with glasses?

A spec-tater

What did the potato name his son?

Chip.


Sorry.

Latvian joke.

I tell Latvian joke:

Latvian man very hungry.

He go in minefield, look for potato feed family.

Many hours, he suddenly find big potato, size of fist!

He quickly pull out pin, put in mouth, swallow whole thing.

Then he say "But why was there pin in potat "

End from joke.

A boy was nervous about his first date

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card:

"If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Where does biggest potato grow?

Under the ground.

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"

The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"

The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"

The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"

The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"

A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals.

Nobody likes dictators

My Favorite Latvian Joke

One day, hear knock on door.

Man ask "Who is?"

"Is potato man. I come around to give free potato."

Man is very excite and opens door.

Is not potato man,

is secret police.

What do you call a phallic potato?

A dictator.

Latvian Dreamin'

Little boy go to father. Is midnight. Say boy, "Father! I dream I is Mr. Potato! Have big eyes and smile! Even having shoes! I wish I Mr. Potato for all ever!"

Man woke in midnight all sudden. Rubs eyes. Remembers boy dead by mule, and is no potato. Only cold. Is all dream. Lay back on dirt. No smiles. No shoes.

What do you call a spud that smokes weed?

A baked potato

What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties?

A dic-tater.

I want to start a potato chip company called "dick's."

Our motto would tell you to eat a bag of 'em.

This Halloween, I put a potato in my pants and ordered people around.

I was a dictator.

How do you treat Mrs. Potato Head when she has cancer?

Ampu-tater

Three women break out of prison...

..a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They hear the marshal and his men coming so they duck into a near by potato barn. They find three potato sacks and jump in covering themselves from head to toe.

The marshal sends his deputy into the potato barn to check it out. The deputy see's the three sacks looking out of place, so he steps up to the sack with the redhead and kicks it.

"Woof." says the redhead.

"Just a dog in there." says the not to bright deputy. He kicks the sack with the brunette.

"Meow." purrs the brunette.

"Just a cat." says the deputy. He kicks the sack with the blonde in it.

Nothing happens. He gives it another kick.

"Potato" says the blonde.

There was a blond, brunette and a redhead running from a cop...

They turn down an alley and it's a dead end. The blond hides in a sack of potatoes. The brunette hides in a dumpster and the redhead hides in a trashcan.

The cop comes running down the alley and doesn't see them. So he walks over to the trashcan and kicks it.

"Meow!" Meows the redhead

"Ahh, it's just a cat." Says the cop. He walks over to the dumpster and kicks it.

"Woof woof!" Barks the brunette.

"Just a dumb dog." The cop says. Then he walks over to the potato sack and kicks it and the blond yells...

"POTATO POTATO POTATO!"

Choose a new password:

potato

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boiled potato

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1 boiled potato

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50fuckingboiledpotatoes

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50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

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IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

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NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It has a sticker that says IDAHO.

(I'll hide under a rock now)

After robbing a bank, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead

duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blonde, and she says, "Po-ta-to."

Why couldn't the potato get off the couch?

Because it was baked.

If you see two potatoes standing on a street corner, how do you know which one is a prostitute?

It'll have a sticker that says "Idaho"

An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme

Fortunately, it was foiled.

What do you call a penis-shaped potato with unchallenged power?

A dick-tator.

How do you tell the difference between a normal potato from a slutty potato?

The slutty one has the sticker that reads Idaho.

What do you call a potato that uploads videos?

A you-tuber.

What do you call a fascist potato?

A dictater.

ESPN literally hired a potato for one of its broadcasts

When asked why they responded that they needed a common tater.

How many potatos do you need to kill an Irishman?

None.

What are the funniest potato jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Potato? Well, here are the best Potato puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Potato pick up lines to share with friends.

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