posted Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious posted stories

What are the best posted puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Posted? Well here is a complete list of the top posted jokes:

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.


Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.


How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.



If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?


"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."


I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.


A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."


So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?


Cop Jokes?

I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!


An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?


I can almost guarantee this has been posted before but I enjoyed it ...

So I'm sitting here in an internet cafe, with the biggest, ugliest and angriest bastard I've ever seen standing right behind me reading every word I ty


A 9gag member posted original content


Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

(Don't think it's been posted before,recieved it in an email and thought it was worth sharing.)


What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

(Not sure if it's a repost, but I don't think I've seen it posted here.)


Post your original made up joke.

No old jokes you've already posted. Here's mine:

How did the Asian porn-star become president?

By Generar Erection!


A few Irish Jokes

With an Irish joke being posted earlier, I'll add a few of my Irish one liners.

What do you call the Irish man who hangs from the ceiling?

Shaun D'Leer

What do you call the Irish cowboy?

Rick O'Shea

What do you call the Irish Indian?

Tom O'Hawk

What do you call the Irish man who stays outside all night?

Patty O'Furniture

(this one is a repeat from the earlier thread)


Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back


Can anyone tell me....

If I posted the joke about Alzheimers? I can't remember if I did.


Why was Santa's helper doing so poorly at work?

Because he had low elf-esteem

(I hope this hasn't been posted recently...Sorry if it has)


If brevity is the soul of wit...

Why the fuck are some the jokes posted here so long?


There are 10 types of people in the world

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Apologies if this has been posted recently


What kind of pants to Mario and Luigi wear?

Denim, Denim, Denim


Did anyone see the original joke posted on this sub today?

Neither did I.


What did the Jewish man do when he got a dog?

Posted fliers around the neighborhood that said "Not Lost Yet".


A Major gets posted in the desert.....

in the camp the Sergeant briefed him about the camp and before going he whispers to him, ' When we are horny we use the camel'.
The major ignores this and 6 months pass.Finally one night out of desperation the major orders the sergeant to bring the camel and a tall stool.When both the stool and the camel arrives , he takes down his pants and climbs up the stool. He then starts to bang the camel and asks the sergeant , 'Is this what you do when you are horny huh?'.

The sergeant replies ' Sir, what i meant was that we use the camel to get to hookers'.


A man and his dog.

A man goes up to his dog and says "I need a divorce." His dog replies "Yeah, my wife is a bitch too."

* **Posted before, nobody saw, posted it again.**


A cop in Southern California pulls a blonde over going 15 miles per hour on the freeway, almost causing multiple wreckages.

The officer walks up to Blonde woman's car, passing 2 crying men in the backseat of her car on the way to the window.

"Ma'am... you mind telling me why you're going under 20 mph on the damn freeway?"

"I'm just obeying the posted speed limit sign, officer."

"The Hell...? Ma'am you do realize that that is the **Freeway** number? That you are on the 15 **Freeway** and that the **WHITE** signs are the speed limit?"

The officer looks again at the two men in the backseat still lightly whimpering.

"And what's the problem with you two!?"

"Sir... we just got off... (*sniffle*) the 210."


I saw a girl with semen on her left cheek

and told her. She then starts rubbing her right cheek and i told her "No, it's on the other side". She then open up her mouth and starts rubbing on the right inside....

Yeah i know, very old joke. Just remembered it because of another semen joke posted here.


not sure if this has already been posted here but here's my favourite

if girls with big boobs work at hooters, do girls with one leg work at ihop?



A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Afghanistan. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.

A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back. The car did not immediately stop, intending to drive through the gate area.

The sentry yelled at the drive to stop, almost getting run over as he jumped in front of the car.

The driver, a corporal, said, "I've got General Wheeler in the back."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. Since you don't have a sign on your dashboard, I have to see some ID."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without showing ID."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"


Dirty Johnny's sitting in his kindergarten class, learning about the alphabet.

The teacher is having the students review. She asks the class, "What's something that starts with the letter A?"

Immediately several hands go up, including Dirty Johnny's. The teacher thinks, oh no, I can't call on Johnny, he'll say asshole or something like that. So she calls on Martha, and Martha answers apple.

Next, she asks if anyone can think of something that starts with B and again Johnny's hand goes up. The teacher thinks, well, I can't call on him, he'll say bitch or something like that. So instead, she calls on Davey, who answers basketball.

This goes on all the way down the alphabet, until finally the teacher gets to R. Only Johnny raises his hand. The teacher pauses for a minute, and nobody else raises their hand, but she thinks, oh, it should be fine, nothing really nasty starts with R anyway.

"Okay, Johnny, what's something that starts with R?"

"RATS, teacher, big motherfuckin' RATS, with three-foot cocks!"


I was listening to the radio the other day when I thought I heard an ad for a Mac...

It was actually Adele.

I'm on my way out now.

Also, I apologize if this (or a similar pun) has been posted previously. Just thought of it the other day.


The house maid returned after disappearing for a week

The wife asked her why she thought it was okay to take a vacation without notifying anyone. She said, "I thought you already knew. I posted a Facebook status update saying I'm off for a vacation. Your husband even commented, 'miss you, come back soon'"


A prospector has been in the mountains for years.

I stole this from an HBO comedy special and posted it elsewhere.

A prospector spent 5 years in the mountains looking for gold. One day he comes to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here?". Bartender says "no, be we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "Bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads back to the mountains.

Five years later, he comes back to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" and heads back to the mountains.

Five more years pass and the prospector walks into the bar and says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, are there any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we still got old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads to the door, then stops. He thinks to himself "it has been a long, long time".

He turns and says "hey bartender, if I do do it with old Joe, who's going to know?" The bartender says "well, you, me, old Joe of course, and the other two guys". The prospector says "what other two guys?" The bartender says "the two guys holding Old Joe down, he doesn't go for that shit either".


The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."


An Italian, An Irishman and a Chinese fellow.

Hopefully not posted earlier.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, You're in charge of sweeping. He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, You're in charge of digging. Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.

Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. Why didn't you touch it? he says. The Italian looks at him. We didn't have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn't find him. Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand and yells Supplies!


You SHOULD know the joke. That's why I'm asking the question.


There seems to be only ONE joke about a hypnotist. It's been posted too many times here. Basic story is a hypnotist at an old folks home, drops his watch, etc.

QUESTION: Is there at least ONE other joke about a hypnotist that exists in the world??


A Disney Divorce

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."


Haven't posted for a while, so here it goes... A wild rabbit is captured...

and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."
"Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We'll get laid all night long."
The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females.
As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."
"Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."


Funeral procession

Disclaimer: Not my own... I apologize if it's been posted here before.

While going for his morning coffee one day, George notices two hearses driving down the road, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind the man walking a dog is the rest of the procession, a few hundred men following closely... all walking down the street.

A bit sheepishly, the man approaches the dog walker and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you explain what's going on here?"

The dog walker replies, "Well, my deceased wife is in the first hearse. My dog jumped up and bit her in the throat, killing her."

"I'm so sorry to hear that... But, who's in the second hearse?"

"Well, when Rusty here killed my wife, my mother in-law jumped up and started yelling... and well, Rusty killed her, too."

"Gosh, that's horrible," George said. "But... um, do you think I can borrow ol' Rusty for a day or so?"

"Sure," the man replies, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, "Get in line!"


not sure if this has been posted before...

There are three men in jail. A mentally insane guy, a pervert and a homosexual. The mental guy says: "If there was a cat here i would have sex with it all day long." The pervert says: "i would do the same, with you and right after you are done" The gay one says: "Meow."


A good April Fools joke to pull on Facebook.

Post on your Facebook that funeral arrangements for yourself will be posted later in the day and don't answer your phone or respond to any messages. I did this one year and had a ton of people think I was dead.


What's the best gift to give to a schizophrenic...?

A bluetooth headset.

*no clue if it's good or if it's been posted before, I made it up myself and never saw it before, sorry if repost or bad joke or if I stole it without knowing I did


An Englishman And An Irishman

*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*

An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being particularly careful, given the icy conditions, and the result was a terrible crash in which both cars were almost completely destroyed.

Miraculously however, both men survived.

The Irishman was the first to react:

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we're alive! It's a sign from God I think, that we should put aside the distrust between our two countrys and become best friends!'

'I agree!' Came the Englishman's ebullient response, who then pulled a small flask of whiskey from his pocket. 'Let's celebrate our new-found friendship with a drink!'

The Irishman took the proffered flask and downed half of it, before offering it back to the Englishman.

'No thanks,' Came his companion's reply. 'I think I'll wait till the police show up.'.


(Hopefully this isn't posted much) A Scotsman and and Englishman walk into a bar...

and the bartender asks them, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


Don't think I've ever seen this one posted...

Next time you get a vanilla milkshake try this one out...

"A girl walks into a sperm bank and says... (take a big sip of your milkshake and let it drip out of your mouth as you say)

"Id like to make a deposit"


I'm new here

I have never posted here before.
I will share a joke.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.


Two old Jewish men

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100".

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"


Guarantee this one has been posted before

So, three guys are in a hardware store looking to buy a toilet.

The guy at the register says, "we have three left in stock: a wooden toilet, a metal toilet and a singing toilet."

The first guy takes the wooden toilet, the second guy the metal one and the third, the singing one.

There all back the next day, looking to return the three toilets.

The first guy says, "whenever I sit on it, I get splinters in my ass!"

The second guy says, "whenever I sit on it, my ass gets cold!"

The third guy says, "whenever I sit on it, it sings 'do you seeee what I see!'"


Buddy on FB just posted this, I had to share

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair



You've red some of the best posted jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about posted. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty posted gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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