Posted Jokes
128 posted jokes and hilarious posted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about posted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Posted Short Jokes
Short posted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The posted humour may include short posting jokes also.
- If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
This is not a political post, I just want to travel - Why was my post removed Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over. - My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it post office
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- Why was my post removed? Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?
I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over. - I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them. You won't catch me doing that today.
- I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?" "I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry - I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then... ...no pun in ten did
- What is a Pirate's favorite letter? The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind . - Most of the posts here are medium. They aren't rare and they are definitely not well done.
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Posted One Liners
Which posted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with posted? I can suggest the ones about published and posts.
- I'm getting laid tonight. I wish I could have posted this in any other sub.
- I finally got someone to be my valentine! I wish I could post this in any other sub.
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA? Banned from of Seaworld
- Roses are red, reposting is lame, [this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]
- Why should you always post jokes in American English? They can reach a wider audience.
- I kissed a girl today. Wish I could post this in another sub some day.
- What do you call a rapper that smells nice? Post Cologne
- What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak? Parceltongue
- If you're outdoors you can skip this post It's just an inside joke
- Why don't women work at the post office? It's a mail dominated industry.
- Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office They get really annoyed
- What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
- Do you guys remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.
- I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Hilarious Fun Posted Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about posted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean written jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make posted pranks.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...
The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."
An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.
It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.
When will the madness end?
I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.
So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.
(Not sure if it's a repost, but I don't think I've seen it posted here.)
Post your original made up joke.
No old jokes you've already posted. Here's mine:
How did the Asian p**...-star become president?
By Generar e**...!
Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.
So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her w**..... The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?
Freddie mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.
"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.
"Why?" asked the waiter.
"I want to break three."
(Don't think it's been posted before,recieved it in an email and thought it was worth sharing.)
Cop Jokes?
I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!
A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...
They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.
(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)
What punch line is sure to get upvotes no matter how many times it gets posted?
"I don't know I just fly the drone"
There was a farmer who grew watermelons...
He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!"
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a bakery...
To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)
Met a h**... who said she'd do anything for $5
So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Sorry, it's the first joke I ever learned, and I haven't ever seen it posted.
What do you call a midget fortune-teller who's on the run from the law?
**A small medium at large.**
^(Hope this doesn't get posted often)
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call it. It's not gonna come.
(Probably been posted before, but oh well I'm new and I apologize)
What colour bricks?
Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.
My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!
If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?
None, a green house is made out of glass.
There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .
Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.
A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"
The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car c**...."
___
*Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*
Why were the 2 in love melons upset?
Because they cantaloupe.
(The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)
What did the Pirate say to the plank as it was being installed on the ship?
Welcome a Board!
(Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)
An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.
I know because they posted it repeatedly on Facebook.
I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies.
Should've added the [Sirius] tag.
Good thing I don't see any political posts on my news feed
In fact, my Myspace friends haven't really posted much since 2010.
My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
"Fake News, inevitably, will be the end of us all!"
- Napoleon Bonaparte after Buzzfeed posted an article titled "10 Shortest Dynasties (Literally)"
I'm pretty sure someone stole the last paragraph of my essay, and hid it on a really high shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Not original, and not sure if it's been posted before, but it made me chuckle and thought I'd share.
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
Everyone is concerned about Trump's health after he posted an incomprehensible tweet about his covfefe
But don't worry. Dr. Hufghfufu just assured the media that he's agvofofi.
This has definitely been posted before but....
I just backed over my neighbors mailbox and I really feel like it needs a repost.
A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda
They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one
What's the difference between a Golf player and skydiver?
One goes:
*Whack*, "Darn!"
While the other goes:
"Darn!", *Whack*
PS: Not sure if this was posted before, but i think it's still funny.
What do you call a s**... interaction between two trans individuals?
A transaction.
This is the only good original joke I've made in my entire life, and that's not a joke!
Haven't seen this posted elsewhere before.
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
I'm done with wordplay.
I posted ten different jokes hoping that at least one of them would make someone laugh.
No pun in ten did.
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
What has 2 wings and 1 Arrow ?
A Chinese telephone
Wing
Wing
Arrow?
(posted this last year got some good feedback)
What is the difference
What is the difference between a gun and a Feminist???
A Gun Actually Does Something when triggered
(I made it but I dunno if it has been posted before)
Going to look at an apartment
Guest: Does this apartment come with a dishwasher?
Landlord: No, that's why we posted an ad...
Last night, I walked into a bar. The bartender told me...
"Don't waste your time. it's been posted and and reposted at least a hundred times."
Classic. I'd be surprised if this was not posted already.
One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny Can you explain what oxidation is? He replied No my science is a little rusty.
What must you have if you want to c**... a train?
A loco motive.
I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃
Technologically slow dad
Asks his son
"Son, can you show me how to remove a picture I posted on Facebook?
Son, busy, replies
"Why do you ask me every time? Why don't you ask someone else to teach you?"
Dad replies
"Well, a man always learns from his mistakes!"
Police Station Intelligence Test
Apologies if this has been posted before \(I searched, albeit not a lot\). My physics teacher in college told me this one:
They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes.
It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very s**... ones and very strong ones.
A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.
They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up
The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way
(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
RIP H2O...
You will be mist.
Saw this one in the bathroom of a school I'm taking classes at. I haven't seen it posted on here, it made me laugh.
What did the cement say to the sign?
I'll keep you posted
An edited version of a joke that's been already posted.
A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.
The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, why did you only arrest the proton?
To which one of the officers replied, well you see, the electron kept running around the proton like a madman, so we couldn't know its exact location. And no one can press charges on the neutron.
Why can't pirates sing the alphabet?
Because they get lost at sea!
(My friend told me this idk if someone else posted before)
What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period?
Please stop o**...-acting
[P.S.. i sure hope this hasn't been posted here before]
A woman is watching the news, and it says that there is a car driving down the wrong side on the road her husband takes to work.
Worried, she calls her husband and says: 'be careful on the road, there's a car driving the wrong way where you are'
The husband replies, 'I know...
But there's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!'
Sorry if this has been posted before, couldn't find it from searching.
I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.
USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.
After months of testing, costing $2.65 billion in congressional spending and firing of 25+ people, the special prosecutor appointed by Trump presented the following findings.
* The stamps have no manufacturing defects.
* There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
* People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
I asked my friend if the last joke I posted was mean.
He said no, it was way below average.
Women are like newspapers
There's a new issue everyday
Idk if this has been posted before but here you go.
Why did so many German officers flee to Argentina after WW2?
Because they heard there was an entire town for Buenos Arians
(I hope this hasn't been posted before, if so I apologize)
Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet
There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.
As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.
The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.
Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"
The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"
He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.
Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"
The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"
He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it
"Potato Potato"
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow
So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke
My gaming friends told me if I posted here today I'd get loads of upvotes...
But the cake is a lie.
A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...
The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.
A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out
As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.
Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."
"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home owner excitedly replies, "and dem boat for sale!"
Did anyone see the joke I made about the chiropractor?
I posted it here about a weak back.
Does anyone remember the joke I posted about a chiropractor recently?
It was about a week back
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
I know it's not mine. Not sure if it's been posted before.
My wife's friend had a baby...
She posted a picture on Facebook and my wife commented "Aww, what a little angle." I replied to my wife's comment "Ya, she's pretty acute."
I felt like a tremendous nerd for even thinking of a geometry joke, but ya...
What's Admiral Akbar's Favorite Shape? It's a Trapezoid!
I apologize if this has been posted before. It came to me sitting in a first grade class today (I'm a substitute teacher, not a 7 year old).
Hey admin....
What happened to my chiropractic joke I posted, about a week back?
How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?
Periodically
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs."
