posted Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious posted puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

👍🏼

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

👍🏼

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


**

👍🏼

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










👍🏼

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

👍🏼

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

👍🏼

My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail"

It was a picture of me

👍🏼

I can't find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it posted again :(

👍🏼

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.......

I will keep you posted.

👍🏼

Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

👍🏼

What must you have if you want to crash a train?

A loco motive.

I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃

👍🏼

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."


(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

👍🏼

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.

👍🏼

Most of the jokes posted here are like gay muslims

Beaten to death.

👍🏼

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

👍🏼

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

👍🏼

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."

Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.

Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.

"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.

Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"

👍🏼

I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman..

Oops I've posted this in the wrong place

👍🏼

A woman was desperate for finding a boyfriend...

So she decided to put a Newspaper Classified with her address saying this:

"I'm looking for a man who loves me, a man who doesn't hit me, one that won't run away from me and that pleassures me in bed."

The next day her doorbell rang and there was a man with no arms and no legs waiting outside. When she opened he said "Im here for the ad you posted yesterday"

The woman laughed and said "What makes you think you can make me happy?"

The man aswered. "As you can see, I have no arms so i will never hit you. Also I have no legs so I will never run away from you"

"And what about sex?" Said the woman.

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

👍🏼

What has 2 wings and 1 Arrow ?

A Chinese telephone

Wing

Wing

Arrow?




(posted this last year got some good feedback)

👍🏼

I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.

👍🏼

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

👍🏼

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

👍🏼

A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"

Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."

Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!

👍🏼

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt. You pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50%
Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that.
You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

👍🏼

Two old Jewish men

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100".

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

👍🏼

I posted a Joke involving a cow, but it was a little offensive apparently so I'll take it down

[remooooved]

👍🏼

I own a vibrator powered by virgins.

I posted my phone number on gonewild.

👍🏼

I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

👍🏼

Emotional party

Haven't seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme emotions .

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. I'm happy! she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns up next, dressed entirely in red with her hair spiked up. I'm angry . In she goes.

Then Phil and Dave turn up. Phil is completely naked except for a pear on his dick. Dave is also completely naked except his dick is in a bowl of custard.

What the fuck?! exclaims Sarah. The theme is emotions!

Exactly! replies Phil. I'm deep in 'dis pear and Dave is fucking 'dis custard! .

👍🏼

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"

The second guy replies "what?"

The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"

The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"

👍🏼

What colour bricks?

Not sure if this has been posted before but oh well.

My Granddad told me this when I was smaller (Yes, he is still alive) .
Sorry for the horrible (Grand)dad joke!

If a red house has red bricks , a yellow house has yellow bricks, what colour bricks does a green house have?

None, a green house is made out of glass.

👍🏼

A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em

Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

👍🏼

I can't find a joke that was on here today

now I'll have to wait a few minutes until it's posted again.

👍🏼

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

👍🏼

My grand father died last week

I've been really sad but I'll always remember his last words " stop shaking the ladder you little fuck"
(I don't know if this has been posted before sorry if it has)

👍🏼

My brother just posted on Facebook "I love my girlfriend <3"

I always knew he liked them young, but that's fucking ridiculous!

👍🏼

An Englishman And An Irishman

*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*

An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being particularly careful, given the icy conditions, and the result was a terrible crash in which both cars were almost completely destroyed.

Miraculously however, both men survived.

The Irishman was the first to react:

'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we're alive! It's a sign from God I think, that we should put aside the distrust between our two countrys and become best friends!'

'I agree!' Came the Englishman's ebullient response, who then pulled a small flask of whiskey from his pocket. 'Let's celebrate our new-found friendship with a drink!'

The Irishman took the proffered flask and downed half of it, before offering it back to the Englishman.

'No thanks,' Came his companion's reply. 'I think I'll wait till the police show up.'.

👍🏼

Has been posted before, but one of my favorites.

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?"
Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars."
Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?"
After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?"
Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

👍🏼

Why is the ocean salty?

Because the land never waves back


(I apologize greatly if this had been posted before)

👍🏼

A prospector has been in the mountains for years.

I stole this from an HBO comedy special and posted it elsewhere.

A prospector spent 5 years in the mountains looking for gold. One day he comes to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here?". Bartender says "no, be we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "Bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads back to the mountains.

Five years later, he comes back to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" and heads back to the mountains.

Five more years pass and the prospector walks into the bar and says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, are there any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we still got old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads to the door, then stops. He thinks to himself "it has been a long, long time".

He turns and says "hey bartender, if I do do it with old Joe, who's going to know?" The bartender says "well, you, me, old Joe of course, and the other two guys". The prospector says "what other two guys?" The bartender says "the two guys holding Old Joe down, he doesn't go for that shit either".

👍🏼

Cop Jokes?

I need some really good cop jokes for a cop buddy of mine who is retiring, he asked for us to bring him the best so I turned to you guys. Have a field day!

👍🏼

Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...

They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.

(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)

👍🏼

There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!"

👍🏼

What's the difference between a Golf player and skydiver?

One goes:

*Whack*, "Darn!"

While the other goes:

"Darn!", *Whack*


PS: Not sure if this was posted before, but i think it's still funny.

👍🏼

Shout out to the sidewalks

for keeping me off the streets.


*Friend posted this. Gave me a good laugh.

👍🏼

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter.

When will the madness end?

👍🏼

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

👍🏼

Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'

'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'Its only 2 minutes then'

Credit to /u/Ron_manager who posted this a year or so ago, it's a breath of fresh air compared to the usual Bolt/Hitler one that does the rounds.

👍🏼

Problematic Speech Problem

So I heard this joke when I was younger and was in tears of laughter so I'd thought I'd share it here, it could have been posted before but here it is for those who haven't heard it.

So a guy (lets call him Fred) with a speech problem goes into a hardware shop and asks for a fucket, staff is confused at first and realised he means bucket.

Fred then goes into a pet shop and asks for a cocker spankit, the owner is confused and realises he means cocker spaniel (breed of dog).

Finally, Fred walks into a bakery and asks for a bum, once again, staff are confused at first, but realises he means a bun of bread.

So as he is walking down the street with his newly purchased items his brand new dog runs off the leash and Fred runs after it.
A nearby policeman notices Fred and asks him "what's the trouble mister?" Fred replies, "hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it".

👍🏼

I can almost guarantee this has been posted before but I enjoyed it ...

So I'm sitting here in an internet cafe, with the biggest, ugliest and angriest bastard I've ever seen standing right behind me reading every word I ty

👍🏼

An Italian, An Irishman and a Chinese fellow.

Hopefully not posted earlier.

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, You're in charge of sweeping. He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, You're in charge of digging. Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.

Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. Why didn't you touch it? he says. The Italian looks at him. We didn't have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn't find him. Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand and yells Supplies!

👍🏼

God is watching

One day the children were lined up in the cafeteria of for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun had made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the children had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

👍🏼

What did the fish say, when he posted bail?

I'm off the hook

👍🏼

I'm done with wordplay.

I posted ten different jokes hoping that at least one of them would make someone laugh.

No pun in ten did.

👍🏼

Has anybody posted any jokes about 4/20 yet?

I think it's high time

👍🏼

A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"

The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car crash."


___

*Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*

👍🏼

A Coca Cola salesman returns from his Middle East assignment...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

👍🏼

Funeral procession

Disclaimer: Not my own... I apologize if it's been posted here before.

While going for his morning coffee one day, George notices two hearses driving down the road, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind the man walking a dog is the rest of the procession, a few hundred men following closely... all walking down the street.

A bit sheepishly, the man approaches the dog walker and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you explain what's going on here?"

The dog walker replies, "Well, my deceased wife is in the first hearse. My dog jumped up and bit her in the throat, killing her."

"I'm so sorry to hear that... But, who's in the second hearse?"

"Well, when Rusty here killed my wife, my mother in-law jumped up and started yelling... and well, Rusty killed her, too."

"Gosh, that's horrible," George said. "But... um, do you think I can borrow ol' Rusty for a day or so?"

"Sure," the man replies, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, "Get in line!"

👍🏼

A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.

They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up

The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way

(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)

👍🏼

What is the difference

What is the difference between a gun and a Feminist???



A Gun Actually Does Something when triggered


(I made it but I dunno if it has been posted before)

👍🏼

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain can finish a race


Sorry if this has all ready been posted....

👍🏼

What do you call a sexual interaction between two trans individuals?

A transaction.

This is the only good original joke I've made in my entire life, and that's not a joke!
Haven't seen this posted elsewhere before.

👍🏼

I'm pretty sure someone stole the last paragraph of my essay, and hid it on a really high shelf...

But I don't want to jump to conclusions.

Not original, and not sure if it's been posted before, but it made me chuckle and thought I'd share.

👍🏼

Why was the orphan so successful?

When he was told to "go big or go home," he only had one option.

(I've posted this joke here before, but I believe I've been the first, so if you recognize it as a repost it's because I wanted to tell it again!)

👍🏼

Everyone is concerned about Trump's health after he posted an incomprehensible tweet about his covfefe

But don't worry. Dr. Hufghfufu just assured the media that he's agvofofi.

👍🏼

Technologically slow dad

Asks his son
"Son, can you show me how to remove a picture I posted on Facebook?

Son, busy, replies
"Why do you ask me every time? Why don't you ask someone else to teach you?"

Dad replies
"Well, a man always learns from his mistakes!"

👍🏼

Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quick!"


Confused, his mother stops helping his sister Lisa with her homework and asks him what he's going on about. Johnny explains that he has a splinter and he needs cider for his finger to heal.


Confused his mother asks him where he got such a strange idea from and Johnny explains, "Well, Lisa told me that when ever she gets a prick in her hand she has to put it in cider".

👍🏼

A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a problem I didn't know Arabic.

So I planned to convey this message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert. Second the man drinker cola and third man is totally refreshed. Then these posters were hanged everywhere there."

"That should have worked."said the friend.

He replied," well I didn't know Arabic neither realized that Arabs read from right to left...."

👍🏼

Classic. I'd be surprised if this was not posted already.

One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny Can you explain what oxidation is? He replied No my science is a little rusty.

👍🏼

Sentry

A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Afghanistan. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.

A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back. The car did not immediately stop, intending to drive through the gate area.

The sentry yelled at the drive to stop, almost getting run over as he jumped in front of the car.

The driver, a corporal, said, "I've got General Wheeler in the back."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. Since you don't have a sign on your dashboard, I have to see some ID."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without showing ID."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

👍🏼

I posted this joke 3 days ago

Fucking FedEx

👍🏼

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

(Don't think it's been posted before,recieved it in an email and thought it was worth sharing.)

👍🏼

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

👍🏼

A group of children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
Take only one. God is watching.
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.

👍🏼

Heard this in Dublin yesterday.

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

👍🏼

Police Station Intelligence Test

Apologies if this has been posted before \(I searched, albeit not a lot\). My physics teacher in college told me this one:

They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes.

It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very stupid ones and very strong ones.

👍🏼

My friend posted an advertisement containing a picture of his sperm

Because sex cells

👍🏼

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

(Not sure if it's a repost, but I don't think I've seen it posted here.)

👍🏼

Good thing I don't see any political posts on my news feed

In fact, my Myspace friends haven't really posted much since 2010.

👍🏼

What do Hillbillies do for Halloween?

Pump-Kin

Yes, I've posted this before, but Halloween is upon us.

👍🏼

What do you call a midget fortune-teller who's on the run from the law?

**A small medium at large.**

^(Hope this doesn't get posted often)

👍🏼

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call it. It's not gonna come.

(Probably been posted before, but oh well I'm new and I apologize)

👍🏼

What sex position produces the ugliest kids?

Ask your mom.

(Sorry if this has already been posted)

👍🏼

Last night, I walked into a bar. The bartender told me...

"Don't waste your time. it's been posted and and reposted at least a hundred times."

👍🏼

On Sunday, a user posted the joke "Jesus"...which was quickly buried...

Its been 3days, has anyone seen it?

👍🏼

What did the Pirate say to the plank as it was being installed on the ship?

Welcome a Board!

(Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)

👍🏼

What punch line is sure to get upvotes no matter how many times it gets posted?

"I don't know I just fly the drone"

👍🏼

The Bell Ringer

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."


The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

👍🏼

I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies.

Should've added the [Sirius] tag.

👍🏼

A man walks into a bar

sits down and says to the barkeep "I need a shot and a beer before the fight." Barkeep obliges the man with a drink. The man says to the barkeep " I need another shot and a before the fight." Barkeep thinks to himself, this must be a bad fight, and gives the man another shot and beer. The man downs his shot and chases it with the beer and asks for another shot and beer before the fight. Now the barkeep is curious and asks "Sir, you must be in a bad situation. What is this fight all about?" The man replies "I haven't got any money on me"


Sorry if this has been posted before. Heard it several years ago and it's stuck with me since then.

👍🏼

Haven't posted for a while, so here it goes... A wild rabbit is captured...

and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."
"Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We'll get laid all night long."
The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females.
As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."
"Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."

👍🏼

Why does anything posted during the night get downvoted?

Because the Australians are online.

👍🏼

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to smoke.

Sorry, it's the first joke I ever learned, and I haven't ever seen it posted.

👍🏼

An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they posted it repeatedly on Facebook.

👍🏼

Collection of dog Jokes

what do you call batman's dog? a Bat Terrier

What do you call sleeping puppies? Hush Puppies

what do you call a magic dog? A; a labra-cadabra-brador

what do you call count draculas dog? a blood hound

why is it called a litter of puppies? because theyll trash the place

Previously posted by me:what do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow? Slush Puppies

What do you call a dog with no legs? it doesn't matter they're not coming

Whats the coolest dog? A pup-sicle

What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy Dogs

👍🏼

Post your original made up joke.

No old jokes you've already posted. Here's mine:

How did the Asian porn-star become president?

By Generar Erection!

👍🏼

A few Irish Jokes

With an Irish joke being posted earlier, I'll add a few of my Irish one liners.

What do you call the Irish man who hangs from the ceiling?

Shaun D'Leer


What do you call the Irish cowboy?

Rick O'Shea


What do you call the Irish Indian?

Tom O'Hawk

What do you call the Irish man who stays outside all night?

Patty O'Furniture

(this one is a repeat from the earlier thread)

👍🏼

Dirty Johnny's sitting in his kindergarten class, learning about the alphabet.

The teacher is having the students review. She asks the class, "What's something that starts with the letter A?"

Immediately several hands go up, including Dirty Johnny's. The teacher thinks, oh no, I can't call on Johnny, he'll say asshole or something like that. So she calls on Martha, and Martha answers apple.

Next, she asks if anyone can think of something that starts with B and again Johnny's hand goes up. The teacher thinks, well, I can't call on him, he'll say bitch or something like that. So instead, she calls on Davey, who answers basketball.

This goes on all the way down the alphabet, until finally the teacher gets to R. Only Johnny raises his hand. The teacher pauses for a minute, and nobody else raises their hand, but she thinks, oh, it should be fine, nothing really nasty starts with R anyway.

"Okay, Johnny, what's something that starts with R?"

"RATS, teacher, big motherfuckin' RATS, with three-foot cocks!"

👍🏼

"Fake News, inevitably, will be the end of us all!"

- Napoleon Bonaparte after Buzzfeed posted an article titled "10 Shortest Dynasties (Literally)"

👍🏼

This has definitely been posted before but....

I just backed over my neighbors mailbox and I really feel like it needs a repost.

👍🏼

I caught my brother balls deep in peanut butter...

I wondered why anyone would name a dog peanut butter.

A friend told me this hopefully it hasn't been posted here before

👍🏼

Can anyone tell me....

If I posted the joke about Alzheimers? I can't remember if I did.

👍🏼

Some girl I know posted on Facebook;

"My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!xxx"

Fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh.

👍🏼

Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back

👍🏼

I can have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour and 30 seconds...

Thanks daylight savings!




(Idk if this has been posted here before :p)

👍🏼

The Energizer bunny got arrested today!

He was arrested for battery.

This was a joke I posted on Facebook 7 years ago.

👍🏼

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*

👍🏼

What's the difference between a joke and your friend's blog?

You enjoy it when a joke is posted on Facebook

👍🏼

Why were the 2 in love melons upset?

Because they cantaloupe.

(The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)

👍🏼

Going to look at an apartment

Guest: Does this apartment come with a dishwasher?
Landlord: No, that's why we posted an ad...

👍🏼

Will February March?

No, but April May :')

Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.

And yes, I know it's bad.

👍🏼

There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

Those who know binary and those who don't.

(Stolen from my favorite t-shirt. This must have been posted here before but I haven't seen it.)

👍🏼

A wife cooked her husband a pasta dish and posted the pic on fb

Later at the dining table...

Husband: Sweetheart, I think it needs a bit more salt."

Wife : What the hell! This pasta got 453 Likes and also 138 people commented 'Yummy'. But there's no pleasing you is there?"

👍🏼

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

👍🏼

Why was Santa's helper doing so poorly at work?

Because he had low elf-esteem

(I hope this hasn't been posted recently...Sorry if it has)

👍🏼

A guy in my English class was dissing my boy Oedipus.

So I said, "Well unlike you, he was unaware that he was fucking his mom."

...

I thought of this joke last night when I was supposed to be asleep. Someone tell me if this was already posted before.

👍🏼

A man orders a drink..

**(Not sure if this has been posted here before. Had read it long before as a kid.)**

A man orders a drink but has to use the loo. To ensure nobody drinks his booze he places a note underneath the glass which reads "I spat in the drink".. He returns from the loo finding an another note for him.. "Me too!"

👍🏼

Why are cows so famous?

Because they're outstanding in their field.

(Probably been posted before but heard it for the first time today)

👍🏼

A Jewish guy, a catholic guy, and an all believer are all sitting at a bar

So on they talk until the Jewish guys starts talking about his sons and he says "well I got four sons and if I had one more I'd have a basketball team"

So on the catholic goes and says "that's nice but I have ten sons, one more and I'd have a baseball team"

So now they both look at this last guy who's just clapping and begins to talk "pretty good but I got 17 wives and one more and I would have a golf course"

(Don't know if this has been posted before)

👍🏼

I posted a joke about a Muslim kid on here a while ago

I can't remember how it went, but it really blew up

👍🏼

Why did the tree cross the road?

Windstorm.

(Via my uncle. Not sure if it's been posted before)

👍🏼

Explaining to my Married Friends how Tinder works.

Me : So you swipe right if you like them and swipe left if you don't like

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : So basically you need to log in to the Facebook account to access the app.

Them : Ohhhhhh

Me : Don't worry nothing gets posted on Facebook

Them : Ohhhhhh

P. S - Only Married Folks understand the subtle difference in the Ohhhhhhs

👍🏼

I walked by a psychic's shop today and noticed they had their hours of business posted.

You'd think they would just show up when they knew someone was coming.

👍🏼

Why didn't the client tip the server?

Because they didn't have enough cache!

(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

👍🏼

I posted an Asian Neo-Nazi post on facebook.

It's already got 50 reichs

👍🏼

A man posted an ad "I want a wife", he received more than 5000 answers

They all was from men offering their wives.

👍🏼

Why can't a blonde dial 911

She can't find the eleven.


Not sure if someone already posted this joke but a friend told me so I had to post it.

👍🏼

I've written a joke about Royal Mail.

This should have been posted a long time ago.

👍🏼

First review posted of Elon Musk's "Restaurant on the Moon"

"Great Food, No Atmosphere"

👍🏼

Boss: Okay guys, we need to think up a name for large advertisements that can be posted along highways...

Bob: Hey, how about Bobboards!

Bill: Hold on, I think I have a better idea...

👍🏼

How many cops does it take to push a black man down a flight of stairs? (Sorry if this has already been posted!)

None, he fell.

👍🏼

Do you want to hear an Ebola joke?

Just refresh the page,it's probably posted again.

👍🏼

Can you explain this strange adoption joke?

A close friend of mine who is my eldest daughter's godmother just posted a very strange joke that references adoption. There must be something to this joke that I am completely missing. Thirty people have gone wild over this and I don't get it. My friend can't possibly be saying something offensive about adoption. My three children are adopted and they are grown up, healthy, happy, and thriving. What is the point here?

@AAPsyc hysterical!

A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss, and a money launder walk into a bar. The bartender says: "you guys must be here to talk about adoption."

TIA

👍🏼

What's the difference between a joke and a dad joke ?

The joke doesn't go missing.





^^not ^^sure ^^if ^^already ^^posted

👍🏼

Which STD is transmitted through sound...

The clap.

Yes this joke was just posted but I think my punchline is better.

👍🏼

A new trailer for the movie "Cheddar" was just posted.

I think the special effects look pretty cheesy.

👍🏼

A request for Fish Jokes

My girlfriend really likes and jokes and fish. But when looking for fish jokes on the web i did not find anything except:

"What did the magician say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod"

"Why don't fish play basketball? because they are afraid of nets"

"What did the fish say when he posted bail? I'm off the hook!"

Does anyone have any good fish jokes to share?

👍🏼

I have a joke about time travel

But you got it the first time.


(Best told two or three days after making the recently posted "I have a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.")

👍🏼

What a programmer posted to Facebook after he became a father.

Version 2.0 released with Day 1 patch. May include minor bugs.

👍🏼

Logan paul finally posted a video with a title that isn't clickbait

We found a dead body....

👍🏼

Good deli related jokes?

I posted last night but it was really late. I got a couple pretty good responses though, but I'm trying again now in hope of a bigger turnout. So if ya got a good joke about a deli or the meats and cheeses sold in them let me know. Cheesier the better, pun completely intended.

👍🏼

I posted a joke via USPS...

...not sure if it was their fault or mine, but the delivery of the punchline was completely botched.

👍🏼

Since Valentine's is approaching, my friend posted "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew he liked them young but that is fucking ridiculous.

👍🏼

If brevity is the soul of wit...

Why the fuck are some the jokes posted here so long?

👍🏼

A Major gets posted in the desert.....

in the camp the Sergeant briefed him about the camp and before going he whispers to him, ' When we are horny we use the camel'.
The major ignores this and 6 months pass.Finally one night out of desperation the major orders the sergeant to bring the camel and a tall stool.When both the stool and the camel arrives , he takes down his pants and climbs up the stool. He then starts to bang the camel and asks the sergeant , 'Is this what you do when you are horny huh?'.

The sergeant replies ' Sir, what i meant was that we use the camel to get to hookers'.

👍🏼

What's the best thing about a joke about communism?

That everyone gets it

(i heard it from someone else, let me know if this has already been posted)

👍🏼

Why did the Chicken cross the road

#To get to the other side.


(This has not been posted here, search it)

👍🏼

Posted a BYU/Utah joke yesterday. Here's another

Did you hear about University of Utah's honor code?

Yes, your honor. No, your honor. Thank you, your honor.

👍🏼

I posted a joke on here about a Chinese nazi

It got three Reichs.

👍🏼

What are the best Posted puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Posted? Well, here are the best jokes about Posted to have fun with.

Joko Jokes