Post Office Jokes

A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.

95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”
He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Stamping out intolerance

A woman walks into the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
What denomination? asks the shop assistant.
Oh, good heavens. Have we really come to this? says the woman. I guess I'll take 50 Catholic and 50 Anglican.

The US post office announced today that they'll be releasing a new stamp commemorating prostitution.

It's a ten cent stamp, but if you wanna lick it, it's a quarter.

An elderly Jewish sage walks into the post office and hands the clerk a thick envelope to mail.

The clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, buy this envelope is too heavy. You'll need to put another stamp on it."
"Vaht, and you think adding another stamp vill make it any lighter?"

Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States.

It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter

A little girl writes a Christmas letter to Santa

"Dear Santa, I want a fur coat and a scarf for Christmas." She goes to the post office and sends the letter. Next day the postman reads the letter and decides to give the girl a scarf for christmas. After christmas the postman gets another letter: " Santa, thanks for the scarf, but i bet the mailman took the coat!"

A man robs a Post Office

"Give me all your stamps!"
"What? Why sir? They're not that expensive"
"Shut your trap, I have on good knowledge they can go a long way."

I can't believe how s**... that bloke in the Post Office was....

He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.

At the post office....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

I just went to the post office and got 54 raisins for 30 sultanas!

I can't believe the currant exchange rate!

Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office?

Because the devil takes many forms.

The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged

"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"
"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Can somebody explain to me the uproar over the CEO editing posts?

I mean... what part of Chief Editing Officer don't these people understand?

8 Days' Worth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. What denomination? asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before 
replying, Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.

In a few weeks the keys to the worlds most important office will be handed over to Donald Trump.

There is absolutely nothing funny about that. Figured this sub was a perfect place to post this.

The post office lost my package and wouldn't return my phone calls...

I swear if I don't get my package or at least a phone call in the next few days I'm going to go postal 😡

Why are women so upset with the gender hiring equality in the Post Office?

Because it's such a mail dominated industry

Our new post office reconstruct on the exact spot after a fire accident..

... and we called it a repost office

How do you know that it really is a post office employee that goes postal?

The bullets hit the wrong building three days late.

The US postal service releases a stamp of Donald Trump

After sometime, reports start to come in that the stamp was not sticking. Infuriated that his own stamps were not working, Trump conducted a $1,300,000 investigation to find out what happened. After eliminating all of the possibilities, they observe the post office to see if the fault was on the consumers end. They soon found out that people were spitting on the wrong side.

Slim walks into his local post office and notices a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA

"Gosh!" he says, "If only that job was in Texas, I'd take it!"

The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp

People were too confused about which side to spit on

Did you know, the Post Office considered delivering post by Missle?

Really puts the term 'letter bomb' in a whole new light.

I asked the hot lady at the post office if she could put some stamps on my package...

She kicked me in the nuts.

NYPD officer belts out Backstreet Boys over intercom New. York Post

That's what happens when you're under to much pressure

The Post Office has been mis-delivering mails lately...

...this issue has to be seriously addressed.

An edited version of a joke that's been already posted.

A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.
The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, why did you only arrest the proton?
To which one of the officers replied, well you see, the electron kept running around the proton like a madman, so we couldn't know its exact location. And no one can press charges on the neutron.

Recently, I've been getting worried about the number of posts I've seen about people's romantic lives with their SO...

I'm glad to say I now know 'SO' does not mean 'Superior Officer'.

I was at the Post Office....

When I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope.
I asked, "what are you doing ??"
The blonde replied, "Sending a voice mail"....

An ad was posted for a therapist's office

"If you have troubles, tell us about them. If not, tell us how you do it.

Why did so many German officers flee to argentina after WW2?

Because they heard there was an entire town for Buenos Arians
(I hope this hasn't been posted before, if so I apologize)

Why don't you put a post office next to a liberal arts college?

They'll always argue over the male agenda.

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and says "But then it wouldn't make any sense."

Two soldiers were at their post

When their commanding officer came over and said
" Alright boys there is a curfew tonight, anyone seen out past 10pm must be shot on site." The soldiers shook their head and obliged.
It hit 9:45pm and the commanding officer heard gunshot fire and came running to the soldiers to discover a man shot dead.
" What the h**... happened here! It's only 9:45!" Said the officer.
" Well sir I know where that man lives and there is no way in h**... he was making it home for 10!"

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

A dog goes into a post office to send a telegram...

The clerk gives him the relevant form and he goes to the desk to fill it in.
When he has finished he hands it back to the clerk with the fee and the clerk reads it through.
The message reads Woof woof, woof woof woof; woof woof, woof woof woof.
The clerk then tells the dog that, at no extra cost, he could have another 'woof' in the message.
The dog replies, Yes, I know, but then it wouldn't make any sense!

In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.

Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope

My Daughter In Law

She's a manager at a post office. I threw her a party for getting promoted in a mail dominated industry.

I wrote a joke about how c**... the post office is and mailed it to my dad.

He didn't get it.

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

Was considering a job at the Post Office.

But decided not to get involved in a mail dominated organization.

Air Postal Service

A man sets down three pieces of luggage at a very famous **International Airlines** (*that shall not be named*) check-in counter and says, "I want the brown bag to go to London, the black one to go to Paris," he said. "And keep the third bag here till my return from Australia next week for pick up."
The check-in clerk blinked. A supervisor standing behind him overheard the request and came up. "I am sorry sir, but we are not the **post office**," he said, "we can't do that."
"Why not?" the irate passenger said, raising his voice, "That's what you did the last time!"

There is a road nearby called Berlin Street.

True story, and not quite a joke, but this just happened. All I can say is our daughter pays a lot of attention to things. Anyway, I needed to drop off a letter, and asked my wife, "Isn't the post office on Berlin Street?"
"Yes, but I think I heard it's actually pronounced BERL-in, not ber-LIN. The city changed the pronunciation around World War II due to unwanted association with Germany."
Then my 4-year old daughter said, fully serious, "is that why we say POOPIN' instead of POOTIN'?"

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?

Fission mailed!

Odd how you can only send mail during the day.

They are called post office hours, after all.