Post Office Jokes
85 post office jokes and hilarious post office puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about post office that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Post Office Short Jokes
Short post office jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The post office humour may include short postal service jokes also.
- My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it Post office
- I've open 6 birthday cards and I'm up to $150 already. I love working for the post office!
- What has more letters than the alphabet... The Post office...
My 9 year old daughter told me this before bed... i thought i'd share. - So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
- I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day. Eventually the post office fired me for it.
- My wife tried to apply at the post office, but they would not letter. They said only mails work here.
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- The US post office announced today that they'll be releasing a new stamp commemorating prostitution. It's a ten cent stamp, but if you wanna lick it, it's a quarter.
- Odd how you can only send mail during the day. They are called post office hours, after all.
- Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office? Because the devil takes many forms.
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Post Office One Liners
Which post office one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with post office? I can suggest the ones about postal worker and postal.
- What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak? Parceltongue
- Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office They get really annoyed
- I started a new gay club called "The Post Office" You can get your male there.
- Which three words contains the most letters? The post office.
- what two words have all the letters... Post Office
- Where does everyone from The Office now work? Post-Office
- I can spell something with more than 100 letters P-O-S-T O-F-F-I-C-E
- Never stand behind Satan at the post office For the devil takes many forms
- What has more letters then the alphabet? The post office!!!
- What will Post Malone's workplace be called? Post office
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Post Office Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about post office you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean postage stamps jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make post office pranks.
A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.
95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”
He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker.
It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Stamping out intolerance
A woman walks into the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
What denomination? asks the shop assistant.
Oh, good heavens. Have we really come to this? says the woman. I guess I'll take 50 Catholic and 50 Anglican.
A blonde and a brunette bought a farm...
...and although the farm came stocked with a barn full of hay, some chickens, and a few horses, they only had one cow and needed a bull to raise more. They checked the newspaper listings and found a bull for sale a few hundred miles away.
The brunette bought a train ticket and took their remaining $50 to buy the bull. When she arrived, the seller refused any offers below $45, leaving the brunette without enough cash to get her and the bull home. She decided she would send a telegram to her friend to pick them up.
At the post office, the postman tells her a telegram will cost her $5 per word. Since she only has $5 left, she can only send one word to her friend. Thinking long and hard about what to send, she finally decides on "comfortable". The postman looks puzzled and asks, "Why comfortable?"
The brunette says, "My friend is blonde and reads really slowly. To her, it will say 'Come-for-ta-bull.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A captain is sent to a new company....
A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". After most of the tour is done, the captain notices a camel tied to a post. He asks " What's that camel for?" the sergeant answers " Well the men use to the camel to g.. " The captain interrupts him and says, " I get it, to get rid of stress, that's a bit disgusting if you ask me." The sergeant then brings him to his office, finishing the tour. A few months pass by, and the captain is getting s**... frustrated, he asked the sergeant to bring the camel in his office. He then proceeds to have s**... with the camel the best way he could. When he was done he looks at the sergeant, who had a look of surprise in his eyes, and says "What? you never seen any of the men do this before?". The sergeant simply answers " Well, usually the men use the camel to go to town and find a h**.... It's great way to get rid of stress".
Science jokes
Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.
Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.
Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic?
A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out.
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."
An elderly Jewish sage walks into the post office and hands the clerk a thick envelope to mail.
The clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, buy this envelope is too heavy. You'll need to put another stamp on it."
"Vaht, and you think adding another stamp vill make it any lighter?"
Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
Grad School Interview
Ted Kaczynski was the Unabomber but very few people remember that he was also a professor at Berkley with his own graduate students. Here is a list of his interview questions for the perspective candidates.
1) How are you?
2) Did you find my office OK?
3) Are you a cop? Legally, I think you have to tell me if you are, right?
4) Good. Lets say you find that someone had accidently left, what I think most people would agree is a completely reasonable manifesto in the copier, what would you do?
5) Complete the following sentence; Snitches get…..
6) Using your geometry skills, fit these components into this rectangular wooden box.
7) Take this package to the post office…..this is a timed event.
Driving in Scotland
(First post here, let me know if i need to fix anything please).
An American decides to visit Scotland. While there, he decides to rent a nice car to explore the country. Not long on the road he is pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the vehicle and asks the American,
"I don't the way you were drivin' back there. Have you been drinkin' today?"
"No officer I haven't." To which the officer replies,
"Well, I guess ya wouldn't mind proving yurself with a breathlizer test, would ya?"
"If you will stop pestering me, than no, I wouldn't mind." The American blows and the machine reads a flat .00. "See? I told you I haven't been drinking. May I go now?" The officer was skeptical and retorted,
" The danm thing must be broken! Gimme that!" The officer blows and the machine immediately starts ringing. Registering a .38."Guess it's working, don't let me pull ya over again." To which the American promptly drives away. Only to get pulled over three miles later, by the same officer, for the fourth time that day.
The Post Office
I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."
Ariel Sharon postage stamp
Ariel Sharon wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it before he is kicked out of office.
So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high International quality. The stamps are created, printed, and released. Sharon is very pleased.
But within a few days of release of the stamp, he begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking, and he becomes infuriated.
He calls the people responsible and orders them to investigate the matter.
They check the matter out at several post offices, and they report the problem to Sharon.
The report states, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp.The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."
A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram
A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,
"What do you want it to say?"
"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"
The telegram guy says,
"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra 'WOOF' on there for you?"
The dog looks at him, confused, and says,
"But then it wouldn't make any sense!"
- Norm McDonald
The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States.
It's a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter
A little girl writes a Christmas letter to Santa
"Dear Santa, I want a fur coat and a scarf for Christmas." She goes to the post office and sends the letter. Next day the postman reads the letter and decides to give the girl a scarf for christmas. After christmas the postman gets another letter: " Santa, thanks for the scarf, but i bet the mailman took the coat!"
Philosophy Convention
All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation until much later.
When he finally arrives, he asks the front desk for his room but, unfortunately, no rooms are available.
Struck by this, Aristotle asks Socrates if he wouldn't mind sharing a room with him but Socrates slams the door in his face.
He goes over to Kant's room and pleads with him but Kant also slams the door in face.
Aristotle decides to change his plan. He walks to Descartes' room and tells him "Descartes, there has been a terrible mistake. The front desk has given you my room and has lost your reservation." Descartes, angered by this, replies "I think not!"
And then Aristotle got a room.
A man robs a Post Office
"Give me all your stamps!"
"What? Why sir? They're not that expensive"
"Shut your trap, I have on good knowledge they can go a long way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...
It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just £50 so he can help his family.
At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together £45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.
A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the £50, but I thought you should know, those robbing b**... at the Post Office stole £5."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe how s**... that bloke in the Post Office was....
He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.
At the post office....
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged
"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"
"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"
Can somebody explain to me the uproar over the CEO editing posts?
I mean... what part of Chief Editing Officer don't these people understand?
8 Days' Worth
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. What denomination? asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before
replying, Give me six Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.
In a few weeks the keys to the worlds most important office will be handed over to Donald Trump.
There is absolutely nothing funny about that. Figured this sub was a perfect place to post this.
The post office lost my package and wouldn't return my phone calls...
I swear if I don't get my package or at least a phone call in the next few days I'm going to go postal 😡
Our new post office reconstruct on the exact spot after a fire accident..
... and we called it a repost office
How do you know that it really is a post office employee that goes postal?
The bullets hit the wrong building three days late.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Terrorists apply for ISIS ...
* First t**... enters the job interview:
Q: Name?
A: Mohammed.
Q: Biggest accomplishment?
A: Robbed a Bank, killed 2 Officers.
Q: How many Letters are in the Alphabet?
A: 26.
* Second t**... enters:
Q: Name?
A: Ibrahim.
Q: Biggest accomplishment?
A: Hacked 306 Facebook accounts posting "Alahu Akbar!"
Q: How many Letters are in the Alphabet?
A: 26.
* Third t**... enters:
Q: Name?
A: Mustafa.
Q: Biggest accomplishment?
A: Wiped out a big Company.
Q: How many Letters are in the Alphabet?
A: 24.
Q: Why only 24?
A: EA is no more.
A man sends some lettuce through the mail
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Slim walks into his local post office and notices a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA
"Gosh!" he says, "If only that job was in Texas, I'd take it!"
The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp
People were too confused about which side to spit on
Did you know, the Post Office considered delivering post by Missle?
Really puts the term 'letter bomb' in a whole new light.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked the hot lady at the post office if she could put some stamps on my package...
She kicked me in the nuts.
NYPD officer belts out Backstreet Boys over intercom New. York Post
That's what happens when you're under to much pressure
I went to the post office to pick up my wife and I's new car spoilers, only to find out our package was delayed. It was then one of the workers came over and said
This post contains no spoilers.
I got a job at the post office the other day
But I got fired after a few hours. I don't know why, I followed the managers orders to the letter.
The Post Office has been mis-delivering mails lately...
...this issue has to be seriously addressed.
Recently, I've been getting worried about the number of posts I've seen about people's romantic lives with their SO...
I'm glad to say I now know 'SO' does not mean 'Superior Officer'.
I was at the Post Office....
When I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope.
I asked, "what are you doing ??"
The blonde replied, "Sending a voice mail"....
An ad was posted for a therapist's office
"If you have troubles, tell us about them. If not, tell us how you do it.
Why did so many German officers flee to argentina after WW2?
Because they heard there was an entire town for Buenos Arians
(I hope this hasn't been posted before, if so I apologize)
This Goat walks into a post office
And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and says "But then it wouldn't make any sense."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two soldiers were at their post
When their commanding officer came over and said
" Alright boys there is a curfew tonight, anyone seen out past 10pm must be shot on site." The soldiers shook their head and obliged.
It hit 9:45pm and the commanding officer heard gunshot fire and came running to the soldiers to discover a man shot dead.
" What the h**... happened here! It's only 9:45!" Said the officer.
" Well sir I know where that man lives and there is no way in h**... he was making it home for 10!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?
Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
My Daughter In Law
She's a manager at a post office. I threw her a party for getting promoted in a mail dominated industry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wrote a joke about how c**... the post office is and mailed it to my dad.
He didn't get it.
I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.
I said You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...
Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...
and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."
Was considering a job at the Post Office.
But decided not to get involved in a mail dominated organization.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Air Postal Service
A man sets down three pieces of luggage at a very famous **International Airlines** (*that shall not be named*) check-in counter and says, "I want the brown bag to go to London, the black one to go to Paris," he said. "And keep the third bag here till my return from Australia next week for pick up."
The check-in clerk blinked. A supervisor standing behind him overheard the request and came up. "I am sorry sir, but we are not the **post office**," he said, "we can't do that."
"Why not?" the irate passenger said, raising his voice, "That's what you did the last time!"
There is a road nearby called Berlin Street.
True story, and not quite a joke, but this just happened. All I can say is our daughter pays a lot of attention to things. Anyway, I needed to drop off a letter, and asked my wife, "Isn't the post office on Berlin Street?"
"Yes, but I think I heard it's actually pronounced BERL-in, not ber-LIN. The city changed the pronunciation around World War II due to unwanted association with Germany."
Then my 4-year old daughter said, fully serious, "is that why we say POOPIN' instead of POOTIN'?"
Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!
