Post Jokes

What are some Post jokes?

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other:

Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: "Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office?

Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title

It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title then repeat it in the body of the post.

So I got a phone call from the post office today...

...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

If you've had sex with less than 536 people, then having sex with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.

I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

Guys get PMS too...

Post Masturbation Syndrome. It's the 15 minutes after masturbating where you question what life is and what you just did.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better?

A site for sore eyes!



My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol

Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....

There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.





*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*

A young girl accepts a dare, and wins a dollar

she tells her mom about it, saying how the boys dared her to climb a post.

"Silly girl, that's so they could look up your skirt."

So the next day, the girl comes back and says "They tried to make me climb that post again, but I outsmarted them this time!"

"Really? What did you do?"

"I told them 'I'm not going to be fooled into reposting!"

"Tom Jones Syndrome"

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doc arrives.

"Hello Jim what seems to be the problem today?"

Jim replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' by Tom Jones!"

The Doc says "oh yes, that is 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"

"Is it common?" Jim asks

"Well it's not unusual"


First post.

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Donkey joke

Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post

My LASIK doctor said that if I get 2000 upvotes on this post I'll get free treatment.

Upvote for visibility.

A woman smiling

Not my joke but wanted to post it here. A bit dry but I find it funny.

At a bar a woman keeps smiling at a man. Finally the man walk over to her.
Man: I would like to ask you to come over to my place.
Woman: Are you trying to pick me up?
Man: No. I'm a dentist.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"

He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.

"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"

He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"

"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

*

A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"

Then the woman replied..

"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

At the post office....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.

What do you call a bird that sticks to trees?

Velcrow.

(Thanks and credit to u/HRduffNstuff for rewording my original post :))

Post your most offensive joke? Sure.

Whats the worst part about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven :D

The US post office announced today that they'll be releasing a new stamp commemorating prostitution.

It's a ten cent stamp, but if you wanna lick it, it's a quarter.

Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)

Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:





Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
f--- you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

The kids next door just challenged me to a water fight.

So I'd thought I'd post this while I wait for the kettle to boil.

You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.

I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."



*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

Is there an f in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. Where's your lieutenant? he asks a private.

Sir, there isn't a lieutenant assigned to this post.

I was told there was.

No, sir, no lieutenant here.

I'm pretty sure there is.

The private thinks about it for a moment. Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word 'rifle' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

Well, 'rile' I suppose.

That's what I thought. And sir, if you took the word 'draft' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

Amused, the major answers, 'Drat' I guess.

And sir, if you took the word 'lieutenant' and removed the letter 'f', what would remain?

The major says, There is no 'f' in lieutenant.

That's what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin' lieutenant.

To the guy that's bad at building fences...

Oops, wrong place for this post.

Figured i'd put it in the right place and re-post it for you.

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.

A man was hiking in a forest when he sees a big post...

"this is the gaymen forest".. he thinks it's a joke and moves on. As he walks, he sees more and more posts that say "this is the gaymen forest" and that get smaller and smaller. At a certain point, he sees a tiny post, close to the ground. He bends over to read it and sees "It's too late now, buddy! Told ya !"

I saw a poster that said, 'Have you seen my cat?

I rang the number and told them I haven't.

I like to help where I can.

If I ever get fat...

I'm gonna post before and after photos on the internet. I'll just flip them, so everyone tells me how amazing I used to look.

Nerdy Yo Momma Jokes

Post your best nerdy yo momma joke.

I'll start: Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a kernel panic was a KFC that was out of chicken.

I'd make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

Valentine Cards

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

post-graduate plans

My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.

Why did the orange go to the doctor?

Because she wasn't peeling very well...

All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here

I cant think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess just i'll dessert it

A

If this 'A' gets to the front page, I'll delete this text and it'll make people go crazy wondering how an A got to the front page.
Post mysterious comments like So true! And don't talk about how it's an inside joke.

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,

"What do you want it to say?"

"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"

The telegram guy says,

"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra 'WOOF' on there for you?"

The dog looks at him, confused, and says,

"But then it wouldn't make any sense!"

- Norm McDonald

I was going to post a joke about Sodium, but...

...I was like Na, nobody would understand.

The postman and kisses dilevery .

There was a postman who is always happy. in the other side there is harry who would just stares at the happy postman everyday and asks himself "What's the secret of this man".
One day Harry decided to stop the postman and ask him why he's always smiling and happy, what he did.
the postman answered:"Whenever I'm handing a mail to a women I kisses her and I get more than just a kiss sometimes."
Harry liked the idea and went to a poste office and proposed for the job then he got it . In his first delivery Harry was so excited try the kissing thing out, and as he thought, there was a hot women in front of the first door, he went directly towared her and pasted her a kiss staight in the lips, in the middle of that her husband suddenly appeared in front him and asked:"WTF ARE YOU DOING."

"I'm just delivering a 'kiss' was sent from China" Harry answered in a sporadic tone.

"Very nice, you came on time, I want to send a 'Fuck' with you to South Africa" the husband responded while draging Harry into the house.

This is also a translated joke, hope it's better than the first one

What do you call a Barbie on fire?

A Barbecue!







Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:)

I have developed a truly marvellous demonstration of Fermat's last theorem ...

which this post is too short to contain

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'

The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

I need a joke in to tell my Hispanic manager!

I tried telling my boss a corny joke but he said he didn't get it because it was too 'American'(his words not mine). So i told him I'd find a joke in Spanish and try telling him it. I want to make my boss laugh so help me out guys! So if you know any work friendly jokes in Spanish post them here with a translation. Thanks!

Molly the Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...

It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just £50 so he can help his family.

At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together £45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.

A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the £50, but I thought you should know, those robbing bastards at the Post Office stole £5."

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here". He doesn't react, because living a society that systematically discriminates against noble gasses has taught him that getting angry will only bring violence upon him. He totally writes an angry tumblr post about it later that evening though.

I wanted to post a joke about sodium, but I was like...

Na, people won't like it.

I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office?

Because the devil takes many forms.

If you ever feel as thought nobody cares about what you do

Just post something with a spelling mistake in it.

The Post Office

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.

I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"

"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.

"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.

"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."

Trooper in Iraq

A man recently deployed to Iraq is being shown around his new base. At the end of the tour the commanding officer shows the soldier a camel tied to a post. He says,"The men use this camel whenever they begin to feel lonely, feel free to do the same." The soldier responds,"Oh, I'm sure it will never get to that point, sir. I'm married" A couple of weeks pass and the soldier is really missing his wife and stressing about how much longer he has till he'll see his wife again. One night unable to sleep he caves in and has sex with the camel. The next morning he runs into the commanding officer and says,"It happened, sir. I couldn't take the loneliness and had sex with the camel." Commanding officer baffled,"You did WHAT!? The men use that camel to ride into town to buy prostitutes!"

Irish Jokes Megathread

Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.

Famous Last Words

Post your own. I'll start-

"Nah, thats not a dragon"

"And it looks like clear skies over Hiroshima today"

After years of hard work after college, I finally paid back my student loans.

I wish I can post this in a different sub.

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won't assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?

The alpha mail

The chicken and egg have sex

The chicken, enjoying a post coital cigarette, turns to the egg and says

"Well, that answered that old question"

How to make Post jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Post to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Post? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Post pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes