post Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious post puns

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

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If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

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Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

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George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

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TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

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Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

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If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

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I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

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How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

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I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

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Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other:

Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: "Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"

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A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

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Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

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I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.

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Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

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Why didn't the feminist get a job at the post office?

Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.

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If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

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What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

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It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title

It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title then repeat it in the body of the post.

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My wife says if this post gets thousand upvotes, we can do anal.

I'm tired of the other posts. It's me in her.

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A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

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So I got a phone call from the post office today...

...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

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If you've had sex with less than 536 people, then having sex with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.

I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.

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Guys get PMS too...

Post Masturbation Syndrome. It's the 15 minutes after masturbating where you question what life is and what you just did.

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Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

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What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better?

A site for sore eyes!



My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol

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Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....

There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."

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What are the most funny Post jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Post? Well, here are the best Post dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Post pick up lines to share with friends.

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