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Possession Jokes

75 possession jokes and hilarious possession puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about possession that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Possession Short Jokes

Short possession jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The possession humour may include short possessed jokes also.

  1. While I was out shopping today I tipped in the store a woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring so I smiled at her and said "sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.
  2. If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
  3. Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs? They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.
  4. It's a good thing that the ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.
  5. Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.
  6. Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people. This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.
  7. What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions? An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
  8. What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!
  9. The world's first great fisherman possessed something that no man before him ever had. Allure.
  10. I hate playing football with Satan - no matter what skills I use, he always has possession.

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Possession One Liners

Which possession one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with possession? I can suggest the ones about owning and custody.

  1. Imagine if instead of periods, women had apostrophes They'd be even more possessive.
  2. Never date an apostrophe... they can be possessive.
  3. Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.
  4. Why do demons love apostrophes? They show possession.
  5. I forgot to pay the bill for my exorsist Now I've been re-possessed.
  6. Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison? He was charged with possession.
  7. BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months
  8. What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house? He'll re-possess it
  9. Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession
  10. Why did the Devil get arrested? Possession.
  11. What do ghosts get arrested for? Possession.
  12. Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces? The quart room
  13. How does a pirate sell his possessions? A Yarr Sale
  14. Did you hear that the devil got arrested? Apparently, they got him on possession.
  15. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

Drug Possession Jokes

Here is a list of funny drug possession jokes and even better drug possession puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A local barber in my town was just arrested for drug possession. This surprised me because I've been his customer for years and I never knew he was a barber......
  • Why did the nun get charged with possession? Because she had a drug habit.
  • What did the blonde say after getting arrested for the i**... possession of drugs? "What do you mean i**... possession?!? I bought these drugs fair and square!"
Possession joke, What did the blonde say after getting arrested for the i**... possession of drugs?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about possession can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of possession puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Cheerful Fun Possession Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about possession you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean belongings jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make possession prank.

Who decided to call it m**... possession"

and not joint custody?

A couple of dwarves got arrested...

A couple of dwarves got arrested in London the other day.
They got charged for possession of small arms.

Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".

I am sorry five.

A Chinese man is walking down the street after just arriving in the U.S. for the first time. He possesses a limited understanding of English. While caught up in the splendor of the city he accidentally bumps into another person.
The Chinese man quickly responds "I'm Sorry!"
The American man says, "I am sorry too."
The Chinese man says "I am sorry three."
The American says "What are you sorry for?"
The Chinese man replies "I am sorry five."

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a d**......

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute banker girl

The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."

A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"
The ghost smiles and says "possession".

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

I like my women how I like my coffee:

Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.

Did you hear about the s**... ghost?

He got arrested for possession

Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "

A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.

Now that w**... is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for i**... possession.

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

m**... Possession?

More like joint custody.

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."

"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."
"It's a viscous cycle."

"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."
"It's discus michael."

After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.

At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!"
Later that night, John took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.

Did you hear its now i**... to be in possession of a ballpoint pen in Spain?

That's the Spanish ink-position.

What do apostrophes and demonic behavior have in common?

They're both signs of possession.

A basic rule of comedy is that if you possess a trait, you can joke about it. Like if you're fat, you can joke about fat people. If you're black, you can joke about black people

So, a 25-year old v**... walks into a bar..

Can you go to jail for this?

A d**... enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this d**..., but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.
She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"
She responds, "possession."

An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...

He said, I will be dying soon, so I'd like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.
The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.
The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.
She shook her head and said, I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.

Breaking News

At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck t**... into the lives of many for generations. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

So just some dating advice for y'all, never EVER date a d**...!

They're way too possessive!!

t**...

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Why did they call it 'Possession of m**...' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some w**...

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

My pastor announced that someone in our congregation is possessed by an owl.

All I can think is: Who? Who?!

A man goes on a business trip to Boston and wants to try out the local cuisine.

So, as he gets into the cab at the airport, he asks the driver "Where can I get Scrod?" The driver replies "Mister, I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the Past Pluperfect Possessive."

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"

One day i went to the priest in my village and told him:


" Father, every day I wake up and hear a voice giving me orders, I think I'm possessed!"
He replied: "Calm down son! You are not possessed, you are married..."

Possession joke, One day i went to the priest in my village and told him:

jokes about possession

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these possession jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.