Possession Jokes
70 possession jokes and hilarious possession puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about possession that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Possession Short Jokes
Short possession jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The possession humour may include short custody jokes also.
- While I was out shopping today I tipped in the store a woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring so I smiled at her and said "sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.
- Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs? They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.
- It's a good thing that the ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.
- Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.
- Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people. This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.
- What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions? An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
- What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!
- The world's first great fisherman possessed something that no man before him ever had. Allure.
- I hate playing football with Satan - no matter what skills I use, he always has possession.
- A couple of dwarves got arrested... A couple of dwarves got arrested in London the other day.
They got charged for possession of small arms.
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Possession One Liners
Which possession one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with possession? I can suggest the ones about presence and property.
- Never date an apostrophe... they can be possessive.
- Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.
- Why do demons love apostrophes? They show possession.
- I forgot to pay the bill for my exorsist Now I've been re-possessed.
- BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months
- What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house? He'll re-possess it
- Why did the Devil get arrested? Possession.
- Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces? The quart room
- How does a pirate sell his possessions? A Yarr Sale
- Why did the limb doctor get arrested? Possession of arms
- What was the poltergeist arrested for at the campground? Possession within tent
- Why did the ghost break up with her boyfriend? He was too possessive.
- I used to be a Satanist I don't know what possessed me...
- How is a girlfriend like a pronoun? Your's is possessive
- What did the priest do to the possessed gym teacher? He exorcised.
Cheerful Fun Possession Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about possession you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rental jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make possession pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who decided to call it m**... possession"
and not joint custody?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
I am sorry five.
A Chinese man is walking down the street after just arriving in the U.S. for the first time. He possesses a limited understanding of English. While caught up in the splendor of the city he accidentally bumps into another person.
The Chinese man quickly responds "I'm Sorry!"
The American man says, "I am sorry too."
The Chinese man says "I am sorry three."
The American says "What are you sorry for?"
The Chinese man replies "I am sorry five."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A daughter is seemingly possessed by a d**......
Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?
He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute banker girl
The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.
The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"
The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"
The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm not kidding, leave me a loan! I lost interest."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father dies and in order to be at his daughter's wedding he possesses a bottle of v**... from the kitchen.
At least he was with them in spirit.
An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.
Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women how I like my coffee:
Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.
Stopped by the police
I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "
A philosopher says to a linguist...
A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Imagine if instead of periods, women had apostrophes
They'd be even more possessive.
A baby is born
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now...
He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that w**... is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.
I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for i**... possession.
I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun
The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.
Once upon a time
...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most priceless possession.
Now in this community it was c
"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."
"It's a vicious cycle."
"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."
"It's a viscous cycle."
"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."
"It's discus michael."
After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.
At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!"
Later that night, John took his bowling ball and put it in the toilet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear its now i**... to be in possession of a ballpoint pen in Spain?
That's the Spanish ink-position.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A basic rule of comedy is that if you possess a trait, you can joke about it. Like if you're fat, you can joke about fat people. If you're black, you can joke about black people
So, a 25-year old v**... walks into a bar..
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you go to jail for this?
A d**... enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this d**..., but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.
She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"
She responds, "possession."
Material Guy
A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!
The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.
The guy looks down where his arm used to be and wails Oh, my god, my precious Rolex!
An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...
He said, I will be dying soon, so I'd like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.
The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belongings.
The attic was still full of all the possessions she put there.
She shook her head and said, I knew I should have put all his possessions in the basement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the omelet that was possessed by a d**...?
They had to call an eggsorcist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So just some dating advice for y'all, never EVER date a d**...!
They're way too possessive!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some w**...
Got arrested for possession and bribery.
My pastor announced that someone in our congregation is possessed by an owl.
All I can think is: Who? Who?!
A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"
One day i went to the priest in my village and told him:
" Father, every day I wake up and hear a voice giving me orders, I think I'm possessed!"
He replied: "Calm down son! You are not possessed, you are married..."
