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Possessed Jokes

43 possessed jokes and hilarious possessed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about possessed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Possessed Short Jokes

Short possessed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The possessed humour may include short possession jokes also.

  1. While I was out shopping today I tipped in the store a woman saw this and wouldn't stop staring so I smiled at her and said "sorry, it's been a while since I possessed a body." She looked horrified.
  2. If woman had apostrophes instead of periods, they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.
  3. Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs? They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.
  4. It's a good thing that the ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.
  5. Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.
  6. Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people. This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.
  7. What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions? An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
  8. What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? They would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions!
  9. The world's first great fisherman possessed something that no man before him ever had. Allure.
  10. I hate playing football with Satan - no matter what skills I use, he always has possession.

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Possessed One Liners

Which possessed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with possessed? I can suggest the ones about occupied and conquered.

  1. Imagine if instead of periods, women had apostrophes They'd be even more possessive.
  2. Never date an apostrophe... they can be possessive.
  3. Why did the ghost go to jail? He got arrested for possession.
  4. Why do demons love apostrophes? They show possession.
  5. I forgot to pay the bill for my exorsist Now I've been re-possessed.
  6. Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison? He was charged with possession.
  7. BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months
  8. What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house? He'll re-possess it
  9. Why did the ghost get arrested? For possession
  10. Why did the Devil get arrested? Possession.
  11. What do ghosts get arrested for? Possession.
  12. Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces? The quart room
  13. How does a pirate sell his possessions? A Yarr Sale
  14. Did you hear that the devil got arrested? Apparently, they got him on possession.
  15. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

Possessed joke, Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about possessed can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of possessed puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Fun-Filled Possessed Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about possessed you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean dominated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make possessed prank.

Who decided to call it m**... possession"

and not joint custody?

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"

A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.

Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".

Did you hear about the s**... ghost?

He got arrested for possession

A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"
The ghost smiles and says "possession".

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

I like my women how I like my coffee:

Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.

t**...

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

I am sorry five.

A Chinese man is walking down the street after just arriving in the U.S. for the first time. He possesses a limited understanding of English. While caught up in the splendor of the city he accidentally bumps into another person.
The Chinese man quickly responds "I'm Sorry!"
The American man says, "I am sorry too."
The Chinese man says "I am sorry three."
The American says "What are you sorry for?"
The Chinese man replies "I am sorry five."

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.

A basic rule of comedy is that if you possess a trait, you can joke about it. Like if you're fat, you can joke about fat people. If you're black, you can joke about black people

So, a 25-year old v**... walks into a bar..

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a d**......

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"

Possessed joke, Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison?

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these possessed jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.