Positive Work Jokes
64 positive work jokes and hilarious positive work puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about positive work that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Positive Work Short Jokes
Short positive work jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The positive work humour may include short positive thinking jokes also.
- I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the spanish in position.
- I am an IT expert with 7 years in the industry. Here is my CV, I hope you'll consider me for the position. C:\Users\Brian\MyDocuments\Work\CV\Resume4.docx
- My father who is a janitor said his position at work was raised He will be cleaning the 40th floor instead of the 39th.
- I think my work is boring and not challenging enough... I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!
- My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved.
- I bet Ivanka Trump actually turned down a position in President Trump's cabinet I mean how many women would feel comfortable working for a man who said they would screw their daughter.
- My dad got fired recently for being such an irritated electrician He never conducted himself positively at work
- When my grandfather was dying we struggled to figure out his blood type. He just kept telling us to be positive. and then they just gave him o-negative because it works with all blood types
- I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.
- Is it easy to get a job at a restaurant? I don't have a lot of work experience, so ideally I'd be looking for an entree-level position.
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Positive Work One Liners
Which positive work one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with positive work? I can suggest the ones about positive and positive negative.
- How do you get to a position of power in a science lab? Work over time
- I work as a living statue. It's a permanent position.
- What do you call a psychologist who works with the police? Positive reinforcement
- A woman's favorite position is CEO.
- I used to work at a company called 69, my friend took over my position.
- i tried thinking positive once and it worked until i started thinking reality
Positive Work Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about positive work you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean uplifting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make positive work pranks.
This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”
My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position.
I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy.
He agreed with me.
I got upset that he agreed.
I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.
I heard that the m**... helps men to work out the chest and triceps... do you wanna help me verify this?
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.
An old man was accounting manager in a company.
Every day when he was coming to office, at his desk, he was opening the drawer, seeing something in it very carefully, then he was closing the drawer back.
After twenty years of work at the same position, one day he died.
After his f**..., his colleagues came to his office to check out what was in his drawer, they opened the drawer, in a piece of paper very bold it was written "Debit Left, Credit Right"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling.
Some were considered prime suspects in 9's death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well.
6 snuck into 7's house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9's body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9.
6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.
My girlfriend is going to work for an optometrist
I'm really happy to see her working for someone with a positive outlook
Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)
Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?
A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.
The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.
Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant1: 4
Boss: get out
Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.
Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant2: 4
Boss: get out.
Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that s**... he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.
Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant3: anything you want it to be.
Boss: you're hired.
What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is normally done after I have finished. What am I? Why, I am your very own toothbrush!
Science jokes!
A proton walks into a bar. Strolls up to the bartender and says "I don't care what you serve me, but I want the most expensive drink you offer."
The bartender looks at him quizzically. "You sure about that, buddy?"
**"I'm positive."**
A cute little neutron walks in right after him. "I'll have what he's having," she says.
The bartender pours another glass, slides it over with a wink. **"No charge."**
A mole walks into the same bar, sweating profusely.
"I just worked the hardest I've ever worked. I need a drink. No, I need a lot of drinks. Just keep them coming."
The bartender asks, "How many are you going to have?"
**"6.02 times 10 to the 23rd."**
A priest is on a bus (kinda long)...
...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"
Rabbi and Priest
A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
manager told me this one at dinner last weekend
Working in the field of engineering, things can get pretty dull...so here it goes.
There once was a man, lets call him John, who applied for a position at Tyco to manufacture Tickle-me Elmos. He figured he would make the cut as he knew the hiring manager. John landed the job and was told he'd be needed right away.
John reports to duty the next day and is immediately greeted by a man storming out of the building who obviously just got fired. On his way out he tells the John "Watch out, sales are down...you might be next."
Once John reports to his manager(friend), he inquires about sales being down to which the manager responds, "Yes indeed, sales are down because quality has depreciated." John asks why and the manager says, "People aren't testing the Elmo dolls seriously, you need two test tickles not just one"
Shall I wear pants to work?
A young woman was applying for a teaching position in Britain and, while talking to an HR guy asked him:
Am I supposed to wear a skirt all the time or shall I sometimes wear pants?
After a few seconds of silence the HR guy responded:
If you mean pants that are trousers then yes. Of course you can wear them to work. If you mean pants that are underwear… Well… It's up to you.
P. S. That really happened to a friend of mine.
"The watch"
My dad just reminded me of this old classic!
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few b**... and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more b**... and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more b**... and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.
A young boy was obsessed with tractors..
He got a toy tractor and tractor pyjamas for his birthday, and he loved them with all his heart. 2 years later he got his first mini tractor, and rode it everyday until it became too small. Skip forward again, it was his 16th birthday, and his dad bought him his first real tractor. He takes it out to work around his dad's farm, which is what he always wanted to do. After a month he suddenly decided that farming wasn't for him and he was no longer interested in tractors. Skip ahead another 5 years, and the man is walking home from his office job when he spots a house burning down. He walks over to the house and positions himself in front of it. He suddenly takes a huge breath and s**... in all the smoke, the fire goes out, and the people are saved. A bystander asks him "How on earth did you do that?!" The man replied calmly, "Easy, I'm an ex-tractor fan"
I'm working on a Star Wars Kama Sutra book.
I don't have all the positions down quite yet, but I have mastered the Hand Solo.
Three engineers
There are three engineers heading to their college reunion in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. The car breaks down along the way for seemingly no reason.
The electrical engineer suggests testing the electronics of the car and attempt to find out if a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting stopped up.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, comes up with a "Microsoft Solution": Close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, then he's positive it will work!
Source: One of my old professors but, it's probably somewhere on the internet.
What's a p**...'s favorite position?
w**...-izontal.
Zing! This has been a productive day at work.
Difference between I.T and management
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? The man below says: Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist. I do replies the man. How did you know? Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone. The man below replies, You must work in management. I do, replies the balloonist, But how'd you know? Well , says the man, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
Are you looking for work spreading the word of Jesus?
Because I can offer you the m**....
What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position?
Ability to work under pressure.
Why do the Heisenberg operators for position and momentum work from home?
Because they won't commute.
Boss p**...
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
"For this entry level position, we're looking for..."
"Someone with the wisdom of a 50-year old
The experience of a 40-year old
The ambition of a 30-year old
The energy of a 20-year old
And who, ideally, is willing to work for free."
Something positive in my life that happened recently? Last week I got laid
off from work. I guess it's not that positive.
Guy goes to a doctor...
A guy goes to a doctor and tells him, "I've been thinking about this a long time. I want to be castrated. This is important to me, and don't try to talk me out of it. I don't want any discussion. Just do it."
The doctor shrugs and agrees, and schedules him for surgery the next day.
The guy is laying in the recovery room afterwards with his knees up and an icepack where the work was done, and he looks over and sees another guy in the exact same recovery position. "Looks like we both got the same surgery."
The other guy nods, "Yeah, although I still feel silly getting circumcised--"
"THAT'S THE WORD!"
I just got offered a new position at work that I need to consider.
I got called into my boss's office for standing around too much at work. He said "please take a seat."
I told him I'll have to think about it. While it gives me a lower profile in the company, I'll have a greater comfort level in what I'm doing.
If Pennywise the Clown worked in an office, what position would he hold?
He'd be the IT guy.
The good thing about working as a living statue, is that you finally got a permanent position.
What is the largest barrier to women's advancement in the work place?
The wives of the men in hiring positions.
My friend just died in front of us...
The paramedics working on him asked us his blood type to help save him, but we didn't know it.
He kept telling us all to be positive ...but it's so hard now that he's gone.
We miss him so much.
I recently had a h**... scare from a needle stick at work. If I came up positive for h**..., I could no longer hope to find a ride or die chick...
I could only hope to find a ride *and* die chick.
My wife said if I didn't stop talking about work she'd leave me. She got s**... and asked my favorite position to help.
I guess ceo was the wrong answer. She's leaving me.
My boss asked me whether I see myself working in a leadership position next year.
I mean, how should I know that? I don't have 2020 vision.
I got a new job!
The first day of work my boss asked me what position in the company I thought I would hold in a year. I told him, " I don't know...I don't have 2020 vision".
One day at work some friends were talking about the s**... they had on their wedding night.
First friend said 'oh we enjoyed it a lot, we did it 6 times and tried different positions each time.'
Second said 'that's nothing, we did it almost 13 times till I was completely dry and exhausted'
They asked the third guy about his wedding night, he replied that they did it only once and slept.
Both friends started laughing hysterically and asked why.
He calmly replied 'she wasn't used to it'.
Did you hear about the guy who's surrounded by positive people at his workplace?
Yeah, he really hates his work at the h**... clinic.
I work at a hospital. The staff are really stressed out and are being passive aggressive toward each other.
They keep telling each other to be positive.
I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.
I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.
I used to date my yoga instructor.
Put me in an awkward position at first, but we held on. I bent over backwards to make her happy but she found me uptight and inflexible. Guess it just didn't work out in the long stretch.