Positive Thinking Jokes

Two protons walk into the bar and run into each other.

One of them falls down.
"Are you OK?" asks the other.
"I think so," says the proton.
"You sure?" the other asks.
"Yeah," says the proton..."I'm positive."

Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids.

The results came back positive.
When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"

"My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I m positive he isn't."
"How do you know he isn t?"
"Because I am."

So 2 atoms were walking down the street...

One suddenly says: Oh no, I think I lost an electron!
The other one asks: Are you sure man?
He says: Yes, I'm positive.

An atom is walking down the street...

An atom is walking down the street when he meets a friend of his, who is evidently distraught. "What's the matter...is everything OK?" the atom asks his friend. "Well, I think I might have lost an electron," responds the other atom. "Are you sure?" asks the first. "I'm positive!" replies his friend.

What's a m**...'s favorite s**... position?

You'd probably think it's m**..., but i'm pretty sure they'd try the back door if they had the chance.

Ever wondered why is being gay a sin?

It's simple. We all know 69 as a s**... position. Satan's own number is 6**.... Now think about g**..., and 6**... as a s**... position.

So an atom walks into a bar...

He says, "Hey bartender, I think I lost an electron." The bartender asks him if he's sure, and he says , "Yeah, I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
A photon walks into a bar. He sees his friend on the other side of the room, so he waves.

Two atoms bump into each other, and become stuck.

"Oh, no," said the first atom. "We're going to be stuck like this forever!"
"It'll be okay. Try not to be so negative! Think positive for a second."
The first atom thought real hard, and the two flew apart.

A helium atom and a hydrogen atom were talking.

A helium atom and a hydrogen atom were talking.
Hydrogen says to helium, 'Hey, I think I've lost my electron.'
Helium replies 'Oh, are you sure?'
Hydrogen responds 'I'm positive'.

What's an Optimistic Vampire's Favorite Drink?

B Positive!
(We were trying to think of jokes that would be on pop sickle sticks in my AP Stats class. I came up with this one. I'm not proud.)

Two hydrogen atoms

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says "I think I've been ionized".
The second replied " are you sure" and the first responded "yes I'm positive".
After hearing this conversation the bartender kicked them out and said to the other patrons "don't anthropomorphize atoms, they don't like it"

I think we're looking at the NSA spying thing the wrong way, there are potential positives.

Soon if you forget your email password you'll be able to ring the CIA and they'll remind you.

My attempt at a s**... math joke

A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is m**.... After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."

I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for h**......

He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'

A Hydrogen atom suddenly exclaimed: "I think I just lost my electron!"

"Are you sure?" Asked its friend,
"Yes" replied the first, "I'm positive."

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down a street...

One of them trips and falls. His friend says, " are you okay? "
" I dunno. I think I lost my electron! "
"Are you sure? "
"I'm positive!"

A Hydrogen atom walks into a bar...

...and asks for a shot.
Bartender, "what's the occasion?"
Atom, "I think I lost an electron."
Bartender, "you sure?"
Atom, "I'm positive."

A little boy asks his father ...

...
Boy: Dad what is 69
the dad confused takes a minute, thinks about it and responds
Dad: Son 69 is a position people take during s**.... It's actually quite common and I'm sure at some point in your life you will encounter it as well
Son: So what should I write that 69 is even or odd

They say that you should always dress for the job you want and not the job you have, so all week I have been coming into the office dressed as a fireman.

I can't say that the reaction has been positive overall, but I'm going to stick with it, because I think perseverance is a pretty important trait to have if your job is fighting fires.

Do you think charlie sheen admitted to being h**... positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

Joke my scinence teacher dropped on us

A lithium atom walked into a bar and said
"Hey I think I left some electrons in here last night, have you seen any?"
The bar tender replied, "No, are you sure you lost them?"
The lithium atom replied "Yes I'm positive..."

Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little o**... s**... is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines & dies. The nurse runs in & asks what happened.
"I'm not positive, but I think she choked to death!"

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. m**... 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Two atoms are walking together...

One of them says:
Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.
The other replies, Are you sure?
The first says, Yes, I'm positive.
*This is an oldy all over the internet, but very cute.*

I was quite an upbeat child

I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

Think about something positive! What's the first thing that comes to your mind?

My h**... test.

My friend got drunk and thinks he had s**... with a p**......

At first he wasn't sure, but then he was *positive*.

I think we all need something positive after the recent election

Which is why I'm sharing my h**... status with all of you.

A Neutron Walks Into a Bar

And says "Oh my God I think I just lost an electron!" The bartender asks "are you positive?"

Two cesium atoms are walking down the street

The first Cesium atom says, "oh my god! I think I'm missing an electron!" The second one says, "are you sure?" The first replies, "I'm positive."

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...

I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

A v**... goes to a brothel for his first time.

The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."
He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge f**..., right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.
A few minutes later, she rips another f**..., bigger than the first one.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."

I just got offered a new position at work that I need to consider.

I got called into my boss's office for standing around too much at work. He said "please take a seat."
I told him I'll have to think about it. While it gives me a lower profile in the company, I'll have a greater comfort level in what I'm doing.

Cinderella was waiting for her christmas photos to be sent in the mail.

Even though they were very late she stayed positive, thinking: 'One day my prints will come'.

I'm thinking about getting my blood tested

I'm scared of A negative result, but I'll try to B positive.

My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

Two atoms are walking down the street....

One of them shouts, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other inquires, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

So, a woman and an inexperienced guy want to have s**......

She proposes doing 69, he doesn't know the position but agrees - doesn't matter had s**..., he thinks.
They begin, she s**... and he licks happily away, but suddenly she has to f**.... He pauses, shivers but continues.
Shortly after, she farts again. He pushes her off, puts on his pants. She begs him not to go, he answers: "sorry, I like you and s**... is fun... But I won't take the other 67."

Which is worse having AIDS, or dying in a plane c**...?

I think it's probably worse having AIDS, in fact I'm positive.

Me: Nothing's going well in my life.

Friend: Think positive thoughts! You ll feel better.
Me: | Nothing's going well in my life. |

Van Gogh Family

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:
* The really obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
* The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
* His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
* An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
* And his magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh

An ion walks into a bar and tells the bartender I think I dropped an electron on the way in. The bartender asks, are you sure?

I'm positive

Two atoms are driving together, lose control and smash into a tree...

ATOM #1: are you ok?
ATOM #2: oh my god, no! I think I lost an electron!
ATOM #1: are you sure?
ATOM #2: yes, I'm positive!

-Two atoms walking down the street

Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one another. The first one exclaims, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!" 
"Are you sure?" says the second atom. 
"Yes, I'm positive!"

Someone somewhere out there is thinking about you and the positive impact you had on their lives.

It's not me. I think you're messed up.

An atom walks into a bar

He said I think I lost an electron on the way in.
The bartender asked if he's sure.
He said Ion positive.

I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

An atom says to another, I think I just lost an electron .

The other says, Are you sure? .
The first replies, Yes, I'm positive .

Angel Gabriel approached God

What are you doing there? he asked.
Well said God, You know this planet I've been creating?
Yeah, what of it?
I've discovered that I can cause it to rotate in space, and given the position of that star I made earlier; Sol, it allows, in the most part, for a 24hr period of alternating light and dark.
Oh, that's pretty cool. So what now then?
To be honest, I think I'm gonna call it a day.

The best politicians did well in their English courses

Where do you think hey learned to lie about their positions?

Laughing all the way to the bank

I think bankers must be very positive and funny people - whenever I ask for a loan, all they do is laugh at me.

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite s**... position.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

A wife and husband are going on a road trip

After a few hours, the wife decides thay she is tired
Wife: Y'know honey, i think i might take a nap
The husband gives her a nod, and after putting her chair into a comfortable position for sleeping, she dozes off
A while later, she wakes up,and notices that they are completely off road and in some place she doesn't recognize
Wife: Where the h**... are we!
Husband: I dont know, i just woke up Too

There are two lithium atoms walking along, and one says to the other,

Phil, I think I lost an electron back there.
So Phil says, Really Jason, are you sure?
And Jason replies, Yeah, I'm positive!

Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron."

The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar.

So a hydrogen atom walks into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The bartender says, 'Are you sure?'
The atom says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.
The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".
The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".
The third guy (our guy) gets taken in and when asked the same question he replies "Hmm, I'll have to go home and think about that for a while".
When he got home, his wife asked how he went and he replied enthusiastically "It went really well, I've been assigned a case already!"

Got accosted by a bunch of guys proclaiming the end is nigh…

First one was positive for covid, the second one had laryngitis, next one a s**...'s cough and the last one had a sore t**...…
I think they were the Four hoarse men of the apocalypse.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local bloodbank.

When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.
The priest thinks and says I believe I am a type A positive
The minister says I'm quite certain I'm a type B negative
The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says I think I'm a type O