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Positive Jokes

170 positive jokes and hilarious positive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about positive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Brighten your day with these Positive Jokes! With a unique blend of positive covid, positive yo mama, positive thinking, positive work, positive energy, and positive psychology jokes, you'll be sure to laugh your way to a more positive frame of mind with encouragement to be more constructive and think more positively. Let these positive vibes help you combat negative energy and kickstart a more positive attitude.

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Funniest Positive Short Jokes

Short positive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The positive humour may include short negative jokes also.

  1. Trump tests positive for COVID-19. He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
  2. My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
  3. I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
  4. My crush told me that I'm pretty. Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.
  5. I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive
  6. I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the spanish in position.
  7. With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least charlie sheen is staying positive.
  8. I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
  9. Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
  10. First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific? Me: Simba

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Positive One Liners

Which positive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with positive? I can suggest the ones about pleasant and neutral.

  1. What is the most dangerous position in chess? C4
  2. What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension.
  3. Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
  4. Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says B positive .
  5. Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.
  6. I'm positive I lost an electron... ...better keep an ion that.
  7. 2019: Stay away from negative People 2020: Stay away from positive people
  8. What blood type do happy people have? B Positive.
  9. I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic. Everybody is so positive.
  10. How to always stay positive in life: | life |
  11. I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm I'm the CIEIO
  12. I got fired from my job at Pepsi I tested positive for Coke
  13. The CEO of Pepsi was just fired He tested positive for Coke
  14. I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
  15. I was kicked out of the COVID ward... because I told them to stay positive.

Testing Positive Jokes

Here is a list of funny testing positive jokes and even better testing positive puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19 when all he had to do was to not get tested.
    >!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<
  • I got my Covid test results back today. It said "50"... what does that even mean?!
    Also, my IQ test came back positive.
    I'm so confused.
  • Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke.
  • Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus. I didn't realise they were that close!
  • Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19. Looks like RBG won her first case before God.
  • President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19 Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
  • Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19 She tested alternative-negative
  • As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term. His Covid19 test result.
  • Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19. The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.
  • Everything in my life is going so great... even the test results are coming back positive!

Positive Thinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny positive thinking jokes and even better positive thinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
    Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.
  • Two atoms bump into each other. 2 atoms bump into each other. One says, "I think I lost an electron" The other asks,"Are you sure?"
    To which the first replies, "I am positive"
  • Two atoms walk into a bar. The first one turns to the other and says "I think I've lost an electron!"
    The second one goes "Are you sure?"
    To which the first one replies "I'm positive."
  • So an atom and physicist were talking, and the atom says, "Oh no, I think I've lost an electron". "Are you sure?", the physicist asks.
    The atom replies, "I'm positive".
  • Two atoms were walking down the street and one suddenly stops and says, Oh no, I think I lost an electron! The other atom asks, are you positive?
  • Two atoms are in a bar. One says, "I think I lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" to which the other replies, "I'm positive."
  • Two atoms were hanging out... ...and one says to the other, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!"
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first says, "Yes, I'm positive!"
  • Two atoms are walking back home together... One of the atom stumbles and falls
    Atom: ouch, I think I just lost an electron.
    Atom 2: are you sure?
    Atom: I'm positive.
  • Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less." Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."
  • Me: Nothing's going well in my life. Friend: Think positive thoughts! You ll feel better.
    Me: | Nothing's going well in my life. |
Positive joke, Me: Nothing's going well in my life.

Positive Negative Jokes

Here is a list of funny positive negative jokes and even better positive negative puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I heard that, while a double negative makes a positive, a double positive doesn't make a negative... Yeah right.
  • Two positives never make a negative. Yeah, right.
  • English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative." From back of class: "Yea. Right!"
  • My 2019 was about staying away from people being negative.. My 2020 was about staying away from people being positive..
  • What did the positive charge say to the negative charge after their first date? *"We have potential."*
  • One of the most negative words... ..of 2020 is 'positive'.
  • There are zero types of people in the world Those who are positive and those who are negative.
  • As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that's just 25 cents. Heads is positive. Tails is negative.
  • This year I decided to rid of all negativity in my life. 2020 wasn't the best year to start, I'd hate to be surrounded by positive people now.
  • When my grandfather was dying we struggled to figure out his blood type. He just kept telling us to be positive. and then they just gave him o-negative because it works with all blood types

Positive Work Jokes

Here is a list of funny positive work jokes and even better positive work puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I am an IT expert with 7 years in the industry. Here is my CV, I hope you'll consider me for the position. C:\Users\Brian\MyDocuments\Work\CV\Resume4.docx
  • How do you get to a position of power in a science lab? Work over time
  • My father who is a janitor said his position at work was raised He will be cleaning the 40th floor instead of the 39th.
  • I think my work is boring and not challenging enough... I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!
  • My friend recently worked at a sugar refinery factory... until his position was dissolved.
  • I bet Ivanka Trump actually turned down a position in President Trump's cabinet I mean how many women would feel comfortable working for a man who said they would screw their daughter.
  • My dad got fired recently for being such an irritated electrician He never conducted himself positively at work
  • I work as a living statue. It's a permanent position.
  • I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.
  • Is it easy to get a job at a restaurant? I don't have a lot of work experience, so ideally I'd be looking for an entree-level position.

Positive Covid Jokes

Here is a list of funny positive covid jokes and even better positive covid puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I no longer need to wear a mask Now that I have my COVID 19 positive shirt people juts avoid being near me
  • After all this time, I still haven't tested positive for Covid… …wouldn't it be funny if it was just because I wasn't sticking the swab far enough into my ear?
  • Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID? It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.
  • In nearly 4 years, finally something positive has finally come out of the White House Covid-19 tests
  • I have always thought of myself as a positive person. Now thanks to COVID-19 I have proof!
  • I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient.. Stay positive
  • My friend has tested positive for Covid. She said that she caught it off of her Cat.
    Don't ask "Meow."
  • What's one thing that turned out positive in 2020? I'll go first: My COVID test.
  • Wife got COVID through me She said "Finally after 15 years of marriage, you're spreading positivity".
  • Rudy Gobert jokes about Coronavirus Rudy Gobert tested positive for coronavirus. This brought NBA to a halt. On Monday, he had joked about the virus by touching microphones.
Positive joke, Rudy Gobert jokes about Coronavirus

Howlingly Hilarious Positive Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about positive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean optimistic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make positive pranks.

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's h**... Positive?

Try to act surprised

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is h**... positive

Trying to act surprised.

One in every 2 and a half men is h**... positive.

Boss p**...

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. m**... 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

My girlfriend and I planned to commit s**... together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

Double Positives.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting be positive , but it's hard without him.

My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"

What's the most positive thing about Africa?

h**....

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being h**... positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

"Say something positive about gay men"

"Not only do they leave more girls for us, they take another dude with them"

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.

A linguistics professor says

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Got accosted by a bunch of guys proclaiming the end is nigh…

First one was positive for covid, the second one had laryngitis, next one a s**...'s cough and the last one had a sore t**...…
I think they were the Four hoarse men of the apocalypse.

An atom walks into a bar…

Bartender: What are you doing here?
Atom: I'm celebrating the loss of an electron.
Bartender: I'm keeping my ion you.
Atom: Don't worry, I'll keep things positive.

My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to be positive, but it's hard without her.

I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

What's the hardest part about an ex saying they're h**... positive?

Trying to act surprised

A professor said that

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."

A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local bloodbank.

When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.
The priest thinks and says I believe I am a type A positive
The minister says I'm quite certain I'm a type B negative
The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says I think I'm a type O

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

Trump got COVID...

Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.

I got called pretty today...

well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

Two ions are walking down the street...

the first one says I'm missing an electron. The second one asks "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive"

I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny.

Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.

What's the worst advice to give someone with h**...?

Stay positive

In 2‌‌019 w‌‌e w‌‌ere staying a‌‌way f‌‌rom nnegative people.

In 2‌‌020 w‌‌e are staying a‌‌way f‌‌rom positive people.

My uncle died yesterday because we didn't know what blood type he was...

He kept saying B positive, but it'll be really hard without him.

Did you hear about the guy who's surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the h**... clinic.

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion

As he died he kept telling us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

One atom says to another atom

"Dude! I lost all my valence electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

About Language...

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

So an atom walks into a bar...

He says, "Hey bartender, I think I lost an electron." The bartender asks him if he's sure, and he says , "Yeah, I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
A photon walks into a bar. He sees his friend on the other side of the room, so he waves.

Either way, the results are not good

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for h**.... We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."

I like 2020

Every day there are more positive people

My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type

I will never forget his last words ...
Be positive

A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...

Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

Someone once told me: In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language does a double positive form a negative.

Yeah, right.

Positive joke, Someone once told me: In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages like Russian

jokes about positive