The Best 91 Positive Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Positive jokes. There are some positive positively jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these positive affirmative puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Positive Jokes and Puns

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

I got fired from my job at Pepsi

I tested positive for Coke

Double Positives.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Positive joke, Double Positives.

Two ions are walking down the street...

the first one says I'm missing an electron. The second one asks "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive"

So an atom walks into a bar...

He says, "Hey bartender, I think I lost an electron." The bartender asks him if he's sure, and he says , "Yeah, I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

A photon walks into a bar. He sees his friend on the other side of the room, so he waves.


Two atoms were hanging out...

...and one says to the other, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!"

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes, I'm positive!"

A linguistics professor is giving a lecture...

She says "Only in few languages, like Russian do two negatives make a positive, but there is not a single language known where two positives make a negative"
A witty student shouts back "yeah right! "

Positive joke, A linguistics professor is giving a lecture...

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."

A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

You can explore positive hiv reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean positive negatively dad jokes. There are also positive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


One in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive.

Two atoms walk into a bar.

The first one turns to the other and says "I think I've lost an electron!"

The second one goes "Are you sure?"

To which the first one replies "I'm positive."

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

I'm positive I lost an electron...

...better keep an ion that.

My bloodtype is really disappointing.

My doctor keeps saying "be positive".

Positive joke, My bloodtype is really disappointing.

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny.

Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.

Someone once told me: In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language does a double positive form a negative.

Yeah, right.


My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Why did the Pepsi executive get fired?

He tested positive for Coke.

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

What's the most positive thing about Africa?

HIV.

Chemistry Joke!

Hydrogen and Carbon are walking down the street when they run into each other.

The Carbon says to Hydrogen, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."

"I'm not feeling very well," says the Hydrogen. "I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the Carbon.

"Yeah, I'm positive." says the Hydrogen.

One positive of Arnold Palmer's passing...

He's six under for the first time in years...

What blood type do happy people have?

B Positive.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students

He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive. For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it. But no double positive in English equals a negative."

A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!"

Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

What's the hardest part about an ex saying they're HIV positive?

Trying to act surprised

Everything in my life is going so great...

even the test results are coming back positive!

Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says B positive .

Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity.

"I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?

What's the worst advice to give someone with HIV?

Stay positive

One atom says to another atom

"Dude! I lost all my valence electrons!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

I got called pretty today...

well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

How to always stay positive in life:

| life |

I wish I had HIV

So I would at least have one positive thing in my life

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

I was pretty sure my girlfriend didn't have AIDS...

but now I'm positive.

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type in time give him a transfusion

As he died he kept telling us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

I heard that, while a double negative makes a positive, a double positive doesn't make a negative...

Yeah right.

To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

My uncle died yesterday because we didn't know what blood type he was...

He kept saying B positive, but it'll be really hard without him.

"Say something positive about gay men"

"Not only do they leave more girls for us, they take another dude with them"

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she's HIV Positive?

Try to act surprised

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won't get you a job

My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion..

As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/

Did you hear about the guy who's surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

Two atoms are in a bar. One says, "I think I lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?" to which the other replies, "I'm positive."

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.

Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.

My friend died because we couldn't remember his blood type.

My friend died because we couldn't remember his blood type.

His last words were "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.

In 2β€Œβ€Œ019 wβ€Œβ€Œe wβ€Œβ€Œere staying aβ€Œβ€Œway fβ€Œβ€Œrom nnegative people.

In 2β€Œβ€Œ020 wβ€Œβ€Œe are staying aβ€Œβ€Œway fβ€Œβ€Œrom positive people.

A linguistics professor says

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

My grandpa died because we did not know his blood type

I will never forget his last words ...

Be positive

2019: Stay away from negative People

2020: Stay away from positive people

I like 2020

Every day there are more positive people

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus.

I didn't realise they were that close!

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19

She tested alternative-negative

Trump got COVID...

Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

I got kicked out of the hospital

because I told the Covid patients to stay positive

I was kicked out of the COVID ward...

because I told them to stay positive.

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

The CEO of Pepsi was just fired

He tested positive for Coke

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha'Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.

So my dad died last year

We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.

Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better place.

Getting Alzheimer's is like being famous because you won't recognize anybody, but everybody will recognize you...

Plus, if there's just one positive from getting Alzheimer's... It's laughing at the brand new jokes in this subreddit all day, everyday!

What is the best and worst thing you can tell your doctor during a check up?

Be positive.

Two rights make a wrong

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

In English , he explained, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However, the professor continued, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room interrupted and said yeah, right.

Blood type

My father died while the paramedics were trying to figure out his blood type he kept saying Be Positive but it's just so hard.

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive

Paralampics

Three wheelchair users in the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the positive pessimist jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working positive neg piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes