Positions Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

My wife's doctor prescribed her a new pill

It's great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she'd never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn't woken up once.

Sex positions

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, I think rodeo would have to my favorite . The other one says, I've never heard of that one, what is it? So the first guy says, You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds .

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

A woman goes in for a gynecologist visit...

and she quickly changes into her a gown and positions herself in the stirrups. The doctor comes in and begins his examination. He undrapes her and is immediately caught off guard.

 

"Oh my! What a large vagina!... Oh my! What a large vagina!"

 

The woman is offended and says, "doctor, I'm aware of what my vagina looks like, you don't need to say it twice."

 

"I didn't."

Sex positions for tiny dicks

Fuck, this isn't google. **How do I get this off of here?**

What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?

Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

An employee and her boss are having sex.

Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?

My dad explained the working world to me this way :

Imagine everyone are birds on hanging wires. The birds on different levels of overhead hanging electrical wires are a representation of positions of power in a company.

Birds on the highest level are your CEOs. Likewise, as the levels decrease, so do the positions. The lower levels contain the managers, and below them the executives, juniors, etc. And of course, birds being birds, they all shit on each other.

Conclusion : When the top birds look downwards, all they see is shit. When bottom level guys look up, all they see are assholes.

The Rodeo...

So two cowboys are talking about sex and the various positions when one of them mentions "the Rodeo."

So the second cowboy says to him, "I didn't know the Rodeo was a sex position. How do you do that one?"

The first cowboy explains. "So what you do is you penetrate your girl from behind. Then you reach around and grab her boobs, lean over, and whisper in her ear, 'These are almost as big as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"

"I don't know. I never found her head."

So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.

Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.

A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.

Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."

He replies, "Anything?"

"Yes, anything." she answers.

So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"

My girlfriend and I have our childhood teddy bears that we put into sexual positions. I told her we should try to do things that we make them do.

Today, she came back from the toy store with a bunch of black bears...

Quantum physicists have the best sex.

They know all the super positions.

[NSFW] Two brothers in a bunk-bed

There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.

The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster

As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"

After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"

The Rodeo Position NSFW

Two men were conversing about their favorite sex positions on their way down to the ranch:

One of the men said "The rodeo position is my favorite but my wife never wants to try it again."

"I reckon I've heard of every position before but not of any 'rodeo' position before." the second man replied

"Well here is how it works" the first man started " Ask your wife to take off all her clothes, take off yours, get on her back, cup her breasts, then whisper in her ear 'Oh boy, these sure feel just like your sister's ', then hang on for as long as possible! "

(NSFW) you can easily get hired as a porno actor, with little-to-no experience...

Most positions are entry-level.

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and decides to give him two tests before he hired the mathematician.

The supervisor takes the mathematician to the back of the station and lights the dumpster on fire, saying "What do you do?" The mathematician immediately picks up a hose and puts the fire out.

The supervisor now asks his final question, "Now that the dumpster is not on fire, what do you do?"

The mathematician thinks and says "This problem can be reduced to a problem with a known solution." and lights the dumpster on fire.

(NSFW) A drunk tries to ride a crazy bull...

Two drunk guys in a bar talk about their sex life. They come to their favourite positions and the drunker one says:
'Do you know the 'crazy bull'-position? It's tough man! '
The other one shrugs.
'Well, you take your wife from behind and while you're at it you lean forward and hold her as tight as you can and try not to let go..'
The other one asks what's tough about that.
'The moment you have a tight grip..you whisper in her ear 'your best friend always loved this position too ...my record is 4,5 seconds, a black eye and no sex for 5 weeks. Good luck man!'

He proposed marriage, because she promised she will make him try different positions

Now he is a husband, a driver, a cook, a gardener and a plumber.

Miranda had scraped knees...

..."Why have you got those marks on your knees?" her friend asked.

"Oh! It's from making love. Doggy style."

"Well, why don't you change positions then?"

"I'm willing, but the dog isn't."

Sailor and sex ed class

The sex ed instructor asked the class, "How many sexual positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, just one. You know: man on top, woman on bottom." The old sailor in back started shouting, "Forty, forty, forty!"

How are welders like prostitutes?

You usually find them in awkward positions screaming for more rod and more money.

A man at the bar was telling his friends about a girl tied to the train tracks...

She screamed for help. The man waited a bit, then he quickly untied her. He then told his friends about the hot sex both of them right after he untied her. He was describing all the positions they did it in. Then one of his friends asked:
- Did she give you head
To that he man replied:
No, I couldn't find it .

I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said.

"Good because I much prefer being Christina."

Never found it...

There was a man, and he was telling his friend about how he saved a girls life, earlier that same day.
'Dude, there was this girl, who was tied up on the train tracks and I saved her, then we had sex. All the positions , everything!' Said the man.
Nice man! Did she give you a blowjob?' Said his friend.
'Oh no,' said the man, 'I never found her head.'

I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn't get off on the right foot.

A lady goes to a gynecologist for a routine exam

She gets into the gown and positions herself into the stirrups. When the doctor comes in, he tells her that the exam may be painful and asked if she would like to be numbed. Afraid of the pain, she replies, please. The doctor says okay, this will just take a minute . The doctor puts on his gloves, lifts up her gown, begins to put his head between her legs and goes numb numb numb numb...

(My piss poor attempt at political humor): What do you call a bunch of British politicians about to have a meal before resigning from their positions?

A full English Brexit

The realistic magician

A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my head with this sledgehammer." The magician kneels carefully, positions his head on the block, and says, "Abra-cadabra!" And the guy from the audience winds up and smacks him on the side of the head with the hammer. The magician crumples to the stage, unconscious, and goes into a deep coma.

Ten years later, he wakes up in the hospital, looks at the nurse, and says, "TA - DAA!!!"

I went to bed with a 9 and woke up with a 6....

I wasn't drunk. She just changed positions.

I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

the wife wanted to give a special birthday present to his husband...

... who happened to be a big Brigitte Bardot fan. As you might know, Brigitte Bardot is universally known as BB, so the woman carefully paints a big B in each of her buttocks, and just before the expected arrival of the husband, she positions herself in all fours, her generous ass directly pointing at the door. A key sound, and the husband enters the house. A short silence follows, then he asks:

-Bob? Who is Bob?

Sixty Nine

Jack is about to have sex with Jill but both of them are a bit inexperienced. Jill had gone on the internet earlier and looked up some new positions for them to try. She suggests to Jack that they should try 69
Jack tells her that he has no idea about this position so Jill explains to him that she will climb on top of him with her pussy near his mouth while she will take his dick in her mouth
Jack follows her instructions and just as they get in position, Jill lets out an almighty fart right in his face. Jack tries to get up but Jill tells him to hang tight because its just about to get a lot better.
Jack stops himself and decides to wait a little longer seconds later Jill lets out another fart.
This time Jack throws her off and starts dressing himself. Jill tries to stop him" Wait its not over"
Jack replies" I know but I cant take 67 more farts no matter how hard I try"

sex positions for grammar nazis

There was once a book written in ancient India about sexual positions using punctuation marks.



It was called the comma sutra.

I don't know why millenials always complain about the job market after college

In the 15 years since I graduates I've held 5 entry level positions with every promotion.

It's best to hire people with anger issues into high positions

Most of them have already had management training

** Two mathmeticians deciding about sex positions **

"Wanna be numerator or denominator?"

Dallas Police is hiring

As of Friday morning they have 5 positions to fill

Dirty Wife!!

A wife says to her husband, "I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

The husband gazingly looks into the eyes of his wife... Kisses her sensually and positions himself behind her....

He then whispers into her ear, "Kitchen, bathroom, living room"

How will Trump select his cabinet?

The Apprentice: the White House

Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.

[NSFW] Two Brothers in a Bunk-Bed

There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.

The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster

As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"

After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"

What are the funniest positions jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Positions? Well, here are the best Positions puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Positions pick up lines to share with friends.

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