Position Jokes
118 position jokes and hilarious position puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about position that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article dives into the lighter side of sports positions! It's time to bring out your sense of humor because we'll be covering rugby, football, netball, and baseball positions and their related jokes. Read on to discover some of your favorite positions and their funniest counterparts. So, whether you're looking for a vacancy at the 88th position or a unique location, this article has it all!
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Funniest Position Short Jokes
Short position jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The position humour may include short pose jokes also.
- Trump tests positive for COVID-19. He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
- My crush told me that I'm pretty. Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.
- With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least charlie sheen is staying positive.
- I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
- Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
- First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific? Me: Simba
- Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it. - Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19 when all he had to do was to not get tested.
>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<
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Position One Liners
Which position one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with position? I can suggest the ones about location and direction.
- What is the most dangerous position in chess? C4
- What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension.
- Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
- Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says B positive .
- I'm positive I lost an electron... ...better keep an ion that.
- 2019: Stay away from negative People 2020: Stay away from positive people
- What blood type do happy people have? B Positive.
- I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic. Everybody is so positive.
- How to always stay positive in life: | life |
- I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
- I like 2020 Every day there are more positive people
- My yoga instructor came to the yoga session drunk today He put me in an awkward position
- Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19 She tested alternative-negative
- One positive of Arnold Palmer's passing... He's six under for the first time in years...
- Two positives never make a negative. Yeah, right.
Favorite Position Jokes
Here is a list of funny favorite position jokes and even better favorite position puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend is a contortionist Her favorite position is @9
- What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.
- My wife loves sports... Her favorite position is beside herself, and her favorite sport is jumping to conclusions.
- What's a gay man's favorite football position? Tight end.
- What's an Optimistic Vampire's Favorite Drink? B Positive!
(We were trying to think of jokes that would be on pop sickle sticks in my AP Stats class. I came up with this one. I'm not proud.) - I gotta say, since becoming a college student, I've found that my favorite position is the fetal position
- A girl asked me what my favorite position was. I told her the fetal position
- A woman's favorite position is CEO.
- What's Kurt Cobain's favorite car position? Shotgun.
- What is the favorite position of women? The economic position
Football Position Jokes
Here is a list of funny football position jokes and even better football position puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If jesus played football, what position would he play? Not on the wing he doesn't do well with crosses.
- A girl invited me over so we could test out some "new positions" Best game of football I ever had.
- What football position did the forever alone play? Left Out
- My friend was talking about his football team. I asked him what position he is. "Left bench."
- If you play football and don't maintain your position... it'll get MESSI
- What position would Obama be if he played football? The half-black
Recovery Position Jokes
Here is a list of funny recovery position jokes and even better recovery position puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19 Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
- Old people, fall asleep in the recovery position It will save the paramedics vital minutes.
Rugby Position Jokes
Here is a list of funny rugby position jokes and even better rugby position puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What rugby position does Stevie Wonder play? Blindside flanker.
Happy Position Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about position you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean point jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make position pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favourite s**... position is called "WOW" ...
It's where I flip your mom over
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite s**... position is called "the JFK"...
She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the spanish in position.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into s**... position
Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...
...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun
Walk into a bar
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Based on statistics
The most used s**... position among married couples is d**......
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What s**... position are you not allowed to use in the south?
Reverse c**..., you never turn your back on family.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan says to a Harvard student...
Texan: where are ya from?
Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.
Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, j**...?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard about this new s**... position that I really want to try.
It's called:
With another person.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard h**... are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.
It includes every position.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks up to a p**... and propositions her for s**......
She says to the man: "Sorry, but I'm clothed for the day."
Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in vegas,...
Blackjack Dealer
Because they hit on anything under 17.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
68
A man urges his wife to try a new s**... position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a b**..., and I owe you one"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'
I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry
The job has its prose and Khans
My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]
A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link
I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened
So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government"
Me:"What is he doing now?"
Friend: "Nothing"
Me: "But I thought he got the job!?"
Friend: "Yes he did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was wondering why the book about s**... I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"
Then I realized I was reading the c**... Sutra.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently, there's a new s**... position called, "delivery man"...
You stay in all day and no-one comes...
I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...
"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."
Monica Lewinsky was recently offered a new position at a prestigious boarding school.
Headmaster.
Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital
Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.
Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"
One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.
Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.
Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.
"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.
"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''
How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug
I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.
Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?
"No officer.
Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.
Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"
Literary position.
Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."
When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue
I held that position for some time
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a p**...'s favorite position?
w**...-izontal.
Zing! This has been a productive day at work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"
For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder
I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions
"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.
I said, "It's the spider."
She said, "I don't know it."
"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)
Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?
I'm considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.
The jobs has its prose and Khans.
Happy cake day to me!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...."
A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station
A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.
He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.
The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."
The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."
He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.
He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.
The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"
The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.
What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?
Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!
The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the m**... when she got pregnant!
All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?
m**..., mostly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joanna joined work..
.. and was assigned a workstation next to Michaela.
Michaela smiled at her and asked her, 'Where are you from?'
Joanna furrowed her brows and replied curtly, 'Where I am from, we don't end questions with prepositions.'
Michaela answered coolly, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Where are you from, b**...?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lessons.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
A Winking Salesman!
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
My 12 year old daughter just asked why people find the number 69 so funny.
It's quite the position to be in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the LGBT community's favorite s**... position?
Sixty-*Nouns*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Koala walks into a bar...
So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs
So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of p**... in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does s**... acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A v**... goes to a brothel for his first time.
The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."
He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge f**..., right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.
A few minutes later, she rips another f**..., bigger than the first one.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."
Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.
Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter
A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...
He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."
Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.
He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable position.
He proceeds to the bar where he asks the barkeep for a drink.
Looking at the string suspiciously the barkeep asks,
"Hey... are you a piece of string??"
To which the string replies,
"No, I'm a frayed knot.".
(Shamelessly farming Karma on my cake day)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church
I really hope I get the m**...
A monk decides to become a scribe...
When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.
The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...
"It says 'celebrate'."
A priest notices a little boy down the street
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
man in a hot air balloon
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he's lost. He lowers the balloon, spots a man down below and shouts, "Can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field, which is at 42 degrees N. latitude and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but your information is useless and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager"
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. And the fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it's somehow my fault."
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
Stephen Hawking
If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?
The Chairman
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An employee and her boss are having s**....
Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?
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Why did the church hire a p**...?
Her résumé said "m**..."
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There's a new s**... position called '9'
It's just me..lying there...having no six at all
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My kinda Dr.
a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...
I saw two lesbian quantum physicists in a super position.
It was a double-slit experiment.
A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)
He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.
The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".
The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".
The third guy (our guy) gets taken in and when asked the same question he replies "Hmm, I'll have to go home and think about that for a while".
When he got home, his wife asked how he went and he replied enthusiastically "It went really well, I've been assigned a case already!"
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My friend was visiting from Barcelona, and he asked me if he could c**... on my couch.
I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish imposition!
Kid in park (crying): "I don't know where my mom's gone to!"
Me: "Oh no, that's terrible!"
Wife: :Talk to him."
Me: (kneeling) "Hey, kid, don't end a sentence with a preposition."
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Southern lady sits down next to a Yankee businesswoman on a plane. Trying to be friendly, the Southerner asks, "So, where ya'all from?"
The Yankee sniffs in disdain and replies, "Where I'm from, we don't end our sentences in prepositions!"
The lady, a little shocked by the rudeness says, "Aight, where ya'all from, b**...?"
