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Position Jokes

122 position jokes and hilarious position puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about position that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article dives into the lighter side of sports positions! It's time to bring out your sense of humor because we'll be covering rugby, football, netball, and baseball positions and their related jokes. Read on to discover some of your favorite positions and their funniest counterparts. So, whether you're looking for a vacancy at the 88th position or a unique location, this article has it all!

Funniest Position Short Jokes

Short position jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The position humour may include short pose jokes also.

  1. Trump tests positive for COVID-19. He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
  2. My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
  3. I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83... On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
  4. My crush told me that I'm pretty. Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.
  5. I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive
  6. I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the spanish in position.
  7. With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least charlie sheen is staying positive.
  8. I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
  9. Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
  10. First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific? Me: Simba

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Position One Liners

Which position one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with position? I can suggest the ones about location and direction.

  1. What is the most dangerous position in chess? C4
  2. What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension.
  3. Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.
  4. Whenever I'm sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says B positive .
  5. Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.
  6. I'm positive I lost an electron... ...better keep an ion that.
  7. 2019: Stay away from negative People 2020: Stay away from positive people
  8. What blood type do happy people have? B Positive.
  9. I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic. Everybody is so positive.
  10. How to always stay positive in life: | life |
  11. I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm I'm the CIEIO
  12. I got fired from my job at Pepsi I tested positive for Coke
  13. The CEO of Pepsi was just fired He tested positive for Coke
  14. I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
  15. I was kicked out of the COVID ward... because I told them to stay positive.

Favorite Position Jokes

Here is a list of funny favorite position jokes and even better favorite position puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My favorite position is the 68. You go down on me and I'll owe you one!
  • My girlfriend is a contortionist Her favorite position is @9
  • What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.
  • My wife loves sports... Her favorite position is beside herself, and her favorite sport is jumping to conclusions.
  • What's a gay man's favorite football position? Tight end.
  • What's an Optimistic Vampire's Favorite Drink? B Positive!
    (We were trying to think of jokes that would be on pop sickle sticks in my AP Stats class. I came up with this one. I'm not proud.)
  • I gotta say, since becoming a college student, I've found that my favorite position is the fetal position
  • Whats Rick Grimes' favorite position? Michonne-ary
  • A girl asked me what my favorite position was. I told her the fetal position
  • A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Football Position Jokes

Here is a list of funny football position jokes and even better football position puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is Spain so good at football (soccer)? Because no one expects the Spanish in position!
  • If jesus played football, what position would he play? Not on the wing he doesn't do well with crosses.
  • A girl invited me over so we could test out some "new positions" Best game of football I ever had.
  • What football position did the forever alone play? Left Out
  • My friend was talking about his football team. I asked him what position he is. "Left bench."
  • If you play football and don't maintain your position... it'll get MESSI
  • What football position does a fat gay guy play? A wide receiver.
  • What position would Obama be if he played football? The half-black
  • What's j**... Sandusky's favorite football position? Tight end
  • What football position does Donald Trump want i**... immigrants to play? He'd like them to be Running Backs.
Position joke, What football position does Donald Trump want i**... immigrants to play?

Recovery Position Jokes

Here is a list of funny recovery position jokes and even better recovery position puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19 Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
  • Old people, fall asleep in the recovery position It will save the paramedics vital minutes.

Rugby Position Jokes

Here is a list of funny rugby position jokes and even better rugby position puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What rugby position does Stevie Wonder play? Blindside flanker.
Position joke, What rugby position does Stevie Wonder play?

Happy Position Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about position you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean point jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make position pranks.

My favourite s**... position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your mom over

The s**... position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

My favorite s**... position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

My favourite s**... position is called "WOW"...

Its when I flip your MOM.

What s**... position creates the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

Which s**... position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

My new favorite s**... position is called "wow".

It's where I turn your mom upside down.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*p**...*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into s**... position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

My favorite s**... position is the WOW

That's when I flip your MOM over.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

What s**... position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun

Walk into a bar

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"

Based on statistics

The most used s**... position among married couples is d**......
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."

What s**... position are you not allowed to use in the south?

Reverse c**..., you never turn your back on family.

My favourite s**... position is the JFK

I splatter all over her face and watch her struggle to get out of the car!

A Texan says to a Harvard student...

Texan: where are ya from?
Harvard Student: well, where *i'm* from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.
Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, j**...?

I heard about this new s**... position that I really want to try.

It's called:
With another person.

My favorite s**... position is the JFK.

It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I heard h**... are now offering the "Romney" for $1,000.

It includes every position.

A man walks up to a p**... and propositions her for s**......

She says to the man: "Sorry, but I'm clothed for the day."

Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer
Because they hit on anything under 17.

Which s**... position produces the ugliest kids?

Ask your parents.

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail

But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

An Oxford Graduate walks into a bar

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. Howdy, stranger, one Texan says. Where are you from?
The Oxford graduate answers, I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.
Oh, I'm sorry, replies the Texan. Where are you from, j**...?

What s**... position makes an ugly baby?

Go ask your mom

68

A man urges his wife to try a new s**... position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a b**..., and I owe you one"

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared

A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'

Interviewer: Please explain this 4 year gap in your resume

Me: That was the time I was in Yale
Interviewer: Very impressive, we'd like to offer you the position
Me: Thanks, I really need this yob!

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry

The job has its prose and Khans

My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]

A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.

Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government"

Me:"What is he doing now?"
Friend: "Nothing"
Me: "But I thought he got the job!?"
Friend: "Yes he did."

I was wondering why the book about s**... I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the c**... Sutra.

An Englishman comes to Harvard.

Unable to find out the way to the library, he approaches an undergrad. The subsequent conversation is as follows-
Englishman: Excuse me. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at?
Undergrad: It's Harvard. People don't end sentences with a preposition here.
Englishman: Oh, I see. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at, a**...?

Apparently, there's a new s**... position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...

"Dad, what's a preposition?"

"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

what s**... position produces the ugliest babies?

ask your mother

Monica Lewinsky was recently offered a new position at a prestigious boarding school.

Headmaster.

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.
Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"
One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.
Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.
Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.
"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.
"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

What s**... position gives birth to the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new s**... position called the 68.

I asked if she wanted to try the 68.
Wife: What's a 68?
Well it's when you go down on me, and I'll owe you one.

Why don't quantum physicists have s**...?

When they find the position, they don't have the momentum. When they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?
"No officer.
Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.
Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"

Using what s**... position often causes a couple to have an ugly baby?

I don't know, ask your mom.

What s**... position makes ugly babies?

Ask your parents

Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.
"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"
"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."
"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue

I held that position for some time

What's a p**...'s favorite position?

w**...-izontal.
Zing! This has been a productive day at work.

First day as a pilot

Tower: Can you give me your position?

Me: I'm next to a cloud that looks like a lion?

Tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

What s**... position produces the ugliest baby?

I don't know, ask your parents.

"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.

I said, "It's the spider."
She said, "I don't know it."
"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

I'm considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.
Happy cake day to me!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...."

A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station


A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.
He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.
The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."
The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."
He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.
He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.
The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"
The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.

What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?

Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.

The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49

Position joke, The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

jokes about position