Portion Jokes

46 portion jokes and hilarious portion puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about portion that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the secret to a great meal with this collection of portion jokes! Get ready to feed your appetite for humor with these remarks about small portions and their remains. Delight in the lighter side of eating as these partly humorous takes on food, deliver a filling comedy experience.

Funniest Portion Short Jokes

Short portion jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The portion humour may include short amount jokes also.

  1. So the essay portion of the SATs will be dropped in 2016... I guess we'll just have to call them the Ts.
  2. I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good. Honestly, it's a piece of cake.
  3. What does Harry Potter and Elton John have in common? Both of them have spent a portion of their lives in a closet.
  4. It appears that Jared Fogle has gain 30lbs since going to jail I guess that's what happens when you stop the child portions
  5. A man calls over a waiter during his meal 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!' 'Look on the bright side Sir' replied the waiter 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'
  6. Time zones are crazy On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.
  7. My friend failed the personality test portion of the interview He couldn't get past the RECAPTCHA
  8. A man killed a waitress this morning for bringing him a 16 oz steak instead of the 22 oz he ordered. Police are saying that it was a crime of portion.
  9. I asked my mom if I was a c section baby. She said yes but I wish you had been an A Portion.
  10. In honor of endangered species, portions of the proceeds from each gilded comment will go to Tempura House... ...a home for battered shrimp.

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Portion One Liners

Which portion one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with portion? I can suggest the ones about percentage and parts.

  1. Did you hear they removed the essay portion from the SAT? Now it's just called the T
  2. What U.S. state has the highest portion of Redditors per capita? Virginia
  3. What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion.
  4. Magic Johnson walks into the mirror portion of a fun house... Visual Aids.
  5. Obese people are a very large portion of the population.
  6. A have a knack for eating small portions of food And i call them sknacks.
  7. What do you call a big portion of mash potatoes? HULK MASH!!
  8. What do you call the portion of time a toilet is in use? The duty cycle
  9. Whats a computers favorite portion size? Byte size.
  10. Fine Food! When I serve my friends, fine food, I serve them diminutive portions.
  11. Have you ever eaten at that Ethiopian restraunt? There portions are like..nothing.
  12. Stay away from that new Ethiopian restaurant.... The portions are absolutely tiny.

Small Portion Jokes

Here is a list of funny small portion jokes and even better small portion puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Trump's wall barely touches a small portion of the entire U.S. No wonder everyone thinks he's off on a tangent.
  • Did you hear about the small portion of society that decided they were going to live in mobile underwater homes I think they call themselves a "sub" culture.
  • Two old Jewish guys are sitting in a restaurant... one says: "The food here is terrible!"
    the other says: "I know! And such small portions!"
  • Two old ladies are in a restaurant.
    One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible."
    The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."
  • Two Jewish women are complaining about a restaurant The first one says 'the food was terrible' the other says 'yes it was and such small portions too' (hat tip w**... Allen)
  • Why is it? Why is it that when my wife tells me she's taking me to a t**... bar, there's no dancers, all the waitresses keep their shirts on and all the food is small portions on little plates?
Portion joke, Why is it?

Uproarious Portion Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time

What funny jokes about portion you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quantity jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make portion pranks.

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly s**...'ite.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.
So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my legs".
The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"
"It's for my schnauzer. "
Then don't ride your bike for a few days.

A Mexican is applying for citizenship

and for the final portion, the proctor says "okay, I need you to come up with an English sentence that contains the words 'green, pink and yellow'."
The man smiled and said "When the phone goes 'green green', I pink it up and say 'yellow'!"

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

I wanted to open a place where people could drink and go dancing. A portion of all proceeds would be donated to a nature reserve where threatened species could breed and raise their offspring in peace. But I had to close it down.

I really thought Club Baby Seals was going to be a bigger hit.


The minister was coming over for Sunday dinner so mom told the boys they had to wait until the minister had his portion before they could eat. The younger boy asked 'how much is a portion' and the older boy responded 'I don't know, let's watch the minister to figure it out'. So they watched the minister take his food first then the younger boy said to the older boy 'I know what a portion is'. The older boy said, 'what is it?'. The younger boy responded d**... near all of it!"

A string walks into a bar...

and the bouncer told him,"We don't serve your kind here." So, the string went outside and saw a man. He told the man to tie a knot around his upper portion and undo his lower portion into frays; finished, the String thanks the man and goes back inside. The bouncer said,"haven't I seen you before?" To which the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."

If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O.

If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the v**... closest to the Earth?
The Ralph Nadir

What's the easiest way to eliminate a large portion of your competition?

I just lost the game.

An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...

After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.
One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.
The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?
He thinks about it for a moment before replying.
What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?
A rose?
Oh! Yes!
He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?

Portion joke, An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...