The Best 25 Portion Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Portion jokes. There are some portion meatballs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these portion waiter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Portion Jokes and Puns

So the essay portion of the SATs will be dropped in 2016...

I guess we'll just have to call them the Ts.

English Weather

I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"

The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

Portion joke, A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.

So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my legs".

The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".

The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"

"It's for my schnauzer. "

Then don't ride your bike for a few days.

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

Did you hear they removed the essay portion from the SAT?

Now it's just called the T

Portion joke, Did you hear they removed the essay portion from the SAT?

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

What U.S. state has the highest portion of Redditors per capita?


I wanted to open a place where people could drink and go dancing. A portion of all proceeds would be donated to a nature reserve where threatened species could breed and raise their offspring in peace. But I had to close it down.

I really thought Club Baby Seals was going to be a bigger hit.


The minister was coming over for Sunday dinner so mom told the boys they had to wait until the minister had his portion before they could eat. The younger boy asked 'how much is a portion' and the older boy responded 'I don't know, let's watch the minister to figure it out'. So they watched the minister take his food first then the younger boy said to the older boy 'I know what a portion is'. The older boy said, 'what is it?'. The younger boy responded 'damn near all of it!"

You can explore portion partly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean portion chunk dad jokes. There are also portion puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Time zones are crazy

On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.

What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion?

A portion.

A string walks into a bar...

and the bouncer told him,"We don't serve your kind here." So, the string went outside and saw a man. He told the man to tie a knot around his upper portion and undo his lower portion into frays; finished, the String thanks the man and goes back inside. The bouncer said,"haven't I seen you before?" To which the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot."

My friend failed the personality test portion of the interview

He couldn't get past the RECAPTCHA

A man killed a waitress this morning for bringing him a 16 oz steak instead of the 22 oz he ordered.

Police are saying that it was a crime of portion.

Portion joke, A man killed a waitress this morning for bringing him a 16 oz steak instead of the 22 oz he ordered.

Magic Johnson walks into the mirror portion of a fun house...

Visual Aids.

Obese people are a very large portion of the population.

Trump's wall barely touches a small portion of the entire U.S.

No wonder everyone thinks he's off on a tangent.

I asked my mom if I was a C Section baby.

She said yes but I wish you had been an A Portion.

Did you hear about the small portion of society that decided they were going to live in mobile underwater homes

I think they call themselves a "sub" culture.

What's the easiest way to eliminate a large portion of your competition?

I just lost the game.

What do you call a big portion of mash potatoes?


What do you call the portion of time a toilet is in use?

The duty cycle

If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O.

If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the vomit closest to the Earth?

The Ralph Nadir

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the portion dish jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working portion deo piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes