Port Jokes
97 port jokes and hilarious port puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about port that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
For the lover of dark humor, check out our selection of jokes about the port industry. From puns about cancer port to destroyers sunk in inlet, you'll find plenty of port wine and port vale humor to keep you laughing. Get ready to be powered by port jokes!
Funniest Port Short Jokes
Short port jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The port humour may include short gate jokes also.
- What do apple and Donald Trump have in common? I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
- What do donald trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
- Why did Norway's navy have barcodes on all the ships? So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian...
- It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
- Why do swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides? So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
- Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them? So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!
- So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian... Whoops, wrong sub.
- Why Does the Norway Navy have Bar codes on the side of the ships? So when they come back to the port they can 'Scandinavian'
- My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath... I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.
- A Limerick There once was a man from Port Crown
Who went to a doctor in town.
The doc gave to he
A sup-po-si-to-ry.
"I will not take this sitting down!"
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Port One Liners
Which port one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with port? I can suggest the ones about tour and fort.
- Happy Cinco De- Ported
- Life is just like a USB port 50% chance of being right and always wrong.
- Are you a USB port? Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.
- Why is it religious ships never make it far from port? Because they are holy
- What type of toilets do pirates prefer? Port-a-potties.
I'll sea myself out. - If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?
- What do game companies do with their old successful games? Post Mortem, most port em.
- iPhone 8 should have no charging port. So you can use it only once.
- What do you call a pirated version of Windows? Port Holes
- What's a computers favourite type of wine Port
- What do you call a usb port? A serial killer
- How do you sink a pub? Port-side shots
- A longshoreman is... a port man, too.
- What does a pirate never leave port without? His lucky plunderwear.
- Apple's port names are Thunderbolt and Lightning They're starting to really frighten me.
Port Starboard Jokes
Here is a list of funny port starboard jokes and even better port starboard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard. I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".
Port Wine Jokes
Here is a list of funny port wine jokes and even better port wine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.
Gather Around for Fun Port Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about port you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pond jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make port pranks.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar, and says to the barman 'A port with ice'. The barman says 'Vladivostok'.
Portions
The minister was coming over for Sunday dinner so mom told the boys they had to wait until the minister had his portion before they could eat. The younger boy asked 'how much is a portion' and the older boy responded 'I don't know, let's watch the minister to figure it out'. So they watched the minister take his food first then the younger boy said to the older boy 'I know what a portion is'. The older boy said, 'what is it?'. The younger boy responded d**... near all of it!"
A Pirates life for me...
A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me l**..., and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do"
Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays"
1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?"
Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"
Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station...
The other's a b**... crustacean!
Why are ships' portholes round?
So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
The Portrait
A bartender notices a man sitting at the bar looking at a photograph while taking a drink from time to time. The bartender then goes away for a bit. He comes back and notices the man is still doing this. The bartender asks "Why have you been staring at the photograph this long." "Well," said the man, "It is my wife and when she starts to look better then it is time to go home."
What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port?
No thanks, it's bad for my grout.
Which ship has never docked in my port?
The Friendship.
:(
how many Portlanders does it take to screw in a lightbulb
23 - it only takes one to actually screw it in, but these 22 sustainability blogs aren't gonna write themselves
"Greetings, my name is Bill Wateryoulookinat"
...says a man to another on the docks, he continues, "I work here at this port, is that your boat?".
"Yes it is." replies the man, "But I must say that is quite a unique name!".
"Thank you," he says, "It has been passed down for many generations, for my father also worked this port, and his father and his father before him. So like every Wateryoulookinat, I am a port man, too"
Where in a Portuguese household is the best place to hide your money?
Under a bar of soap.
How many Portuguese does it take to colonize an Empire?
a brazillian
thanks folks, i'll be here all Monday.
A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?
Germany.
Why did the portuguese guy take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks.
I applied for art school
I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.
I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.
Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!
How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter?
A Brazilian
Why are dockhands never featured in Miley Cyrus music videos?
Because they're port workers.
Because I'm such a Portal 2 fan, I created my own levels.
Sadly, none of the "volunteers" have made it out alive and their families are starting to ask questions.
This PS4 Pirate Simulator game is rubbish! Bringing your ship into harbour is a nightmare!
I guess it's just a bad port.
Manatees
A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"
I was in a portable toilet establishment
there was no silverware.
What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?
They both suffered the loss of one very important port.
Apple products
Remove the USB port and nobody bats an eye. Remove the headphone jack and everybody loses their minds!
Why are the portholes on a boat circular?
So the water doesn't hit you square in the face...
Why do Norwegian navy ships have barcodes on the side?
So when they come in to port they can scan da navy in
Getting a portrait painted.
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.
But you are not wearing any of those things, replied the artist.
I know, she said. It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.
Why couldn't the hacker cross the sea ?
The port was closed.
Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.
My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.
The Titanic
So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.
Why do portraits hate the judicial system?
They always get framed
Did you hear the Port of Subs down the street burned down?
They should have been a Firehouse Subs.
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on all their ships?
So when they get back to port they can scan-de-navy-in.
Say it aloud if you don't get it
A Pirate captain comes out as gay to his crew.
The next day he pulls everyone together for a meeting while they're docked at port, during the meeting he introduces a young man to the crew and says "Arr, this be me first mate."
Two sailors were chatting
One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."
The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"
"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"
Why is the porterhouse steak so big?
If it was smaller, it'd be a porterroom
Why did the Norwegian navy place barcodes on their ships?
Because when they came to port they could ScanDaNavyIn
Why a Netherlander pilot can't never land his plane?
The Flying Dutchman can never make port.
A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?
Anything to make a sail.
Why did Anwar choose to contest in the by-election of Port Dickson?
Because it's a port for d**..., son!
What do Portland, Oregon, and the finest restaurants in France have in common?
White whine.
Why are port holes on a ship round?
So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.
Sadly the inventor of the USB port died recently. . .
They are still trying to figure out which way to put his casket into the ground.
Imagine yourself in the 1800s...
You're in a large city with a great port. You're in a nicer part of town, away from the water, in a nice inn. You're having a meal of potatoes. You look down - there's a toe! The toe smells like tar and fish. It stinks. Your neighbor leans over and says, "P.U.! That's not just any toe!! That's a portmanteau!"
I was in the portajohn taking...
..a dump. I look up from my phone and saw graffiti that wrote, the joke is in your hand.
The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.
He must be a sportscaster.
it was during my naval career, I walked into another seedy bar
In another seedy port. I ordered a drink. A p**... sidles up to me and says " Hey sailor, do you want to try something new". I replied, "how, do you have leprosy?"
The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea
"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...
A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells out to the chef "yo beans, make another plate".
Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?
At his f**... they lowered the casket....
Then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.
How do elves wash their hands?
With Santa-tiser.
Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie
Why are portholes/windows in boats round?
So the water doesn't hit the sailors square in the face!
Why are there no Portuguese cruise lines in Africa?
They're not falling for that twice!
Why was the portrait taken to jail?
Because it was framed!
All Swedish battleships have a UPC code printed on the hull.
When the ships return to port, it helps them Scandinavian.
two guys traveling out west
o**... has to take a dump. Complains to other guy, but they can't find a rest area. Finally they see a port a p**... on the side of the road. Guy runs in there but shouts "THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER!!" other guy shouts back "just use a dollar!!"
Guy comes out in a while and has c**... smeared all over his hand. Friend says "WTH happened?" Other guy says "I only had 4 quarters"
Did you know that the Norwegian navy has barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!
Did you hear about the depressed hipster?
They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.
Why does Portobello keep telling good jokes?
He's a fungi
Two Egyptians sailed far out, into the sea
"We've sailed too far from the port! I can't see anything familiar" Says one
"We can't have sailed too far" Says the other
They were in de-Nile
