Following is our collection of Port funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
Whoops, wrong sub.
Germany.
So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
Whoops, wrong sub.
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning.
It's known, of course, as... Sinko De Mayo.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.
She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."
This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man, "Uh, I apologize ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"
"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars," she interrupts him.
Again he is taken aback and considers, "Well... Let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal."
They agree and he goes home. The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes."
Hispanic attacks.
There once was a man from Port Crown
Who went to a doctor in town.
The doc gave to he
A sup-po-si-to-ry.
"I will not take this sitting down!"
A bartender notices a man sitting at the bar looking at a photograph while taking a drink from time to time. The bartender then goes away for a bit. He comes back and notices the man is still doing this. The bartender asks "Why have you been staring at the photograph this long." "Well," said the man, "It is my wife and when she starts to look better then it is time to go home."
So the water doesn't hit you square in the face...
They both suffered the loss of one very important port.
One's a crusty bus station...
The other's a busty crustacean!
A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me loins, and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do"
Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays"
1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?"
Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"
That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.
A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"
Sadly, none of the "volunteers" have made it out alive and their families are starting to ask questions.
Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the blow job but there's no way I'm swallowing Seamen!!"
Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."
I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".
A man walks into a bar, and says to the barman 'A port with ice'. The barman says 'Vladivostok'.
My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.
So as they come back to port, they can scandinavian.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But we all know the tragedy that occurred..
The Mexican people loved mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that they declared a national day of mourning, which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive.
This day, of course, is May 5th, or more commonly known as **Sinko de Mayo**
I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.
I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.
Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!
One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."
The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"
"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"
Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.
50% chance of being right and always wrong.
So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.
Most people don't realize that back in 1912 Hellmanns was produced in England.
The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment that was scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the ill fated ship after its stop in NY. This would have been the largest single shipment of the condiment ever delivered to Mexico at the time.
And the ship sank.
The Mexican people loved the condiment so much, and the loss was so devastating tgat the Mexican people declared a national day of mourning the day the shipment qas suppose d to arrive. This tradition is observed every year of course on May fifth, otherwise known by the locals as Sinko de Mayo.
Cheers!
The minister was coming over for Sunday dinner so mom told the boys they had to wait until the minister had his portion before they could eat. The younger boy asked 'how much is a portion' and the older boy responded 'I don't know, let's watch the minister to figure it out'. So they watched the minister take his food first then the younger boy said to the older boy 'I know what a portion is'. The older boy said, 'what is it?'. The younger boy responded 'damn near all of it!"
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.
But you are not wearing any of those things, replied the artist.
I know, she said. It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.
So you can use it only once.
A Brazilian
They always get framed
So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.
Port Holes
23 - it only takes one to actually screw it in, but these 22 sustainability blogs aren't gonna write themselves
...says a man to another on the docks, he continues, "I work here at this port, is that your boat?".
"Yes it is." replies the man, "But I must say that is quite a unique name!".
"Thank you," he says, "It has been passed down for many generations, for my father also worked this port, and his father and his father before him. So like every Wateryoulookinat, I am a port man, too"
A computer technician was boasting about the size of his hard drive and how much RAM he had. A female colleague said that she had three user friendly ports and some of best port knockers around.
The female technician suggested that perhaps they should combine their equipment and connect his hard drive to her user friendly ports with as much RAM as he had.
She even suggested that he could test out her knockers to find out why they were the best around. After hearing this he had an immediate buffer overflow and his hard drive crashed.
Anything to make a sail.
They should have been a Firehouse Subs.
The next day he pulls everyone together for a meeting while they're docked at port, during the meeting he introduces a young man to the crew and says "Arr, this be me first mate."
He says "Son, I'm dying. So listen closely." He sneezes on the boy's face. "I have a skin rash, dry cough, pink eye, diarrhea, headache, koplik's spots, sensitivity to light, sore throat, and/or swollen lymph nodes." Then he coughs on the boy's mouth. "So I want you to make sure that your brother gets m'brushes." As he says this he spits in the boy's eye. "Make sure your sister gets m'paintings." He convulses, spilling his bed pan over the boy's chest, before speaking his last words, "I want you to get m'easels."
The Flying Dutchman can never make port.
He must be a sportscaster.
A cow in panty hose.
What has four legs, a tale and smells?
A cow with the runs
What has four legs, a tail and walks?
A cow batting 400
What has four legs, a tail and flies?
A dirty cow
What has four legs, a tailand charges?
A cow with a USB port
What has four legs, a tail and leaves?
A dining cow
What has four legs, a tailand berries
A cow with a shovel (spoken joke only)
What has four legs, a tail, and drives?
A cowputer
What has four legs, a tail and feels
Emooooos
Port
A serial killer
I guess it's just a bad port.
In another seedy port. I ordered a drink. A prostitute sidles up to me and says " Hey sailor, do you want to try something new". I replied, "how, do you have leprosy?"
No thanks, it's bad for my grout.
So when they come in to port they can scan da navy in
a brazillian
thanks folks, i'll be here all Monday.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.