Port Jokes

Following is our collection of Port funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Port jokes

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?


Why are ships' portholes round?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

Why was Portugal the best colonial power?

Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?

So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

TIL that all Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them.

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

Most people don't know that back in 1912...

Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning.

It's known, of course, as... Sinko De Mayo.

Mexico and the TITANIC

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.

She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man, "Uh, I apologize ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"

"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars," she interrupts him.

Again he is taken aback and considers, "Well... Let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal."

They agree and he goes home. The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes."

Why did the Portuguese guy take Xanax?

Hispanic attacks.

A Limerick

There once was a man from Port Crown

Who went to a doctor in town.

The doc gave to he

A sup-po-si-to-ry.

"I will not take this sitting down!"

The Portrait

A bartender notices a man sitting at the bar looking at a photograph while taking a drink from time to time. The bartender then goes away for a bit. He comes back and notices the man is still doing this. The bartender asks "Why have you been staring at the photograph this long." "Well," said the man, "It is my wife and when she starts to look better then it is time to go home."

Why are the portholes on a boat circular?

So the water doesn't hit you square in the face...

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station...

The other's a busty crustacean!

A Pirates life for me...

A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me loins, and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do"

Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays"

1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?"

Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.


A Spanish sailor and a French sailor are talking at a port bar together. The French sailor tells the Spanish sailor that he's been hearing stories of mermaids from the English sailors. The Spanish sailor says that mermaids are just a myth and the English just mistook manatees for mermaids. The French sailor asks how could you mistake a manatee for a mermaid? The Spanish sailor responds "Have you seen English women?"

Because I'm such a Portal 2 fan, I created my own levels.

Sadly, none of the "volunteers" have made it out alive and their families are starting to ask questions.

2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the blow job but there's no way I'm swallowing Seamen!!"

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."

Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:

"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"

The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"

Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."

A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, and says to the barman 'A port with ice'. The barman says 'Vladivostok'.

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.

Why is Denmark putting giant bar codes on all of their ships?

So as they come back to port, they can scandinavian.

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But we all know the tragedy that occurred..

The Mexican people loved mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that they declared a national day of mourning, which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive.

This day, of course, is May 5th, or more commonly known as **Sinko de Mayo**

I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.

I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.

Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."

The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"

"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

Are you a USB port?

Because it takes me at least three tries to get it in.

Life is just like a USB port

50% chance of being right and always wrong.

Why do Denmark, Norway, and Sweden put bar codes on the sides of their military ships?

So when they come in to port, they can just Scandinavian.

A fun bit of history

Most people don't realize that back in 1912 Hellmanns was produced in England.

The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment that was scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the ill fated ship after its stop in NY. This would have been the largest single shipment of the condiment ever delivered to Mexico at the time.

And the ship sank.

The Mexican people loved the condiment so much, and the loss was so devastating tgat the Mexican people declared a national day of mourning the day the shipment qas suppose d to arrive. This tradition is observed every year of course on May fifth, otherwise known by the locals as Sinko de Mayo.



The minister was coming over for Sunday dinner so mom told the boys they had to wait until the minister had his portion before they could eat. The younger boy asked 'how much is a portion' and the older boy responded 'I don't know, let's watch the minister to figure it out'. So they watched the minister take his food first then the younger boy said to the older boy 'I know what a portion is'. The older boy said, 'what is it?'. The younger boy responded 'damn near all of it!"

Getting a portrait painted.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.
But you are not wearing any of those things, replied the artist.
I know, she said. It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

iPhone 8 should have no charging port.

So you can use it only once.

How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter?

A Brazilian

Why do portraits hate the judicial system?

They always get framed

The Titanic

So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.

What do you call a pirated version of Windows?

Port Holes

how many Portlanders does it take to screw in a lightbulb

23 - it only takes one to actually screw it in, but these 22 sustainability blogs aren't gonna write themselves

"Greetings, my name is Bill Wateryoulookinat"

...says a man to another on the docks, he continues, "I work here at this port, is that your boat?".
"Yes it is." replies the man, "But I must say that is quite a unique name!".
"Thank you," he says, "It has been passed down for many generations, for my father also worked this port, and his father and his father before him. So like every Wateryoulookinat, I am a port man, too"

(NSFW) Computer tech humor

A computer technician was boasting about the size of his hard drive and how much RAM he had. A female colleague said that she had three user friendly ports and some of best port knockers around.

The female technician suggested that perhaps they should combine their equipment and connect his hard drive to her user friendly ports with as much RAM as he had.

She even suggested that he could test out her knockers to find out why they were the best around. After hearing this he had an immediate buffer overflow and his hard drive crashed.

A down on his luck shipwright is spending his day at the port when he sees a ship, with a damaged mast. What does he tell the captain?

Anything to make a sail.

Did you hear the Port of Subs down the street burned down?

They should have been a Firehouse Subs.

A Pirate captain comes out as gay to his crew.

The next day he pulls everyone together for a meeting while they're docked at port, during the meeting he introduces a young man to the crew and says "Arr, this be me first mate."

A portrait painter is on his death bed when he asks his son to come close..

He says "Son, I'm dying. So listen closely." He sneezes on the boy's face. "I have a skin rash, dry cough, pink eye, diarrhea, headache, koplik's spots, sensitivity to light, sore throat, and/or swollen lymph nodes." Then he coughs on the boy's mouth. "So I want you to make sure that your brother gets m'brushes." As he says this he spits in the boy's eye. "Make sure your sister gets m'paintings." He convulses, spilling his bed pan over the boy's chest, before speaking his last words, "I want you to get m'easels."

Why a Netherlander pilot can't never land his plane?

The Flying Dutchman can never make port.

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

What has four legs, a tail and runs?

A cow in panty hose.

What has four legs, a tale and smells?

A cow with the runs

What has four legs, a tail and walks?

A cow batting 400

What has four legs, a tail and flies?

A dirty cow

What has four legs, a tailand charges?

A cow with a USB port

What has four legs, a tail and leaves?

A dining cow

What has four legs, a tailand berries

A cow with a shovel (spoken joke only)

What has four legs, a tail, and drives?

A cowputer

What has four legs, a tail and feels


What's a computers favourite type of wine


What do you call a usb port?

A serial killer

This PS4 Pirate Simulator game is rubbish! Bringing your ship into harbour is a nightmare!

I guess it's just a bad port.

it was during my naval career, I walked into another seedy bar

In another seedy port. I ordered a drink. A prostitute sidles up to me and says " Hey sailor, do you want to try something new". I replied, "how, do you have leprosy?"

What did one tile say when the other tile offered it a glass of port?

No thanks, it's bad for my grout.

Why do Norwegian navy ships have barcodes on the side?

So when they come in to port they can scan da navy in

How many Portuguese does it take to colonize an Empire?

a brazillian

thanks folks, i'll be here all Monday.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes