pork Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pork puns

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

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My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

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Priest and Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."

Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."

And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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WARNING: There's an email going round...

...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.

If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.

It's spam!

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My daughter saw me eating prosciutto

True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."

I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"

"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."

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I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69

She made me crunchy sweet and sour pork with double rice

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I was a fat kid who didn't eat vegetables

My mom told me, "if you eat too much pork, you'll become a pork". She can be such a dick

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My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

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There's an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don't open it. It's spam.

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I know Muslims can't eat pork.

Islam ok though?

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An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"

So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.

The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".

The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"

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A man was getting his physical...

when he then brings up a problem:

Man:Doc, you got to help me. When I wake up, I have a quickie with my wife, then carpool to work with my neighbor's wife who gives me road head, then at work, I pork my secretary for a few hours, then go to lunch at the strip club, where I have a three-way in private, then I go back to work where I fuck the intern until I go home, while I get more road head from the carpool. Then I have sex with my wife after dinner until we pass out.

Doctor(male):What could possibly be wrong with your lifestyle? You're living every man's dream!

Man: IT HURTS WHEN I MASTURBATE!!!!!

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What is green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

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Priest and Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,

"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

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Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

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China has announced a tariff on pork imports from the US

It's unclear if they are referring to food or tourists at this time.

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Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...

They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.

Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

The Italian shrugs and eats the sausage, then pulls out a bottle of wine, offering some.

Rabbi looks at the bottle and says, "It's not kosher, I can't drink it. God's law."

Italian says, "Wow your god is strict. What if there was nothing kosher around to eat or drink?"

Rabbi replies, "Well, he makes exceptions in situations of life and death."

With that, the Italian points a gun at the rabbi and says, "Drink the wine or I'll blow your head off!!"

Rabbi grabs the bottle, and with a very annoyed look on his face, downs the rest of it.

"Please don't be upset with me. I just wanted you to have some wine", says the Italian.

Rabbi says, "Of course I'm upset! Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?!?"

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Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he's the rabbi, he can't risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he's waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they're saying hello, the Rabbi's pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it's mouth. As it's placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!

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Priest and a Rabbi (made this one up myself)

A priest and a rabbi decide to have dinner, so they go to the grocery store to get some meat. The priest picks up a pork shoulder and says "what about this? It looks pretty good." and the rabbi says "Oh, I can't. My religion forbids me to eat pigs." and the priest goes...
"Wow, your wife must be pissed."

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Last night I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69...

She made me sweet and sour pork with fried rice.

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A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest were at a communal dinner when a dish of roast pork was served.

The priest leaned into the rabbi's ear and whispered, "You planning on eating that buddy?"

The rabbi chuckled and replied, "Not today. But I'm definitely planning to have some at your wedding."

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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a weird religion! Eating bacon is awesome!

The Jew also wanted to make fun of the priest, so he said:

\- This place is very good. You should suggest it to your wife!

\- My wife? Don't you know priest marriage is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a weird religion! Eating women's vaginas is awesome! But well... If you prefer bacon, I respect your opinion!

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Why don't German pessimists eat pork....

They always fear the wurst.

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A Rabbi and Priest are Walking in Park..

In the midst of their conversation, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, have you ever, in a moment of weakness, eaten pork?" and the rabbi says, a little embarrassed, "Well yes, as a matter of fact I have". The rabbi then asks the priest, "Tell me, have you ever, in a moment of weakness, known the touch of a woman?" The priest, a little embarrassed, says "Well yes, I have actually" The rabbi says "It's a hell of a lot better than pork! Right?"

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My son came out to me yesterday. I'm so disappointed.

I love my son, but this is tearing me up inside. I always thought I would be able to handle something like this, but this really is tough. It impacts so much of our relationship and family time. I mean, I had planned this big family dinner Sunday evening. (I smoked an awesome roast pork, I was so excited.) But I had to cancel it because of his choice. And it IS a choice. I don't know what to do at this point. Seriously, how have any of you handled your child going vegan?

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What is Green...and Smells Like Pork?

What is Green...and Smells Like Pork?


Kermit the Frog's Finger!!

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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Pork chop

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WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can...

Do not open it, it's just Spam.

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The suave Englishman at the breakfast table asked his sweetheart "Please pass the sugar, sugar!"

The debonair Frenchman asked his girl "Please pass the honey, honey!"
The American redneck, not to be outdone, yelled "Pass the pork, pig!"

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So i stole this joke from I Love Lucy, So a woman walks into a restaurant

The woman says to the waiter, "Two pork chops, and make them lean." And the waiter says, "Yes, ma'am. Which way?"

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A priest and a rabbi

... were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a
requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the
pledge of my faith."

The rabbi then nodded understandingly and remained silent for several
minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich
doesn't it?"

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Communication Problem!

There was this Asian lady married to an Spanish gentleman and they lived in Spain. The poor lady was not very proficient in Spanish, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks Spanish!!!

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A porkchop walks into a bar

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

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What are the most funny Pork jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pork? Well, here are the best Pork dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pork pick up lines to share with friends.

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