Poorly Timed Jokes

108 poorly timed jokes and hilarious poorly timed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about poorly timed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Best Short Poorly Timed Jokes

Short poorly timed puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The poorly timed humour may include short inappropriately timed jokes also.

  1. I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
  2. When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory. Those were rough times.
    ^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)
  3. Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson: Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
  4. I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts
  5. If I had a dollar for every time I was racially accepting I'd be as poor as a no good, dirty mexican.
  6. Not saying we were poor, but many a time, my mother would send me next door with a button... ...and ask our neighbor if she would sew a shirt on it.
  7. Did you hear about the guy who travelled to Czechoslovakia and wasn't allowed to leave for a long long time? Poor guy. They made a movie about him: 12 Years A Slav.
  8. When I was a kid we were so poor! We were so poor that in the winter time we had to gather around our sickest sibling just to stay warm.
  9. The time traveler made a poor taste gag about the atrocities of World War 3..... Everyone agreed, it was too soon.
  10. My friend told me to save my money for the orphanage every time i want to buy a cigarette... So i saved 300$ to buy cigarettes for these poor kids.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about poorly timed can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of poorly timed puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Poorly Timed One Liners

Which poorly timed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with poorly timed? I can suggest the ones about ill timed and poorly.

  1. I have very poor memory That's the last time I buy computer parts from that store
  2. Why did the baby have such a poor time in the marathon? He was running a little behind
  3. Yo mama so poor she bragged about the time she almost ate at a restaraunt.
  4. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
  5. What time do wage slaves wake up for work? Poor thirty
  6. If I had a penny for every time someone said I had poor concentration Can penguins fly?
  7. If I had a quarter every time someone called me poor. . I'd not be poor
  8. If I had a dollar every time a girl hit on me... I would still be poor
  9. This is a very confusing time of year for me... I love poor people. But I hate bells
  10. How can you be filthy rich and p**...-poor at same time? Dehydration.

Poorly Timed Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about poorly timed you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean poorly received jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make poorly timed prank.

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out.

So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream.
Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.
He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church.

The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
It took him two weeks to air out the church.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have s**... with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"h**...," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."

Q: What did the farmer say when he is driving down the road on a steep hill and his right front wheel falls off?
A: "You picked a poor time to leave me loose wheel."

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

Three high school jocks are constantly annoyed

by a mentally challenged classmate. Since he has no concept of coolness, he's always talking to them as if they're his friends and laughing heartily at their attempted putdowns.
Finally they decide to really stick it to him. His father has bought him a new BMW, which only increases their ire. One day as he is cheerfully driving home from school, three cars are blocking the road. It's the bullies, eager to teach him a lesson and get him out of their hair for once and for all.
As he stops, they get out of their cars, all holding a baseball bat. One of them draws a circle in chalk on the road away from the BMW. "Get in the circle," he growls to the poor confused fellow, "and don't let me see you step out of it until we're done."
"OK," he chirps, and steps into the circle.
The bullies start swinging away at his car, busting a few windows and badly denting every side of it. "Now," one of them says, turning to him, "you understand what we think of you. Stay away from us, please!"
The victim hasn't fully comprehended the extent of the damage. In fact, as they turn to him, he's collapsing in laughter. He's snorting and nearly falling over.
"And what's so funny about it?" the angriest guy asks.
"Because while you guys were all busy with that, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A young man paired up with an older gentleman at the local golf course...

Over the course of the round the older gentleman and younger gentleman traded stories of past rounds, good shots and poor shots, and overall had a grand old time. While the Old man prepared his drive on the 14th tee box, he witnessed a f**... procession going past the golf course. Very quietly he stopped, hung his head and said a quiet prayer. The Young Man stood astonished at what he witnessed and asked the Old Man "That was the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed, may I ask why you did what you did?"
To which the Old Man responded, "Well we were married for 40 years"

Bill and Ted were at a bar...

Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house."

A pregnant woman got shot by a thief 3 times.

She went to the doctors, and they told her she could have a $45000 operation to get the bullets removed, or the triplets would pee it out when they were older. She was very poor, and decided against the operation.
7 years later, the first kid runs to her and says "Mommy, mommy, a bit of metal came out in my pee-pee last night. " So she says not to worry. Her second kid comes to her a few minutes later and says the same.
When the third kid comes, she says "Was there a bit of metal in your pee-pee last night?"
And the kid says: " No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog. "

Poor ol' Billy Smith

Last night, the barman asked, "How come every time you come in here with your wife, Billy Smith quickly finishes his pint and leaves?"
I replied, "Billy was actually the first person to introduce us."
"So, I usually punch him when I see him."

Need a push

A few months ago, in the middle of the night my doorbell rings. I schlep down the stairs and open the door to find some guy there who was obviously drunk. He says to me "can you give me a push"? Of course, being the people person that I am, I said "Dude, it's 3:00am, and it's raining".
So I slammed the door in his face and went back up the stairs. My wife asked who it was and I told her. She scolded me, saying "don't you remember that time we broke down and someone helped us? You need to get down those stairs and help that poor man."
I opened the front door and didn't see him, so I called out "Hey, are you still here"? I heard him answer "yes". So I called out "do you still need a push"? He answered "yes". I called out "Where are you?"
He said "Over here. On the swing."

Two Parents Want to Adopt a Child...

so they head down to adoption agency. They say to the matron,
"We'd like to adopt a child please."
She responds, "Well, we only have one child left. And he's a head."
"He has no arms or legs. He's really just a head, poor thing."
But the new parents decide they want him anyway. So they take him home, and he has a great childhood. He does well in school, learns to overcome his disability, and his parents support him.
Eventually, he turns 21 and his dad takes him out for his first drink. They head up the hill to the local bar and take a seat.
The dad says, "Two beers please."
The bartender gives them the drinks and the son enjoys his first beer. Then, p**...! Two arms pop out. Two drunks sitting over at a nearby table yell, "Give 'im another one! Give 'im another one!"
So he has another beer and p**...! Two legs pop out. Everyone celebrates, the son is dancing around and having a good time, when the drunks say, "Give 'im another one!"
The son has another beer and p**...! He disappears!
The two drunks look at each other and say, "He should have quit while he was a head."

Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S.

They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation.
When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crystal clear and it is surrounded with lush foliage. And in the center is one specific tree. It is a majestic plant and from it's branches hang the most unexpected of things.
Bacon. Delicious, crispy bacon. Enough to feed a man for days. Without even thinking, one of the men bolts for the oasis, desperate for food and water. As he reaches the half way point, from behind the tree springs forth a man wielding a machine gun. The poor immigrant is gunned down and lays in the sand, dieing. His friend runs to him and says
> Miguel, are you alright? What happened to you?
To which the man responds, looking up at his friend with his dieing breath
> Pedro, it is not a bacon is a hambush.

Ronald Reagan was a funny guy...

Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend. "Poor Mollie," said the first woman, looking down at the body, "she had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she married Johnny, who was even worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died, too. And now Mollie is gone, worked to death taking care of those 12 kids."
"Well, at least they are together at last," replied the second woman.
"You mean together in Heaven?" asked the first woman. "But is Mollie together with Mike or with Johnny?"
"I was referring to her legs."

Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room. "Thank you all so very much for coming", the researcher remarks. "We'll have a number of seminars and activities in which you will all participate this weekend, but to get things started, I'd like to select one of you to come up on stage and answer a few math questions as a bit of an icebreaker".
A voluptuous young blonde woman is selected to come on stage, and so begins the researcher's questions. "What is 30 + 40?", asks the researcher. "Ummmmm....80?", responds the blonde. Upon hearing the answer, the crowd shouts "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".
The researcher, playing along, replies "Alright alright. What is 15 + 15?". The blonde, a bit hesitant now to embarrass herself again, replies, albeit a bit apprehensively "Uhhhhhh...40??". The crowd, eager to support this poor woman, shouts once again "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".
The researcher, now chuckling at the apparent ineptitude of the woman onstage with him, replies "Ok ok ok one last shot. What is 2 + 2?". The woman's demeanor immediately picks up, as she's certain she knows the answer this time. Confidently, she responds "Four!". Immediately, the crowd again shouts "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".

The time Newfoundland went to war with Quebec

One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn't have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout "bang, bang".
Eventually he finished training and his unit was deployed. He still didn't have a gun so when they went up against the Quebeckers he did the only thing he knew, he pretended he had a gun and went "Bang, bang." Amazingly, when he did this the Quebeckers he was aiming at would fall down. So he kept going "Bang, bang" and was very effective as a soldier. He was a good shot.
Then, he looked up and saw a big Quebecker coming down the hill towards him. So he aimed and went "Bang, bang". The guy kept coming. "Bang, bang" - no effect. "Bang, bang" - no effect.
Eventually the Qiuebecker ran right over him and continued down the hill going "Tankity, tankity, tankity".

A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have s**....
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife h**... the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

A gay man goes to church.

So a wealthy gay man living up life in the big city decides it's time for some quiet living. He moves to a small rural community where he hopes to make some friends and enjoy the clean country air. Figuring the best way to meet the neighbors was at the local church, he decides to attend services and get to know his neighbors. The church was a quaint little white building made entirely of wood. He felt out of place in a brand new Armani suit while everyone else was wearing suits that were at least a decade old from the look of them, and most likely handed down. During the service, he was moved by the preachers retelling of the prodigal son returned, and realized that the community he was now living in was more than just rural but poor as well. When the collection plate started to come around, he was amazed that only a few bills and some change were in it by the time it got to him. He silently took out his bill fold which had over a thousand dollars and put it all in the basket. When the basket was returned, up front, the pastor saw the huge bill fold and then cried out, "Will the person who made such a great donation please rise and select three hymns?" The gay man jumped up, pointed at three strapping young men and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."

A guy dies and gets to the pearly gates

where st peter asks him
"son, to let you into heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on earth"
the guy thinks for a minute and replies
"well, this one time i saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring, spat in his face and told him to leave the poor girl alone"
st peter is quite impressed with this and says
"well done my son, and when exactly did this happen?"
the guy replies
"about 5 minutes ago"

Pearly Gates

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of k**... Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the k**... Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

Poor Boudreaux . . .

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.
"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

Battle of the kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a p**... high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high p**... and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

A farmer and his wife

A farmer and his wife are traveling in their one-horse wagon down the road.
The horse falters and causes the wagon to jolt. The farmer says, "That's one."
The horse falters again and the farmer says, "That's two."
The horse falters a third time and the farmer stops the wagon, gets out, and shoots the horse dead.
His wife cries out, "You monster! How could you shoot that poor animal? Have you no compassion?!?!"
The farmer sits back down in the wagon and calmly replies, "That's one."

After the Texan wedding ...

... the newlywed cowboy rides home with his bride. It's a long way back to his ranch, and the horse has to carry both him and his bride, so it stumbles, nearly throwing off the two riders. The cowboy calmly straightens up the reins, waits for the horse to gather and says nothing, except, very calmly:
Further down the way, a small pile of dirt let the horse stumble again, and again without being fazed in any way, the cowboy lets the horse get up without a word, except a calm:
As the sun goes down over the prairie, they are near the ranch. The horse, overlooking a root, stumbles a third time. Calmly, the cowboy says:
He gets off the horse, helps off his bride, takes his gun and shoots the horse. His bride is shocked! "How could you, you monster! This poor beast carried us all the way and you shoot it in cold blood! Had I known this, I'd never have married you!"

Two newlyweds go to buy a donkey...

...when they are looking at the sweet little foal it cuddles up to the husband and butts him quite roughly. The husband was surprised and quite annoyed, he says to the foal, 'That's once.'
Seconds later the donkey bites him, 'Ok, ok that's twice!' the husband exclaims as his anger rises.
He barely has time to gather himself together then the foal turns around and kicks him square in the chest. He get's back to his feet, furious with the creature and yells 'ALRIGHT THAT'S THREE TIMES' He pulls out his revolver and shoots the donkey six times in a blind rage.
His wife screams and cries, 'Are you crazy? The poor animal! How could you do that?'
The husband replies calmly, 'Honey, that's once.'

Lenny is a righteous man who devotes his life to charity work ...

Every week, he prays to god that he should win the lottery. "god, I don't desire much and I do your work on this earth, but I've never enjoyed the material things--a large house, fast car, steak dinners, that deep down I want to enjoy.
Finally one week Lenny breaks down and says during his weekly prayer, "god, I've been your loyal servant for 50 years committing myself to your work--feeding the hungry, clothing the n**..., and providing work to the poor! Please the lottery is at an all time high and I've never won so much as 100 dollars!"
All of a sudden the heavens open and a booming voice echoes, LENNNY... HELP ME OUT... BUY A f**...' TICKET...

A man is charged with a felony...

The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:
"It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don't think I'll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.
Much love,
The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:
"DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It's where I buried the evidence!!!"
Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father's house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man's letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch... But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:
"Looks like we'll be having tomatoes next year after all!"

A vampire walked into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood.
The bartender give the vampire a shot of blood.
Vampire pays, drinks, says thanks and then leaves.
The next time the vampire walks into the bar, orders a shot of blood, same thing happens. Bartender gives the shot of blood, vampire pays drinks and leaves.
Third time the vampire walked into the bar, the bartender gets ready to poor a shot of blood. Vampire says "no thanks I would just like a mug of hot water please".
Bartender says "what would a vampire want with a mug of hot water"
Vampire takes out a dirty t**... and says "it's tea time".

Praying For Nothing?

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:

A man named Nate

So, once upon a time in a poor country there was an earthquake. A rock slid down a hill and crushed a town's well. Now the town could not get fresh water and wasn't going to be able to live long. So they tried to move the rock. They got the biggest tree they could find and tried to pry it up, but it didn't budge. Finally, on the second day with no water a man named Nate went to move the rock. He lifted it up with relative ease and moved it. Then the town had fresh water again.
Morale: Better Nate than Lever.

This one time the Angels up in heaven decided to do a little striptease for the Gods.

Poor Jesus!

After a particularly brutal battle with his fellow Avengers, Thor decides to relax at a local watering hole....

He drinks and drinks, barrels of beer and mead. After some time, he hits it off with a cute local girl and takes her back to Avengers Tower to show her his little Mjolnir.
He wakes in the morning, satisfied, and looks at the girl sleeping next to him. The poor thing is battered, with a busted lip and bruises all over her face and body. He gently shakes her awake and asks, "Are you okay?"
"Oh my god," she says groggily. "Hon, you were great, but a little rough.'
"Well, I *am* Thor!" says the God of Thunder.
***"YOU'RE*** Thor!" exclaims the girl, "I'm tho Thor i can barely thpeak!"

Poor Little Johnny...

Little Johnny is sitting on his porch crying.
His neighbor, Mr. Smith, is concerned, comes over and asks "Johnny, why are ya crying like that?"
Johnny says sobbingly, "Oh Mr. Smith, I just came home from school and found my Dad dead on the floor and I don't know what to do!"
Mr. Smith is shocked and says "Oh no Johnny. How can I help? Let me go get the town priest for you?"
To which Johnny states "God no... I can't think about s**... at a time like this!"

I've seen poor with no food to eat. I've seen rich with no time to eat...

They're both hungry.

A boy writes a letter to Father Christmas...

It is getting close to Christmas time, and a young boy is writing his letter to Santa Claus. Coming from a poor, broken home the boy has only one wish. He writes to Santa and asks for just £50 so he can help his family.
At the Post Office, the staff are touched by the thoughtfulness and selflessness of the young boy. One kind worker decides they should make his dreams come true and organises a collection fund for him. At the end of the day, the workers manage to scrape together £45 and they send it back to the young boy with love from Father Christmas.
A week later, the Post Office receives another letter from the young boy. "Dear Santa, Thank you so so much for the £50, but I thought you should know, those robbing b**... at the Post Office stole £5."

A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas?

Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.

A mother and father named their child, "Odd..."

...and because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his s**... note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."


A mother and father named their child "Odd". And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his s**... note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

A poor boy came by selling candies. I called him and gave him $50 bill for the whole bag. Amazed, he gave me his entire bag. He was very happy, his face said it all.

That day I learned a life lesson: there will always be hope and time to get rid of a fake bill.

Four engineers riding in a car -

it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start

Woke up 4 times to pee last night

And each time only a little came out, my night of sleep was p**...-poor

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

You know it's a cool time to be on Earth when "we gotta feed the poor"

evolves to "we gotta get them off gluten."

A penguin brings his car into the shop

The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out, so the penguin walks to 7-11 and buys an ice cream to kill the time. Since the poor guy's got no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he's done he walks back into the shop, and the mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream"

Three Valve employees walk into a bar

Three Valve employees walk into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender.
The first employee asked for a pint, and the bartender serves him one graciously.
The second employee asks for two pints, and again the bartender gives him what he wants without question.
The third employee asks for three pints, but this time the bartender doesn't give him what he wants, he only gives him two pints.
The poor lad looks at the bartender and asks him why he didn't get his third pint. The bartender looks at him and says, " You obviously don't work for Valve, they don't do anything more than two".

Chess is the only game which reflects on the poor state of male leadership

The poor king can take only one step at a time.

Just as summer starts, my car's engine is starting to sound strange.

Talk about poor timing.

George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"

My midlife crisis started today...

I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too. When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.
When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting to stay the night. So we had the greatest s**... if my life and then she spent the night.
I drove her to work the next morning and when I saw the police outside waiting for me I realized that my career choices had been poor up until now. Maybe being a mortician isn't really for me.

A man was hired to ring a church bell...

...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.
Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time he stumbled back and fell off the church tower, landing on the ground below.
An ambulance quickly arrived on the scene, one of the medics looked at the poor man's face. "Hmm...he looks familiar." said the medic. "How can you say that? His face is unrecognisable!" said the other medic. "I'm sure I recognise him! His face definitely rings a bell!"

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years...

One day, he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"No, no, I don't think so," said the foreman. "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

Poor Half Time Advertisment Choices During World Cup

An advert for Durex condoms during Half Time really brings a new meaning to "Come on England!"

The Golf Cheat

Wife: Why are you hanging around the house so much? You used to be out on the golf course 3 or 4 times a week!
Husband: I don't have anyone to play golf with.
W: Why don't you play with Bob, you always used to?
H: Bob? HA!! Would you play with someone who demands retakes of every poor tee shot, kicks your ball into the rough when he thinks you're not looking, fudges his scorecard, and swears and throws his clubs when it's not going his way??
W: That's dreadful, of course not!!
H: Neither will Bob.

A blonde is out grocery shopping,

but she's having trouble finding the Toasties. So she asks one of the stockers, to which he replies "I'll see" and walks off. After ten minutes passes without the stocker returning, she finds another stocker where she can find the Toasties, to which he replies "I'll see" and then walks off. After ten minutes, she's fuming at the poor service, so she finds another stocker. This time she demands he take her over to where the Toasties are shelved. So he leads her past the baking goods in Aisle A, the condiments in Aisle B, to the Toasties in Aisle C.

If I had a dollar for every time I stopped talking in the middle of a joke...

I'd be pretty poor

Next time you receive poor service from a waiter, try to be patient with them.

They're only there to put food on the table.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these poorly timed jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.