Poor Husband Jokes
38 poor husband jokes and hilarious poor husband puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about poor husband that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Poor Husband Short Jokes
Short poor husband jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The poor husband humour may include short bad husband jokes also.
- Wife: i'd have stayed single if i'd known how poor you were Husband: And it was not for lack of warning, cause i always said "You're all i have"
- Wife: I want to donate my clothes to people who are poor and starving. Husband: Anyone who fits into your clothes is surely not starving.
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Rib-Tickling Poor Husband Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about poor husband you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean divorced husband jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make poor husband pranks.
Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"
A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit.
They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.
The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh I know."
So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle.
She poured it on the rabit and they both got in the car.
Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved.
Then dissapered over it.
The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?"
His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave."
Lady teasing Gorilla at the Zoo...
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.
The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making extremely loud noises. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.
She does and the Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him, says the husband. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.
Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
Now tell HIM you have a headache.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have s**....
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife h**... the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two newlyweds go to buy a donkey...
...when they are looking at the sweet little foal it cuddles up to the husband and butts him quite roughly. The husband was surprised and quite annoyed, he says to the foal, 'That's once.'
Seconds later the donkey bites him, 'Ok, ok that's twice!' the husband exclaims as his anger rises.
He barely has time to gather himself together then the foal turns around and kicks him square in the chest. He get's back to his feet, furious with the creature and yells 'ALRIGHT THAT'S THREE TIMES' He pulls out his revolver and shoots the donkey six times in a blind rage.
His wife screams and cries, 'Are you crazy? The poor animal! How could you do that?'
The husband replies calmly, 'Honey, that's once.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poor Husband Hilarious Joke
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parentsforgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said,"Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
Husbands are always responsible!
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof." he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Can we have s**... today" asks a poor husband, in anticipation!
Wife : No!!My gynecologist told me not to have s**... for 2 weeks.
Husband: Yeah! But your dentist didn't!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Marriage Fairy
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and *p**...!* She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and *p**...!* He was 90
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
Being a good husband
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."
"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."
Your cat died
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you."
HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"
Breaking News
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.
Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!
Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity
Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."
Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."
Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."
Husband: "Darling, anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving."
The Golf Cheat
Wife: Why are you hanging around the house so much? You used to be out on the golf course 3 or 4 times a week!
Husband: I don't have anyone to play golf with.
W: Why don't you play with Bob, you always used to?
H: Bob? HA!! Would you play with someone who demands retakes of every poor tee shot, kicks your ball into the rough when he thinks you're not looking, fudges his scorecard, and swears and throws his clubs when it's not going his way??
W: That's dreadful, of course not!!
H: Neither will Bob.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students
so she took him aside after class one day.
Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?
I'm in love, replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, With whom?
With you! he said.
But, Little Johnny, said the teacher gently, don't you see how silly that is? Sure, I'd like a husband of my own someday, but I don't want a child.
Oh, don't worry, said Little Johnny reassuringly, I'll use a c**...!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.
* Well officer, it's customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man p**... when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could s**... bang between my legs. *
The officer winces a little and says * Ouch! that must have really hurt!?! *
* Well yes now it did, but I got off lightly really, poor p**... got three broken fingers. *
Man walks by the cemetery...
A fellow was strolling by the cemetery one day and glancing over the fence noticed a Gent down on his knees at a gravesite sobbing and pounding his fists on the stone and sobbing....."Why did you have to die?, why, oh why did you have to die?"
The sight of this fellow in such misery really had an effect on him, so he gently walked up to the man in the cemetery, putting his arm around his shoulders, he said, "It pains me so to see a fellow human in such a state of misery, I am so sorry for your loss." "Was it your wife?", he asked.....
"No", the poor soul responded, " It was her first husband."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I need a compliment
*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.
*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.
The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"
Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.
The recently widowed OAP thinks for a second and says: " Mort is dead. Volvo for sale."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke a polish guy told me in work
A poor family living on a small farm. The father gets up in the morning to see his cow dead having been burst open. He cries and sees he can't support his family and hangs himself.
The mother gets up sees the burst cow and her husband and she hangs herself seeing she can't support her son.
The son gets up sees it all and thinks "oh no, how am I going to survive". He comes to a stream where a mermaid tells him she can turn back time if he has s**... with her 10 times. He asks "can I do it 20 times?" She replies yes. He asks "can I do it 30 times?" She replies of course. Then he asks " you sure you won't burst?"
Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.
Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.
Husband: I know all that.
Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?
Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.
A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"
"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."
A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...
when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"
A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.
At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."
The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
"6," the old lady responded.
"Then," the judge said, "you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days."
"Your Honor," spoke her husband, "she also stole a can of peas!"
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, How is everything going?
The cat is dead, he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, Anyways, how's my mom?
She's playing on the roof.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."
Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."
Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."
Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."
