Pool Jokes
162 pool jokes and hilarious pool puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pool that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you love to laugh, check out this hilarious list of pool jokes featuring puns and wordplay with topics including lifesavers, puddles, and gene pools. Whether you're a lifeguard or a swimmer, these jokes are sure to get a chuckle out of even the most serious of masse.
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Funniest Pool Short Jokes
Short pool jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pool humour may include short lobby jokes also.
- How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."
- What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
- Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised. I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...
- The evolution of tide pods In 2017 tids pods cleaned clothes but in 2018 it cleans the gene pool
- "Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool." "But everyone pees in the pool!"
"Yes, but not from the diving board." - So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool. I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".
- I've always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday... But no one ever drowns
- I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.
- A girl knocked on my door today… Asking for a donation for the local swimming pool…. so I gave her a glass of water
- My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side. I picked the top half.
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Pool One Liners
Which pool one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pool? I can suggest the ones about pong and park.
- The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
- What's green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table
- What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your pool? Throw in your laundry.
- What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool? Marco Polio
- Tide announced the new motto for their pods line. Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.
- Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool? Asking for a friend
- I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool.... Until this blue kid got me fired.
- What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board? I fitty da pool!
- Did you know, after all these years the pools on the Titanic are still full.
- Not everything on the Titanic was a failure The pool is still full to this day.
- They don't have blood banks in England ... ... but they do have a liver pool.
- Why did Jesus walk on water? Because there's no running at the pool.
- What is a chicken's favorite game to play in the pool? Marco Pollo
- I come from a long line of alcoholics. My gene pool has a swim up bar.
- I jumped into the pool with my iPhone.... It's syncing now
Swimming Pool Jokes
Here is a list of funny swimming pool jokes and even better swimming pool puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
- Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says "No swimming without supervision."
- The only way to learn... When I was a young kid my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in the deep end of a pool. Swimming to the ladder was easy, but getting out of the sack was the hard part.
- When I go to the pool When I go to the pool, I set my phone to update while it sits in my locker. That way I can sync and swim at the same time.
- I went to the pool with the local orphanage but none of them would get in the water. It's like thier parents never taught them to swim. Or something
- What do you call a swimming pool with 4 men in it? 8 ball pool.
- What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool? I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!
- What do you get when you throw an elephant in the pool? Wet.
What do you get when you throw two elephants in the pool?
Swimming trunks. - How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving It deep ends.
- Donations Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations
for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
Pool Table Jokes
Here is a list of funny pool table jokes and even better pool table puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do elephants wear green shoes? So they can sneak across pool tables.
Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table?
Works, doesn't it? - What is green and it hurts very much if it falls on your head? A pool table.
- What's green and fuzzy What's green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree.
A Pool Table - I like my women like I like my pool tables... Fast, loose, and three feet tall.
- The Daredevil walks into a bar ...And the pool table ,
and the chair,
and the counter. - What's the difference between a pool table and a room full of dead prostitutes? I don't have a pool table in my basement.
- I must be really drunk because I swear I just heard a bar stool ask the pool table if it wanted a fight. My money's on the pool table.
- I had to disassemble my billiards table It became a pool apart
- Why did Ayn Rand lose the pool tournament? She wouldn't play on a regulation size table
Playing Pool Jokes
Here is a list of funny playing pool jokes and even better playing pool puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A sergeant and two men from his unit walk into a bar 'Would you like to play pool?' The sergeant asked the attractive barmaid.
'No thanks darling' she replies. 'I'd rather play with your privates.' - I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick. It was acoustic.
- A boy and girl are playing in a swimming pool... The boy says to the girl... I'm going to duck you!
The girl laughs and says... don't be silly you can't even say it properly - What kind of a cue would Barbie use if she played pool? A barbeque.
- It'd be frustrating if you seriously couldn't find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.
- What's the longest game in the world? Two women playing pool.
- What did Saddam Hussein say every time he played pool? I rack.
- What do Ewoks do when it's too cold to play in the river? Spend the day at the Endor pool.
- What is Siri really good at? Playing pocket pool.
- What games do Spanish children play in the pool? Marco Pollo
Gene Pool Jokes
Here is a list of funny gene pool jokes and even better gene pool puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tide Pods are really great at cleaning... Up the gene pool.
- Why do so many Kiwis move to Australia? To improve the gene pool of both countries
- Some chromosomes wanted to go swimming. - Let's jump into that gene pool!
- There's already a couple in there. You realize what you're about to d...
- ..yeah yeah, I'm Down with it!! - How are a gene pool and a swimming pool similar? Sometimes you have to use bleach to keep it clean.
- The gene pool recently got cleaner, it was a tide add all along.
- What do you call a basin full of denim? A gene pool!
- Recent reports have shown that Tide Pods can be used to clean your bathtub or jacuzzi... Since they're already acting like chlorine on our gene pool
- Tide can clean your clothes And the gene pool
- One thing wrong with the gene pool The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
- Where do you go diving if your diving team is co-ed? Their Gene Pools.
Cheerful Pool Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about pool you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean club jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pool pranks.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...
The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.
-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.
-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".
So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.
-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.
-"I was a p**... in Venice, dear"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex...
My ex was like a rock pool. Shallow, but interesting. And upon closer inspection I found c**....
Lourdes
A wheel-chair bound chap decided to visit the healing waters of Lourdes. It was very crowded but he spotted a gap and went for it at such a pace that he ended up in the pool, wheel-chair and all. When they fished him out he was quite disappointed to find that he was still unable to walk, but found consolation in the fact that his wheel chair had a brand new set of tires.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)
One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A n**... LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool n**....
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a n**... lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person n**... I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.
My Crazy Uncle
My uncle is actually insane. He sits in the corner of the room, fidgeting and blabbering nonsense to himself all the time. My family says it all started went he "went off the deep end" 25 years ago.
Personally, I think it started much earlier…when they forgot to put water in the pool.
So there's this magical mountain...
...where people jump off, and land in a pool of whatever they yell. There are three chicks, a brown-haired girl, and brunette, and a blonde. The brown-haired girl jumps, and yells "CANDY!", and lands in a huge pool of candy. The brunette jumps off and yells "MONEY!", and lands in a pool of money. The blonde jumps and yells "CANNONBALL!".
Horror at the zoo
A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*
Little Jimmy at the Pool
Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...
A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...
He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."
"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"
The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a group of disabled people in a pool?
Vegetable soup.
I apologise to those offended by my terrible joke. Have another;
Whats the hardest part of cooking a vegetable?
Getting the wheelchair into the oven
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Yeti
A local married couple came forward today and said that a Yeti was spying on them while they were having s**... in their swimming pool, watching them intently before running off into the woods.
Now, I've been called lots of things in the past but that's just mean.
Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad!
Son: Is she hot?
Facebook..in real life...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
My cat and my paraplegic stepdad are so similar.
Neither like being tossed in the neighbor's pool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.
What do you call a pool full of details?
The specific ocean.
I challenged a guy to a game of Pool.
"The winner gets to sleep with my girlfriend," I declared.
Boy, did he look smug when he won.
Jokes on him though, I don't have a girlfriend.
A new study of dolphins was recently performed...
The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a black guy that invented the triathlon.....
He ran to the pool and came back with a bike
How does ISIS cool down in the summer time?
In a blow up pool
How do you get three drunk, rowdy Canadians out of a pool?
Ask them to get out of the pool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a dead h**... and a brick?
I don't have a brick floating in my pool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me to My Neighbour
we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain
Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.
FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....
In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......
I've been watching you urinate in the pool..
Lifeguard: I've been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?
The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far
"There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."
A dolphin trespassed and took over my pool...
I guess I could drain it, but that would defeat the porpoise.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone pees in the pool...
But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique
no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the pervert say when he was kicked out of the public pool?
"I was only practicing my breast s**..."
Trouble with the car
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
A guy came to my house yesterday asking for donations for a new swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water.
Swimming pool
I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!
I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the high dive!
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it
The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
"But not while standing on the diving board!"
I was hanging out at the local pool
Then someone told me and I tucked it in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.
Apparently the breast s**... isn't what I thought it was.
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.
The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...
Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms?
So they can use the car pool lane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.
One of the men says: "Last night I had s**... with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best s**... we've had"
One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had s**... with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"
The two other men shook their heads.
"That I was the best she has ever had!"
The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"
The third man says "once!"
The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"
The third man lays back and says:
"Don't stop!"
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
A man gets kicked out of the public swimming pool...
As he's being removed he remonstrates 'but why'? The pool attendant says 'sir, you've been caught urinating in the pool.' The guy says 'sure, doesn't everyone?' To which the attendant replies' not from the side.'
An inspector goes to a mental institution to check if any of the patients had been cured
When he gets there he places an empty pool on the ground. All the patients start squealing with joy, and jumping in the pool, hurting themselves. Only one patient stands to the side and doesn't jump. The inspector goes to ask him why he isn't jumping. The patient says: do you think I'm crazy? I can't swim
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...
trying to organize the p**... section in a swimming pool.
In the Cars movie series, they have a place called Radiator Springs.
Now, radiators are vital components in cars, so I find it's a very weird name decision for a city.
Its like calling a human city "Liver pool".
Underwater Birth
My wife and I decided to have an underwater child birth. The Dr. said birth in a pool would be less traumatic for the baby.
In hindsight, I don't think we would do it again. It seemed very chaotic as everyone was screaming, pushing, and splashing water as they tried to get out of the pool.
What do you get when you add pool noodles to a hot tub?
Spa-ghetti
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle it's b**.... :)
Il let myself out....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walked up to me holding a bucket
Excuse me, I'm collecting for the local swimming pool
Well it'll take you b**... ages to fill it with that
