Ponders Jokes
50 ponders jokes and hilarious ponders puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ponders that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ponders Short Jokes
Short ponders jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ponders humour may include short pondered jokes also.
- I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea. Then it hit me.
- I was at the zoo's aquatic exhibit, staring at the lone dolphin and pondering that I couldn't remember what noise they make. Then it clicked.
- 4 gay guys walk into a bar... They find that there is only one barstool, the ponder for a second, until one says, "why don't we just flip it over?"
(Sorry if its a repost) - What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do? ...Stays up all night pondering the existence of a dog
- How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the F out of way.
*pause to let them ponder*
... there is no F in way... - I won $5 million in the lottery last night. After much pondering over what I should do with the money, I decided that I will donate a quarter of the money to charity. I now have $4,999,999.75.
- I went to Germany, stood outside a famous baroque composer's house, and pondered the meaning of life. That's what you call thinking outside the Bach's.
- A man gazes out his window, pondering the mysteries of life... Because his phone ran out of battery.
- How many i's does "Carl" have? One less than "Rick".
An original joke I pondered while binging TWD on Netflix. - I was standing in the middle of a park... Pondering about why a frisbee was growing larger and larger...
And then, it hit me
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Ponders One Liners
Which ponders one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ponders? I can suggest the ones about pong and pens.
- I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen... ... and then it hit me.
- What question does a pencil ponder on? 2B or not 2B
- Which tree is the most pensive? The ponder-osa pine.
- I was pondering life with the cat wizard... Then he said something that gave me paws.
- Ponder this Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If a Universe, and there were nothing sentient to ponder its existence, was it?
- I've been pondering about changing my name... I'm thinking probably Not Geoff
- Sometimes i ponder In what position was i concieved?
Hilarious Ponders Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about ponders you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean poles jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ponders pranks.
My kids favorite knock knock joke
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting C..**MOO!!**
.
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interrupting Chicken.
*sigh* Interrupting Ch **BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!!**
.
Knock Knock
*sigh* Whose there?
Interrupting Fish.
*ponders* Interrupting F.. *SLAP! SLAP!* OW!!!
Two elderly couples are chatting over tea.
Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening.
The second man then asks him where they ate.
"Hmm," ponders the first man. "You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"
"You must be thinking of a rose," the second man replies.
"Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT!?"
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac?
A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Horse in a bar.
A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.
The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'
The horse ponders this for a moment, snuffles at the bartenders hair, and finally whinnies as he makes his selection.
"A shot and a fifth of whiskey, please."
The bartender raises an eyebrow before figuring it out, and calmly reaches under the bar, pulls out a rifle and shoots the horse, who dies on the spot.
The bartender stows the rifle, much to the awe of the other patrons, and proceeds to take a pull directly from a bottle of whiskey before applauding.
One of the regulars waves the bartender over, confusion evident on his face, and asks the bartender what that was all about, to which the bartender replies,
"Oh, he wanted to be an actor so he could pretend to be human, so they told him to break a leg. Fool horse should have known better."
A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...
When she stumbles upon an s**... magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't s**... him."
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
Do you know who you're talking to?
John starts his first day at a law firm.
In his office, he grabs the phone,
John: Get me some coffee, quick!
Voice: Sorry, you've connected to a wrong line by mistake, do you know who you are speaking to?
John: No?
Voice: I am the Director of this law firm..
John: *Ponders for awhile* Do you know who you're talking to?
Director: No?
John: You don't? Excellent *hangs up*
Two blondes are waiting at a traffic light
One says "It's green."
The other ponders a few seconds, then replies "A frog"
A man dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates...
...St. Peter asks him, "Hast thou done anything that wishes to qualify to enter heaven?"
The man ponders and replies that he can think of one thing.
"One time these group of bikers were harassing this old lady, I told them to stop but they didn't, so I walked up to the biggest most heavily tattooed biker, ripped out his nose ring, threw him off his bike, kicked the bike over and yelled to them 'Leave her alone or you'll answer to me!'"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this all happen?" He asked
The man replies, "Just a few minutes ago."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert...
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."
Birds and the bees.
A little boy asks his father, "dad? I know what my private parts look like but what does a girl's look like?"
The dad, shocked by his sons question, thinks hard about his answer, "son" he says, "imagine a bright pink rose on a dewy morning."
The son ponders this then asks, "well what does it look like after s**...?"
The father chuckles, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
s**... and the gang on Family Fortunes
The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal, she ponders for a second and then a voice in the background goes "Rhino!"
The host says "I know you do s**..., but it's not your go..."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip
They set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A Boy approaches his Dad...
The Boy asks, "Dad, what is s**...?"
The Dad ponders for awhile and figures that now is a good time for his 10 year old boy to finally understand the true facts about where babies come from.
He then elaborates on every single detail, from putting p**... into vaginas, and even shares about his s**... life with the Boy's mother.
The Boy, visually astounded, takes a long pause to absorb all the information.
He then whips out a piece of paper.
"So Dad... Do I circle the M or the F?"
Alcoholic Horse
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?
The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and p**... he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "You come here a lot; are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't think I am."
p**...! The horse disappears.
At this point, a psychology student would begin to snicker because he knows about the Descartes postulate, "I think therefore I am."
I could have told you about that at the beginning of the joke, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
There are a mother and child at a wedding.
The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"
A farmer asks the scarecrow if he likes his job
"Well... this job isn't for everyone..." the scarecrow ponders, "but hey... it's in my jeans"
A baby boy is born without eyelids
A baby boy is born without eyelids. The parents are distraught, asking the doctor what can be done. "There's a procedure, experimental, but successful in all cases," the doctor explains. "The procedure involves using the f**... removed during circumcision, and using it as the eyelids." "Why, that's wonderful!" exclaims the father. "The tissue actually seems to be quite similar" he ponders.
It seems a perfect procedure.. "But doc," asks the mother, "are there any side effects?
Breathing a heavy sigh, the doctor explains, "Why yes. Your son will be a bit c**...-eyed."
So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....
He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson are camping
At three in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson. "Watson, look up. What can you deduce from what you see?"
Watson ponders for a while. "From the starry sky? Astronomically, there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What do you deduce, Holmes?"
"I deduce that you're an idiot, Watson. If we can see the stars, then our tent has been stolen!"
A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.
He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'
'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor
Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then another one till he has three hot dogs and quips, 'You see, people like you will never succeed in any business. I just bought 3 hotdogs for $9'.
'Yeah, but... I just sold 3 hotdogs!'
A man finds a genie
The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."
A man goes to God and asks him a question.
A man found God and decided to ask him a question; he looks up at God and asks, "God, I was wondering what does a million years feel like to you?"
God looks down and smiles at the man and replies; "a million years is only a second to me."
The man ponders Gods answer for a minute then looks up at God again and asks; "well then, what is a million dollars like for you?"
God simply replies" just a penny."
The man then gets an idea and with a smile on his face he straightens up and says, "well God, I was wondering if you could spare a penny."
God says, "Of course I can."
The mans smile grows huge and says "Really!"
God replies, "yep, just give me a second."...
A Father goes to the toy store to buy a doll for his daughter
"It's my daughter's birthday and I want to buy her a barbie."
the toy salesman replies "well, you came to the right place. We have 'barbie goes to the beach' for 30 dollars, 'barbie super party funhouse' for 20 dollars, 'barbie learns to drive' that comes with a toy car and 'divorced barbie' for 100 dollars.
"why is divorced barbie so expensive" the father ponders aloud.
"because she comes with ken's house, car, and kids
A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.
The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.
The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the mountain and comes back down.
The deaf man ponders the situation. He's gonna need an interpreter to help him at the top and so the two of them sets off to the top. At the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws the interpreter off the mountain and comes back down.
An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...
After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.
One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.
The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?
He thinks about it for a moment before replying.
What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?
A rose?
Oh! Yes!
He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?
A duck walks into a bar....
... jumps up on the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender yella "No! This is a bar you dumb duck. "
The duck walks away.
The next day the duck jumps back up on the the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender replies, "No!! Now go away!"
The thrid day the same duck jumps on the bar top, but before he can speak the bartender says, " Before you open your beak, just know this. If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your feet to bar!"
The duck sits and ponders before he speaks and asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies "No, this is a bar. We do not have any nails. "
So the duck asks, "Do you have any grapes?".
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
Magic Beer
A man was walking deep into a forest when all of a sudden a sprite appeared. She said m: no man has seen me in over 100 years. Since you did I will grant you two wishes. What do you desire?
The man ponders and answers I'd like a bottle or beer that never empties .
p**...! He is holding a bottle of beer in his hands. With excitement he starts to drink. After he has made a couple of huge sips he checks the bottle from outside which seems to have not emptied a little bit. He shrugs and continues to drink more, probing the magic bottle.
After a few minutes of drinking the now annoyed sprite asks the man what is your second wish ? He, inebriated by now, answers ..Hicks..aaaaaanother one of this bottle
A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and p**... he disappears.
This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate,
" I think therefore I am."
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A Texas Farmer is visiting a Vermont farm
The Texan asks the Vermont farmer, How big is your farm?
The Vermont farmer points to a big bush and says, well that there is one end, and it goes over to that barn, then back up to that road you can see there, and were sitting right on the fourth corner.
The Texan ponders this for a moment before the Vermont farmer asks, Well how big is your farm?
The texan explains, Well say I get in my car at about 6 am, and leave one end of my farm. If I drive all day, I should reach the other end by about dinner time.
The Vermont farmer looks up and replies, Yeah. I had a car like that once.
The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...
appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, I've got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.
Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, Why blue?
A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...
A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"
She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f**...!"
Doctor!
A worried nurse rushes into the Doctor's office and tells him
"Doctor! There's a man in the waiting room who says he hasn't pooped in 12 years! Do you think he's telling the truth?"
The doctor ponders a moment and says " Send him back and I'll check him out. One thing is for certain, either way he's full of s**...."
An Irishman goes to buy some wellies
The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers have got C&A written on them!"
A horse walks into a bar...
and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.
Hmm… Sherlock ponders, I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6' 1 , was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.
Watson was completely confused by his partner's deduction.
How could you possibly get all that from just a button?
Elementary! Sherlock replied. Because it's mine!
The Age of a Dinosaur
This old natural museum guide, near retirement, is talking to a group of visitors about a T-Rex skeleton.
"This dinosaur is sixty-five million and thirty-three years, ten months and six days."
"How can the age be so precise?" asks a visitor.
"Well", the old man ponders out loud, "when I started this job, I've been told the T-Rex was 65 million years...'
A horse walks into a bar.......
The bartender asks "hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" and promptly disappears.
You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement "I think, therefore I am" and I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but *that would be putting Descartes before the horse*.