Ponders Jokes
47 ponders jokes and hilarious ponders puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ponders that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ponders Short Jokes
Short ponders jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ponders humour may include short pong jokes also.
- I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea. Then it hit me.
- I was at the zoo's aquatic exhibit, staring at the lone dolphin and pondering that I couldn't remember what noise they make. Then it clicked.
- 4 gay guys walk into a bar... They find that there is only one barstool, the ponder for a second, until one says, "why don't we just flip it over?"
(Sorry if its a repost) - I went to Germany, stood outside a famous baroque composer's house, and pondered the meaning of life. That's what you call thinking outside the Bach's.
- A man gazes out his window, pondering the mysteries of life... Because his phone ran out of battery.
- How many i's does "Carl" have? One less than "Rick".
An original joke I pondered while binging TWD on Netflix. - A very young girl asked her mother to define couple.... And her mother responded: "well, like two or three" and then proceeds to ponder why her marriage didn't last
- Two blondes are waiting at a traffic light One says "It's green."
The other ponders a few seconds, then replies "A frog" - I spent some time yesterday pondering whether I was actually a small strainer used to filter out ink-based writing objects. You could say I was a little pen-sieve.
- A son asks Dad, why am I named Ponder? Well, son, we had to give it a lot of careful thought.
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Ponders One Liners
Which ponders one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ponders? I can suggest the ones about pear and overs.
- I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen... ... and then it hit me.
- What question does a pencil ponder on? 2B or not 2B
- Which tree is the most pensive? The ponder-osa pine.
- I was pondering life with the cat wizard... Then he said something that gave me paws.
- Ponder this Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If a Universe, and there were nothing sentient to ponder its existence, was it?
- I've been pondering about changing my name... I'm thinking probably Not Geoff
- Sometimes i ponder In what position was i concieved?
Hilarious Ponders Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about ponders you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean poke jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ponders pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My kids favorite knock knock joke
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting C..**MOO!!**
.
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interrupting Chicken.
*sigh* Interrupting Ch **BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!!**
.
Knock Knock
*sigh* Whose there?
Interrupting Fish.
*ponders* Interrupting F.. *SLAP! SLAP!* OW!!!
Two elderly couples are chatting over tea.
Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening.
The second man then asks him where they ate.
"Hmm," ponders the first man. "You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"
"You must be thinking of a rose," the second man replies.
"Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT!?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip...
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies
Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!
he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...
The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 99.9% confident."
He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?"
The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.
Beer CEOs walk into a bar...
The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest. The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!" The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!" The Miller CEO says, in turn: "I'll have the good ol' taste of a triple-hops brewed Miller!" The CEO of Guinness ponders for a moment and says to the bartender: "Oh, I'll just have a Coke." Bewildered, the other 3 CEOs stare and ask why he didn't order a beer. The Guinness CEO shrugged and said "Well, if you weren't ordering beer, I didn't think I would either".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Genie in a Bottle
A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much.
The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest mansion in the world." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two mansions.
"I wish for a billion dollars." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two billion dollars.
Thinking long and hard about her last wish, the brunette finally comes to a decision. "You see that stick over there?..... Beat me HALF to death with it!"
What does it tell you, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Horse in a bar.
A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.
The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'
The horse ponders this for a moment, snuffles at the bartenders hair, and finally whinnies as he makes his selection.
"A shot and a fifth of whiskey, please."
The bartender raises an eyebrow before figuring it out, and calmly reaches under the bar, pulls out a rifle and shoots the horse, who dies on the spot.
The bartender stows the rifle, much to the awe of the other patrons, and proceeds to take a pull directly from a bottle of whiskey before applauding.
One of the regulars waves the bartender over, confusion evident on his face, and asks the bartender what that was all about, to which the bartender replies,
"Oh, he wanted to be an actor so he could pretend to be human, so they told him to break a leg. Fool horse should have known better."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...
When she stumbles upon an s**... magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't s**... him."
Applying For A Job
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant. The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way. When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?" They hire the accountant.
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
Do you know who you're talking to?
John starts his first day at a law firm.
In his office, he grabs the phone,
John: Get me some coffee, quick!
Voice: Sorry, you've connected to a wrong line by mistake, do you know who you are speaking to?
John: No?
Voice: I am the Director of this law firm..
John: *Ponders for awhile* Do you know who you're talking to?
Director: No?
John: You don't? Excellent *hangs up*
A Sherlock Holmes Joke
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner , they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp
When he rubs it, out pops a female genie. The genie says "I am the feminist genie. While I do have to grant your wishes exactly as you ask, I sense that you are divorced. Therefore, no matter what you wish for will be also given to your ex wife in double the amount."
The man ponders his situation for a moment and says "Build me a 20 room mansion."
"Done!" says the genie "and your ex wife now has a 40 room mansion"
"Put 10 million dollars in my bank account" requests the man.
"As you wish" exclaimed the genie "and at the same time I have given your ex wife 20 million dollars"
"Awesome.", said the man. "Now listen carefully..."
"Yes?" Said the genie leaning in closer. The man smiled and whispered:
"Beat me half to death"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates...
...St. Peter asks him, "Hast thou done anything that wishes to qualify to enter heaven?"
The man ponders and replies that he can think of one thing.
"One time these group of bikers were harassing this old lady, I told them to stop but they didn't, so I walked up to the biggest most heavily tattooed biker, ripped out his nose ring, threw him off his bike, kicked the bike over and yelled to them 'Leave her alone or you'll answer to me!'"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this all happen?" He asked
The man replies, "Just a few minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Birds and the bees.
A little boy asks his father, "dad? I know what my private parts look like but what does a girl's look like?"
The dad, shocked by his sons question, thinks hard about his answer, "son" he says, "imagine a bright pink rose on a dewy morning."
The son ponders this then asks, "well what does it look like after s**...?"
The father chuckles, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... and the gang on Family Fortunes
The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal, she ponders for a second and then a voice in the background goes "Rhino!"
The host says "I know you do s**..., but it's not your go..."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip
They set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Boy approaches his Dad...
The Boy asks, "Dad, what is s**...?"
The Dad ponders for awhile and figures that now is a good time for his 10 year old boy to finally understand the true facts about where babies come from.
He then elaborates on every single detail, from putting p**... into vaginas, and even shares about his s**... life with the Boy's mother.
The Boy, visually astounded, takes a long pause to absorb all the information.
He then whips out a piece of paper.
"So Dad... Do I circle the M or the F?"
A man is going fishing one day...
After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A baby boy is born without eyelids
A baby boy is born without eyelids. The parents are distraught, asking the doctor what can be done. "There's a procedure, experimental, but successful in all cases," the doctor explains. "The procedure involves using the f**... removed during circumcision, and using it as the eyelids." "Why, that's wonderful!" exclaims the father. "The tissue actually seems to be quite similar" he ponders.
It seems a perfect procedure.. "But doc," asks the mother, "are there any side effects?
Breathing a heavy sigh, the doctor explains, "Why yes. Your son will be a bit c**...-eyed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson are camping
At three in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson. "Watson, look up. What can you deduce from what you see?"
Watson ponders for a while. "From the starry sky? Astronomically, there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What do you deduce, Holmes?"
"I deduce that you're an idiot, Watson. If we can see the stars, then our tent has been stolen!"
A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.
He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'
'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor
Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then another one till he has three hot dogs and quips, 'You see, people like you will never succeed in any business. I just bought 3 hotdogs for $9'.
'Yeah, but... I just sold 3 hotdogs!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a genie
The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."
A man goes to God and asks him a question.
A man found God and decided to ask him a question; he looks up at God and asks, "God, I was wondering what does a million years feel like to you?"
God looks down and smiles at the man and replies; "a million years is only a second to me."
The man ponders Gods answer for a minute then looks up at God again and asks; "well then, what is a million dollars like for you?"
God simply replies" just a penny."
The man then gets an idea and with a smile on his face he straightens up and says, "well God, I was wondering if you could spare a penny."
God says, "Of course I can."
The mans smile grows huge and says "Really!"
God replies, "yep, just give me a second."...
A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.
The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.
The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the mountain and comes back down.
The deaf man ponders the situation. He's gonna need an interpreter to help him at the top and so the two of them sets off to the top. At the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws the interpreter off the mountain and comes back down.
An old couple has friends over for dinner one evening...
After a pleasant dinner, the women stay in the dining room to chat whilst the men retire to the living room.
One of the men says to the other,
We went to this wonderful restaurant the other week, you should visit it some time! Wonderful portion sizes and prices.
The other ponders this and replies,
What's it called?
He thinks about it for a moment before replying.
What's the name of that flower - you know, that thorny one? For Valentine's Day?
A rose?
Oh! Yes!
He turns around and yells into the other room, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar....
... jumps up on the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender yella "No! This is a bar you dumb duck. "
The duck walks away.
The next day the duck jumps back up on the the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender replies, "No!! Now go away!"
The thrid day the same duck jumps on the bar top, but before he can speak the bartender says, " Before you open your beak, just know this. If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your feet to bar!"
The duck sits and ponders before he speaks and asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies "No, this is a bar. We do not have any nails. "
So the duck asks, "Do you have any grapes?".
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Magic Beer
A man was walking deep into a forest when all of a sudden a sprite appeared. She said m: no man has seen me in over 100 years. Since you did I will grant you two wishes. What do you desire?
The man ponders and answers I'd like a bottle or beer that never empties .
p**...! He is holding a bottle of beer in his hands. With excitement he starts to drink. After he has made a couple of huge sips he checks the bottle from outside which seems to have not emptied a little bit. He shrugs and continues to drink more, probing the magic bottle.
After a few minutes of drinking the now annoyed sprite asks the man what is your second wish ? He, inebriated by now, answers ..Hicks..aaaaaanother one of this bottle
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
A Texas Farmer is visiting a Vermont farm
The Texan asks the Vermont farmer, How big is your farm?
The Vermont farmer points to a big bush and says, well that there is one end, and it goes over to that barn, then back up to that road you can see there, and were sitting right on the fourth corner.
The Texan ponders this for a moment before the Vermont farmer asks, Well how big is your farm?
The texan explains, Well say I get in my car at about 6 am, and leave one end of my farm. If I drive all day, I should reach the other end by about dinner time.
The Vermont farmer looks up and replies, Yeah. I had a car like that once.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...
A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"
She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor!
A worried nurse rushes into the Doctor's office and tells him
"Doctor! There's a man in the waiting room who says he hasn't pooped in 12 years! Do you think he's telling the truth?"
The doctor ponders a moment and says " Send him back and I'll check him out. One thing is for certain, either way he's full of s**...."
An Irishman goes to buy some wellies
The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers have got C&A written on them!"
A horse walks into a bar...
and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.
Hmm… Sherlock ponders, I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6' 1 , was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.
Watson was completely confused by his partner's deduction.
How could you possibly get all that from just a button?
Elementary! Sherlock replied. Because it's mine!
