Pond Jokes
105 pond jokes and hilarious pond puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pond that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a good laugh? Check out these hilarious pond jokes! From jokes about fish ponds to jokes about pond scum, these jokes will have you laughing all the way downstream! Whether you have a koi pond or a bad pond, these pond-licious jokes will get you in the right spirit!
Funniest Pond Short Jokes
Short pond jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pond humour may include short pong jokes also.
- I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
- Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
- Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week. Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
- My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.
- In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake. You've got koi's A, B, C, and then the D koi
- BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with ethiopian still actively feeding.
- My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond. So now I have to look after the fish.
- Duck in my soup. Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup...
Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on? - If life gives you lemons, politely thank life, then, when life's not looking, throw the lemons into a duck pond.
- Two ducks are sitting in a pond One duck says "quack".
The other duck says "Hey, I was just going to say that!"
Share These Pond Jokes With Friends
Pond One Liners
Which pond one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pond? I can suggest the ones about pane and pear.
- To my favorite pond of water that completely evaporated last night: You will be mist.
- Why did the introvert walk around the pond? Because they didn't want to break the ice
- From my 11 year old cousin: What do you get if you cross a pond with snowshoes? Wet.
- Who do you call the underwater seaspy? James Pond
- How do you get across Walden Pond? Thoreau, Thoreau, Thoreau your boat.
- What do you call a lake that's desperately trying to be modest? A koi pond.
- I saw a bird telling jokes by the pond It was a silly goose
- How deep is a frog pond? Knee deep
Knee deep - A pond would tell you about introspection if it wasn't so busy self-reflecting.
- What happened to Frère Jacques when he fell into the pond? He got alouette.
- Meet my good friend 50 Cent, or as he's known across the pond... 10,000 Pounds
- How do you get a stone into Walden pond? You Thoreau it in.
- What do you call a wet spy? James Pond
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) - What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond?
He had him newt-ered. - The brook had some plain old thing to ask the pond "Water you doing?"
Fish Pond Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish pond jokes and even better fish pond puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment? JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!
- A few pond animals gathered for an amateur swimming race... There was a turtle, two fish, a duck and a frog. Lucky for them, the rodents didn't show up.
Otter wise they would have lost.
Koi Pond Jokes
Here is a list of funny koi pond jokes and even better koi pond puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked Flavor Flav if he liked backyard ponds Yeah Koi!
Delightful Fun Pond Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about pond you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pile jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pond pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I dug my wife's grave today.
Poor gal thinks I was digging a pond.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Three rubber ducks..
Three rubber ducks head down to the nearby pond after dinner. The sun sets and it becomes passed their curfew. Feeling rebellious, the three ducks decide to stay out. An hour passes and a police offer shows up. He charges the three ducks with trespassing; their court hearing is scheduled in two weeks.
At the hearing the judge questions the first duck,
"What were you doing so late at the pond?"
"I was just blowing bubbles," responds the first duck.
The judge thinks to himself it's a sarcastic response but disregards it. He moves on to the second duck, repeating the question.
The second duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles."
Alright, now the judge is ruffled. He gives the group another try and says to the third duck,
"Lemme guess, you were just blowing bubbles too, right?"
The third duck smiles and replies, "No, I am Bubbles."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Watering Hole
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Pete and Jenny were long time patients at the mental institution...
...and they had formed a relationship.
They were walking past the pond, Pete fell in and sank, Jenny, with no thought for her own safety, dived to the bottom of the pool and rescued him, she also gave him the kiss of life.
A few days later Jenny was summomed before the board of the hospital and was told that seeing how she had the sense to dive in to rescue Pete she could not be classed as insane, she was going home the day after.
When the nurse was helping her pack, she gave Jenny the bad news..........After you had rescued Pete, he was foubd in the hospital ward, dead, hanging from a beam !
Jenny replied, "yes, I hung him up to dry,can I go home now ?
Bag limit.
A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back".
...
"What fish?"
Three men playing golf
There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.
All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.
Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"
The Duck Priest
There once was a pond that many ducks called home, and near that pond was a small catholic church. Inside of that church was a duck priest and a small confessional with rarely any visitors
One day, the duck priest was sitting around and a duck walked in and came to the confessional. The duck said to the priest "father, I have sinned." The priest responded, "Ok my son, what is your name and what do you need to confess?" The duck responded "My name is Duck and I blew bubbles in the pond." The priest then responded "Ok Duck, you've been forgiven but you know the rules, there's no blowing bubbles in the pond and you're banned from the pond for the week."
Duck agreed and walked out, feeling better. Later that same day, a second duck walked into the Church and again approached the confessional, saying he had sinned. Again the father asked " What is your name and what do you need to confess?" The second duck responded "My name is Duck Duck and I blew bubbles in the pond." Again, the priest responded that Duck Duck had been forgiven, but was banned from the pond for the week.
Duck Duck left feeling much better. Finally, right before the priest was going to go to bed, a third duck came in and approached the confessional. Because this was a busy day, the priest merely said "Let me guess, your name is Duck Duck Duck and you blew bubbles in the pond?"
The third duck looked down at his feet and muttered "No, I'm Bubbles."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this bloke pulled a vital o**... out of my chest ...
and chucked it into a pond. My heart sank.o**... out of my chest and chucked it into a pond.
My heart sank.
Request: Your best British vs American jokes
Reading jokes it occurs to me how different humour is on the other side of the pond. What's your favourite British vs American jokes?
Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing
and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."
Jesus and Moses and another guy go for a round of golf
So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par.
Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chips it up onto the green for par.
This other guy looks at these two for a moment before stepping up to hit the ball. The ball flies up in the air before again landing in the pond. Amazingly a fish swallows the ball, just as it does this a big bird grabs it out of the pond, the fish drops the ball midair and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one!
Moses then turns to Jesus and goes "i hate playing with your dad"
Three ducks in a pond
There were three ducks in the pond that all got arrested. On their day in court the first duck approaches the bench.
The judge askes: "what were you doing in the public pond?"
Duck 1: "I was only blowing bubbles"
Judge: "Well you can't do that so I will give you 3 days in jail and $50 fine."
Duck 2 approaches the bench...
Judge: "Why did you get arrested in the public pond?"
Duck 2: "I too was blowing bubbles in the pond your honor."
Judge: "Well I'm sorry but your going to get the same 3 days in jail and $50 fine."
The third and last duck approaches the bench and judge asks.. "I suppose you were blowing bubbles in the pond as well?" The duck replies.. "No sir I am Bubbles"
Three men are fishing..
Three men are fishing on a pond and no one's catching anything, so to make things interesting one throws in a rock and says "wow did you just see that fish jump!?"
The second guy replies "Nah, how much do you think it weighed," to which the third man, who saw the rock thrown says "Musta weighed at least a stone!"
This happened, I was the third guy, but neither of my buddies got the joke so now I retell it to get the (much deserved) laughs I was supposed to get two weeks ago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So two guys were walking together down a dirt road…
…when they come to this big green space. The first guy says, "Let's cut through here," and walks on it. The other guy just goes around. The first guy looks back and says, "What are you doing? Why don't you go this way?" The other guy replies, "Nice try, Jesus. I know what pond s**... looks like."
My wife and I decided to go out for the day. We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice creams and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks. Eventually she turned to me and said, "Have you had a nice day?"
I said, "Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I'd just left school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ron, an elderly man in Florida...
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**...."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
My friend recently bought a home near me at a local skimming pond
It's only a stones throw away.
So three ducks go to court...
The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
A man notices a pig with a wooden leg
He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."
"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.
"and another time I fell asleep on the sofa. Dropped my cigarette and set the whole farmhouse on fire. The pig knocked down the front door, crawled through the smoke and pulled me out into the farmyard."
"That's absolutely extraordinary." exclaimed the man.
"And, a couple of months ago I had a heart attack whilst driving the tractor. The pig trotted alongside, jumped up and grabbed the wheel in his snout, steered it safely to a halt, then ran 12 miles to get me a doctor."
"That is truly amazing. Unbelievable." Said the man, "but what's with the wooden leg?"
"Ah", said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."
I was pondering life with the cat wizard...
Then he said something that gave me paws.
Ponder this
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Relaxing location
While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.
How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond?
Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.
I've been pondering about changing my name...
I'm thinking probably Not Geoff
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...
After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.
"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"
Putin smiled knowingly and replied: "They're not allowed to".
Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven.
He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy "Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and exclaims "This is why I never play with your dad. He always cheats."
Famous court cases
A man in a canoe and a man on foot were arguing over the better way to cross the pond.
It was a row vs. wade.
Donald Trump Skating on a Frozen Lake...
Donald Trump is staking on a frozen pond when suddenly the ice breaks and he falls in. Luckily three small boys were on hand to pull him out. ""You boys saved my life" says Donald. "How can I repay you?"
The first boy asks for a toy car and the second boy asks for a toy plane. The third boy however asks for a motorised wheelchair. "Why do you want a wheelchair? You look perfectly healthy" says Donald. "I am" says the boy. "But I'm going to need one after my sister discovers I saved Donald Trump".
What do you call a frog that jumps closer and closer to a pond, but never jumps in?
An asymptoad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's winter in quebec, and a mother cat calls her kittens back inside the den. While taking the short cut across a frozen pond, they hit some thin ice
And un deux t**... quatre cinq
3 ducks were arrested for blowing bubbles at the pond
So the judge asks to see the first duck and he says 'my name is ducky and I was arrested at the pond for blowing bubbles'. The judge asks to see the second duck and he says 'my name is ducky and I was arrested at the pond for blowing bubbles'. The judge then asks to see the third duck and he says 'my name is' and the judge cuts him off and says 'I know I know your name is ducky and were arrested at the pond for blowing bubbles'. The duck says 'no, I'm bubbles'.
Walking along a pond a heard a turtle ribbit
I guess you could say he has a reptile dysfunction
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...
"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
d**... if you do
Grandad: My sister drowned in a pond. Dreadfully sad...
Me: Oh my God, that's terrible!
Grandad: Not really. If she'd floated, we would have had to burn her!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A schoolboy rescues President Trump
A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.
Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.
*(
Remember that time I went to the duck pond?
The duck went *honk*
Two frogs are sitting on top of a rock in the pond.
It starts raining. One frog says to the other "We better dive in before we get wet!"
An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond
As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"
A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...
when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?
The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."
A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...
He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"
The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"
The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
Two frogs are sitting by a pond
First frog says *Croak*, Second says *Croak*.
The first says *Croak*, second responds *Croak*.
First shouts *Croak*, second says *Croak*.
First says *Croak*, second says *Croak Croak*
First says "Don't change the topic, man!"
Stone skipping
Three boys were sent to the headmaster's office.
What have you been up to? the headmaster asked the first one in his sternest voice.
I played 'Stone Skipping' by the pond, he answered.
Stone skipping? I see nothing wrong with that, I did that a lot when I was young too. Just go back to class. The headmaster turned to the second boy. Now, what about you?
I played 'Stone Skipping' too, he answered.
Well, just go back to class, then, said the headmaster, and turned to the third boy. He noticed he was covered with bruises and bleeding from a cut in his forehead. Oh my, what happened to you?!
Well, I'm Christopher, but my friends call me Skipping.
3 ducks are in a courtroom
The judge calls up the first duck and says state your name and what you did and the first duck says my name is Quack and I blew bubbles in the pond the judge says Okay Quack 6 months in jail judge calls up the second duck and says the same thing. Second duck says my name is Quack Quack and I also blew bubbles in the pond Judge says 6 months for you too Third duck walks up and the judge says let me guess your name is Quack Quack Quack? No says the third duck. My name is Bubbles
I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea.
Then it hit me.
Why was the pond embarrassed?
Because you could see it's bottom.
My 8yo came up with this one.
Political Joke
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk (Long)
"Buk", says the chicken,
The librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken then leaves.
Five minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk", says the chicken.
The librarian hands the chicken a book, and the chicken leaves again.
This goes on for seven or eight more times. Finally the librarian decides to take her break and follows the chicken.
The chicken goes behind the library to a pond. In the pond sits a frog on a lily pad.
The chicken throws the book into the pond. "Buk", says the chicken.
"Reddit", says the frog.
It's a chicken in the backyard.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarians desk and says, "Buk", so she gives him a book. A couple minutes later the chicken returns. "Buk", he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk" says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit" replies the frog...
An English farmer was walking through his field
He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.
"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.
The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am not understand well, please speak slow."
The farmer replied slowly and clearly "I said would you like a cup, you can drink faster that way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.
It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.
Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his c**..., while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.
When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"
To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "
Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the Romulan Pond Frog that has an amazing way of evading predators.
In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.
Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."
I found an extra-terrestrial in my garden. He was sat next to the pond, wearing a red pointy hat.
It was E.T. - faux gnome
I was walking by a pond and saw a blue heron.
I asked, you crane? He answered, "I think I'm Russian now."
Chicken at the library
A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. "Buk" says the chicken. So the librarian gives her a book. The chicken leaves with the book and comes back 5 minutes later. "Buk" she says. So the librarian gives her another book. This happens 8 more times, until finally the librarian goes on a break outside the library, around the back where there is a pond. She sees the chicken is standing on the edge of the pond throwing books at a frog on a lilypad.
"Buk buk" says the chicken. "reddit reddit" says the frog.
I'll see myself out.
