Pond Jokes
108 pond jokes and hilarious pond puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pond that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a good laugh? Check out these hilarious pond jokes! From jokes about fish ponds to jokes about pond scum, these jokes will have you laughing all the way downstream! Whether you have a koi pond or a bad pond, these pond-licious jokes will get you in the right spirit!
Funniest Pond Short Jokes
Short pond jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pond humour may include short pong jokes also.
- I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
- Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
- Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week. Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
- My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.
- In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake. You've got koi's A, B, C, and then the D koi
- Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond? Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool
- BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with ethiopian still actively feeding.
- My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond. So now I have to look after the fish.
- I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because ducks keep attacking him That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
- Duck in my soup. Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup...
Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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Pond One Liners
Which pond one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pond? I can suggest the ones about pane and pear.
- I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today. She thinks I'm digging a pond.
- I spent the afternoon by my wife's grave... ...she thinks it's going to be a fish pond
- Spent an hour by my wife's grave God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.
- Why did the hipster drown? He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool
- I spent some time at my Auntie's grave today. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
- I visited my wife's grave today Bless her heart she still thinks I'm digging a pond.
- To my favorite pond of water that completely evaporated last night: You will be mist.
- Just hurt my wrists digging a hole between two koi ponds. I think it's carpal tunnel.
- Why did the introvert walk around the pond? Because they didn't want to break the ice
- From my 11 year old cousin: What do you get if you cross a pond with snowshoes? Wet.
- Who do you call the underwater seaspy? James Pond
- How do you get across Walden Pond? Thoreau, Thoreau, Thoreau your boat.
- What do you call a lake that's desperately trying to be modest? A koi pond.
- I saw a bird telling jokes by the pond It was a silly goose
- Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond.
Fish Pond Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish pond jokes and even better fish pond puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment? JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!
- Spent a couple of hours at my wife's grave today... ....Bless her, she still thinks I'm building a fish pond !
- What do you call the man who sells you bait at the fishing pond. A Master-Baiter
- Spent a solemn day sitting by the wife's grave yesterday She doesn't know it yet, she still thinks it's a fish pond.
- A few pond animals gathered for an amateur swimming race... There was a turtle, two fish, a duck and a frog. Lucky for them, the rodents didn't show up.
Otter wise they would have lost.
Koi Pond Jokes
Here is a list of funny koi pond jokes and even better koi pond puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked Flavor Flav if he liked backyard ponds Yeah Koi!
Delightful Fun Pond Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about pond you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pile jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pond pranks.
I dug my wife's grave today.
Poor gal thinks I was digging a pond.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
What's yellow and lies in a pond?
Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english.
What's yellow and lies in a pond?
An excevator.
You don't think this is funny?
Neither does the operator.
Bag limit.
A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back".
...
"What fish?"
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
Request: Your best British vs American jokes
Reading jokes it occurs to me how different humour is on the other side of the pond. What's your favourite British vs American jokes?
Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing
and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."
A pond would tell you about introspection
if it wasn't so busy self-reflecting.
So two guys were walking together down a dirt road…
…when they come to this big green space. The first guy says, "Let's cut through here," and walks on it. The other guy just goes around. The first guy looks back and says, "What are you doing? Why don't you go this way?" The other guy replies, "Nice try, Jesus. I know what pond s**... looks like."
My wife and I decided to go out for the day. We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice creams and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks. Eventually she turned to me and said, "Have you had a nice day?"
I said, "Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I'd just left school."
So three ducks go to court...
The first duck goes up to the platform and the judge says, "Okay why are you here and tell me your name." The duck says, "My name is Quack and I was found blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge says, "Okay you're sentenced to six months."
A second duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Tell me your name and why you are here." The duck says, "My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond too." The judge says, "Alright you're sentenced to six months too just like the other guy."
The third duck walks up to the stand and the judge says, "Don't tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack." The duck goes, "No your honor, I'm Bubbles."
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
What do you call a wet spy?
James Pond
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
How do you get a stone into Walden pond?
You Thoreau it in.
I was pondering life with the cat wizard...
Then he said something that gave me paws.
Meet my good friend 50 Cent, or as he's known across the pond...
10,000 Pounds
Ponder this
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Relaxing location
While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.
How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond?
Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...
After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.
"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"
Putin smiled knowingly and replied: "They're not allowed to".
Famous court cases
A man in a canoe and a man on foot were arguing over the better way to cross the pond.
It was a row vs. wade.
What do you call a frog that jumps closer and closer to a pond, but never jumps in?
An asymptoad.
How deep is a frog pond?
Knee deep
Knee deep
Walking along a pond a heard a turtle ribbit
I guess you could say he has a reptile dysfunction
Two ducks were floating in a pond
One of them said: "Quack".
The other duck said: "I was going to say that!"
One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or get out of the pond n**...". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...
"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"
d**... if you do
Grandad: My sister drowned in a pond. Dreadfully sad...
Me: Oh my God, that's terrible!
Grandad: Not really. If she'd floated, we would have had to burn her!
A schoolboy rescues President Trump
A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.
The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.
"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.
A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.
Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.
*(
What do you call a heifer in a pond?
A moist cow-lette
Clinton and Trump are drowning in a pond.
You can save only one of them. What kind of sandwich do you make?
An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond
As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"
A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...
when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?
The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. Go away! Stop spying on us! The farmer says Sorry ladies, but I didn't come out here to see you n**.... Holding up his apple bucket he says I came to feed the alligator.
What happened to Frère Jacques when he fell into the pond?
He got alouette.
A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...
He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"
The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"
The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go.
The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog."
The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
Two frogs are sitting by a pond
First frog says *Croak*, Second says *Croak*.
The first says *Croak*, second responds *Croak*.
First shouts *Croak*, second says *Croak*.
First says *Croak*, second says *Croak Croak*
First says "Don't change the topic, man!"
Amish Farmer
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')
The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'
The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more
I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea.
Then it hit me.
Why was the pond embarrassed?
Because you could see it's bottom.
My 8yo came up with this one.
Political Joke
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
A couple ducks are floating on a pond, and one of them goes, Quack!
The other duck looks over and says, Wow, I was just gonna say that!
A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk (Long)
"Buk", says the chicken,
The librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken then leaves.
Five minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk", says the chicken.
The librarian hands the chicken a book, and the chicken leaves again.
This goes on for seven or eight more times. Finally the librarian decides to take her break and follows the chicken.
The chicken goes behind the library to a pond. In the pond sits a frog on a lily pad.
The chicken throws the book into the pond. "Buk", says the chicken.
"Reddit", says the frog.
Skinny dipping
A farmer heads down to the pond carrying a bucket. As he nears the pond he hears voices. It's a bunch of girls skinny dipping. The girls hear him coming and all head down to the deep end. "We see you!" shouts one of them. "We're not coming out until you've gone". The farmer says "What? You think I've come all this way just to see a bunch of n**... girls? Sheesh. Nahhh, I just came down here to feed the alligator".
It's a chicken in the backyard.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarians desk and says, "Buk", so she gives him a book. A couple minutes later the chicken returns. "Buk", he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk" says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit" replies the frog...
An English farmer was walking through his field
He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.
"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.
The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am not understand well, please speak slow."
The farmer replied slowly and clearly "I said would you like a cup, you can drink faster that way."
A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.
It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.
Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his c**..., while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.
When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"
To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "
Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the Romulan Pond Frog that has an amazing way of evading predators.
In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.
Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."
Drowning Hipster
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."
The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."
I found an extra-terrestrial in my garden. He was sat next to the pond, wearing a red pointy hat.
It was E.T. - faux gnome
I was walking by a pond and saw a blue heron.
I asked, you crane? He answered, "I think I'm Russian now."
Two ducks are sitting in a pond
One duck says "quack".
The other duck says "Hey, I was just going to say that!"
A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.
The prophet old him, You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.
Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?
The prophet continued, No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class. .
