The Best 64 Politicians Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Politicians jokes. There are some politicians politician jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these politicians indian politician puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Politicians Jokes and Puns

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.

Half full, Half empty.

Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.

Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,

While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.

Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.

Neutralists decline to comment.

I love Christmas lights!

... they remind me of politicians.

They all hang together, half the buggers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!

Politicians joke, I love Christmas lights!

Why are there so few female politicians?

It's hard to put makeup on two faces.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.


How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb

Five. One to say they'll do it a second to try to change the law so you have to do it, a third to go on an expensive campaign to find out why it doesn't get done and two more to vote against it so it never happens.

Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

Politicians joke, Why do politicians wear neckties?

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

Politicians are like diapers...

They're almost exclusively white

What do you call 250 dead politicians?

A good start.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

You can explore politicians mandate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean politicians government dad jokes. There are also politicians puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

We should just name hurricanes after politicians.

That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.

Politicians joke, A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

Three politicians go to heaven.

No, seriously, it could happen.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

A man dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter welcomes him and shows him many many clocks.

"There is a clock for every person on the Earth" says St. Peter "The hand moves a bit if the person lies. We even have all the politicians here. Obama, Bush and Trump."

"And where is Hilary Clinton's clock?" Asks the man.

Peter answers: "It's in my office, I use it as a fan."


A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

What did the politicians say after taking a huge bong hit?

"What's Allepo?"

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So that they can speak more fluently!

Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

A bus carrying 53 politicians rolls off a cliff....

A farmer sees what happened and buries all the politicians.

Two hours later there are 100 reporters at the farmhouse to interview the poor fellow. One reporter asked him - did you make sure they were all dead before burying them?

The farmer replied - the truth is, some of them said they were still alive, but I know never to trust a politician!

Politicians are like sperm.

There are lots of them but very few work.

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

American politicians must be console gamers

So many of them rant about being anti-PC

A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...

A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here".

The boy innocently replies, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle".

What do politicians, naked women, and electrons all have in common?

**They change their behavior when being observed.**
(Does anything else?)

I'm surprised there are so many anti-vax politicians in America

Because most American politicians don't seem to care if kids get shot.

Why do they bury politicians under 6 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're good people.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...

The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

Why do so many politicians have sexual indiscretions?

Because they like to see their poles rise.

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

Politicians are like Diapers

they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason

Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their sponsors are.

Whoring yourself for money is legal in the United States

Just take a look at our politicians.

I like my sunglasses like I like my politicians,

Polarized and able to be bought surprisingly cheap.

The queen asked the visiting Indian Prime Minister, "I hear Indian politicians are notoriously corupt and wealthy"

"Quite so," he said, "but none so brazen as to wear their loot on their head".

why do politicians listen to people?

So they know which lies they're supposed to tell

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

Do you know what we would call 'COVID-19' if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

Politicians are like air freshener

They don't solve problems. They cover them up.

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.

Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

Why can't politicians get insurance?

Too much lie-ability.

We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.

All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

100 politicians walked into a bar...

... and nothing got done

Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

A man was sitting on a park bench reading about the pro-trump rioters

Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, "All politicians are assholes."
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said, "I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. "Are you a politician?"
"No, " he replied, "I am an asshole. "

Don't forget to pay your taxes this year....

.....other countries and politicians are depending on you.

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

Politicians these days.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

We have two big needs, said the village headman. First, we have a hospital but no doctor.

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?

We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...

For the same reasons.

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well, I buried them.
\- Every politician died?!
\- Some of them said they didn't, but I don't believe a word of what they say anymore...


PS: English is my second language so apologies for mistakes.

Why are strippers such good politicians?

'Cause they're good on the polls.

How do you know when it's really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

how do politicians wrap presents?

With lots of red tape

For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

A group of politicians are flying over Italy...

The mayor from Pisa exclaims "We're flying over Pisa!"
"How can you tell?" the others ask.

"Look, you can see the Leaning Tower!"
Later, a Roman parliamentarian shouts "We're flying over beautiful Roma!"
How can you tell?" the others ask.
"Look, you can see the Coliseum!"

After a while, the mayor of Naples cries "At last! We're flying over Napoli!"

"How can you tell?" the others ask.
"Look," he replied, "all your watches have been stolen!"

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the politicians senators jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working politicians pol piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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