Politician Jokes

Following is our collection of bribery humor and lawmaker one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Politician puns for adults, dirty romney jokes or clean democrat gags for kids.

There is an abundance of statesman jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on politician. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any pol witze you can hear about politician.

The Best jokes about Politician

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.

Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."


Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.


Its so cold in Washington DC

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

A politician visited a village in India..

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.


An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a Β£20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

Politician (noun):

Someone who will lay down your life for his country.

What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?

Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.

What will a gay politician never give you?

A straight answer.

What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

Why can't politicians get insurance?

Too much lie-ability.

I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar...

So, basically, I would be a politician.

A Politician wanted to build a bridge

A Politician wanted to build a bridge.

So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.

The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.

He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."

The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."

Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He replies, "9 Million Dollars."

Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"

To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."

What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

Three politicians go to heaven.

No, seriously, it could happen.

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

A well known politician is walking down when the street when a mugger jumps out and says "give me all of your money."

The politician says, "Do you know who I am? I'm a well known politician."

So the mugger says, "Fine, give me all of my money."

The Priest and the Politician

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.

First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.

And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, howβ€”there's something wrongβ€”how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.

A blind rabbit and a blind slug

A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.

The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."

Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?

both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit

Guy and genie in a bottle

Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:

"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."

And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"

Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"

Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"

Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"

Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"

Three politicians are sitting on a private plane...

The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: "i just made 1 person in our country very happy".

Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: "i just made 10 person in our country very happy".

The third politician pulled one hundred $10 notes and tossed it out of the window and said: "i just made 100 people in our country very happy".

The pilot laughed and told the co-pilot: "i can throw those 3 off the plane and make millions of people happy!".

Politician in China asks Man why he is leaving China to move to the US.

**Politician In China:** Why are you leaving China to go the US? Are you not satisfied with the work?

***Man In China:*** I am satisfied with the work.

**Politician In China:** Are you not satisfied with the pay?

***Man In China:*** I am satisfied with the pay.

**Politician In China:** Are you not satisfied with the Politicians in China?

***Man In China:*** I am satisfied with the Politicians in China.

**Politician In China:** Then why are you leaving China and moving the US?

***Man In China:*** Because in the US, I am allowed to be unsatisfied.

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?"

After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."

Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their sponsors are.

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

What does a sperm and a politician have in common?

They both have a one in 100 million chance of being human.

Why was the asian politician so upset to get caught with a prostitute?

Because he lost the erection!

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the politician spoke up. "Yes," he said,
"But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

I asked my doctor when COVID will be over.

He responded,"How should I know?I'm a doctor ,not a politician!"

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb

Five. One to say they'll do it a second to try to change the law so you have to do it, a third to go on an expensive campaign to find out why it doesn't get done and two more to vote against it so it never happens.

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

A nun, a priest and a politician...

are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"

A Politician's Tells

Especially given recent events, it's important to be able to understand how to read a politician. Every politician has similar tells, you see...
When a politician rubs their nose, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their chin, they're telling the truth.
When a politician strokes their beard, they're telling the truth.
When a politician loosens their tie, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their ear, they're telling the truth.
But when a politician opens their mouth, that's when you know they're lying.

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So that they can speak more fluently!

Politicians are like sperm.

There are lots of them but very few work.

ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we're arguing over the oldest profession

The doctor said "in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, so the first profession was a surgeon." The engineer said, "God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession." The politician said, "who do you think you made the chaos?"

Politican sees the scottish barber

A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".

A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."


Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."

Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV?

Jar Jar Binks

What's the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?

It is possible that UFOs exist.

Why do so many politicians have sexual indiscretions?

Because they like to see their poles rise.

What do politicians, naked women, and electrons all have in common?

**They change their behavior when being observed.**
(Does anything else?)

What's the difference between a politician and a catfish?

One's a bottom-dwelling, muck-sucker and the other is a fish.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes