politician Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious politician puns

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

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It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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It is so cold outside

That I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

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A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

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Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

All politicians are assholes.

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, I take offense to that!

The pissed-off guy asks him, Why? Are you a politician?

No, he replies, I'm an asshole.

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Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

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Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

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How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

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I was going to be a politician for Halloween

Then I realized I couldn't fit my head up my ass

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What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

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Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

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I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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Its so cold in Washington DC

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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What is the difference between a politician and a whore?

A whore is open about how they fuck people for money.

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What's the difference between a hooker and a politician?

A hooker stops screwing you when you run out of money.

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Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

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How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency

"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."

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A politician was walking down the street when he encountered an armed robber...

Robber: (points gun) Gimme all your money!

Politician: You better be careful young fellow, I am one of the most powerful politicians in this goddamn country.

Robber: *thinks*

Robber: Then give back all my money!

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A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

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What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician?

100 people that don't do dick

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You know what happens when you give a politician Viagra?

He gets taller.

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An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

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A priest and a politician are on a plane

A priest and politician are on a plane when the plane suddenly begins to nose dive. The priest reaches for the parachutes and says "Quick, Get The Kids", the politician replies "FUCK the kids", the priest looks at the politician with a look of bewilderment "Do you think there's time?"

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Politician (noun):

Someone who will lay down your life for his country.

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What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?

Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.

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What will a gay politician never give you?

A straight answer.

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A woman marries a lawyer

During the wedding night, she says to her husband:

- I have a confession to make. I am still a virgin.

- How is that possible? You have been married 3 more times.

- Well, my first husband was a politician. He kept describing how grand the act would be, but never actually did it. My second husband was a ceo. He knew what needed to be done, but was unsure whose job it was. Finally, my third husband was an engineer. He said he knew the basics, but needed 3 years to research, develop and implement a new advanced method. They are the reason I married you.

- What do you mean?

- Well, with a lawyer, one way or the other, I am bound to get fucked.

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What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

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Post Tortoise Politician

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.




The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''



Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said,



" When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with

a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself,

he doesn't belong up there,

he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,

he's elevated beyond his ability to function,

and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

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I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar...

So, basically, I would be a politician.

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A Politician wanted to build a bridge

A Politician wanted to build a bridge.

So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.

The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.

He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."

The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."

Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He replies, "9 Million Dollars."

Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"

To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."

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What are the best Politician puns ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Politician? Well, here are the best Politician dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Politician pick up lines to share with friends.

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