Politician Jokes
133 politician jokes and hilarious politician puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about politician that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready for a good chuckle with these hilarious Pakistani politician jokes. Featuring topics such as a farmer becoming a politician, the difficulty of finding an honest politician, the nomination process, alms and bribery, these jokes are sure to get you laughing.
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Funniest Politician Short Jokes
Short politician jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The politician humour may include short congressman jokes also.
- It was so cold in D.C. today... that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
- How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
- Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician. Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.
- Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians... They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.
- How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ? Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
- What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves? Thief: They steal your money then run
Politician: They run and then steal your money - I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician. I think it's maoware.
- What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'? 3 different answers
- How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.
- How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.
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Politician One Liners
Which politician one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with politician? I can suggest the ones about politics and senator.
- What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
- What do you call a politician with half a brain? Gifted.
- What do you call someone who contributes nothing to society? A politician.
- Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game? Vladimir Putin.
- Not all UK politicians will cry tonight but Theresa May
- A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar. He sits down and drinks coffee.
- Politician (noun): Someone who will lay down your life for his country.
- What will a gay politician never give you? A straight answer.
- Why can't politicians get insurance? Too much lie-ability.
- What's the best way for politicians to run. With scissors
- Three politicians go to heaven. No, seriously, it could happen.
- What does a politician do when he dies? He lies still
- American politicians must be console gamers So many of them rant about being anti-PC
- What's the difference between a politician and a crook? No, seriously, I can't tell.
- 100 politicians walked into a bar... ... and nothing got done
Honest Politician Jokes
Here is a list of funny honest politician jokes and even better honest politician puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show. Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive! - An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street... ...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist. - What's the difference between UFOs and an honest politician? It is possible that UFOs exist.
- What do you call an honest politician? A liar.
- I once saw a headstone that read "here lies a politician and an honest man." I wonder how they fit two people in one casket.
- Did you hear about the honest, trustworthy politician that recently had his constituents best interests in mind? Me neither.
- What's the difference between an honest politician and a flying pig? There actually was a time when swine flu.
- An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend. - I once meet an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up.
- Heard about the honest politician from Illinois? Neither have I
Good Politician Jokes
Here is a list of funny good politician jokes and even better good politician puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know what we would call 'COVID-19' if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians? A good start.
- As a politician... You need to shake hands & kiss babies...
...and take good care not to confuse the two. - What do you call 250 dead politicians? A good start.
- What's the similarity between a unicorn and a good politician? Neither exist
- There was one good thing still to be said about the politician who went to prison for stalking... He was a man of the peep-hole!
- Why are strippers such good politicians? 'Cause they're good on the polls.
- What do you call 10 politicians at the bottom of the sea? A good start.
- Person a: so im a good lier what jobs should i choose a lawyer or a politician Person b: you could also be a preacher
- Why do footballers make good politicians? Because they tackle the real issues.
- Women are good politicians... Because they know how to introduce bills in the house.
Hilarious Politician Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about politician you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean journalist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make politician pranks.
So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a politician's favourite s**... position?
Depends on how much you're paying them.
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a politician and a catfish?
One's a bottom-dwelling, muck-s**... and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a politician and an actor?
One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.
What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?
A church bell peals from the steeple.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the asian politician so upset to get caught with a p**...?
Because he lost the e**...!
Politican sees the scottish barber
A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".
A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."
Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun, a priest and a politician...
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"
The Priest and the Politician
A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.
A Politician wanted to build a bridge
A Politician wanted to build a bridge.
So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.
The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.
He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."
The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."
Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He replies, "9 Million Dollars."
Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"
To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."
ABORTION BILL
A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."
We should just name hurricanes after politicians.
That way we wouldn't have to worry about them actually coming through with anything.
What do politicians and diapers have in common?
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians c**... near his farm.
When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes
However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.
**Genie:** What is your first wish?
**Man:** I want a million dollars.
**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.
**Genie:** What is your second wish?
**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.
**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.
**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?
**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.
A blind rabbit and a blind slug
A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.
The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."
Why do politicians take laxatives?
So that they can speak more fluently!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Politicians are like s**.....
one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar...
So, basically, I would be a politician.
A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...
A police constable stops him and asks: "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many politicians pass from here".
The boy innocently replies, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do politicians, n**... women, and electrons all have in common?
**They change their behavior when being observed.**
(Does anything else?)
What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?
Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...
The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do so many politicians have s**... indiscretions?
Because they like to see their poles rise.
America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners
Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Alabama conservative Christian politician vote against abortion?
There will be Moore children to r**....
Politicians should be required to dress like nascar drivers.
With patches all over their suits telling us who their sponsors are.
A robber attacked a man and said:
-Give me all your money!
The man said:
- You do know I'm a politician,right?!
-OK , give me all of MY money then! the man replied.
Guy and genie in a bottle
Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:
"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."
And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"
Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"
Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"
Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"
Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"
UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.
This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,
So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be d**... the father said
He's going to become a politician.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?
both of their careers depend on incomprehensible b**...
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four surgeons
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the a**... and head are interchangeable."
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we're arguing over the oldest profession
The doctor said "in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, so the first profession was a surgeon." The engineer said, "God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession." The politician said, "who do you think you made the chaos?"
We should send all of Earth's politicians to colonize Mars.
All that hot air would make it habitible quickly!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen
\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced p**..., but i want to let you know that i am a v**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?
Get his wife pregnant
A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.
The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?
So the a**... can see who they voted for.
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!
I was just sitting there doing nothing
Politicians go on a vacation
Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.
The following day the police question the farmer:
\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well, I buried them.
\- Every politician died?!
\- Some of them said they didn't, but I don't believe a word of what they say anymore...
PS: English is my second language so apologies for mistakes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a mosquito and a politician have in common?
They both s**....
And how are they different? A mosquito will stop s**... eventually.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 70?
A politician.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there only two pallbearers at a politician's f**...?
There are only 2 handles on a trash can
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the fat around an a**...?
A politician
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry,he sat down and looked over the menu.
*Grilled Tourist: $5.00
*Broiled m**...: $10.00
*Fried Explorer: $15.00
*Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and
asked, "Why such a high price for
politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you
ever tried to clean one? They are so full of
s**... that it takes all day!"
Why did the politician cross the road?
Because he said he wouldn't
Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road, and a dead politician on the side of the road?
The skid marks infront of the dog.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For extra cash consider robbing s**... offenders.
Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.
Only downside is politicians usually have good security.
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians
I was literally in my office doing nothing...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a backwards politician
Most play heroes to be elected and become comedians while they're in office
