The Best 62 Politician Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Politician jokes. There are some politician lawmaker jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these politician democrat puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Politician Jokes and Puns

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

Politician joke, How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.


How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb

Five. One to say they'll do it a second to try to change the law so you have to do it, a third to go on an expensive campaign to find out why it doesn't get done and two more to vote against it so it never happens.

Why was the asian politician so upset to get caught with a prostitute?

Because he lost the erection!

Politician joke, Why was the asian politician so upset to get caught with a prostitute?

Politican sees the scottish barber

A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".

A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."

Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."

A nun, a priest and a politician...

are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there's not enough for everybody. The nun says "we need to save the children!" The politician yells back "SCREW THE CHILDREN!" The priest looks at the politician and says "Do we have time?"

What does a sperm and a politician have in common?

They both have a one in 100 million chance of being human.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

You can explore politician bribery reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean politician romney dad jokes. There are also politician puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The Priest and the Politician

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.

First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.

And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, howβ€”there's something wrongβ€”how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.

A Politician wanted to build a bridge

A Politician wanted to build a bridge.

So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.

The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.

He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."

The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."

Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He replies, "9 Million Dollars."

Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"

To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."

ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

Politician joke, Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

Its so cold in Washington DC

I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.


Three politicians go to heaven.

No, seriously, it could happen.

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run

Politician: They run and then steal your money

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

A blind rabbit and a blind slug

A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.

The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."

Politician (noun):

Someone who will lay down your life for his country.

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So that they can speak more fluently!

Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

Politicians are like sperm.

There are lots of them but very few work.

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar...

So, basically, I would be a politician.

What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?

Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.

A well known politician is walking down when the street when a mugger jumps out and says "give me all of your money."

The politician says, "Do you know who I am? I'm a well known politician."

So the mugger says, "Fine, give me all of my money."

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a Β£20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their sponsors are.

Guy and genie in a bottle

Guy finds a bottle and opens it. Out comes the ghost and says:

"I will grant you 3 wishes but there's a catch...for every wish you make every politician in the world gets double of that."

And the guy says: "I want a Ferrari"

Ghost: "Done, plus 2 for each politician"

Guy: "I want 10 million dollars"

Ghost: "Done, plus 20 million for each politician"

Guy: "I always wanted to donate a kidney"

What will a gay politician never give you?

A straight answer.

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?

both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.

Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

I asked my doctor when COVID will be over.

He responded,"How should I know?I'm a doctor ,not a politician!"

A politician visited a village in India..

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.

Why can't politicians get insurance?

Too much lie-ability.

A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.

She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced prostitute, but i want to let you know that i am a virgin.

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.

The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.

Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?

The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.

So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well, I buried them.
\- Every politician died?!
\- Some of them said they didn't, but I don't believe a word of what they say anymore...


PS: English is my second language so apologies for mistakes.

A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were

We have 2 basic needs, sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's not the doctor.

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

What do a mosquito and a politician have in common?

They both suck.

And how are they different? A mosquito will stop sucking eventually.

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.


"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."


The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"


"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

What does a sewer and a politician have in common

They are both full of shit

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 70?

A politician.

If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

What's the difference between a politician and a crook?

No, seriously, I can't tell.

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

What do you call the fat around an asshole?

A politician

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the politician statesman jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working politician pol piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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