Political Jokes

funny jokes about political and hilarious stories

BEST POLITICAL JOKES

Political jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Political of all time along with the funniest political gags ever told.

Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
Now you have to say "Jerome can you please paint the fence".

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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."
Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

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English Weather
I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

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A child falls into a lion pit at the zoo...
The crowd is shocked, but a man jumps into the pit, punches the lion, and returns the child to safety. Another man runs up to the hero and says "I'm a reporter for the New York Times, and what you did is incredible! This deserves to be on the front page tomorrow, just tell me what your occupation is and your political affiliation is."

The hero replied "I'm a marine, and I'm a Republican." The next day, the front page of the New York Times reads

"REPUBLICAN MARINE PUNCHES AFRICAN IMMIGRANT, STEALS LUNCH"

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The worst political jokes.....
Are the ones that find themselves getting elected.

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Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?
Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.

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Everyone's so politically correct these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore. You have to say "Tyrone, would you kindly paint my fence?"

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How many political idealists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, political idealists can't change anything.

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Two jokes here, If you get offend don't come crying to me
*Two Presidents*
President Obama walks in to a barber shop to get his hair cut, Soon after George Bush walks in to get his hair cut. The barbers set to work cutting there hair not talking because they didn't want to start a political debate. When the barber finished with President Obama's hair he asked "would you like some cologne?" Obama said "no thank you Michelle will think I've been in a whore house." The other barber asks George the same question to which he replies, "Sure my wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like."

*A Dream Come True*
A dream Come True One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. The Marine looked at the man and said, Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. The old man said, Okay, and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. The Marine again told the man, Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand? The old man looked at the Marine and said, Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it. The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, See you tomorrow, Sir!

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LATEST POLITICAL JOKES

What do you call a black political figure?
A *coon*gressman

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I could never run for a political office
I'm too out of shape. I could, however, waddle for a political office

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I hate all the political correctness in recent years
I can't even say "black paint" anymore, I have to say "hey Jamal would you please go paint that fence over there?"

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The greatest threat to comedy is...
The greatest threat to comedy is political correctness. #cleanballsmatter

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political joke
Republicans are Red
Democrats are Blue
and neither one
gives a fuck about you

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What do you call a political pig?
A boar.

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Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."
Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

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[sexist] Not a joke, but can you help me find it?
I remember there was a joke about why women aren't political leaders and the punchline being that they would bicker and argue with each other or something...
Anyone know which joke I am talking about?

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Russian knock-knock jokes (A Latvian Joke Tribute Song)
In light of recent political tensions, my girlfriend's dad and I sat down and tried to come up with some Russian knock-knock jokes.



Knock Knock

Who's there?

Potato.

Potato who?

Just kidding, is secret police.




Knock Knock

Who's there?

Ukraine

Ukraine who?

Ukraine your neck left, see secret police.




Knock Knock

Who's there?

Putin.

Putin who?

Putin your family is Gulag for asking so many question.




Knock Knock

Who's there?

Secret police.

Secret police who?

If I told you, wouldn't be secret.

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What political ideology does Hades consider himself to be apart of?
Plutocracy

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Two gay men go out for dinner. Who pays?
America.

(Disclaimer: Not my real political views; just thought of this joke on the can and thought it was funny)

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Did you hear about the COW that got a promotion?
She was out standing in her field.


**Edited for political correctness.

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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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I hate being a prominent political figure.
No-one wants to date a guy with aides.

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Their are two sides to a political argument.
Right wing and wrong wing.

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The White House Correspondents' Dinner is ...
just a big political party.

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Get Funny Jokes in Hindi from Indyaspeak
Find the huge collections of jokes and jokes of the day including funny jokes in hindi, comedian jokes, man jokes, political jokes and alia bhatt jokes from IndyaSpeaki

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Have you ever noticed....
Political promises are usually in one year and out the other?

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George W. Bush was once asked about his favorite political philosopher..
And he responded that it was Jesus.

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English Weather
I just read something about weather in England:

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

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POLITICAL JOKES THAT ARE...

Political jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about politics, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
Now you have to say "Jerome can you please paint the fence".

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Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."
Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

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The worst political jokes.....
Are the ones that find themselves getting elected.

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How many political idealists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, political idealists can't change anything.

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[OC] Did you hear the political interview in regards to homosexuality?
It was hard to get a straight answer.

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political joke
Republicans are Red
Democrats are Blue
and neither one
gives a fuck about you

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Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?
Because no offense.

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None of my relatives are members of any organized political party.
They're all republicans.

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Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
Now you have to say "Jamaal can you please paint the fence".

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what's a political campaign we can all get behind?
gay rights

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BEST RELIGIOUS JOKES

Jokes about politics, religion and god.

The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.


Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.

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Religion is a lot more like politics.


The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

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BEST MILITARY JOKES

Jokes about politics, military and warfare.

Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife?
When she spread her legs he saw bush.

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The buzzword of this election is "

CHANGE."
Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to.
Just that we need CHANGE!
This brings to mind the following illustration...

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad.
The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately."
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, Brown, you change with Schultz..."
"Change, now get on with it!"

And the moral is: A candidate may promise change in Washington... but the stink remains!

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After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of the coded message, 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry.
Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.
Within a few seconds, the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.
They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first.
He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe.
He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general.
He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger.
It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up.
He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls.
The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?"
The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?"
The general said, "Just do it!"
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k.
When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there.
The man said, "Sir, where are your balls."
The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."

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WHAT ARE POLITICAL JOKES ABOUT?

Political is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about political.

Are Political jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring political joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read political jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with political jokes on YouTube.

TOP LIFE JOKES THAT ARE POLITICAL

Funniest jokes about political life.

Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.


They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

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Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

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The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

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If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.

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Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

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The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.


Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.

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"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

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Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.

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Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying.

"
The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."

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Religion is a lot more like politics.


The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

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A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?
He said quickly Obama.


When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?

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Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.

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A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
Pres says "You think we’re stupid boy?"
"We made copies of all the receipts!"

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During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

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Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go.

"
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

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The buzzword of this election is "

CHANGE."
Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to.
Just that we need CHANGE!
This brings to mind the following illustration...

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad.
The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately."
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, Brown, you change with Schultz..."
"Change, now get on with it!"

And the moral is: A candidate may promise change in Washington... but the stink remains!

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Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "

Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."

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A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.

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It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA;

they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

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George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.
The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."
Bush interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."

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One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And poof, he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St.

Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, β€œHow do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
β€œHow can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, β€œWell heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, β€œWell, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, β€œWho are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, β€œIt must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

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Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds?
It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.

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Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast.


They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes.
Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped.
Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped.
Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped.
The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said
"Why? We can both jump."
"How is that?" said the monk.
The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"

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The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.

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One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.


Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."

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The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary.

The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.

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TOP CELEBRITY JOKES THAT ARE POLITICAL

Funny jokes about celebrities inlovled in politics.

Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.


They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

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Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.

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Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.


Nobody would survive anyway.

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Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.

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How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most niggers?
He promised to create jobs for them if elected.

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When Teddy Rosavelt said there is nothing to fear but fear itself he obiously hadn't met Chuck Norris.

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When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St.

Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, β€œHow do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
β€œHow can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, β€œWell heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, β€œWell, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, β€œWho are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, β€œIt must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

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Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go.

"
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

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Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
β€œWhat happened?” asked the President.
β€œWell,” the driver replied β€œthe Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
β€œMy God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.
The driver replied: β€œI’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

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During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

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TOP WORK JOKES THAT ARE POLITICAL

Political jokes about work that have to be done.

Two jokes here, If you get offend don't come crying to me
*Two Presidents*
President Obama walks in to a barber shop to get his hair cut, Soon after George Bush walks in to get his hair cut. The barbers set to work cutting there hair not talking because they didn't want to start a political debate. When the barber finished with President Obama's hair he asked "would you like some cologne?" Obama said "no thank you Michelle will think I've been in a whore house." The other barber asks George the same question to which he replies, "Sure my wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like."

*A Dream Come True*
A dream Come True One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. The Marine looked at the man and said, Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. The old man said, Okay, and walked away. The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. The Marine again told the man, Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. The man thanked him and again just walked away. The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, I would like to go in and meet with President Obama. The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand? The old man looked at the Marine and said, Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it. The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, See you tomorrow, Sir!

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What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? A carpenter can cover up the holes he screws.

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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common? They're experts at switching positions in front of camera.

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What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat? The soldier knew what he signed up for.

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I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more!

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Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well.


So I said to her, Cheer up!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

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How has Jesse Jackson lost the vote of most niggers?
He promised to create jobs for them if elected.

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What do you call a Russian procrastinator? Putinoff.

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One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And poof, he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

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The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem.

He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

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The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

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Obama and his generals in the Pentagon discussed, and they could not agree on, what is the best time for the assault on Russia.
Finally, they decide to ask the French: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The French answered: "We do not know, but certainly not in the winter, it would go wrong for sure."
Therefore, it would probably be better to ask the Germans: "When is it best to invade Russia?"
The Germans answer: "We do not know, but it certainly would not be in the summer. We have tried, already..."
What to do?
Someone proposes to ask China that is progressive and always comes up with a new idea.
So they asked the Chinese, "When is the best time to invade Russia?"
The Chinese replies: "Right now!"
Russia began to build "The Strength of Siberia" pipeline, "Turkish stream", The Spaceport "Vostochny", The Bridge to the Crimea, and in the near future they will modernize the BAM, they are building new sports complexes for the World Cup in football and athletics, they are planning oil extraction in the Arctic...
Right now they do need a lot of POW as work force.

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Chuck Norris wins every political campaign, but politely declines the jobs.

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Why do we laugh at female presidential candidates? Because they're Hillary-ous!

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Chuck Norris doesn't run for President; the President runs for Vice God Chuck Norris.

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A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.

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TOP MONEY JOKES THAT ARE POLITICAL

Political and government jokes about spending money the right way.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

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Well goodnight everyone.
I have to get up early tomorrow to do nothing and still make more money than all of you!

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You will never see a car worth over $10,000 with an Obama sticker on the back.

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

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Bomb the babies and....
Thanksgiving political conversation:

Me: well what would you rather spend the money on, giving babies diapers or dropping bombs?
Uncle Morris: we have enough for both. Bomb the babies and give the terrorists diapers.

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What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

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An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

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Q: Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections?
A: Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!

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Mitt Romney and the King of Saudi-Arabia are having a dinner party...
...the mood of the night is very good and after they spent a while talking about what new amazing things they have bought for themselves and the amount of money they managed to acquire in the past year, as well as all sorts of political matters they come to some lighter topics.
So the King says to Mitt:
"I really like parts of American culture, especially American television. My favourite show in the world is 'Star Trek'. But I only have one question about it. On the ship there are Asians, Caucasians, Africans, Latin- and Native Americans and all sorts of other people from around the world and the universe, but there are no Arabs on the ship. Why is that?"
Mitt shruggs his shoulders and replies:
"Well it is set in the future..."

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

β€œIsn’t it true,” he bellowed, β€œthat you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
β€œIsn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, β€œSir, please answer the question.”
β€œOh,” the startled witness said, β€œI thought he was talking to you.”

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Why do Republicans spend so much money on bathroom fixtures? They really love the Grand Old Potty!

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One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And poof, he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.
They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first.
He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe.
He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general.
He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger.
It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up.
He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls.
The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?"
The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?"
The general said, "Just do it!"
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k.
When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there.
The man said, "Sir, where are your balls."
The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."

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CONCLUSION

Best of 132 Funniest Political Jokes. Totally hilarious political jokes about celebrities, military personnel, government and religious people.

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