Politely Jokes
103 politely jokes and hilarious politely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about politely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Politely Short Jokes
Short politely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The politely humour may include short kindly jokes also.
- If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
This is not a political post, I just want to travel - I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall - I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
- If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.
This is not a political post. I just want to travel. - When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite... ...I only look at the covered parts.
- When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
- Hipsters I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
- If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
- I love politically incorrect jokes, and here is my favourite. Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
- When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies..... Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
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Politely One Liners
Which politely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with politely? I can suggest the ones about nicely and courteous.
- Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
- Bikinis reveal 95% of a woman's body. Men are so polite they only look at covered areas.
- How do you begin a politically incorrect joke? President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...
- You know why fish are so political? They are always taking debate.
- You know what the biggest problem with political jokes is? They get elected.
- You know the problem with political jokes? Sometimes they get elected.
- Why are spring flowers always so polite? They have good bloom-ers!
- Why didn't the polite coder get hired? The job required SASS
- What's short and to die for? A North Korean political joke.
- Crime does not pay… as well as politics.
- Genders are like political parties... There are many, but only 2 actually matter.
- I don't think any political ideology is inherently wrong Some are just alternative right
- what's a political campaign we can all get behind? gay rights
- What do you get when you combine tragedy and comedy? American politics.
- What do you call a parody when the actors are unaware it's satire? Politics.
Great Politely Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about politely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gently jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make politely pranks.
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian
are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."
Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
Now you have to say "Jerome can you please paint the fence".
What's the difference between polite conversation and an e**...?
I can maintain polite conversation.
Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."
The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."
I hate how politically correct the world is today
Instead of saying "Black paint" I now have to say "Jamal please paint"
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
A man opens the door for his moother-in-law
And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"
The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."
"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
English Weather
I just read something about weather in England:
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as _'English Weather'._
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as _'Muslim Weather'_ -- partly Sunni, but mostly s**...'ite.
I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.
I don't have a job but at least I know why.
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."
Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."
The world is so politically correct these days.
You used to be able to say "black paint." Now it has to be "Jamal can you please paint my wall?"
The kindness of strangers
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
Political correctness gone mad.
I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".
Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?
To beat the crowds.
If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving,
If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving.
This has nothing to do with politics.
I just really want to travel.
A dog goes into a telegraph office
A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price.
The dog looks confused and replies, But that would make no sense at all."
It may not be "politically correct" to say this...
...but there are over one million U.S Senators.
Political Correctness has gone mad...
You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."
Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...
Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.
"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.
"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."
"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."
"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"
"Three prison camps so far."
Apparently saying "Black Paint" is not politically correct,
The right way to say it is "Tyrone, please paint the wall"
The world is becoming too politically correct
You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.
This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.
Hippies.
Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.
I don't want to make a political joke
It might get elected as president of the United States
A church has a rat problem
The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
Politics is like driving
No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a m**....
I thought opening a door for a woman was polite
But she just screamed and flew out of the plane
s**... is like politics.
I don't understand it, but I pretend to.
A patient walks into a doctor's office...
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a r**... thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a r**... thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some a**...'s got my pen."
People today are so politically correct. You can't even say black paint,
You have to say "Leeroy, please paint my fence."
President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."
".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"
The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.
It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to
I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...
"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.
To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."
I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore.
Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."
An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)
A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a m**...!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said m**...', you certainly meant the Czar!"
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
Before too long, President Trump will be the most polite guy ever.
He'll be saying, "Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me."
With all the politically correct agenda these days, you can't even say Black Paint!
You have to say, Leroy, please paint my fence!
These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît
When wearing a bikini women show 90% of their body.
Men are really polite to only look at the covered parts.
Land O Lakes
Have you guys seen the new Land O Lakes butter packaging? They removed the Native American girl from their labels to be more politically correct.
Now that's the most American thing I've ever seen; remove the Indian and keep the land.
If Biden is elected, I stay in the country
If Trump is reelected, I stay in the country.
This is not a political post, I just can't leave because coronavirus.
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
Trump got COVID...
Well my wife and I don't see eye to eye politically. One was happy, the other worried... you understand. So after much debate, we came to a compromise: we sent him a get well soon card that said stay positive.
With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you're on, I think we can all safely say...
Thanks, Obama.
A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"
The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.
I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.
He was clearly just taking a political stand.
A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....
He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an 'ah so', and leaves.
He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, 'fluctuations'!!
He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he's leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: 'fluc you Americans too!!!'
A frustrated student handed in his exam.
"I've been writing for two hours, yet i haven't answered a single question!" he complained.
"Well done, that's a straight A." replied the Politics Teacher.
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
I was having dinner at my boss's house.
His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"
I said "Just one please."
She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!"
I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow."
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?
Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.
*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!
Student: (*hands in exam*) "I've been writing for 2 hours but I haven't answered a single question!"
Politics Teacher: "Congratulations, that's a straight A."
I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."
It was my complimentary nan
What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?
A European Redditor.
God and Canadians
When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."
So God created Canadian Geese.
Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!
Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.
Elections
If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States.
If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States
This is not about politics, I just want to travel.
