The Best 90 Polite Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Polite jokes. There are some polite kindest jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these polite adore puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Polite Jokes and Puns

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB

Why does the number 288 not come up in polite conversation?

Because it's two gross.

What did the polite gay man say to the other man when he left the bar?

Please allow me to push in your stool sir.

Polite joke, What did the polite gay man say to the other man when he left the bar?

What's the difference between polite conversation and an erection?

I can maintain polite conversation.

A polite German who never showers walks into a cathouse...

...and does his buisness. All the women then commented on how he had quite a "grüß dich."


Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...

Polite joke, The Polite Way to Pee 

A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"

The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."

"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

What were the polite Egyptians running away from?

DaRUDE Sandstorm

Guys, can we please stop with all the recent fat jokes here?

It isn't polite, they have enough on their plate already.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

You can explore polite etiquette reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean polite kindly dad jokes. There are also polite puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What a polite guy...

I met Michael J Fox the other day. I only gave him a hi-five and he still shook my hand.

I can't believe it.

Yesterday i saw some kids that were no older than 12 years, standing by a cigarette dispenser. As I was watching them, one boy looked to me and decided to talk to me:,,Hey mister! Would you be so kind and buy some cigarettes for us?". I was astonished. I couldn't believe what i just heard. When did kids become so damm polite?

I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...

They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.

What did the polite homosexual man say to another at the bar?

Mind if I push your stool in for you?

Jose takes a trip to the USA

Jose just returned to Mexico and couldn't wait to me about his trip to the USA.

He said he went to a baseball game and sat in the outfield stands, directly underneath the flagpole. He said the game was great and all the Americans were so polite. Before the game stated, they turned to him and saluted him. Then they started singing to him, "Jose, can you see!"

Polite joke, Jose takes a trip to the USA

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.

Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.

Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?

Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.

Driver : Then why do you buy them ?

Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.


When is a train being polite at dinner time?

When it choo's quietly.

I once lived with a Canadian family for a year...

They didn't want me to, but were too polite to ask me to leave!

When you are about to tell a racist joke it is always polite to.....

Turn your head and look around first... and remember to whisper for a better effect.

Sweet Young Boy

One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.

Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said, "If you were a polite young man, you'd let someone sit down."

"If you were a polite lady," Tom replied, "you'd let FOUR people sit down!"

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

What does a polite pirate say?

Chivalry-Timbers!

Hillary went for dinner with Barack Obama the other day

I heard he was very polite, but hillary brought her own private server.

I was at the pub the other day, when 2 fat chicks walk in and sit next to me

Thought of being polite, I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?'

One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's Wales you idiot'

So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'

Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?

Tom Hanks is extremely polite...

In fact, every time someone asks him for an autograph, he's the one that ends up saying "T.Hanks"

Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".

Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

What's the name of that German Video game with the polite gorilla?

Danke Kong

You know those really annoying jokes that drag on for what seems like forever, with the person telling it going into far more detail than is ever necessary, you try to be polite and listen while loosing your patience - but then after a while you actually begin to highly anticipate the punchline?

They're punfull.

You should never yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater

The gunman will shoot when he's ready, it isn't polite to rush him

The preacher asked the small boy to show him the way to the post office and the boy courteously obliged

"Thank you", the preacher said. "You are a bright and polite young man. How would you like to listen to my sermon this evening so that I may show you the way to Heaven?"

"You're going to show me the way to Heaven?" the boy said in astonishment."But you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Fight with a girlfriend

She was like, 'I feel like you're going to go out there and you're going to find someone else; you're going to leave me.' And it's tough, you know, 'cause there's no polite way to sit a girl down and be like, 'Listen honey, no one else is dumb enough to f**k me. Some Ponzi schemes only have one victim.'

My friend recently visited London.

He said everyone was very polite, except in Greenwich. Whenever he asked someone for the time they got all mean about it.

The men at gay bars are so polite...

Every time I stand up they offer to push in my stool.

Account hacked

My account was hacked the other day. The poster was so polite that he sent me a message to ask me if he could post through my account.

Thank God for the Canadians..

When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies.....

Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Are you proud of how polite your child is?

Yeah, I'm pretty pleased.

I'm studying human anatomy.

It's a polite way of saying, "I'm watching people".

If a Canadian burps and says excuse me...

But no one hears him.. is he really being polite?

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady...

I couldn't believe the ungrateful wench kept shouting at me, I'm peeing in here!

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite

But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

People think they're being polite when they sneeze into their sleeves, but really

it' snot

What's the most polite thing you can ask someone at a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for you, sir?

What do you call a polite oral hygienist?

A dentalman

President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."

".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"

I've finally decided to never get married. The minute I met any of my girlfriends parents they hated me immediately, and I'm always extra polite,

"nice to meet you, I'm Joe King."

Thank you and Sorry are the two most polite phrases.

Apparently, "No, thank you, I don't need your advice" and "Sorry, I don't want to help you" don't cut it.

I didn't like how my friend cooked my steak...

But I was polite and told him "this is well-done."

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

What do you call an indigenous man who is polite, respectful and protects his woman?

A Gentle mayan.

I've always felt like asking someone where they live is impolite.

Secretly following them home is much more polite.

There was a king.

He was having a problem with barbarians in his kingdom, so he began sending guards to patrol the roads at night.

One of his nobles sent some of his city guard to help with the efforts, and a fool to keep the king's mood up.

The king was polite, but full of pride, so he sent the guards back with the message, "I have plenty of guards of my own, but I appreciate the jester."

"I went to the museum of death a few weeks back."

"It's not polite to refer to memorial museums as that."

Chivalry is dead.

Opening the door for ladies used to be considered the polite thing to do.

The last girl I opened the door for just screamed at me as she fell out of the plane.

Just sneezed around some very polite strangers.

#blessed

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

What did the polite surgeon say to the person who was sawed in half?

Mind if I join you?

Everyone keeps telling me the polite thing to do is to open a door for a woman...

But she just screamed and fell out of the plane.

Before too long, President Trump will be the most polite guy ever.

He'll be saying, "Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me."

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

Any thoughts why?

I thought that opening doors for ladies is a polite thing, but when I o'ened one up for this grandma she started shouting and flew out of the plane for some reason

I tried to be a gentleman today and held the door for someone.

Turns out it's not polite if it's a revolving door.

One nice thing about the Trump White House is how polite everyone is...

You can overhear the staffers saying "pardon me..."

One thing nice about Trumps White House is how polite they are...

You can walk down the halls and everyone says "Pardon me".

My mother-in-law has come for a visit and has been of immeasurable help

Which is a polite way to say that her assistance has not been perceptible.

What does a polite Mexican order at Wendy's?

4 for 4, por favor!

I think politeness is important.

That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

GRAM'S OBSERVATION

My grandmother said to me that men were more polite and charming when she was young.
i explained that it was because no one wants to have sex with her anymore

Gay bars have the most polite dudes I've ever met..

They always push in my stool for me.

Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît

When wearing a bikini women show 90% of their body.

Men are really polite to only look at the covered parts.

How do you politely cut a friend out of your life?

Asking for a friend.

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

The White House has suddenly turned into such a polite place.

Everyone is going around saying, "Pardon me."

Today I learned...

It's not polite to greet a blind person with long time no see

It is not polite to call people White Trash

The proper label is white non-recyclables



Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accidents, don't hurt each other, don't get tangled into branches or fences or simialr. We do that by either sawing them off of putting a drop of acid on the horns when they are still young so they don't grow. But those particular cows don't have horns because they are horses."

A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an 'ah so', and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, 'fluctuations'!!

He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he's leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: 'fluc you Americans too!!!'

When wearing a bikini, a woman reveals 90 % of her body

Men are so polite that they only look at the covered part.

What do you call a polite pig?

Canadian Bacon.

Donner with my boss

I had dinner last week at my boss house, his wife offered me roasted potatoes she said " how many potatoes do you want?

" i said "one please"

she said "you don't have to be polite",

"one, you fat bitch" wasn't the proper answer

I was out on the street, minding my own business...

when this guy Norman came up to me out of nowhere. I know his name because he immediately introduced himself without bothering to see if I was interested. I did not respond, yet he continued on, trying to strike up a conversation with me. I had things to do, so I pretended not to notice him.

Yet he still persisted. I know it's generally expected to be polite to people, but I guess I just prefer to ignore social Norms.

(Note: this is gentler than my joke about violating social Norms.)

I was having dinner at my boss's house.

His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said "Just one please."

She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!"

I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow."

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

What do you call it when someone is mildly polite in space?

Comet courtesy

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the polite young politics jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working polite local politics piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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