Polish Jokes
138 polish jokes and hilarious polish puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about polish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a collection of Polish jokes. If you're looking for a laugh, then read on!
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Funniest Polish Short Jokes
Short polish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The polish humour may include short polo jokes also.
- I told a girl, "you look great without glasses" She said, "but I don't wear glasses."
I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do." - The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do." - I'm not racist but I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".
But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoe. - Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted... ...a night in, shining armor.
- I ran my car into a pole late last night The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving
- What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that's long and hard? His last name
- Capital letters... ...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.
- Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home) - Have you heard about the curator of the Slavic History exhibit? He's forever Russian around, Czeching that everything gets Polished
- Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian? He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.
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Polish One Liners
Which polish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with polish? I can suggest the ones about prawn and english polite.
- What do you call a Polish fisherman? A fishing pole.
- A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day... He discovered he was a tad Polish.
- What's the cleanest language in the world? Polish
- What do you call the shiniest people? Polish
- My band used to have a Polish sound guy. And we also had a Czech one, too.
- How do you stop the Polish army on horseback? You turn off the carousel.
- TIL Santa Claus is European.. North Polish to be exact
- What do you get if you cross shoe polish with yeast? Loafers that rise and shine
- I just won the Polish Lottery..... $1.00 a year for a million years.
- What do you call a little polish boat? A Jetski.
- (OC) Where did the frog say his family came from? "They are German and a tad-Polish"
- I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer... I have a Czech one too...
- Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms? To see the Old Polish Navy
- What does a baby frog and a half-polish person have in common? They're both a tad-pole
- Did you know Santa was born in Gdansk? He's North Polish
Why Polish Jokes
Here is a list of funny why polish jokes and even better why polish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal? He was so proud, he had it bronzed.
- My uncle just died. He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish. - Before moving to England I spent some time in Poland... It definitely helped me polish my English.
- The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'
- "Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water (hopefully this translates well)
- How do you know if a polish guy stole your bike ? You see him running down the street with it.
- Did you know that every frog used to have at least some polish genes? In fact, they were a tad-pole.
- What's a long, hard, mouthful that a Polish woman gets on her wedding night? A Polish surname
- Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country? Because opposite poles attract
- I never knew what nationality Santa was until now. I just found out that he is actually North Polish.
Polish People Jokes
Here is a list of funny polish people jokes and even better polish people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- another polish joke why do polish people keep empty bottles in the fridge?
for those that don't want anything to drink - What do polish people do for fun? Polish stuff
- What do you it call when Polish people can't agree among themselves? Polarized
- A moderator from Poland walks into a chatroom of people arguing. "This place is gonna need some *polishing*."
- Polish people are really knowledgeable about politics. Every time the news is on they keep saying "Let's see what the Poles have to say."
- Are all Polish people? Well polished people?
- I'm not sure why people were so surprised by the quality of The Witcher 3 It's a well known fact that games benefit from a lot of polish.
- What resolution do Polish people use on their computers? 1939 x 6,000,000
- What do Polish people study in chemistry? Dipole-dipole bonds.
- There's a new activist movement that campaigns against violence and systemic racism toward people from Poland... It's called "Matter Lives Polish."
Shoe Polish Jokes
Here is a list of funny shoe polish jokes and even better shoe polish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Polishing my shoes I was walking downtown when I saw a black man carrying a tv set, and it looked just like mine. So I ran back home and to my relief mine was still there polishing my shoes.
- Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly? So he could look at others' faces.
- The guy that polishes my shoes doesn't enjoy Stephen King's books. But he's always loved The Shining
- What did the cobbler say to get the slavs off his lawn? Shoe polish
- I was walking down the street when I saw a black man carrying a tv... I could've swore it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at the house polishing my shoes.
- Why did the girl eat yeast and shoe polish before bed? She wanted to rise and shine in the morning!
- What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine.
- Shoe language Q) What language do shoes converse in?
A) Polish - I'm thinking of running as the Prime Minister of Canada Does anyone have any shoe polish I can borrow for Halloween?
- What's a shoes favorite food? Polish
Polish Girl Jokes
Here is a list of funny polish girl jokes and even better polish girl puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Girl finds out that she's pregnant... And goes to tell her mum about it. Her mum asks; "Have you had a check-up?"
Girl says; "No, he was Polish" - What's a funny non-racist joke a Polish person would laugh at? Just trying to make a Polish girl I like laugh
- The girl I'm dating is half Polish and half German. I asked her if she ever got the urge to invade herself.
- I was so excited when I saw the Nail Polish advertisement Because I want to sleep with this girl from Poland
- What's the Polish girl's favorite activity? Pole dancing.
- Do you know why Polish girls don't like vibrates? It chips their teeth.
Polish Mexican Jokes
Here is a list of funny polish mexican jokes and even better polish mexican puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Mexican walked into a Polish store and greeted every one. He was handed a sausage.
Uproarious Polish Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about polish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean invading poland jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make polish pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you sink a polish ship?
you put it in the water
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Good Polish Joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
Two Polish guys are walking through the woods...
One says "Look, a dead bird!". The other looks up in the trees and says "Where?!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..
.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."
2 Poles are watching a Football game...
There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says:
-I bet you 20 bucks he will not score
-You are on - Replies the second one.
The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first
pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying:
-I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money.
-I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.
Tragedy in Poland
The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.
So far 374 bodies have been found.
Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard about the Polish s**... club?
There are Poles everywhere.
I was watching the Super Bowl with some friends...
and my fiancee's friend, who isn't very keen on sports, is commenting on the shoe polish streaks under their eyes.
She says "I just don't get it, what do those black things even do?"
I reply, "Well, play football, mostly."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Polish joke
A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb p**... by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:
"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."
The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb p**...!".
Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"
The counterman says "This is a hardware store."
Bad taste
"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.
Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Polish man think his wife was plotting to m**... him?
He found a bottle of polish remover on her dresser
My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English
> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.
Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four Polish men die in a car accident
Two in the actual c**... and two more in the reenactment.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
a new last name
A German visits Poland.
A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.
The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"
The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between acetone and h**...?
One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.
A Polish man calls 911
And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"
A guy walks into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.
The bartender stops him and says "I'm Polish. You see the guy over there - he's the owner of this bar and he's Polish. You see these two big guys drinking beer beside you - they're Polish. You still want to tell your joke?" The guy thinks about it and says "No, I don't want to tell it anymore. Nobody will get it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the first thing h**... bought from the beauty shop?
Polish remover
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye
h**... uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do h**... and teenage girls have in common?
They both use chemicals to remove the polish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Using chemicals to remove polish is fine...
But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly h**...!
Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...
"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"
"Wow! That must have been scary!"
"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does h**... like acetone?
It's a Polish Remover
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does acetone have in common with n**...?
Polish removal is their best trait
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Polish helicopter c**...?
The pilot got cold and turned off the ceiling fan!
The polish bride.
[Might be a repost, but c'mon, I'm pretty sure there would be atleast one person who wouldn't have heard this one]
What is long and hard, that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"
Do you know how many Polish jokes there are in the world?
Only like 3, the rest are true stories.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once dated a twin
Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a d**...'
This guy died after drinking a whole bottle of furniture polish,
A sad end but a beautiful finish.
(richard dawson: source)
A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.
Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.
The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.
Officer: What is your age?
Tourist: 31 years old.
Officer: Occupation?
Tourist: No, just visiting.
Polish is a lot like Finnish
Theyre both used to make furniture shine
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?
>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name
>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
They meet at work in the morning
>Did you heal about the Polish t**... that tried to blow up the bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Polish friend asked how do you get d**...' from Richard?
I told them to ask nicely
Pedro gets a New Secretary.
Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband's roving eye.
Dora (Pedro's wife): Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Pedro: Didn't quite notice."
Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
Pedro: Haven't had the time to check."
Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"
Pedro: Not a clue in the world."
Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?
Pedro: I barely spoke to her, so don't know.
Dora: "How does she dress?"
Pedro: "Very quickly
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm planning on starting a s**... club....
... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.
I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.
The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".
The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.
A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, I'd like a pound of kielbasa please.
The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, You're Polish, aren't cha?
The man looks surprised and says, Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?
The clerk replies, It's because this is a hardware store.
Two polish Pilots are trying to land a plane
They approach the ground, but they really struggle with the runway. The plane nearly crashes, but they finally are able to land it.
Jesus, one pilot says. That was the shortest runway ever.
Yeah, and did you see how wide it was?
A North Korean go to Poland...
Kim Jong Un goes to Poland for a diplomatic visit but his car break in the Polish countryside.
He meet a farmer that ask him :
"Kim jesteś?" (Who are you?)
And Kim reply :
"No, Kim Jong Un."
Control system theory joke
As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.
Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the other passengers to try to see out the window. Because of the sudden shift in weight, the pilot lost control, and the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard.
The official report said that the accident was due to instability caused by poles in the right half plane.
What is the favourite weapon of a Polish man?
A Warsaw
Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital
Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.
ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"
One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.
Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.
Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.
"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.
"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Polish are so s**......
...their adult literacy rate is 98.74%, far below the European average of 99.13% and only 19.74 percentage points ahead of America.
I've always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavours....
.....and furniture polish is made from real lemons ?
Don't you know how to say orchard in polish?
It's sad
What do you call a Polish telemarketer?
A telephone Pole.
The German in Poland
A German once went on a business trip by car to Poland.
The Polish police pulled him over.
"What's the purpose of your visit?", the policeman asked.
"Business!" said the German.
"Mhm."
"Occupation?" the policeman followed.
"No, no, no! Business, I said!" the German replied.
