Polish Jokes

What are some Polish jokes?

I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer

and a Czech one too. Czech one too.

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.


The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

A girl uses chemicals to remove polish and no one looks twice

And yet when Hitler tried it, everyone threw a fit

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day...

He discovered he was a tad Polish.

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks β€žCan you read this?

β€žRead it? , the Pole replies, β€žI know the guy!

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

Why does Hitler like acetone?

It's a Polish Remover

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

Using chemicals to remove polish is fine...

But use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're suddenly Hitler!

Sieg Heil by Covergirl

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics.
Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.


My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'


I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

What's the cleanest language in the world?

Polish

What was the first thing Hitler bought from the beauty shop?

Polish remover

I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that's long and hard?

His last name

What do Hitler and teenage girls have in common?

They both use chemicals to remove the polish.

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:

G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K

Doctor: Can you read the letters?

Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

Capital letters...

...the difference between using chemicals to remove polish, and using chemicals to remove Polish.

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor

The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"

Why do all polish names end in ski?

Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)

Polish immigrant

A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.

He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."

What do you call the shiniest people?

Polish

Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since

I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."

To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"

As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"

"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."

After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'

"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."

"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."

The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."

What's the difference between acetone and Hitler?

One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.

A Polish man calls 911

And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"

The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"

The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"

A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.

The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z

**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

A guy walks into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.

The bartender stops him and says "I'm Polish. You see the guy over there - he's the owner of this bar and he's Polish. You see these two big guys drinking beer beside you - they're Polish. You still want to tell your joke?" The guy thinks about it and says "No, I don't want to tell it anymore. Nobody will get it."

My band used to have a Polish sound guy.

And we also had a Czech one, too.

A Polish joke

A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb Polack by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:

"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."

The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb Polack!".

Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"

The counterman says "This is a hardware store."

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?

You turn off the carousel.

(A Polish joke told to me by my Polish mother) - A Caucasian man walks into a coffee shop and a woman politely says, "How may I help you?" The man replies, "Ill take my coffee like I like my women...light and sweet"...

A black man orders next. He says, "Ill take my coffee like I like my women, dark and sweet." A Polish man then walks up to the counter to order. Before he says a word, the woman working the counter politely says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any fat and ugly coffee here."

Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery.

Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.

NY Driver's license.

A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z A J K O K I W S
The examiner asks - Can you read this?
The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!

How do you sink the Polish navy?

Put it in water

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."

TIL Santa Claus is European..

North Polish to be exact

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

No matter how hard it tries, a pollack cannot pose as an Italian

A polish man moves to the USA; it is circa 1920. However, he's having a hard time getting started. Everywhere he goes to get a job he hears "no, we don't hire you dumb pollacks". He is saddened by these blatant stereotypes.

He sees that Italians are succeeding in the new world, and decides he is going to try to pose as an Italian. He spends weeks practicing his accent, learning the culture, and otherwise becoming an Italian.

Once he feels confident he goes into town with his newly adopted persona, and walks into a shop

He yells at the guy behind the counter in a thick italian accent "hey, get me a half pound of your best provolone and full pound of prosciutto"

The man immediately asks "Sir, are you a pollack?"

Disgruntled he goes "....uh, no no, give me my fuckin' meat and cheese"

The man responds "Sir, this is a hardware store."

Hear about the guy that was half Italian and half Polish?

He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band

I have a Czech one too.
Czech one too. Czech one too.

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.


After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"...

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street. The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.

The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin? Was the zoo closed?"

"No," the second replied, "it was open. We had a very nice time. I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."

I was watching the Super Bowl with some friends...

and my fiancee's friend, who isn't very keen on sports, is commenting on the shoe polish streaks under their eyes.

She says "I just don't get it, what do those black things even do?"

I reply, "Well, play football, mostly."

What do you call a little polish boat?

A Jetski.

What do you call a polish guy on a boat?

A fishing pole

A polish man is forced to take the controls in of a small two-passenger plane [math joke]

The pilot had just had a heart attack, they were running low on fuel. While he had flown decades ago during the war, he had no experience with the newer instruments and wasn't sure if he could land the plane. He grabs the radio and explains his situation to air traffic control. Several voices answer and begin shouting over each other, the man can't figure out what's going on. He interrupts them, "Please, gentlemen. I'm just a simple pole, in a complex plane."

Polish Hunters

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Two old Polish guys were talking about how tough their childhoods were...

"When I was a boy, my father taught me to swim the old fashioned way! He just took me out to the middle of a lake and threw me overboard!"

"Wow! That must have been scary!"

"Well, it was easy enough swimming back to shore, once I got myself out of that burlap sack."

What is Hitler's favourite beauty product?

Polish Remover

I just won the Polish Lottery.....

$1.00 a year for a million years.

A Polish Joke

A man walks up to a counter and says to the clerk, "Sir, give me your finest polish sausage!"

The man looks back at him confused. He then asks, "Sir, are you by any chance Polish?"

The first man looks back at him shocked and appalled. "How dare you assume I'm polish just because I asked for polish sausage! If I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I had asked for spaghetti, would you have assumed I was Italian? I can't believe you would assume something like that!"

The clerk looks back at him and says, "No sir, I assumed you were Polish because this is a hardware store."

How to make Polish jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Polish to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Polish? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Polish pick up lines to share with friends.

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