policemen Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious policemen puns

Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.

Man: I know, but she has a great personality.

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A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.

The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.

The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.

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An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

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Two policemen . . .

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

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A boy and his dad.

A boy and his dad are walking through the streets

boy: "What does the word drunk mean?"

dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are four policemen over there."

boy: "But dad there is only one policeman over there!"

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My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

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Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

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A policeman pulls over a speeding motorist...

and asks him "Why were you speeding?"

The man replies, "I was going to the Policeman ball."

The police officer replies, "But policemen don't have balls."

The man smiles and drives away.

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Why do Firemen have bigger balls than Policemen?

Because they sell more tickets.

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Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

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The phone rings at the local police station. Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir. The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Craig, did the police come? Yep. Did they chop your firewood? Sure did, Eric. Thanks! Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed. 

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Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

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the meaning of being drunk

a young boy and his dad are walking through the streets
boy: what does the word drunk mean?
dad: well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are 4 policemen over there.
boy: but dad there is only 1 policeman over there!

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European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven: the chefs are Italian, the lovers are French, the mechanics are German, the policemen are English, and it is all organized by the Swiss.

In Hell: the chefs are English, the lovers are Swiss, the mechanics are French, the police are German, and it is all organized by the Italians.

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Netherland police found a little hole in the wall of women's changing rooms

Policemen are looking into it now.

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Penguins

A policemen is driving around when he sees a man driving a pick-up truck with the bed filled with penguins. He pulls the man over and tells him, " you shouldnt be driving these penguins around, you should take them to the zoo!" The man said, " you know. you are right", and drives off

The following day the policeman sees the same man driving the same pick-up truck with the same penguins. He pulls the guy over and asks him, "Didn't I tell you to take these penguins to the zoo?".

The man replies "I did. Today we're going to the beach!".

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How many American policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five.

One changes the bulb and the other four beat the shit out of the room because it is dark.

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My favourite police joke

It's getting dark and little Jimmy is riding home on his new bike. He notices that a policeman on a horse is following him. The policemen asks Jimmy to pull over.

Then he starts talking: "That's a nice bike you have there. Did you get this from Santa?"

"Yes I did."

"Well next time just tell Santa he's supposed to put a rear light on the back side of the bike. That makes 30$."


After a while Jimmy replies: "That's a nice horse you have there. Did you get this from Santa?"

"Yes I did."

"Well next time just tell Santa he's supposed to put the asshole on the back side of the horse and not on top of it."

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A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down the street. The first officer stands waiting for half an hour...an hour...two hours...finally after almost three hours, the second policeman comes back still holding the penguin.

The officer who stayed is exasperated, "What took you so long and why do you still have the penguin? Was the zoo closed?"

"No," the second replied, "it was open. We had a very nice time. I'm think I'm going to take him to the movies now."

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A man calls his brother's home...

... and his little nephew Timmy answers the phone. The man says, "Can I talk to your daddy?"
Timmy says, "No, he's busy."
The man says, "Can I talk to your mommy?"
Timmy says, "No, she's busy too."
The man says, "Well is there anyone else at the house?"
Timmy says, "Yeah, the police."
The man becomes alarmed and says, "What's wrong? Can I talk to one of the policemen?"
Timmy says, "No, they're all busy."
The man gets frustrated and says, "Why is everyone so damn busy?"
Timmy lets out a hushed giggle and says, "They're looking for me!"

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Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.


One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot each other.

Two deaf policemen heard the noise

And ran to save the two dead boys.

If you don't believe this lie is true

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

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At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika...

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".

Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Sir, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too"

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Police officer

A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: "You don't want to do that, this car is actually stolen"
* The officer begins to tense*
Officer: "Open up your trunk!"
Driver: "you definitely don't want to do that, there is a dead hooker in there"

The police officer calls back up. 5 policemen approach and search the car. They find no dead hooker, the car isn't stolen and the licence isn't expired.

One of the officers approaches the driver and says: "Sorry sir, there seemed to be a mistake. One of the officers said that you stole a car with an expired licence and killed a hooker."

Driver: "Yeah, I bet he told you I was speeding too"

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A man in an interrogation room

A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

"You are the lawyer." exclaims the policemen.

"Exactly, so where's my present?" replied the lawyer.

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How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?

11. One chief of police to oversee it, and 10 cops to beat the lightbulb until it wants to change.

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Two Policemen with a Dog are standing outside of a
Pub.

A drunk guy comes out of the pub, lifts the dogs tail and looks at it. Than he just shakes his head and leaves.
After a few minutes another guy comes out and does the same thing.
The Policemen just wonder and say nothing.
When a third guy looks at the dog in this way, they stop him and ask what he is doing.
The drunk guy just says: "Sorry, but I had to look for myself. In there is a guy that claims there is a dog with two assholes standing in front of the pub."


Sorry it lost a little bit in the translation - I'm open for suggestions to make it better.

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What do you call twin policemen?

Copies.

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How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

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Man standing on top of a burning building...

He looks down to see policemen stretching out a blanket to catch him and shouting "Jump!"

He's got a bit of history with the local cops, so shouts down "No way! You guys hate me, you'll move the blanket!"

So they ask him what he wants them to do instead.

"Just put the blanket on the fucking ground!"

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How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

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Driving to work...

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

*

This joke was email to me by a Comedy Defensive Driving class I took to take care of a speeding ticket (three years ago).

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Russian Yeltsin Joke

Here's one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies.

A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says "You can't park there! That's right under Yeltsin's window!"

The man looks perplexed for a second but then smiles and calmly replies:

"No need to worry officer, I made sure to lock the car"


I got it from a good book called Oilopoly, about Russia's oil and such things.

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What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?

One is popcorn
The other is cop porn.

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How do you choose a stupid policeman from a group of policemen?

At random.

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Heaven vs. Hell

In heaven, the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, the policemen are British, the mechanics are German, and things are run by the Swiss.

In hell, the cooks are English, the lovers are Swiss, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, and things are run by the Italians.

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What are the most funny Policemen jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Policemen? Well, here are the best Policemen dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Policemen pick up lines to share with friends.

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