The Best 43 Policemen Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Policemen jokes. There are some policemen constable jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these policemen nypd puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Policemen Jokes and Puns

What do you call twin policemen?

Copies.

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

A boy and his dad.

A boy and his dad are walking through the streets

boy: "What does the word drunk mean?"

dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are four policemen over there."

boy: "But dad there is only one policeman over there!"

Policemen joke, A boy and his dad.

How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?

11. One chief of police to oversee it, and 10 cops to beat the lightbulb until it wants to change.

The year is 2089. All policemen have been replaced by genetically modified dogs.

The amount of people killed by police yearly went down 90% and a recent poll that asked "Do you like the police?" showed that public opinion of the force went up 64%.

How was this accomplished?

Dogs are colorblind.


Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

How do you choose a stupid policeman from a group of policemen?

At random.

Policemen joke, How do you choose a stupid policeman from a group of policemen?

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.

The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.

The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.

Two policemen . . .

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

I remember when I was a policemen and I was told to seal off an area

I feel sorry for the two policemen outside number 10

Seeming David Cameron has a thing for pigs now.

You can explore policemen detectives reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean policemen mountie dad jokes. There are also policemen puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Have you heard about the new device Apple are doing for policemen?

It's called the iPlod.

Never play chess with the blacks pieces against a policemen

You'll always get beaten

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.

One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot each other.

Two deaf policemen heard the noise

And ran to save the two dead boys.

If you don't believe this lie is true

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

What do you call a constipated policemen?

constable

Policemen joke, What do you call a constipated policemen?

Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

What do you call policemen from the Cretaceous period?

Triceracops.

Blind Golfers

One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "your inspiration to keep doing what you enjoy even though you can't see. Sure, you can go." The engineers said, "can't you just golf at night?"


Netherland police found a little hole in the wall of women's changing rooms

Policemen are looking into it now.

An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

Policemen: I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck.

Man: I know, but she has a great personality.

How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room because its black.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)

Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them says: Shouldnt we learn any languages? The other says: Why sould we? That guy knows so many languages but they still useless.

American policemen beaten Chinese tourist after asking him for his name...

"I lost faith in humanity", said Fak Yu from the hospital.

What do you call conspicuous policemen on a stealth mission?

Over cops on covert ops.

If firemen wear bright red suspenders to hold up their pants, why do policemen wear dark blue ties?

To keep the foreskin from creeping up over their face.

Policeman asked a drunk man how much did he drink. Drunk man answered...

...five policemen, Captain Morgan.

The police are having a math class

On the board it is written 5-7+2=0.

The policemen are very confused so the teacher says "Look, it is very simple. Let me give you an example".

Let's say that there is a bus with 5 people in it. On the next stop 7 people get off the bus. How many people need to get in the bus so the bus will be empty ?

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).

He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".

The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Tsar!"

How many policemen does it take, to screw in a light bulb?

None, the room will be shot twice because it's dark.

Two dicks

I walked past a K9 police unit ghe other day and said to my girlfriend: Look, this doggy is walking around with two dicks.

To my credit, both policemen checked under the doggo before attempting to chase me.

What do policemen not like to find in their drinks?

Just ice

Why are old policemen the best gardeners?

They've been planting things their whole career.

How do Americans policemen change a light bulb?

They beat the room because it's black

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them.
The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says:
"I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."
"Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."

Policemen are great at Volleyball, guess why?

They serve and protect.

I hate people that take drugs

You know, customs officers and policemen.

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the engineers. And the Italians run everything.

It was close to curfew in Soviet Russia, two policemen see a man running

One of the the policemen shoots the running man dead.

"Why did you do that? It isn't past curfew yet!" the other policeman asks

The other replies:

"I know where he lives, he wasn't gonna make it"

Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.

First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are they doing?" I asked

"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.

"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked

"Looking for me" he whispered

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the policemen patrolman jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working policemen cop piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes