Police Station Jokes
125 police station jokes and hilarious police station puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about police station that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Police Station Short Jokes
Short police station jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The police station humour may include short police department jokes also.
- Someone stole my coffee cup from work today. Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.
- Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.
- There's a hole in the women's bathroom wall at the police station The detectives are looking into it
- I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.
- This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
- I was mugged at a bus station, and burst in to tears. A police officer came up to me and said 'I'm fining you £60'.
I said, 'oh, for crying out loud'
The police officer said 'yes' - Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal? A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.
- During the summer a local police station developed a mosquito problem They deployed the swat team.
- Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime? Because the cops have nothing to go on.
- I've spent the day in a German police station. Word to the wise… Don't go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in other countries.
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Police Station One Liners
Which police station one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with police station? I can suggest the ones about train station and police car.
- The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
- A large hole appeared outside the local police station. They're looking into it.
- I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font. Now that is bold.
- Someone stole all the pencils at the police station Detectives have no leads.
- What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station? Cu Copper.
- If you work at the office in a police station... Does that make you an officer?
- Why did the heart get sent to police station? Cardiac arrest.
- A black guy walks into a police station.
- show the pic. Police station cant go in
- A black guy walks into a police station in Florida and he never comes out.
- Joe Paterno doesn't walk into a police station. We like to have fun here.
- Why did the peanut go to the police station? It was r**....
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Police Station Jokes
What funny jokes about police station you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean police man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make police station pranks.
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes."
Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pr*stitute in the police station.
The desk officer sayes "so when did you realise you were r**... ?"
She replies ... "when the cheque bounced !"
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.
On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "It was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing.
"
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sorry, I Can't do That!
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde runs into a police station
"Officer! Officer! Help me, I've been graped!" The policeman is confused "graped" he asks, "well there was a bunch of them"
In a small town in the middle of nowhere...
Recently, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a crime occurred which totally perplexed the local authorities. It seems that somehow, in a daring daylight robbery, an unidentified perpetrator managed to sneak into the crowded police station and systematically steal all of the toilets.
The cops have nothing to go on.
The Blind Man
There was a blind man who had lived in a town for many years. Throughout his life he had learned the streets and knew where every building was: the school, the police station, the hospital etc.
One morning he was walking down the street, and he walked to the fish market where he stopped for a moment.
He then took a big breath and said "Good morning Ladies!"
Need help finding a joke.
The question is ' What happens at the police station at closing time? ', And I believe the joke is physics related. Its a long story to explain why I need the punchline, but my physics teacher asked me to find it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets pulled over...
A man gets pulled over and the police officer approaches the driver's window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver says, "No sir." The cop says "Well son, you were speeding. Now please hand me your license and registration." The driver pulls out his license and says, "Well my registration is in the glove box, but I have to warn you, there is a loaded p**... in there." The cop is taken aback and places a hand on his own weapon. "Why do you have a loaded gun?" "Well it's what I used to kill the guy in my trunk." The cop then freaks out a little and calls for backup. While waiting, he has the driver toss his keys to the road and keep his hands up. Backup arrives, and they get him into the back of the squad car. Shortly after, their chief pulls up.
"Alright sir, we are going to retrieve the gun from the glove box, and the body from the trunk. We need you to identify the body, and then we will take you to the station for holding."
The driver says, "Sir there's no dead body in my trunk, nor is there a gun in the glove box...I bet he told you I was speeding too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
A guy flags down a passing police car
Ossifer! Ossifer! You gotta help me. My car's been stolen.
Sir, are you sure it was stolen? it looks to me like you've had a bit to drink tonight. Are you sure you know where you left it?
Certainly I do! Don't be ridiculous. It was right here on the end of this key.
Sir, why don't you have a seat in the car, and I'll take you down to the station where they will take a report about your car. Before we do that, I'm going to have to tell you that your fly is unzipped and you're exposing yourself. You need to tuck yourself back in and zip up.
Oh my God! They got my girl, too!
Larry at the police station
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Old man driving alone
An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The worst stash spot
At the back woods b**...-duck county police station the phone rings...
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' m**... inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yup sure did!'
'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'
'Yup!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
My dad just dropped this one on my brother and I
Someone broke into the Police Station and they stole the toilet. Police are looking into it but they have nothing to go on.
Unnecessary Arrests
The other day, a police officer was walking through the park. He saw two kids. One of the kids was eating fireworks. The other was drinking battery acid. The officer immediately arrested both kids and brought them to the station. When they got there, the officer's superior told him to let one of the kids off and charge the other one.
A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station...
A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station. The police are trying everything to learn where she came from and how she got the bruises but with no results.
Finally one of the detectives notices she has a wedding ring.
"Oh! You have a husband! What does he do?"
"I dunno, beats me."
Drinking problems
So a guy comes to the police station,
Hello - says the police officer - you are here for a drinking problem correct?
The man replies : What me? drinking problem? no officer I have no drinking problem, I was drinking all night, no problems so far.
I stole a toilet seat from a police station once, and they never figured out it was me.
They had nothing to go on.
Hey I'm in jail on the police station for having an ugly face.....
Can you please come over and show them they got the wrong person?
Couple police jokes
1) A hole has opened up on the motorway, the police are looking into it.
2) Someone has stolen the toilets at the police station, the police have nothing to go on.
3) A lorry carrying hair gel has tipped under suspicious cirumstances, over scattering it's content all over the road. The police are combing the area.
There was a robbery at the Police station.
There was a robbery at my local Police Station the other day. The thieves stole the toilet seat and the cops don't have anything to go on... There's just a big hole now and the cops are looking into it!
News reports say that someone stole all the toilets from the police station downtown.
The cops have nothing to go on.
A little boy walked into a police station
"I lost my daddy" says the boy.
"We'll look for him son, don't worry: what's he like?" asked the officer.
"Liquor and women."
Pranking the police
A couple of pranksters broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
Two white guys and two black guys go into a police station
The white guys come back from the station
A man walks into a police station
"My car has been stolen" he says laughingly.
"Your car has been stolen, but why are you laughing then?" The officer says.
"Because my wife was still in it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you blow up a police station?
Bacon bits
I came up with this joke 15 years ago when I was a d**... teen.. maybe in poor taste with everything going on but thought I'd share.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a police station and says "Help, Ive bee r**... by a consultant"
The policeman on duty says "Consultant? thats pretty specific. Do you know him?"
The woman replies "No I dont know him"
The policeman asks "Then how do you know he's a consultant?"
The woman answers "Because he kept his jacket on and made me do all the work"
Why did the police chief hate going into the basement?
Because it was beneath his station.
:P
Two black men and two white men walk into a police station
The two white men walk out.
Source: new girl
The police station installed "Safe Spots" for Craigslist sales...
Which is great because I always met in a park under a tree but it always seemed so shady.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking v**... from a coffee cup while driving.
They took a mug shot.
Police Shooting
A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her
I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm
The local police station got broke into today and they stole all the toilets...
The police have got nothing to go on
Man still not caught after stealing police station toilets.
Officers say they have nothing to go on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 Woman go drinking...
after a lot of drinks they decide to head home but on the way realise they have to use a bathroom but as its late there is no one to be found.
So both decided to head for the local cementary...as they had nothing to wipe, the first woman decides to sacrifice her p**....
The second one had really expensive p**... so she just grabbed a ribbon from a nearby grave and both head home.
The next morning both husbands meet:
"This has to stop, my wife came home without p**...!"
"You think THAT is bad? Mine had a pice of ribbon in hers that reads "from all of us at the police station - we will never forget you.""
A man walks into a police station
with his head profusely bleeding.
Officer: What Happened
Man: My Wife hit me in the head
Officer: Why..??
Man: Her parents came over unexpectedly, so she asked me to go and get them something.
Officer: And..??
Man: I got them a taxi
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into the police station.
Man: I saw your flier outside.
Officer: The "wanted for m**..." flier?
Man: Yes, and I'd like to apply.
Mum, I'm at the police station.
Mum: It's been three years since you've been an officer. When are you going to stop with this joke?
Hospital and Cop
*In class*
Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"
Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."
Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"
Jay: "Yes, please."
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and his mother at the hospital?"
Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was a kid, I found a bottle of v**... someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.
The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.
A man calls the police station to report a house robbery
Man: an Asian man just broke into my house and took my wife's jewelry!
Operator: how do you know he is Asian?
Man: he's still trying to back out of my driveway!
A Blonde hear a "thud" on the ground
Too her surprise, it was a wallet. She decided to do the right thing and turn it in to the police.
After arriving at the police station, the Blonde says,'I'm here to turn in someone's lost wallet.' The officer thanked the Blonde for her deeds and the Blonde returns to her home.
The next day, a package arrived in the mailbox with a wallet inside. The Blonde responds with, ' Thank god someone found my wallet, I must've dropped it while walking yesterday.'
I saw a couple guys selling contraband Irish liquor infront of a police station...
I thought: "That's a whiskey buisness"
A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Just the other day, I stopped at the gas station where I always stop after work. There were police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, etc everywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 north korean farmers were working in a field
When all of a sudden they spot 2 grenades in the rice p**... up ahead.
Farmer 1: let us take the grenades to the police in a car
Farmer 2: what if one of them explodes while we are on the way to the police station?
Farmer 1: we tell the police that we found only 1
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman runs into a police station and shouts, "Help, I've been graped!"
The officer on duty replies, "Do you mean r**...?"
"No there were a bunch of them"
A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.
The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."
Police officer approaches a drunk man urinating on the street late at night and said.
"Sir, you'll have to accompany me to the police station" the drunk guy responded with a grunt "Jeez! You became a police officer, and still afraid of walking in the dark? Okay I'll walk you home, but don't tell anyone"
A proton walks into the police station.
He says, "Someone stole my electron!"
The police ask, "Are you sure?"
The proton says, "I'm positive!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a police station
"help I have been graped" she says
A police officer then says "don't you mean r**...?"
The woman then replies "no, there was a bunch of them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police Station Intelligence Test
Apologies if this has been posted before \(I searched, albeit not a lot\). My physics teacher in college told me this one:
They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes.
It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very s**... ones and very strong ones.
Harvey Weinstein just turned himself in to the police station:
Police Chief: "I understand your intentions, but please pull up your pants"...
A man walks into a police station to report the disappearance of his wife...
After taking down the details, the sergeant says, *"Don't worry sir, we'll find her. Is there any message you want us to give her?"*
*"Just one,"* he replied. *"Please tell her my mother decided not to come after all!"*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mother wanted to find her idiot son a job
Mother wanted to find her idiot son a job, and of course the police station was the first location to try.
She said "My son is a real idiot, he would be a great policeman". The chief looked at him and said "I, don't know.. doesn't seem that dumb to me..."
The mother turned to her son and told him: "Sweetie, go look for mommy outside".
The son went outside and returned in five minutes saying "Mom, there's no mom outside".
The policeman laughed and said "Ha! What an idiot! He could have just looked out through the window!"
A young boy goes to the police station
- Good morning, officer! Is this the lost & found office?
- Yes, it is. - Says the officer. - Why, what was lost?
- Me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My local police station were looking for a r**...
I gave them my resume but they didn't accept me
An american tourist was robbed in China, he went to police station to report robbery, the officer asked can you identify the robber
He said ''i can't tell for sure but he's someone in this room''.
A man goes to the police station...
- Please, help me! My daughter is lost!
- What's her name?
- Hope.
-That's impossible...Hope is the last thing you lose.
Just got back from the police station.
Got arrested last night for punching someone.
It's not my fault though, when you hear a Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
I got a call from the local police station this morning, they said they want to interview me...
i don't remember applying for a job there
So there are three brothers, one called manners , one called trouble and one called shut up
One day they were playing hide and seek and shut up was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.
They looked for hours and still couldn't find him, so eventually they went to the police station.
Manners was shy so he stayed outside, but shut up went in to talk to an officer.
Officer: Hello young man what's your name?
Shut up: Shut up
Officer: how rude!!! Where are your manners?!?
Shut up: waiting outside
Officer: and what are you doing here then?
Shut up: I'm looking for trouble
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous b**... harm...
Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...
A crazy guy went inside a police station
A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As for a non-Dad joke....not for sensitive types
A woman runs into a police station yelling "Grape! Grape! Grape!"
The policeman says "Don't you mean r**...?"
"No" she replied, "There were a bunch of them".
