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Police Man Jokes

56 police man jokes and hilarious police man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about police man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Police Man Short Jokes

Short police man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The police man humour may include short policeman jokes also.

  1. A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
    It was a brief case.
  2. I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
  3. How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. "He fell".
  4. I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault.. The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  5. An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
    the officer replies "for drinking"
    The man replies "great, when do we start?"
  6. A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police.. He's probably part of an extreme mist group
  7. A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said 'it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck' I said 'I know'
  8. What happens when you shoot a black man? You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
  9. A Police officer knocks on the door and says to the man I'm sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend's been hit by a truck. The man replied, Yeah, but she has a great personality
  10. I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

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Police Man One Liners

Which police man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with police man? I can suggest the ones about police officer and police dog.

  1. I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
  2. I shot a black man and got caught I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.
  3. What do you call an angry police man? Beats me.
  4. Why was the police man in bed? He was an undercover cop
  5. A man was found dead in vat of ground chickpeas. Police are considering it a hummus-cide.
  6. Police Officer: Man, are you high? Me: Am I what?
    Police Officer: High
    Me: Hello
  7. A black man and his latino friend are in a car. Who's driving? The police.
  8. Why did the police man arrest the duck. Because he was selling quack.
  9. A man was found dead on his chicken farm. I heard the police suspect fowl play.
  10. I asked a police man if I could pee on his wrist. He said Not on my watch
  11. What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep? "He's resisting a rest!"
  12. Police man: come out with your hands up! Guy: *sticks hands up* I'm gay!
  13. Man I wish I was an American police officer. I would kill for a holiday right now
  14. Police hunting a man for indecent assault. Applications close next week.
  15. I once saw the police running after a man in his underwear It was a brief chase.

Playful Police Man Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about police man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean police car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make police man pranks.

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together

A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"

A police man spots a blond driving a car and knitting at the same time.

He gets her to roll down her window.
Pull over he yells. No silly she replies it's a scarf !

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police.

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police. They find 3 sacks and hide in them. The police man approaches the sacks and kicks the first one. The English man barks like a dog. The police man kicks the next one and the Scottish man screams like a cat. The policeman kicks the next one and the Irish man says "sack of potatoes".

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

Heisenberg & Schrodinger

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding along in Schrodinger's car, a police man pulls them over and asks the driver, Heisenberg, if he knows how fast he was going, to this Heisenberg replies
"I do not know how fast I was going, because I know exactly where I am"
After this weird answer the policeman decides to search the car, he opens the boot and asks if Schrodinger knows he has a dead cat in his boot, Schrodinger says "Well I do now"

A police man finds a couple sitting in the park late night.

Suprised , he asks them what they are doing there .
The man replies that they both are married.
' Then why don't you go home and spend some time there together ? ' the cop asked.
The man replies ' Yeah , but who the h**... would convince my wife to allow her ? '

A police man stopped a man with a laser pointer.

Policeman: Sir, what's the power on that laser you have there?
Man: 75.
Policeman: 75 what?
Man: Yep.

Police in cemetery

A helicopter crashed into a cemetery, police managed to find 727 victims.

What did the police man say when he arrested the remote control that beat up his wife?

'I charge you with battery'

A man has been arrested after trying to rob a bank using underpants as a mask

The police managed to arrest him after a quick debriefing.

What's blue and sits on the toilet?

A police man doing his duty.

I was told to move, so I started to dance.

The police man then towed my car.

What's the difference between a proactive and a reactive american police man?

The reactive one shoots after the unarmed guy tells him he has no gun.

A police man pulled over a miner.

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do.
Miner: mine

What do you call a police man in bed?

Undercover police man

A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem."
The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?"
The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?"
She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"

Mind Your Own Business

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

What did the British Police man say when he found his wife bed with three men?

'allo 'allo 'allo!

If a police man shoots a black guy and no one's around to see it...

Does CNN still make a sound?

The Man and his pet.

A man is driving down the road and a police man patrolling notices something strange and stops him. He noticed a penguin sitting in the passenger seat.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I think you should take your friend there to the zoo."
Man: "Of course sir!"
The mans drives off.
The next day, the police man is patrolling the same road and sees the man again, noticing the penguin still in the passenger seat, he stops the car once again.
Police man: "Excuse me sir, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."
Man: "I did, he really enjoyed it, we're going to the beach today!"

Why did the police man bust the p**...?

He wanted to COP a feel.

Are you looking for trouble?!

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

A police man stops a car and sees a nerdy little man sitting at the wheel...

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a u**... sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Driving a brand new Bugatti

A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"

A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No my son. Why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh my son, that's just holy water."
"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all my son."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Father, this is wine."
The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

A stranger and two penguins.

A man was walking down the street with two penguins following behind him. A police man sees this, thinks it's a bit strange, pulls over and says to the guy.
Cop 'hey, where did you get those two penguins from'?
Guy 'they aren't mine, they have just been following me all day'.
Cop 'those are exotic animals. Do me a favour take them both up to the zoo'.
The man agrees he will. The next day the cop is driving down the same street and he sees the same guy, still with two penguins following behind him. He pulls over again and says.
Cop 'hey! I thought I told you yesterday to take those two penguins to the zoo'!
Guy 'I did. I'm taking them to the cinema today'.

so the hunchback of notre dame died yesterday

and so today they are looking for a new guy to ring the bell.So they interviewed a few guys until the very last one but they were shocked to see he had no arms or legs so they asked "how are you going to ring the bell". He said "easy ill use my head" so they hired him and the next day he rang the bell with his head. But he fell off and died and everyone crowded around him and asked "anyone know him" and a "police man said no but his face sure rings a bell".

The more you read, the better it gets.

A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"
The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."
The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's s**... when he's drunk."
This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a s**t.
So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a s**t in his hat.
He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it.
He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man.
He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.
The guy said, "It's a hurt bird."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."
The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."
The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."
The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."
They kept that up for about five minutes.
Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. "Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!"
The guy said, "Alright." And he slowly removed his hand.
The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of s**t and asked the man, "What is this?"
The man replied, "You scared the s**t out of the bird."

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.
One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.
One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.
Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.
Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Playing a game," the boy replied.
"What is your name?" the officer questioned.
"Mind Your Own Business."
Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

jokes about police man