JokoJokes

Police Jokes

176 police jokes and hilarious police puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about police that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

With police departments all over the world, it can be hard to know what to expect. From the classic police officer jokes, to the bravery on the front lines, to the silliness of police dog jokes, we've compiled a collection of police jokes from around the world. Whether you need a humorous police retirement speech or a couple of sirens-worthy police vs firefighter gags, this collection of jokes is sure to please any police man or woman. So, get ready to chuckle over police cars, pig jokes and donuts, and enjoy these police jokes!

Funniest Police Short Jokes

Short police jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The police humour may include short cops jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
  2. Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
  3. The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
    I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  4. My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
  5. A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
    It was a brief case.
  6. The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
  7. What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
  8. Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
  9. Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
  10. I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...
    I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
    He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

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Police One Liners

Which police one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with police? I can suggest the ones about law enforcement and patrol.

  1. What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U
  2. Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
  3. Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.
  4. I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.
  5. What caused The Black Death? The police.
  6. I hate people that take drugs.. Especially police and customs.
  7. I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
  8. A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
  9. The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
  10. I shot a black teenager the other day I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  11. Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd
  12. If a psychic dwarf is evading the police... Does that make him a small medium at large?
  13. A hole was found in a nudist camp wall The police are now looking into it.
  14. Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift? Because they hate Police reform.
  15. Why did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.

Police Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny police officer jokes and even better police officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
  • I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
  • Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?"
    Police officer: "yes, your son"
  • A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
  • The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
  • "Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
    "Oh, I didn't know."
    "It's on the house, officer."
  • How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. "He fell".
  • Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber He died last week
    surrounded by his family
  • "We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given." I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
  • Why do police officers wear blue? Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

Police Man Jokes

Here is a list of funny police man jokes and even better police man puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault.. The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  • An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
    the officer replies "for drinking"
    The man replies "great, when do we start?"
  • A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police.. He's probably part of an extreme mist group
  • I shot a black man and got caught I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.
  • A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said 'it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck' I said 'I know'
  • What happens when you shoot a black man? You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
  • A Police officer knocks on the door and says to the man I'm sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend's been hit by a truck. The man replied, Yeah, but she has a great personality
  • I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"
  • Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus". Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".
  • A police man spots a blond driving a car and knitting at the same time. He gets her to roll down her window.
    Pull over he yells. No silly she replies it's a scarf !
Police joke, A police man spots a blond driving a car and knitting at the same time.

Police Car Jokes

Here is a list of funny police car jokes and even better police car puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?
    Mom: Frida
    Officer: Last name?
    Mom: Gomam
    Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
    And my mom hit the accelerator.
  • A car is pulled over by the police.... "Is there a problem officer?"
    Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
    "Well I had 8 beers officer,"
    Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive
  • If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
  • What video game system do police officers play in their cars? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...
  • I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car... I clearly called shotgun.
  • WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect
  • The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
    They charged one and let the other one off.
  • Why do Boston police cars have blue lights? Because Boston drivers don't stop for red lights.
  • A man has been stealing wheels of police cars Police are working tirelessly to catch him
    Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud
  • Someone has been stealing the wheels from local cop cars The police are working tirelessly to catch them.

Pulled By Police Jokes

Here is a list of funny pulled by police jokes and even better pulled by police puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Every N.W.A song Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!
    Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown.
  • A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself" So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"
  • I got pulled over today for going 112 mph in a 55 mph zone. The police officer said "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
    I promptly replied "Well I got here as fast as I could!"
  • A quantum physicist gets pulled over. The police officer asks "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The quantum physicist responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."
  • The driver & Police Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

    Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
  • Police pulled McConnell over when they heard he was a minority leader.
  • I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.
  • A coal miner is driving to work one day. He gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks, who's car is this? Where are you going? What do you do for a living?
    The man responds "mine"
  • I was pulled over by the police today, so I whipped out my nine millimetre... After they stopped laughing, they arrested me for indecent exposure.
  • Last night I was driving home when I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record. Apparently 'Roxanne' wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. My court date is in a couple of weeks.

Police Retirement Speech Jokes

Here is a list of funny police retirement speech jokes and even better police retirement speech puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A retired police officer passed away. The chief of police... made a speech at the f**... and said may he arrest in peace
Police joke, A retired police officer passed away. The chief of police...

Heartwarming Police Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about police you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean officer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make police pranks.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Wife Missing

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence. 

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

My c**... Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having s**... with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.

An Apple store near where I live got robbed

$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. m**... 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

There was a b**... in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

Two Police officers.

Two police officers c**... their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

A German got pulled over by the police in France

*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter p**... at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

The police say that they burn all the w**... they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?

They wouldn't know who to shoot

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

I've been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?

Police think it is race-related

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.
Policeman: I don't give a d**... who you know.

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Police joke, A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

jokes about police