The Best 69 Police Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Police jokes. There are some police policewoman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these police police officer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Police Jokes and Puns
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room
He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
I got pulled over by the police ...
He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.
The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
Two priests are out driving one day..
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
A man gets pulled over by the police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
What caused The Black Death?
The police.
You can explore police detective reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean police dispatch dad jokes. There are also police puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old
The police are pretty upset about it.
A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
A woman goes into a pharmacy
She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."
Police are like a box of chocolates....
They'll kill your dog.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?
A seasoned veteran.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.
He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
Two Police officers.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
I got arrested for killing a black man.
They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
None. "He fell".
Bumped into my ex today...
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
"Uniformed police eat free you say?"
"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."
[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first
Me or the police.
I hate people that take drugs..
Especially police and customs.
Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.
Police think it was race related.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?
They wouldn't know who to shoot
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers?
I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully
Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber
He died last week
surrounded by his family
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"
Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son"
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
The show "COPS" is no longer filmed
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?
Because they had to go home and change first.
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:
- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Policeman: You're going to prison for forgery.
Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?
My wife has been missing for over a week.
The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Police have confirmed today that the man who fell from a night club roof.
Was not a bouncer.
I nearly fell into a really deep pit. I informed the police about it.
They said they would look into it.
If a psychic dwarf is evading the police...
Does that make him a small medium at large?
Breaking News: Legal alien lived a lavish lifestyle for years by impersonating music icon Sting.
Today he finally turned himself into the police.
UnPC Definitions of Heaven and Hell
Heaven is where the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, the businessmen/bankers are Jewish, the police are Irish and the mechanics are German.
Hell is where the cooks are Irish, the lovers are Jewish, the mechanics are French, the businessmen/bankers are Italian, and the police are German.
How did the hacker get away from the police?
He ransomware
I recently took up fencing.
The neighbors said they will call the police if I don't put it back.
A man has been admitted to hospital after being shot with a starter pistol.
Police think it's race related.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the police police academy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working police police knock knock piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.