Police Jokes
175 police jokes and hilarious police puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about police that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
With police departments all over the world, it can be hard to know what to expect. From the classic police officer jokes, to the bravery on the front lines, to the silliness of police dog jokes, we've compiled a collection of police jokes from around the world. Whether you need a humorous police retirement speech or a couple of sirens-worthy police vs firefighter gags, this collection of jokes is sure to please any police man or woman. So, get ready to chuckle over police cars, pig jokes and donuts, and enjoy these police jokes!
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Funniest Police Short Jokes
Short police jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The police humour may include short cops jokes also.
- What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
- Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case. - The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
- What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
- Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
- Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
- Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
- Police have arrested the world tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
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Police One Liners
Which police one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with police? I can suggest the ones about law enforcement and patrol.
- What's the police's favorite gaming console? WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U
- Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
- Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog.
- I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.
- What caused The Black Death? The police.
- A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
- The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
- Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift? Because they hate Police reform.
- Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
- Police were called to a day care Toddler was resisting a rest.
- What do you call colorful secret police? The RGB
- Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me! Police officer: That's a salt!
- what do you call a police officer with an IQ of 160? Fired.
- Why do they bury police officers 6ft under. Because deep down they are good people.
- Why couldn't the Italian explain himself to the police? He was handcuffed.
Police Officer Jokes
Here is a list of funny police officer jokes and even better police officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
- Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son" - A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
- "Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer." - Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber He died last week
surrounded by his family - "We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given." I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
- Why do police officers wear blue? Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.
- Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms? Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.
- JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....
....beat the crowd.
- What's the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer? The velociraptor can open doors.
Police Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny police man jokes and even better police man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?" - A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police.. He's probably part of an extreme mist group
- A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said 'it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck' I said 'I know'
- I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"
- Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man... Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.
- A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe. When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said 'Narnia business'.
- A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street. He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
- A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you're on drugs…" To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"
- I told my date that a man like me is hard to find, and she didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
- A man has been stealing wheels of police cars Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud
Police Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny police car jokes and even better police car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A police officer stopped my mom's car. Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator. - If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
- What video game system do police officers play in their cars? Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...
- I don't get why I just got seated in the back of the police car... I clearly called shotgun.
- WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect
- Why do Boston police cars have blue lights? Because Boston drivers don't stop for red lights.
- What sound does a Nintendo police car make? Wii-U Wii-U Wii-U
- Two mexicans are in a car. Who drives? The police officer
- A Car full of bank robbers has crashed into a cement truck yesterday while evading police … The police are now searching for hardened criminals.
- Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them? In Watts.
I'll see myself out now.
Pulled By Police Jokes
Here is a list of funny pulled by police jokes and even better pulled by police puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Every N.W.A song Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!
Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown. - A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself" So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"
- The driver & Police Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me." - Police pulled McConnell over when they heard he was a minority leader.
- I got pulled over by the Grammar Police. The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.
- Last night I was driving home when I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record. Apparently 'Roxanne' wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. My court date is in a couple of weeks.
- Police officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as
confused as you are. - I got pulled over by the police last night They asked me where I was between 6 and 11. I told them I was in grade school.
- I got pulled over by a lady police.. When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, then she replied "NOTHING"
- A police officer pulled me over. "Hello, there!" I said.
He said, "Sir, I'm almost certain I can smell alcohol on your breath. About 95%"
I said, "Correction, whiskey is about 40%"
Heartwarming Police Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about police you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean officer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make police pranks.
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...
He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.
In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over
"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My c**... Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?
They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I shot a Black Man the other day
I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
An Apple store near where I live got robbed
$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. m**... 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a knock at my door.
I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for m**....
I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."
"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"
I said, "Because you might find the c**...."
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Police officers.
Two police officers c**... their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
Bumped into my ex today...
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the m**... of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed s**....
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.
At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The police say that they burn all the w**... they confiscate...
That would explain the doughnuts...
Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?
They wouldn't know who to shoot
When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully
Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"
Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."
Me: "Police identify yourself"
Trooper: "State Police"
Me: "Police"
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
I've been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
My wife crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?
Police think it is race-related
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
Solid, liquid and gas
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me The son wrote back: Dad don't even think of
digging the field because that's where I buried the money I stole
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug
by police looking for the money but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again:
Now plant your potatoes dad; it's the best I can do from here.
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark
Any darker and the police might actually do something about it
