Police And Thief Jokes

46 police and thief jokes and hilarious police and thief puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about police and thief that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Police And Thief Short Jokes

Short police and thief jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The police and thief humour may include short car thief jokes also.

  1. My stolen card Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
    Me : The thief was spending less than my wife
  2. Today I came out to find my bicycle was gone I called the police and within a matter of hours they had tracked down the thief, He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.
  3. Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
  4. Over the past few months I've lost 200 pounds! Luckily, the police found the thief and returned my money
  5. Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets, Police say they have nothing to go on.
  6. Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief? Because he didn't think he could see it through.
  7. A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall... The police found him by following the blueprints.
  8. Why didn't the guy call the police when his credit card was stolen? Because the thief spent less than his wife.
  9. Dad, why haven't you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen? Shut up boy!
    That thief spends way less than your mother
  10. a man goes to the police: "Can I see the thief who robbed me last night?"
    "Why do you want to do that?"
    "He has to tell me how did he get inside the house without waking up my wife."

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Police And Thief One Liners

Which police and thief one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with police and thief? I can suggest the ones about cops and robbers and police man.

  1. A thief stole a toilet from the police station. At this point they have nothing to go on.
  2. What did the police officer say to the pig thief? Come out with your hams up!
  3. Police on lookout for Starbucks thief Suspect is still at veinte
  4. Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect
  5. There was a thief in my local library... When the police arrived he started booking it
  6. Stationary Thief Hits Police Headquarters: Police say they can't rule anything out.
  7. I reported my bike stolen, now the thief can't use it anymore. Since the police is on it.

Police And Thief Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about police and thief you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean robber jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make police and thief pranks.

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.
At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means to lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of the fire.
The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.
The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

The policeman tells Johny at the police station following:

The thief who wanted to steal your wallet has got: a broken nose, three broken ribs, a concussion of the brain and he misses a bunch of his hair at the back of his head."Please, tell me Johny, how much money did you have in your wallet?"
Johny: "Only three euros."
The policeman: "Goodness! I suppose that if you would have ten euros in your wallet, the thief would probably not survive your self-defense-trial."

A young boy asks his father if gardeners' thumbs are really green

The father says, "No, son, it's just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief's hands aren't really red, they are black like normal.

An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

A thief stole my wife's credit card,

I let him keep it Because he spends less than my wife does, I said to the police officer,
The officer says, then how come you are reporting it to me a year later,
I said "because the theif's wife started to use it"

What happened to the thief in Paris who jumped into the river to try to escape the police?

He was found criminally in Seine.

The real threat

Police officer: Sir, I don't understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?
Guy: The thief wasn't spending nearly as much as my wife used to…
Police officer: But why report it now?
Guy: I think the thief's wife got hold of it now.

When the police finally arrested the notorious porch thief...

...the first thing they did was read him his Veranda rights.


Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.
8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:
Thief 1: Hey man!! It's been a long time!
Thief 2: Yeah it sure has been long.
T1: What did you get in your sack?
T2: I sure struck gold! I found lots of $500 bills.... I bought a new mansion, married, donated some to charity and put the rest in the bank. Life is amazing! What about you?
T1: I found bills in my sack too.
T2: What did you do with the money?
T1: I'm trying to pay them off one by one......

There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.

The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.
When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

The stolen credict card

"My wife got her credit card stolen last week"
"That s**..., have you reported it to the police?"
"No, cause the thief actually uses it less than my wife"

How is a chinese thief called?

Chinese How hot is the thief?
What Chinese cop?
Tooth imagines.
That the Chinese police dogs?
Tooth imagines that dealer.
What's hut by the Chinese police dogs?
Long Fing that dealer tooth construction.

What did the police officer say to the failed porta p**... thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!


Police: Why did you not report the stolen card immediately?
Guy: Actually, the thief was spending less money than my wife.
Police: So, why are you reporting now?
Guy: I think, now the thief's wife has the card.

[Police Station] Me: I want to talk to the thief who broke into my house last night Police: Why do you want to talk to him?

Me: I just want to know how he got into my house without waking up my wife. I've been trying it for years

A thief steals trigonometric functions sin and cos.

A thief steals trigonometric functions sin and cos, the police are now after him, he goes to a beach and digs up some mud, he first puts sin over cos but he doesn't want tan so he puts cos over sin and gets cot by police.

*Police chasing after a thief*

Police officer: STOP!
Thief: s**...! I can't run any further.
Police officer: Sounds like you need... arrest!

The thief

A shop assistant calls the police saying:
Officer, the same guy who stole stuff from the warehouse yesterday is in my store!
Alright, make sure you close off every exit. We'll be there as soon as possible!
10 minutes pass, and the agents arrive at the store seeing the man has escaped.
Didn't I tell you to close off every exit?!
To which the assistant replies:
Yes I did, but he escaped through the entrance!

Joke my ADHD brain thought of out of nowhere

So the Hogwarts police confiscated a coffee cup suspecting it of dangerous enchantments. Turns out the police that grabbed it drank a bit too much butterbeer. It was just a normal coffee cup that belonged to some arrogant human thief.

It was a smug muggle mugger's mug.

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.
Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.
Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the case tirelessly.