Poli Jokes
128 poli jokes and hilarious poli puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about poli that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh? Check out some of the best poli jokes. From puns about tics, nouns and bloodsucking, these ganda hendathi poli jokes will have you in stitches. Get your daily dose of humor with these hilarious poli sci jokes.
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Funniest Poli Short Jokes
Short poli jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The poli humour may include short noun jokes also.
- We use a very accurate term to describe our government. Politics, poly meaning many, and ticks meaning bloodsucking creatures.
- Mjölnir could be picked up by Thor, Vision, and Captain America Does that make it poly-hammer-us?
- The etymology of the word "politics" is surprisingly accurate. "poly" meaning "many", and tics meaning "small bloodsucking parasites."
- A circle accidentally shot a square... his triangle buddy said, "Well, i guess he's poly-gone."
- What does an Australian chemist call is bro? Bromate
Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong - My friend told me she's majoring in being disappointed and almost getting what she wants She's the only poly-sigh major I've met so far
- What did the parrot say when he didn't have his lunch? Poly-no-meal
Sorry for the nerdy math joke. - I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself. "Poli-" meaning "many",
"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites." - Eisenstein is famous in Science for breaking the norms and making them rewrite the textbooks. So, Trump must be the Eisenstein of Poli Sci.
- Marvel is making a "Winter Soldier" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the "Summer Sausage"
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Poli One Liners
Which poli one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with poli? I can suggest the ones about poly and etymology.
- If poli=many and tics are small bloodsucking animals The world makes so much sense
- What do you call an old lady in an open relationship? A poly Esther.
- What did the fabric manufacturer name his two daughters? Poly and Esther
- Why does a queen bee have so many mates? Their survival relies on their poly-nation.
- How can you chart all the lies your parrot tells? A poly graph.
- What kind of parasite do Senators have? Poli-ticks.
- Why did the quadratic equation get so many Tinder matches? It's poly
- There are four types of ticks. . . . Wood ticks.
Deer ticks.
Lyme ticks.
Poli-ticks. - What do you call a plastic elf? Poly-mer
- What do you call a tea blend that was deceptive about its ingredients? A poly tea sham.
- What is it called when your parrot flies away Poly-gon
- What do you call a group of non-monogamous bloodsucking government workers? Poly-ticks.
- What do you call a crapload of bloodsucking creatures in the government? Poly-tics
- What's the most viral business model? MONO-poly
- Why are Roly Polys dangerous for your health? You can catch Roly Polio.
Howlingly Hilarious Poli Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about poli you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean define jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make poli pranks.
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
The police vs the senior citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.
Totally sick of idiots letting firework off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!
Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
A police officer was directing traffic.
A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
Did you know it's now politically incorrect to say 'black paint'?
Now you have to say "Jerome can you please paint the fence".
A policeman and a prisoner play chess.
The policeman beats him.
The police finally catch a notorious criminal,
so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
A police officer pulls a guy over.....
and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Polish joke
A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb p**... by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:
"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."
The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb p**...!".
Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"
The counterman says "This is a hardware store."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone's so politically correct these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore. You have to say "Tyrone, would you kindly paint my fence?"
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.
Why do all polish names end in ski?
Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."
Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."
A Politician wanted to build a bridge
A Politician wanted to build a bridge.
So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.
The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.
He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."
The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."
Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He replies, "9 Million Dollars."
Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"
To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."
The police was talking on the radio
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
When Police Knock On Your Door
Police: Knock Knock
Me: Who is it?
Police: its the Police.
Me: What do you want?
Police: We just wanna talk
Me: How many of you are there?
Police: 2
Me: Then talk to each other.
A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you're on drugs…"
To which the man responds, "I'm on drugs?!? You're the only talking to a dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police report: There was a robbery in the s**... shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Political correctness gone mad.
I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."
What do the Police and Pokémon have in common?
They gotta catch 'Jamal
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
a new last name
A police officer sees a kid on the street..
He says, "Its getting late kid, shouldn't you be getting back to the orphanage?"
Kid says, "I guess so, what gave me away?"
"Your parents did."
It may not be "politically correct" to say this...
...but there are over one million U.S Senators.
Police are like a box of chocolates....
They'll kill your dog.
A Polish man calls 911
And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The police seem to be making up the law as they go along
I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
Politician (noun):
Someone who will lay down your life for his country.
A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"
So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.
He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Politicians are like s**.....
one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Police officers.
Two police officers c**... their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:
Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.
How Politics Really Works
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "Okay."
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said, "Okay.
This is exactly how politics works.
Political correctness has reached the level of absurdity
For example, we can't say brown paint. Instead we should say "please paint that wall, Jose"
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
Police were called to a day care
Toddler was resisting a rest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The policeman asked me why I keep beating my wife...
I told him I have a longer reach and superior footwork.
Why was the police man in bed?
He was an undercover cop
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
'What's up?' says the driver.
'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,' says the policeman.
'Thank goodness for that,' says the driver. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
Why do police officers wear blue?
Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the m**... of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Politics is like driving
No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a m**....
Not all UK politicians will cry tonight
but Theresa May
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.
At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do the Politsiya (Russian federal agency) always go around in groups of three?
One can read, one can write, and one keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why aren't the police making any neo-n**... arrests in m**... cases?
There's no dental records and all the DNA matches
A police officer stopped my mom's car.
Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.
Police: How'd you kill 30 people?
Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the parade.
What does a politician have in common with a pornstar?
Both are experts in changing positions in front of a camera.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)
A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a m**...!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said m**...', you certainly meant the Czar!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The police say that they burn all the w**... they confiscate...
That would explain the doughnuts...
The police recently complimented me on my driving
They left a note on my windscreen which stated Parking Fine
A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.
He sits down and drinks coffee.
Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers?
I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that's long and hard?
His last name
A policeman said he wanted to search my car.
"You won't find any drugs," I told him.
He said, "You don't sound sure about that."
I said, "Trust me, I looked earlier."
Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..
Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two police officers walk into a crime scene.
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Police Officer took my w**..., but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.
I was awarded Joint Custody.
Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"
Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police have warned of a man in craft stores dipping his t**... in glitter.
It's pretty nuts.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?
3 different answers
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police are looking for a man selling m**... to birds.
Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
Solid, liquid and gas
Why can't politicians get insurance?
Too much lie-ability.
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulls a man over
"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.
"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.
The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."
"Sir, the police doesn't have b**....", the officer says.
There is a moment of silence, and then the officer just hands the civilian his documentation, goes back to his car and drives away.
Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?
Because they had to go home and change first.
