pole Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pole puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

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What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?

So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

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Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

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There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

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The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

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A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

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What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

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Why did Donald Trump watch the olympics?

To see how high the mexicans pole vaulters can jumpο»Ώ

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As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

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A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks β€žCan you read this?

β€žRead it? , the Pole replies, β€žI know the guy!

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Daddy, what's it like being drunk?

A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"

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Call me a racist if you want, but the other side of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a twenty-foot pole.

I'm so fucking glad I live in Canada.

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Two elves walk into Santa's office.

Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa.
"Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop."
Gary asks, "Well Santa, are there any elf nuns working any where in the compound?" Santa checks a list then says, "I'm sorry, but there are no elf nuns working in the coumpound."
Gary looks at Larry and asks, "Santa, are there any elf nuns in the North Pole at all?" Santa looks at his list for a few minutes and says, "I'm sorry Gary, but there aren't any elf nuns in the North Pole."
Larry finally busts out laughing and says, "See? I knew you fucked a penguin!"

'Tis the season for giving, post your best holiday joke!

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A Mexican man was visiting America.

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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2 engineers v/s a Blonde

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go

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"So JosΓ©, how was America?"

"Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind. I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out. Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole baseball diamond with the players getting ready for the game."

"You had to watch from a flag pole? I thought you said the Americans were nice."

"Oh they are amigo! Before the game began every American stood up, looked right at me, and hollered, "JosΓ©, can you see?"

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Found this joke online thought I'd share it

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

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42% of strippers are working their way through college

According to the latest pole

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A Pole, a German and a Russian go to prison...

A Pole, a German and a Russian are sent to prison. They each receive a 50-year sentence with no parole. The guard, when putting them in their cells, shows mercy on them and offers to give each of them a small supply of their favourite things to occupy their times. The Pole picks a collection of books by his favourite author, the German picks a case of strong beer, and the Russian picks a huge pack of cigarettes. After the 50 years pass, the guard checks on his prisoners. The Pole thanks the guard for allowing him to gain knowledge in his time, the German complains that he ran out of alcohol a week into his sentence, and the Russian asks the guard for a lighter.

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Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

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At the Olympics

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

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Little Susie

Little Susie came home from school one day and shouted "Mom! Mom! I made $5 today!" Her mother asked "How did you do that, Little Susie?" Little Susie said "I was walking home from school when a man offered me $5 to climb a pole!" Her mother was appalled and said "Little Susie, don't do that! That man just wanted to get a look at your underwear!"

The next day, Little Susie came home from school and shouted "Mom! Mom! I made $5 today!" Her mother angrily said "Little Susie! What did I tell you about that? That man just wants to look at your underwear!" Little Susie smiled and said "But mom I tricked him... I wasn't wearing any underwear."

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I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

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Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

β€” Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

β€” Told you it was the ground.

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Best read out loud

I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

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Guy passes a buff guy on the street and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"

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A man is riding in the back of a taxi...

and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"

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A boy offers a girl $100 to climb a pole

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $200 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

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Olympics, the new tower of Babel

The German Olympian

I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
He said "No, I'm German...
and how do you know my name?"

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Two Electricians Are Working On A Telephone Pole

As they're working, an old woman walks by them. The first electrician calls out "Ma'am! Can you move that wire aside for us?"

She replies "Oh yes, deary", as she picks up the wire and moves it out of the sidewalk and strolls off.

The second electrician says to the first "I told you it wasn't live, moron."

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I met an olympic athlete yesterday...

'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked.

'No' He replied. 'I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?'

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A boy meets a girl outside a school:

The boy says to the girl: "I bet you 10$ you can't climb up half this flag pole!". The girl replied: "Sure I can!", and so she did and received her money. The girl got home and her father asked where she got the money. She explained and he told her that the boy had just wanted to see her underwear. The next day she meets the same boy at the flag pole. "I bet you 20$ you can't climb up the whole pole and touch the top!". The girl took the bet, touched the top and received her money. The boy Walked away with a huge smile on his face. When the girl got home her father saw that she was holding even more money today than she did the day before: "Did you let that boy trick you again?" he asked. "I most certainly did not! I was the one that tricked him actually!". "And how did you do that?" her father replied. "Well, today I wasn't wearing any underwear!

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Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.

My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud during the planning "Wait, then how did they get pregnant?"

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Two men are staring at a pole.

After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at.
One of them says, " We are trying to determine the height of the pole."
So the blonde quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a measuring tape, measures the distance between the two ends, tells it to the two men and walks away.

After hearing this one man tells the other, "What an idiot! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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Polish immigrant

A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.

He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."

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Jose visits America.

Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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Apparently, it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racia or ethnic minority, so here goes!:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Belgian, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

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A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.

Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top and takes a seat.

The game is about to begin when a voice comes over the loudspeaker and says "Please rise for the National Anthem". Everyone in the stadium stands up, turns to Jose, puts their hands over their hearts, and sings

"O-OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEE..."

Jose yells back "YES THANK YOU"

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John saw a man walking down the street carrying a very long pole.

He went over to him and asked him "are you a pole vaulter?" The man replied "no, I am German, but how did you know my name?

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Walter.

I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"

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A Polish man calls 911

And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"

The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"

The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"

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A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!ο»Ώ

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Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 sucking it, 1 licking it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one sucking it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think

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At Munich Airport

A young man approaches an Olympic athlete carrying a long pole and asks are you a pole vaulter?

The man clearly annoyed responds no, I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?!

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International train ride to FaceslapVille

A Pole, a Russian, a nun, and a blonde ride the train from Warsaw to Szczebrzeszyn

Suddenly, a tunnel appears and the lights are out.

Then BAM! A faceslap!

Train reemerges from the tunnel and the Russian has a red face

The Nun thinks: "He must've grabbed the thigh of the blonde and got his punishment"

The blonde thinks: "Idiot, he must've mistaken the nun for me and he got slapped"

The Russian thinks: "Cyka Blyat! The Pole must've grabbed the blonde's thigh and she must've mistaken me for him and I got slapped"

The Pole thinks: "I swear, I'll fucking slap him again when we go through another tunnel."

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A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.

The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks "You want this?". The German is thinking "He'll probably want to fuck me for this" and says no. The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks "You want this?". The Polish guy is thinking "He'll probably want to fuck me for this, but hell, I'm a strong guy, I'll just tell him to piss off" and says yes. When he finished eating the Russian asks him:
- Tasty?
- Yes
- A strong guy, aren't you?
- Yes
- Then hold down the German for me

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what is the disease that killed princes diana?

Car pole tunnel syndrome

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I saw a guy walking down the street with a large pole

I asked him, "are you a pole vaulter?"

He replied: "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

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Two Infantry Officers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up....

A technician walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said one officer, 'But we don't have a ladder."
The technician said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
He loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
He then took measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
The second officer shook his head and laughed and said: "Look at this bloody civilian, We needed the height and this fool gave us the length!"

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A Pole went for an eye check up

A Pole went for an eye check up.

The doctor showed the letters on the board:
CXWSNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Pole: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

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Two men are fishing from a bridge...

When one man notices a funeral procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we have been married for forty years."

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Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can pole vault

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Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves?

Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.

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Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

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So, I once went fishing with a fishing pole and brick...

...after some time a hot blonde walked up to me and asked:

-"What are you doing?"

-"Fishing"

-"Ok, I get what the fishing rod is for, but whats up with the brick?"

-"Oh, If you have sex with me, I'll tell you."

She considered for a moment and agreed.

After 2 minutes, when I was done, she asked again:

-"So, now you have to tell me! Whats the brick for?"

-"oh, well... It is easier to fish with the brick."

-"How come?"

-''You are my 4th catch today.''

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What do you call a towering penis?

A scrotum pole.

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Polish Eye Test

A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test and the Optician shows him the test card:

C Z J X
N Y S A
C Z

and asks him: Can you read that?

The Pole says: Read it? I know the prick!

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What do you call a polish guy on a boat?

A fishing pole

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What do you call a terrorist in the North Pole?

An ISISicle!

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Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:

"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"

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A reporter is looking for someone to interview at the Summer Olympics

He sees a man carrying a twelve-foot pole and asks, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

The man replies, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

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My nickname in the North Pole is 'comma'

I had sex with Santa's wife and separated the clauses

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A mute guy goes to a doctor and writes on his notepad "I'm a mute and I wish to speak." The doctor says he can help the guy out...

The doctor instructs the mute guy to drop his pants and stand facing the corner of the room. As the mute does so, he watches the doctor take a long pole out of the closet and attach a guisarme-like blade to the end.
The doctor charges at the guy and rams the pole straight up his ass. The mute cries out "AAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAaaaAAAA!!!!"
And the doctor says "Good. Come back tomorrow, we'll work on 'B.'"

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Noah was feeling bored on the Ark

His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"

Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.

He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.

His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,

"I ran out of worms."

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One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.

A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.

After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!

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Thank God for whoever invented pole vaults

Otherwise we'd all have to keep our poles in safety deposit boxes.

.

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I've searched all over the internet to see if this joke has been mentioned and haven't found anything like it. My grandma told me it a few years before she died so it's a joke I cherish and thought I'd share. She said it was a Dick Van Dyke joke, but have been unable to find anything like it.

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I was gonna make a joke about a tiny pole...

But then I realised it was a wee post

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Why does Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters can go

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How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

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Why Is there a little angel on top of the Christmas tree?

Many years ago, on Christmas Eve, everything went wrong at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was on the rag, the reindeer had the runs, the elves were on strike and Rudolph hit the bottle pretty hard.

Santa was pretty pissed-off and about to explode when the little angel walked in with a freshly cut spruce tree.

-- where do you want me to put the tree, Santa? the little Angel asked.

Santa exploded: **you know where you can stick that goddamned fucking tree!**

And this is why there is a little angel at the top of the Christmas tree...

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A man walks down the street with a large pole on his shoulder

A person across the street asks:
"Are you a pole vaulter"
(With a strong German accent): "No, I'm a German but how did you know my name is Walter?"

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I got a fishing pole for my wife

I thought it was a pretty good trade.

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I stole a walking pole from a blind man earlier...

He wasn't looking

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Who was Alexander Graham Bellski?

The first telephone Pole

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I walked into a pole the other day

He said excuse me

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At The Olympics

At the Olympics, a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German. How did you know my name is Walter?"

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Train Tracks

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were walking through a forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
"They must be a set of polar bear tracks," says the blonde.
"No, no, they are a set of deer tracks," says the brunette.
The red head then exclaimed, "Are you kidding me? Polar bear! This is a forest not the North Pole! A deer is understandable, but these are train tracks!"
They were still arguing when they were mauled by a polar bear.

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Why was the man upset after going to boxing match in Warsaw?

Because his seat was behind a Pole.

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At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.

The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" The firing squad stopped and turned to scan the countryside, and the Italian ran away and escaped.

The Japanese guy took note of this, and when the firing squad leader said "Ready... Aim... ", he yelled out "Earthquake!!!" This distracted the firing squad, and he also escaped.

The Polish guy was last, and being no dummy, he picked up on what the two other guys did to escape. So the Russian said, "Ready... Aim..." and the Polock yelled out, "Fire!!!"


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On my first trip to the North Pole I realised...

... it's all going south from here.

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Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

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Did you hear about the Viagra user who slipped in the bathroom?

He pole vaulted out the window

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firing squad

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

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Three Poles are talking about what's the drunkest they've ever been in their lives

The first one says, *"You might not believe me, but I got so drunk once that I woke up in an alleyway 3 blocks away from my home!"*

The second one says, *"Hah! That's nothing! I got so drunk once that I woke up in a different town altogether!"*

*"You guys are a bunch of pussies"*, says the third one. *"I threw the biggest party in Poland back in '39 and got so drunk I woke up in East Germany!"*

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Three men were sentenced to death.

The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tighten that rope of yours because I don't know how to swim."

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A man is taking a walk in a park.

He sees another man sitting on a bench holding a long pole. He walks up to the man and asks, "Excuse me, are you a polevaulter?" The man replies, "No, I'm a Swede, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

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What do you call a workplace accident at the North Pole?

Shelf on the elf.

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Two men at the Olympics

Two men are at the Olympics. One man walks up to the second man and asks, "Hey, are you a pole vaulter?"

The second man responds, "Nope, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

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Why is it so hard to watch a sporting event at Warsaw Stadium?

Because no matter what seat you're in, you're sitting behind a Pole.

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Punctuation is very important

There's a Maypole dancer.
Theresa May, pole dancer.

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Why did the python programmer run into the pole?

He couldn't C it.

Don't worry, i'll cout<<"myself";

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A curious son notices a change in the U.S flag's position and decides to ask his mom

Son: Mom, why is the flag at the top of the pole today?

Mom: Because there hasn't been a mass shooting all week Billy.

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A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.

The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"
The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"
The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"
And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?"

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A man was walking down the street with a long pipe on his shoulder when somebody came up to him and said 'Excuse me, are you a Pole Vaulter?'

He replied, 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name?'.

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Two Doctors

Two doctors decide to go on a hunting trip. The first is a urologist, specializing in vasectomies, and the other is an ENT specializing in tonsillectomies. They set up in their blind and sit all day without seeing anything. Disappointed, they make their hike back to the truck. On the way back they come across an owl sleeping on top of a telephone pole. The first doctor says to the other, "I bet I'm such a good doctor that I could climb that pole and give that owl a vasectomy without even waking it." The ENT makes the wager, so the urologist climbs up the pole and, sure enough, performs the vasectomy without waking up the owl. The ENT, not to be outdone, decides he must attempt to climb up the pole and do a tonsillectomy. Sure enough, he succeeds and the owl's tonsils are removed while he remains fast asleep. The two doctors settle and decide that they are both great at their professions, and return home. The next day, the owl is flying with a buddy, and the buddy suggests they take a rest on that telephone pole. The owl says "Hell no, last time I sat on that pole, I couldn't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot."

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2 Poles are watching a Football game...

There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says:

-I bet you 20 bucks he will not score

-You are on - Replies the second one.

The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first
pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying:

-I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money.

-I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.

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The Fireman's bell system.

A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go.

He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air.

After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what's bell 4?

The wife replies, "you need more hose, more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!

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What do you call a stripper with a spear?

A pole lancer

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A journalist traveled to the South Pole to interview 100 penguins..:

The journalist had them all line up and ask all of them one question: what is your typical day like?

The first penguin answered, I eat, I swim, I sleep, and I hit my friend up.

Then the journalist went to the second penguin for its response, which was, I eat, I swim, I sleep, and I hit my friend up.

The journalist went through 99 penguins who all have the identical answer. When he finally reached the 100th penguin, he asked, what is your typical day like?

The last penguin said, I eat, I swim, and I sleep.

Confused, the journalist asked, don't you hit your friend up too?

The penguin answered, my name is Up!

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An American, a Pole and a German go to hell

When they arrive, the Devil welcomes them and tells them: "I'm now going to escort you to the camp. You'll be forced to work 12 hours a day, you'll be under constant surveillance and every morning your national flag will be burned."

The American, the Pole and the German start with their work. The American is regretful and tells the Pole: "I think I went here because I cheated on my wife. Why are you here?"

The Pole replies: "I'm here because I stole a lot during my lifetime". He turns to the German and asks "Why did you go to hell?"

The German answers: "What do you mean, this isn't heaven?"

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Then there was the Olympic Sprinter that tested positive for Viagra....

He tripped during the 100m Dash and won gold in the pole vault.

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Three kids walk into a Pole

He was very fat.

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What do you call a chicken at the north pole?

Lost.

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Can you work a pole?

So the other night my friends and I are having a few drinks and our one female friend is an ex-stripper, so we got into the topic of dancing and she looked at me and said yeah, can you work a pole xschlots? And for some reason the first comment that comes out is I mean yeah my family's mostly German. Working poles was our thing I have never heard a more deafening silence followed by laughter

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I'm looking for a tiny Scottish pole

But all I can find on here is wee posts

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Someone stole my limbo pole

How low can you go?

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One Olympian said to another: Are you a pole vaulter?

Reply: No, I'm German. And how did you know my name was Walter?

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I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"

He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"

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Why is the North Pole always so wet?

Because of rain, dear.

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How does a Native American scratch his balls?

With a scrotum pole.

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I ran my car into a pole

The poor bastard never saw me coming

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Brothels in Thailand have a red and white striped pole outside like a barbars shop!

I didn't know!

Imagine my shock when I went in and asked for a 'number 2 all over'

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What was the crow doing up on the telephone pole?

He was making a long-distance caw.

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What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole???

A 30 foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone!

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Someone broke into Alex Rodriguez's house and beat his wife with a pole.

Actually it was A Rod

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What did the poles do during world war two?

They held the telephone wires off the ground.

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A lot of people think that firefighters are overpaid, but recently a pole was taken...

...and they all fell through a hole in the floor.

-Milton Jones

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Premature ejaculation was the number one public health issue in the North Pole in 2016

Looks like Santa came early this year

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So a policeman is in pursuit of a drunk driver...

...and this drunk is barreling at high speeds, nearly destroying everything in it's path. Finally the car hits a telephone pole and the car stops. The policeman jumps out of his car, runs up to the trashed car and pulls out the driver screaming, "YOU'RE DRUNK!"

The driver responds "Thank God. I thought my brakes and steering went out!"

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I got it all figured out. I will be a male stripper in Antarctica

My stage name? South Pole.

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An Englishman walks into a pole...

He tells him, "Get the fuck out of my country"

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I had a joke about an ice pole...

But I couldn't put my tongue on it.

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Don't throw your toothpicks in the urinals...

The crabs have learned to pole vault.

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The funny thing about strippers and fires...

The people that are going to show up are the other most experienced people on a pole.

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Men on my sandwhich

On a day like any other I decided to go to my favorite deli. I ordered the BLT like I always do and began to eat it, however I noticed something strange. Something seemed to be moving in my sandwich. I looked closer and it appeared to be a tiny man with some sort of wooden pole. He planted it into my sandwich and moved along.

I was totally boggled by this so for the next few days I came in and ordered a variety of sandwiches but the men only came when I ordered the BLT. One day I had had enough.

"Hey!" I shouted, "what are you doing on my sub all the time?"

"Sorry!" He shouted back, "we always repost on this sub"

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What do you call a drill on the North Pole that just wants to get to know people?

An icebreaker

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Another fart joke that includes a doctor

A man goes to the doctor to tell him about his recent extreme flatulence. He is constantly farting as he tells the doctor about his problem.

At one point, the Doctor excuses himself, leaves the room and comes back with a six foot long pole with a hook on the end.

The man says "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT???"

The Doctor answers, "Open a window!"

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Who's got the tightest bod in the North Pole?

Abdominal Snowman

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Why did Santa send his daughter to college?

To keep her off the north pole

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How do you make a pole angry?

Deport him.

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We all remember Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone...

But no one ever remembers Alexander Graham Kowalczyk, the first telephone pole.

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So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk. The elf shakes his head, and moves on to the next cage.

"What type is this one?" he asks. "A German Shepherd and Beagle cross," replies the clerk. Again, the elf shakes his head, and walks to the third and final cage.

"What type is this one?" he asks again. "That's a Pointer and Irish Setter cross," says the clerk. The elf nods his head vigorously, and adopts the animal immediately.

Mystified, the clerk's assistant asks, "Why did he chose that one?" the clerk laughs, and replies, "It was a Point-Setter."

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Ok, don't panic…

If we hold the North Pole and South Pole down simultaneously for three seconds, it'll automatically restore to factory settings.

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My father wanted me to be a firefighter

So he installed a brass pole from my bedroom to the living room. It didn't work. But my sisters both work at the Catwalk

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What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

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What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

A ten foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

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Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

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Pole vaulter

So I was at the Olympics the other day and saw a man walking round with a long pole. I went up to him and said,

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

And he replied, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name?"

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What's the safest sport?

Pole vault.

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A Bounch of guys offer a blond woman a box of cookies to climb a telephone pole..

That's easy she says and climbs up the pole. The next day theres even more guys and they offer her two boxes of cookies to climb the telephone pole. She agrees and does it again. The next day they tell her their friends don't belive she can do it and talk her into climbing up a third time. After she's done everyone tells her how amazing that was. When she gets home her mom says to her "you now those guys just want to see your underwear right" the blond replys "I know mom.. that's why today I fooled them and didn't wear any"

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Pole, German and Russian get caught by the Devil (one with balls)

Pole, German and Russian get caught by the Devil. The Devil puts them all in separate cells and gives them two metal balls. He says I'll come back in a month if you can show me something with these balls that I haven't seen before I'll let you go.
He comes back after a month to check on the German:
- he's juggling two balls, 'Seen that one' says the devil
He checks the Russian:
- he has managed to balance one ball on top of the other. 'Seen that one too' says the Devil.
He checks on the Polish dude, and he lost one ball and broke the other.

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What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics?

Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.

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I'm a chick magnet

But we always tend to have the same pole facing each other.

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A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of "Master Baiter"

*He replies* : " It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy."

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A stripper wrote an article in a womens magazine about how good my dick is...

Cos ma pole a ten.

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What are the best Pole puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pole? Well, here are the best jokes about Pole to have fun with.

Joko Jokes