Poland Jokes

Following is our collection of warsaw humor and polak one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Poland puns for adults, dirty slovakia jokes or clean panzer gags for kids.

There is an abundance of russia jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 67 funniest jokes on poland. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hungary witze you can hear about poland.

The Best jokes about Poland

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"


"That's easy, Berlin."


"And the capital of France?"


"Berlin"


"And the one of Poland?"


"Also Berlin."


"Good job Adolf, good job!"

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

A Russian is travelling to Poland...

and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.

"Nationality?"

"Russian."

"Occupation?"

"No, no, just visiting."

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

Geography class

-Whats the capital of Germany?

-Berlin teacher

-Whats the capital of France?

-Berlin again teacher

-Whats the capital of Poland?

-Still Berlin teacher

-Adolf! If you keep this up you'll fail geography!

-We'll see about that


My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess

So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.

Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

A German is at the border to go to Poland.

The officer asks him:

Name?

Hans Gruber.

Address?

123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin

Occupation?

Nein, just visiting.

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.


Customs Officer: "Name?"

Putin: "Vladimir Putin."

Customs Officer: "Nationality?"

Putin: "Russian."

Customs Officer: "Occupation?"

Putin: "No, just visiting."


A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!ο»Ώ

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

A mother is helping her son revise for a geography exam

She asks "What's the Capital of Germany?"
He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What's the Capital of France?"
He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What's the Capital of Russia?"
He replies "Berlin."

She finally asks "What's the Capital of Poland?"
He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "I'm sure you'll do great, Adolf"

Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Lenin in Poland

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

The artist is confused; "Lenin never went to Poland" he claims. The commissioner doesnt care about the facts however, and just wants the painting.

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland?

Europe next.

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......;)

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?

Fortuneteller: No, PLN.


A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland.

The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting"

Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.

Three tourists are having a drink in an expensive bar in Times Square

They're all astounded by the prices of the drinks.

One of the tourists says, "back in my favorite bar in Liverpool, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get another one on the house!"

The tourist from Ireland says, "that's impressive but back in my favorite pub in Dublin, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get a beer and a shot of whiskey on the house!"

Not to be outdone, the tourist from Poland says, "that's nothing. Back in Warsaw, not only were the drinks free but they took you to a room in the back where you had sex!"

The other two tourists are amazed, they say, "that's incredible! That really happened to you?"

The Polish tourist says, "well, not to me but to my sister."

How many peopledoes it take to change a lightbulb in Germany?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in Poland?

Just one Germans are very efficient and not very funny.

Thread idea: Submit your non-US / Canadian / UK jokes and explain them.

My German friend told me this joke back in college (only makes sense if you're in Germany when you tell it).

>"Why did the Russian thief steal *two* cars?"

>"Because he had to drive back through Poland!"

(the racial stereotype being that Germans consider both Russians and Polish to be notorious crooks)

Anyways if you have some kind of racial / cultural joke that might be unfamiliar to english speakers, let's hear it! (and explain it for us if necessary)

Did you hear, there's no more ice in Poland?

The old lady with the recipe died...

What was the weather forcast in poland on the day before the german invasion?

86% chance of heil

A German visits Poland.

A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.

The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"


The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.

I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up.

It only gives directions to Poland.

A Polish guy walked into a bar...

... in Poland. He announced that he had withdrawn his entire fortune, 100,000 zlotys, from the bank, invested it in gold bars, and put them into a safe in his house.

This was back when a zloty was worth something, so the other patrons immediately started to argue with him:

"You're an idiot! What if you get robbed? It's much safer in the bank."

"The banks are about to fail," he responded.

"But they can't fail, they're backed by the Polish government!"

"... which doesn't have so much as a grosz and you know it. The government will fall apart along with the banks."

"Fair enough," the other patrons answered, "but our friends the Russians will bail us out."

"The Russian government isn't so stable either. What if it should collapse too?"

"Well, wouldn't that be worth 100,000 zlotys?"

In the geography class:

-What is the capital of Germany?
-Berlin!
-What is the capital of Poland?
-Berlin!
-What is the capital of France?
-Berlin!
-Good job, Adolf!

When I went to Poland I saw the greatest dancing group in the country

When my wife asked what I did there I told her I saw the worlds best pole dancers!

Where do strippers go on holiday ?

Poland

Where does the red teletubby come from?

Poland

How did Germany so easily defeat Poland during WWII?

When the Polish threw grenades at the Germans, the Germans pulled the pins and threw them back.

Back when I was in a band I had a roadie that was from Poland

I also had a Czech one too, czech one too

A german tourist goes to Poland

In the border, the guard asks him some questions.

Guard: Name?

German: Hans Guttenmark

Guard: Age?

German: 29

Guard: Occupation?

German: * smiles * No, just visiting.

Du Hast

German heavy metal band Rammstein travels to Poland for the next stop on their international tour. As the airport official goes through their passports and checks them in, she asks, "Occupation?"

The singer replies, "No, no. Were just here to perform a show. We'll be gone by tomorrow morning."

Whats the most common occupation in Germany?

Poland

Poland and its neighboring country were playing chess

The neighboring country won with a Czechmate

The Polish Astronauts.

Ya' ever hear the one about the Polish Astronauts?

Yeah, so they decided to go on a mission to the sun. The Americans called them up saying, "Poland! You can't go to the sun! You'll burn alive!"

The Poles responded, "AHA! We go at night!"

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

How did Germany conquer Poland so quickly?

They marched in backwards and said they were leaving.

How did Hitler conquer Poland?

He used a lot of polish remover.

New Sequel to Lalaland

Poland

Why was the baseball stadium in Poland a huge failure?

Pretty much anywhere you sat you were behind a Pole.

How do you recognize a car from Poland?

From the Polish

What do you call a tank rolling through the streets of poland?

Ghetto Blaster

A man is driving and hits a pole.

"I knew I never should've driven in Poland!"

A moderator from Poland walks into a chatroom of people arguing.

"This place is gonna need some *polishing*."

How did the Germans take over Poland so quickly?

They marched in backwards, so the Poles thought they were leaving.

When German politics go right, they go far right.

Right through Poland

Did you hear Poland bought 5,000 septic tanks?

As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they'll invade Germany.

Did you hear about the plane crash in Poland?

It was a Cessna 2 seater, crashed into a graveyard, the body count is up to 453 and they are still finding more.

[OC] I named my hard drive Poland

Because of how often it gets partitioned

Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland?

All the horses drowned

What does a Jew, in Poland with a Stomach ache have?

The Auschits

50,000 Germans walk into poland

Punchlines in the title

How do you know you are in Poland?

People throw rocks at the ground and miss.

Putin is committed to Peace...

He want's a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland, and a piece of Poland...

Where does Poland keep its money?

In pole vaults

During the 80's, many college students from Eastern Bloc countries - Poland, Hungary, and Romania met each other at a summer camp

Sitting around the campfire after supper, these young people tried their best to communicate with each other (Polish, Hungarian, and Romanian are totally not related), ultimately having to resort to some kind of sign language

Then one dude got an idea: Hey, we all learned Russian in high school, why don't we try speaking in Russian?

… After a brief, thoughtful thinking and pause … everyone returned back to that sign language

What happens when a soviet and a german have a child?

I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.

What do your mom and Poland have in common?

a lot of countries have been inside her.

Where does Poland keep its armies?

Up its sleevies.

If someone from Poland is called a Pole, what's someone from Holland called?

Dutch.

Deal!

A man from Poland and a man from Russia together dig up a treasure.

The guy from Poland says:

\-- Let us divide this like brothers!

The Russian:

\-- Let's better 50-50.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes