Poker Jokes

Did u hear about the l**... poker game?

everyone threw their hands in

My girlfriend is going to leave me...

because of my poker addiction...
I think she's bluffing.

I phoned my wife today and said...

"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."
"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.
I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"
"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"
"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

s**... is like Poker...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...

...a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."

What kind of poker do s**... cows play?

High Steaks

Unicorns have the best poker faces.

Poker is like s**...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

The best s**... is like an old saloon.

Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

Why are proteins so bad at poker?

They always fold.

Marriage is like a fire.

If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.
Scissors asks, "What happened?".
Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

I was playing poker with my cow that was on drugs

The steaks couldn't have been higher

How do you make lady gaga cry?

Poker face

How is a bar similar to a woman?

Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

Origami is like Poker...

You gotta know when to fold

At least my massive s**... wasn't all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

My wife left me because of my poker addiction.

It could also be a bluff.

A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…

The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play s**... poker?"
The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."

My wife says she is going to divorce me because I love poker more then her.

I think she's bluffing!

How are women like bars?

Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.

Why did the jaguars stop playing poker at the safari?

Because all the others were cheetahs.

Do you know why they don't play poker in the jungle?

Because there's too many cheetahs. I'm not lion.

Last night I played Origami poker

Things were going great, until I had to fold.

A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son m**...
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand

My wife challenged me to a game of s**... poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Which animal is best at playing poker?

The bluffalo.

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.
Everyone antes up but the cat.
The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"
Cat:

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction.

I think she's bluffing.

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

while playing poker my friend said "my hand trumps your hand"

So I said "alright that means you lose but won't acknowledge it, right?"

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement

The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:
Rabbi, were you gambling?
The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?

Marriage is like a poker: you start out with two Hearts and a Diamond, and you end up wanting a Club and a s**....

I'll see your dad joke an raise you one

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many chee-tahs

Why did the mosquito spend a lot of time playing cards?

Because he had a great poker face.

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."
His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."
"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"
"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."
"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."
"It is if you give it to the boss's wife."

What animal in the jungle isn't allowed to play poker?

Cheetahs.

A couple of cows were smoking w**... and playing poker

The steaks were high.

Did you hear about the prince who plays poker on the toilet?

He always has a royal flush

My pregnant wife worried I was playing too much poker

"Don't worry," I assured her, "After he's born, I'm going to see him... and raise him!"

Two grave robbers walk into a bar

They go to a corner and start playing poker together.
An hour later the first grave robber goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks, what happened? You look upset.
The grave robber replies, i just lost an arm and a leg!

Why don't they play poker in the zoo?

Because of the cheetahs.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don't understand the term "full house".

I was playing poker with tarot cards last night.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

Three cows were playing poker while smoking w**...

The steaks were high.

Why don't people play poker in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs

What is a common phrase that both poker players and cannibals say?

Just finish the hand!