The Best 85 Poker Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Poker jokes. There are some poker liquor jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these poker craps puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Poker Jokes and Puns
Did u hear about the leper poker game?
everyone threw their hands in
Why can't pirates play poker?
because someone is always standing on the deck.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
My sex life is like a Wild West saloon...
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
I've just opened a casino for dogs where they can play roulette, poker blackjack etc...
They'll have to go outside for craps though.
My girlfriend is going to leave me...
because of my poker addiction...
I think she's bluffing.
I phoned my wife today and said...
"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."
"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.
I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"
"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"
"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."
Why can't gay people play poker?
Because they can't keep a straight face.
Sex is like Poker...
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!
Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?
Because he will always fold.
You can explore poker euchre reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean poker poker game dad jokes. There are also poker puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker?
She goes to the bathroom.
Dogs playing poker
Why are dogs bad at poker?
Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand.
Why did John's dog win the poker tournament?
Because he's a Doberman.
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...
...a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."
For all you web developers out there.
Why couldn't the div buy a drink?
It lacked id.
Why couldn't the div find a girlfriend?
It lacked class.
Why wasn't the div good at diplomacy?
Its position was absolute.
Why was the div an anarchist?
It had no borders.
Why couldn't the div play poker?
It had 0 opacity.
What kind of poker do stoner cows play?
High Steaks
No pornhub, I don't want to play online poker.
I'm at work.
Unicorns have the best poker faces.
Poker is like sex
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)
The best sex is like an old saloon.
Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
Poker doesn't work well in Africa. There's just too many cheetahs.
Poker
No YouPorn I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is
Why don't cows play poker?
Because it's a high steaks game
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction
but I think she's bluffing
Grapes are so predictable at poker
Eventually, they all end up raisin
Why are proteins so bad at poker?
They always fold.
Marriage is like a fire.
If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.
What did the orphan poker player say?
Will you raise me?
Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?
You will lose every hand.
Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker
They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.
Scissors asks, "What happened?".
Rocks replies, "I think he folded".
I was playing poker with my cow that was on drugs
The steaks couldn't have been higher
How are women like casinos?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.
He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
I thought, "I might have to raise him."
How do you make lady Gaga cry?
Poker face
How is a bar similar to a woman?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
Origami is like Poker...
You gotta know when to fold
At least my massive stroke wasn't all bad news.
My poker playing has improved by about 50%.
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
My wife left me because of my poker addiction.
It could also be a bluff.
Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet
Because I lost my car in poker last night.
What does a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back
My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...
She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game!?"
I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."
She said, "What do you mean?"
I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."
Why are closeted gay people good at poker?
Because they're always putting on a straight face.
A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…
The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play strip poker?"
The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."
My wife says she is going to divorce me because I love poker more then her.
I think she's bluffing!
Why was the origami master terrible at poker?
He always folded.
How are women like bars?
Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.
Dont bring a gay friend to a poker match
They can never keep a straight face
When does a strip poker game start getting good?
When somebody's got a big pair showin'.
In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.
He had a royal straight flush.
Why don't cats play poker in the forest?
Because there are too many cheetahs
Do you know why they don't play poker in the jungle?
Because there's too many cheetahs. I'm not lion.
How can you tell you're playing poker with a feminist?
They'll insist that Kings and Queens have equal value.
Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:
What's the deal?
Last night I played Origami poker
Things were going great, until I had to fold.
All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?
Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.
A Child walks in on his parents...
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son masturbating
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand
My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party
I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Which animal is best at playing poker?
The bluffalo.
All the pets decide to play poker
The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.
Everyone antes up but the cat.
The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"
Cat:
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction.
I think she's bluffing.
My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker
But I think she's bluffing.
They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.
It's a pretty big deal.
Why is it a bad idea to play poker in the savannah?
Too many cheetahs
Why did the vampire get nervous during the poker game?
His opponent had just raised the stakes.
while playing poker my friend said "my hand trumps your hand"
So I said "alright that means you lose but won't acknowledge it, right?"
Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in a basement
The cops bust in and seeing they are all men of God decide to give them the chance to explain. They turn to the first priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As God is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
They let the first priest go. They turn to the second priest:
Father, were you gambling?
As Jesus is my witness, the priest replies, I was not .
The let the second priest go. They finally turn to the rabbi:
Rabbi, were you gambling?
The rabbi looks around and says, With whom?
My wife left me because of my poker addiction.
I for sure thought she was bluffing.
Marriage is like a poker: you start out with two Hearts and a Diamond, and you end up wanting a Club and a Spade.
I'll see your dad joke an raise you one
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many chee-tahs
Why did the mosquito spend a lot of time playing cards?
Because he had a great poker face.
Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]
One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."
His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."
"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"
"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."
"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."
"It is if you give it to the boss's wife."
What animal in the jungle isn't allowed to play poker?
Cheetahs.
A couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker
The steaks were high.
Plumbing is like poker
Plumbing is like poker.
You can't have a full house and a straight flush.
Well I'm down to just my toupee in strip poker...
And now I must bid you a 'do.
My pirate friends always bring a box of Q-tips to poker night.
The loser has to swab the deck.
A bunch of cows were smoking weed & playing poker.
Man, we're those steaks high in that game!
Did you hear about the prince who plays poker on the toilet?
He always has a royal flush
Why are plumbers bad a poker?
Because they think a flush beats a full house!
What do you call a group of cows who play poker on the roof?
High steaks
My pregnant wife worried I was playing too much poker
"Don't worry," I assured her, "After he's born, I'm going to see him... and raise him!"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the poker solitaire jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working poker betting piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.