poker game Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious poker game puns

A man came home from a poker game...

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

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Gates of Heaven

One night Dolly Parton and Princess Diana were playing a Poker game when both of them spontaneous combust, and died. Both are sent up to the gates of Heaven and put in front of God.

God says, "For either of you to get into heaven, you must tell me something about you that qualifies you to enter the gates."

Dolly steps up first saying, "Well God, I have these enormous breasts the world has appreciated throughout my career."

God retorts with, "I'm sorry, but that does not allow you to enter."

Princess Diana comes up to God and says, "Well God, at least once a day I would douche my vagina."

God responds, "Very well Diana, you may enter into heaven."

Stunned, Dolly asks, "Why was she allowed to enter for douching once a day and my breasts don't allow me to enter Heaven?"

God responds, "Come on Dolly, everyone knows a royal flush beats a great pair."

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My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.

He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.

I thought, "I might have to raise him."

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Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?

They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths' condo and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Mr. Miller says: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Mr. Miller.

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Costume Party

A man and his wife have been invited to a costume party for Halloween, however on the night of the event the wife says to her husband that she can't go because she feels ill and needs to lie down. The husband asks if she wants him to stay at home, but not wanting to ruin her husbands evening says she'll be fine at home. Soon after the man puts on his costume and leaves to go to the party.

About an hour or so later the wife wakes up feeling much brighter, she decides to surprise her husband by turning up to the costume party, seeing as he doesn't know what her costume looks like. After getting to the party she spots her husband dancing, she comes up behind him and starts getting frisky, after a fair amount of drinking and dancing she decides to pull him back to the car for some after party fun.

Just before the party ends however and masks are revealed the wife slips out, getting back into bed just as she hears her husband arrive back home, after him getting back she asks how the party was.
The husband says "Yeah it was an okay night , I met Tom and George and won about 50 quid in a poker game, but I lent my costume to Pat, who said he had the best damn night of his life, so I felt I missed out a bit"

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Go tell Meyer's wife . . .

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

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Did u hear about the leper poker game?

everyone threw their hands in

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How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker?

She goes to the bathroom.

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Why don't cows play poker?

Because it's a high steaks game

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When does a strip poker game start getting good?

When somebody's got a big pair showin'.

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My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game!?"

I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."

She said, "What do you mean?"

I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."

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A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…

The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play strip poker?"

The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."

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Two zombies were playing a game of poker

The first one threw his hand in the pile and the other laughed his head off.

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Why do witches avoid poker games?

Because they hate seeing the stakes being raised

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A toilet beat me at a game of Poker.

I had a straight; it had a flush.

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Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.

He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Las Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."

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I challenged an origami expert to a game of poker.

He folded.

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Why does Queen Elizabeth's toilet do so well in poker games?

Because it's got a royal flush.

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Why was the poker game at the zoo cancelled?

Some believed that there was a cheetah among them.

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I've just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

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A Guy Gets Home From Playing Poker....

...and says to his wife, "Pack your bags. I just lost you to Frank in a Poker game."

She indignantly exclaims, "How could you do such a thing?"

"It wasn't easy," he replied. "I had to fold a full house."

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1 and 2 were playing poker.

Suddenly, 2 discovers 1 is cheating. Angry, 2 shouts at 1: "Three can play that game!"

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Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

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2 boxes

2 boxes finish a game of poker. One says to the other "hey man you fancy another game?", to which the other one replies "no.. i'm cardboard'

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BILL CLINTON'S FAVORITE CARD GAME

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker.

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I lost a poker game to some asshole who bluffed a royal straight

He was a jack off.

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The Bat family were playing a game of "old maid" with a poker deck...

Needless to say it was a never ending game. Everyone wanted the joker.

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Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game?
A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

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The best hand of all

Had some buddies over to play poker the night before my colonoscopy.

It was quite a game, flush after flush after flush.

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What's the best hand in a game of toilet poker?

A straight flush.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Albert Einstein, John F Kennedy and God are on holiday

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Albert Einstein, John F Kennedy and God are on holiday
at the Kennedy compound on Cape Cod.

One a rainy afternoon Einstein suggests they play a game.

So they get out the card table and setup. God suggests Poker, Einstein 500 and Kennedy Blackjack.

After a ten minutes of arguments, Schwarzenegger says "Why don't we just play Yahtzee?"

At that God gets up and storms out.
Kennedy turns to Einstein and ask "What was that about?"
Einstein says "God does not play dice with Mr Universe"

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What did one bird say to the other bird when he played five aces in a poker game?

Cheat, cheat, cheat.

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Eating spicy food is like...

Having your whole body sit down for a game of poker. Your stomach always wins while your sinuses and intestines get cleaned out.

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Invited to a private poke game...

A man was invited to a private poker game. When he arrived he saw that the game had already begun. Sitting at the table were four guys and a dog. More than a little surprised, he said, That must be a pretty smart dog to play poker. He ain't so smart, one of the guys said, Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.

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The first time Chuck Norris won a game of poker was when his apponant reaveled his full house;

then Chuck Norris reaveled his roundhouse.

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What are the most funny Poker Game jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Poker Game? Well, here are the best Poker Game dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Poker Game pick up lines to share with friends.

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