poked Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious poked puns

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

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How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!


This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

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Two nuns were cleaning the church...

The first nun says, "You aren't going to believe this, but the other day I was cleaning Father Tim's room, and I found condoms in his night stand."

The second nun says, "Oh my! What did you do?"

The first nun says, "I poked holes in them."

The second nun says, "Fuck..."

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My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

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Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."

The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"

"I burned them."

The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."

The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"

"I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

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How I learned to mind my own buisness.

I was out for a walk and passed a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on in there.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14... 14... 14..."

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My wife looked at me with her sexy eyes and said "I want you make me scream with 2 fingers baby"

So I poked her in the eyes.

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Three nuns were having a conversation.

The first one says:"Guess what I found in Father's room while cleaning it? A pile of porn under his bed!"

"So what did you do?" asked the other two.

"I ripped it up and threw it out, of course."

The second nun says:"Guess what I found while doing Father's laundry? A box of condoms hidden in his shirt!"

"So what did you do?" asked the other two nuns.

"I poked holes in all of them, of course."

The third nun fainted.

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All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

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Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

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Was walking by a mental hospital when...

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.

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There were three Nuns in a house..

The first Nun says, "I was cleaning the Fathers room this morning, and guess what i found? Pornographic magazines!" The second Nun says, "Well what did you do?" "I threw them all in the trash!" The Nun replied. Then the second Nun says, " Well, i was putting laundry in the Fathers room this morning, and i found some condoms on his dresser!" "Well what did you do?" the first nun asks. "I poked holes in all of them!" The third Nun goes, "Oh, shit!"

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Three nuns are talking...

The first one says, "Do you know what I found in the Father's room the other day? A stack of pornographic magazines!"
The second nun says, "I can top that! I was in his room the other day, and I found a whole packet of condoms! I poked holes in all of them!"
"Oh shit!" the third nun says.

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

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Two Trees and a Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

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Three nuns were talking...

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. 

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." 

The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." 

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. 

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied. 

The third nun said, "Oh shit." 

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Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"

"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.

"I threw them away." The first nun replies.

The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"

"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.

"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.

The third nun fainted.

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In and Out

(Part joke and part tongue-twister - lots of fun to tell out loud.)

Once upon a time, a mama skunk had twin baby skunks, who she named In and Out.

One day when they were just wee skunks, In and Out went out to play. At lunchtime, Mama Skunk poked her head out and called out, "In and Out, it's time to come in!"

After a few minutes, Out comes in. Mama looks at him and says, "Out, where is In? I just told you both to come in!"

Out says, "In is still out." So Mama tells him "Well Out, you go right back out, find In, and bring him in!" So Out goes out, and within just a minute he comes back in with In.

Mama Skunk is amazed. She says, "Out, how on earth did you find In so quickly?"

Out shrugs and says, "Instinks."

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A guy walks past a mental hospital

A guy is walking past a mental hospital with a high privacy fence, and can hear some kind of chant going on. As he gets closer, he hears them chanting, "sixteen! Sixteen! Sixteen!"Curious as to what is going on, he notices a small hole in the fence. He walks over and presses his face to it to try and see in, only to get poked in the eyes. The chant continues, "Seventeen! Seventeen! Seventeen!"

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How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and I heard all the patients shouting, 13...13...13
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the fence, so I looked thought to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick , then they all started shouting, 14...14...14

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Walking past a lunatic asylum

Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day

I heard the patients chanting, "13...13....13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started chanting, "14...14...14...14...".

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Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key

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Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'
'Correct again Claire'
And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question
'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?'
Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out
'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'

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A Family of Moles

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

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Was walking by a mental hospital when.....

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration and applause from inside, I then heard the people start chanting 7, 7, 7, 7.

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How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13.....13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14....14...14."

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I was at the dentist yesterday

As he was inspecting my teeth, he poked and prodded and scraped one of my back molars that was particularly sore. He leaned closer for a better look, and said to me, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!"

I was kind of offended. "Doc, I'm not stupid or deaf, you didn't have to repeat yourself."

"I wasn't repeating myself, that was the echo!"

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How I learned to mind my own business.

I was walking past the the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13!...13!...13!". The fence was too high to see over, so I looked through a gap in the planks to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started yelling "14!...14!...!4!".

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Date night

I was on a date with a girl last night and the conversation started to get steamy. She was holding my hand and I said; "just by using these fingers I could make you scream."
Seductively she leant forward and purred "well go on then, show me..."
So I poked her in the eye!

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I also heard a dick joke at church camp

One Sunday morning, there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sarah had fallen back asleep so the boy poked her with the pencil again and she woke up and yelled "God!" "Very good. Now who can tell me what Abrahams wife said after they had their 11th child." The boy poked Sarah again. "If you poke me with that one more time, I'm going to snap it in half."

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My deaf girlfriend started talkin in her sleep last night

Nearly poked my eye out

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Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.

I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.

She poked around in her notebook, and said "required".

It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right. I remember it said, "Your password is required."'

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I just poked myself in the eyes...

I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon.

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What are the most funny Poked jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Poked? Well, here are the best Poked dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Poked pick up lines to share with friends.

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