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Poisonous Jokes

58 poisonous jokes and hilarious poisonous puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about poisonous that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Poisonous Short Jokes

Short poisonous jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The poisonous humour may include short venomous jokes also.

  1. Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
  2. A wife was dying. A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
    Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
  3. In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
    However poison IV would make you really itchy.
  4. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
  5. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
  6. In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
  7. Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
  8. As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach... I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.
  9. My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised.
  10. What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider? That you're probably Australian.

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Poisonous One Liners

Which poisonous one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with poisonous? I can suggest the ones about harmful and deadly.

  1. TIFU by hiding in poison oak Whoops, wrong shrub
  2. I poisoned my wifes pita dip The police charged me with hummus-cide
  3. Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning? It was the wurst.
  4. I ate a poisoned ball of chickpeas… And now I falafel.
  5. A Serious Issue Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.
  6. Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning Runs in the family
  7. Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage? Yeah, it was the wurst.
  8. Say what you want about communism. ...and you'll probably get poisoned.
  9. The scariest warning that you can read in braille "Poisonous surface, do not touch"
  10. If you have poison in your veins Would you call that toxic vasculinity?
  11. I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink... I dyed a little inside..
  12. What's the difference between venom and poison? One is black metal, the other glam…
  13. Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava. Once
  14. Yesterday, I got food poisoning I don't know when I'll use it
  15. I got food poisoning today. Not sure who im going to use it on.

Poisonous joke, I got food poisoning today.

Rib-Tickling Poisonous Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about poisonous you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lethal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make poisonous pranks.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

A man goes to his Rabbi

"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."

Jake's final conversation

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

Two chemists walk into a bar

The first chemist tells the bartender "I'll have some H2O, please." The second chemist agrees: "I'll have some H2O also, please."
The second chemist died of aluminum, sulfur, and oxygen poisoning.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

Husband talks to a rabbi.

A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"

Deaf people aren't known to be very rational

They have trouble making sound decisions.

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having s**... with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipe gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?

The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."

Two men talking…….

Man 1: You know, I've been married twice and both my wife's died. The first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second one died from blunt force trauma to the skull.
Man 2: Jesus, and how did that happen?
Man 1: She wouldn't eat her mushrooms

A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...

Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.
His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.

A lady walks into a pharmacy.

She asks the pharmacist for cyanide.
Pharmacist: I can't sell you that. It's a deadly poison.
Lady: I know. I want to kill my husband. He's having an affair.
Pharmacist: I don't care. I can't sell you cyanide.
Lady shows him a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed together.
Pharmacist: Oh … you have a prescription.

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time

"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

What do you get when Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt fall in poison ivy?

Mt. Rashmore.

Poisonous joke, I ate a poisoned ball of chickpeas…

jokes about poisonous