Poisonous Jokes
57 poisonous jokes and hilarious poisonous puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about poisonous that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Poisonous Short Jokes
Short poisonous jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The poisonous humour may include short venomous jokes also.
- Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
- A wife was dying. A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you." - In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy. - Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
- My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised.
- What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider? That you're probably Australian.
- 1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning. 1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
- When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipe gave everyone food poisoning... I falafel.
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Poisonous One Liners
Which poisonous one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with poisonous? I can suggest the ones about harmful and deadly.
- TIFU by hiding in poison oak Whoops, wrong shrub
- I poisoned my wifes pita dip The police charged me with hummus-cide
- Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning? It was the wurst.
- I ate a poisoned ball of chickpeas… And now I falafel.
- A Serious Issue Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.
- Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning Runs in the family
- The scariest warning that you can read in braille "Poisonous surface, do not touch"
- I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink... I dyed a little inside..
- What's the difference between venom and poison? One is black metal, the other glam…
- Yesterday, I got food poisoning I don't know when I'll use it
- I got food poisoning today. Not sure who im going to use it on.
- Is it possible to get steak poisoning? Yes, but it's really rare.
- A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning… I told him it was tasteless
- What do you get when you mix cyanide and water together? Poisoned.
- If a poison expires, Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?
Rib-Tickling Poisonous Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about poisonous you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cancerous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make poisonous pranks.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A man goes to his Rabbi
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!
The warning sign
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
My uncle used to counterfeit pennies...
My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.
The Unluckiest Guy in the world
A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed
As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"
"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.
"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.
The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband talks to a rabbi.
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull...
She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's v**... on his sweater already...
Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!
What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
A concerned husband goes to his priest...
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.
A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?
The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
Poison
A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"
Two men talking…….
Man 1: You know, I've been married twice and both my wife's died. The first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second one died from blunt force trauma to the skull.
Man 2: Jesus, and how did that happen?
Man 1: She wouldn't eat her mushrooms
A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...
Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.
His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a pharmacy.
She asks the pharmacist for cyanide.
Pharmacist: I can't sell you that. It's a deadly poison.
Lady: I know. I want to kill my husband. He's having an affair.
Pharmacist: I don't care. I can't sell you cyanide.
Lady shows him a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed together.
Pharmacist: Oh … you have a prescription.
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
What do you get when Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt fall in poison ivy?
Mt. Rashmore.
