poisoned Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious poisoned puns

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

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My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

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My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

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I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

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I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned his cookies.

Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.

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The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Give a man a poisoned fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

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An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed

As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"

"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.

"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.

The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."

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A husband was on his deathbed with his wife by his side.

"Honey, I have something to confess to you.", he says.

"No dear, save your energy."

"I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven." He says. "I cheated on you."

"I know." She said. "I poisoned you."

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The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer had a thief that would steal a few of his watermelons each year. Year after year it was the same thing, during harvest season a few of his watermelons would constantly be stolen. No matter what he tried to do, he was not able to catch the thief. So one year he finally got tired of it and tried something new, so he put a sign up in his pasture, "One of these watermelons are poisoned." Thinking he finally deterred the thief, he went to bed.

The next morning when he woke up to harvest, there was a new sign under his that read, "Now two of these watermelon are poisoned".

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My wife was dying

I was by her bed side.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess"
'Shhh' I said," There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
Then she responded, "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father.
"I know." I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you"

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Putin recently won the Russian election with a 76.6% majority...

Oddly enough 23.4% of Russian citizens were found poisoned a few days afterwards

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Dang squirrels

There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.

One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained

Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained.

The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.

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A dying man looks up into his wife's eyes and says, "Honey, before I go I have something I need to tell you."

To which she replies, "I already know, dear. That's why I poisoned you."

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My first wife died...

after eating a poisoned mushroom!

My second wife died of a poisoned mushroom!

My third wife died of a crushed skull.

She wouldn't eat the mushroom!

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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.

Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

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Watermelon Farmer.

This is the best joke I know so I thought I would share, as far as I know it's original.

A successful watermelon farmer is having some trouble. Some kids keep stealing his crops at night while he sleeping.
To scare them away he makes a sign saying "Caution: One of these watermelons are poisoned".

The next morning, he wakes up to this sign: "Caution: Now two of these watermelons are poisoned".

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Orange Pecker

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange."

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos."

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Say what you want about communism.

...and you'll probably get poisoned.

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Mushrooms

A man was talking to his friend on the phone after many years:

"Hey buddy, how is your life, heards you got married again, is this the fourth time now?"
"Yes"
"So what happened to your ex-wives, do you still see them?"
"No, they're all dead."
"My condolences, how did the first one die?"
"She was poisened, eating mushrooms"
"Terrible. What about the second one?"
"She was also poisoned, mushrooms"
"Wow, don't tell me your third wife also died because of mushrooms?.."
"No, her neck was broken"
"I see, car accident then."
"No. She refused to eat the mushrooms."

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Bedside Wife

A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He says "Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She says "No dear, save your energy."
He says " I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She says " I know, I poisoned you."

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Monday blues

Dr: what's wrong?
Bob: I'm depressed. I don't think anyone likes me.
Dr:what makes you say that?
Bob:well I had finally had it at work so I gave everyone in the office a box of poisoned candy on friday.
Dr: that's aweful!
Bob: yeah. I know. The worst part is they all still came in to work that Monday

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Rest in Peace - Ron B. U.C. Berkeley

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

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Socrates once said the love of pedagogy should inspire all those that teach to do so without compensation

He was poisoned by the Greek Teachers Union

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Who poisoned the waters in the 2016 Olympics?

It was I, **RIO**!!!

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I heard that the president was poisoned, then cured.

But the information is purely antidotal.

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Why did Snow White buy an android phone?

She thought the apple was poisoned.

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An alcoholic goes to the doctor..

The doctor diagnoses the man and says "You have alcohol poisoning."

The man replies, "I am going to find and KILL the person who poisoned my drinks!"

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I survived getting poisoned

I got sick after eating fish while in France. The doctor said it was...le poisson.

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isis was planning to use biological warfare against David Cameron...

but they got anthrax mixed up with tampax and poisoned the wrong cunt

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The truth about Russia...

[poisoned]

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The title says it all

I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

I'm calling it "Die Hard".

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What are the most funny Poisoned jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Poisoned? Well, here are the best Poisoned dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Poisoned pick up lines to share with friends.

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