Poison Jokes
119 poison jokes and hilarious poison puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about poison that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover a collection of poison jokes to tickle your funny bone! From poison ivy, to food poisoning, to cyanide, we've got something to make you chuckle at the darker side of toxic humor. Laugh your way through a comic roster of poison ivy, rat poison, and even a poison dart frog. Get ready to giggle your way to poison-based puns.
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Funniest Poison Short Jokes
Short poison jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The poison humour may include short venom jokes also.
- Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
- A wife was dying. A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you." - In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison... Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy. - Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
- My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning. The toughest part was acting surprised.
- What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider? That you're probably Australian.
- 1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning. 1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
- When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipe gave everyone food poisoning... I falafel.
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Poison One Liners
Which poison one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with poison? I can suggest the ones about hazard and harm.
- TIFU by hiding in poison oak Whoops, wrong shrub
- I poisoned my wifes pita dip The police charged me with hummus-cide
- Did you hear about the Germans who got food poisoning? It was the wurst.
- I ate a poisoned ball of chickpeas… And now I falafel.
- A Serious Issue Alcohol poisoning is a liver die situation.
- Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning Runs in the family
- The scariest warning that you can read in braille "Poisonous surface, do not touch"
- I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink... I dyed a little inside..
- What's the difference between venom and poison? One is black metal, the other glam…
- Yesterday, I got food poisoning I don't know when I'll use it
- I got food poisoning today. Not sure who im going to use it on.
- Is it possible to get steak poisoning? Yes, but it's really rare.
- A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning… I told him it was tasteless
- What do you get when you mix cyanide and water together? Poisoned.
- If a poison expires, Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?
Poison Ivy Jokes
Here is a list of funny poison ivy jokes and even better poison ivy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy... He was hoping for a rash of good luck.
- Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself. When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.
- What do you get when Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt fall in poison ivy? Mt. Rashmore.
- Where does a toxicologist go to get the best possible education? A Poison Ivy League College.
- How does Batman take care of Poison Ivy? Ointment.
- What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? A rash of good luck
- What's in Poison Ivy's underpants? Tulips.
- What do Japanese call a rabbit with poison ivy? Ichiban
- On a whim, I decided to roll around in some poison ivy. It was a real rash decision.
- Where do evil scientists get their degree? The Poison Ivy League.
Rat Poison Jokes
Here is a list of funny rat poison jokes and even better rat poison puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Had to buy rat poison last week. I'm with a really huge problem at home. Can't stand my roomate.
Poison Oak Jokes
Here is a list of funny poison oak jokes and even better poison oak puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies. I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.
Poison Ivy Batman Jokes
Here is a list of funny poison ivy batman jokes and even better poison ivy batman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Worst joke ever: why does Poison Ivy keep losing to batman? She is always thinking rash.
- Why doesn't Batman date Poison Ivy? She's a little too bushy for him.
Happy Poison Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about poison you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean overdose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make poison pranks.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for arsenic.
The pharmacist then asks what she needs it for, to which she replies: "I want to use it to poison my husband. The pharmacist says "Ma'am, I can not give you arsenic for that reason." The woman then pulls a photograph from her purse and hands it to him. It was a picture of two people having s**...; the man in the photo was her husband and the woman was the pharmacist's wife. He then says, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other...
The woman says "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee." The man says "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort)
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
A man goes to his Rabbi
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Because of the anti-semitic comments on my last joke, I am submitting a revised version
A ~~man~~k**... member goes to his ~~Rabbi~~ Grand Dragon.
"~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon calls the ~~man~~k**... member up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the ~~man~~k**... member asked.
"Take the poison."
Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all t**... in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sad story
A boy was jelous of his baby brother, so he put poison on his mother's n**.... The next day, the gardener died.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Divorce versus m**...
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .
One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, s**... out the poison, then spit it out."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're going to die."
A man goes to his rabbi.
He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 guys walk into a bar...
Socrates, Epictetus, and Descartes walk into a bar. Socrates goes up to the bartender first and the bartender asks him: "what's your poison?" Socrates say hemlock, takes a swig of some the bartender gives him and promptly dies. Next, Epictetus goes up to the bartender who asks Epictetus what he can bring him. Epictetus responds with: "It matters not, I will choose to like whatever you bring." So the bartender gets him a beer. Finally, Descartes goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks him if he can get him a beer like his friends, but Descartes says "I think not" and then disappears from existence.
TL;DR version: Socrates committed assisted-s**... by drinking hemlock. Epictetus had a whole "mind-over-matter" thing going for him so he could deal whatever life brought him. And, Descartes was the guy who said "Cogito ergo sum" (I think, therefore I am).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sees another man at a bar...
He had been sitting at a table for 15 minutes staring at his beer. He decides to walk over and take his beer. He c**... it all in one gulp, and the man at the table begins crying in uncontrollably. He begins to feel bad and says "don't worry, I'll buy you a new one". The man replies "you don't understand, I just caught my wife with my brother and I was going to poison myself... But now I have to buy more poison".
I accidently mixed some poison ivy with a 4 leafed clover and ever since I've had a rash of good luck...
I accidently mixed up some poison ivy with a 4 leafed clover and ever since I've had a rash of good luck...
My marriage is pretty much like a fairy tale.
Every time i try to tell my wife she's a princess she either falls asleep, runs away, or asks me to prove it.
and since i don't have a magic carpet or poison apple it's kind of hard...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about that new bald eagle poison?
It's i**... if you use it.
A saying that works for avoiding poison ivy and certain people
If you see white, danger is in sight.
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poisoning a gopher (an old joke)
We had a gopher problem in the back yard, so I asked my dad what it would take to get it under control. "It's a two man job," he explained. "o**... has to put the poison down its tiny hole, and the other guy has to hold its tiny legs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband talks to a rabbi.
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull...
She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me...
Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.
How is the American public now like Socrates?
By November, they will have both picked their poison.
Why do you give children who swallowed poison some milk?
To make them happy before they die.
A trucker walks into a bar
...drinks a glass of poison and dies immediately.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.
Once
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who poisoned the waters in the 2016 Olympics?
It was I, **RIO**!!!
Why did the man that drank 10 cups of poisoned Lipton not die?
He drank so much poison it built his immuni-tea.
A strange death incident occurred in the hospital.
He died of poison IV.
A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.
One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.
The next day, the twins' uncle died.
A concerned husband goes to his priest...
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Vladimir Putin wanted to poison a Mexican political enemy, would he use pollonium...
Or would he be too chicken?
No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.
What do you call it when you poison one potato in a bag of potatoes?
Irish Roulette.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the poisoned rat say to himself as his blood ceased to clot and internal bleeding ensued?
Bromadiolone.
Did you hear Poison the Third's son is dangerous?
You should definitely stay away from Poison IV.
A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"
What do you call a plant with an STD?
Poison H-Ivy
I met a person whose name was Poison
They were cyan eyed
A caretaker at a cemetery sees a woman crying over a grave...
"I'm sorry for your loss ma'am, was that your husband?"
"Yes. He died eating a poison mushroom"
The next day the caretaker sees the same woman crying over a different grave.
"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Who was he?"
"This was my second husband. He also died eating a poison mushroom"
The following day he sees the woman, again, crying over another grave.
"Don't tell me, was this your third husband?"
"Yes"
"Poison mushroom?"
"No, he died of a fractured skull. He wouldn't eat the mushroom"
What's your poison?
Two men are ordering drinks. One turns to the other and asks:
What's your poison?
H2O
Yours?
H2O too
My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."
I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Why would a Batman villain be disguised as a nurse?
To Poison IV!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy wants to commit s**...
A guy wants to commit s**... but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to s**... poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places the noose around his neck, puts the gun to his temple and takes a mouthful of poison and jumps. The gun goes off and he misses his head and the bullet cuts the rope in half. He screams as he falls into the water below. The water rushes into his mouth and washes the poison away. He swims to shore and says " Thank God, if I hadn't been able to swim I might have drowned."
Two Russians enter in a pub in London...
Barman: What poison would you like?
A woman walked into a pharmacy...
...and told the pharmacist that she needed
some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy --
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license; they'll throw you and I in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police. The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.
His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."
C.C. DeVille and Bret Michaels just announced a new song about a yound drug addict who makes barrels
Alice Cooper by Poison
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I Were Your Husband
"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
"Nancy," replied Winston,
"If I were your husband, I'd drink that coffee."
TIL Marcel Marceau got a bad case of poison ivy as a child.
to stop the itching, his mom gave him some calamime lotion.
If you're thinking about mixing together poison ingredients...
Don't whisk it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue
However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.
How was the man killed by his own shoes?
They were laced with poison.
I left my poison obsessed boyfriend recently
Needless to say, it was a pretty toxic relationship
I accidentally drink a poison today. . .
Thankfully, it was expired yesterday.
My son just died.
I told him that he eats his words.
Then he said "poison".
What did the poisonous spider get pulled over for?
Recluse driving.
Hilte, he attacc, he protecc, but most importantly...
He ate a small poison tic tacc.
Back in school my friends almost convinced me to smoke poison ivy.
Luckily, I didn't do anything rash.
Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?
He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.
You're poisoned and have a minute to live. What do you do?
Drink a bucket of milk
Why Didn't The Man Die When He Drank Poison?
He was in the living room.
A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie
Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?
Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds
Head producer: You're over-thinking this, let's just keep it low-key
Poison
A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"
Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.
The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.
About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.
Mendel says "So, what do you think?"
The rabbi's eyes drop to the floor and in a low, but clear voice says, "Take the poison".
