Following is our collection of funny Poison jokes. There are some poison arsenic jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these poison deadly puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
The woman says "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee." The man says "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.
"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behing her, the guard comes running out with his pants down.
Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe!
A boy was jelous of his baby brother, so he put poison on his mother's nipples. The next day, the gardener died.
A man goes to his rabbi and says, "Help, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
The rabbi says, "That can't be true! Here, let me go talk to her!"
A time later, the rabbi returns and says
"I spoke to your wife for 3 hours, and
If i were you, I'd take the poison."
He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."
He had been sitting at a table for 15 minutes staring at his beer. He decides to walk over and take his beer. He chugs it all in one gulp, and the man at the table begins crying in uncontrollably. He begins to feel bad and says "don't worry, I'll buy you a new one". The man replies "you don't understand, I just caught my wife with my brother and I was going to poison myself... But now I have to buy more poison".
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
You can explore poison poisonous reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean poison lethal dad jokes. There are also poison puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A Poison Ivy League College.
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
We had a gopher problem in the back yard, so I asked my dad what it would take to get it under control. "It's a two man job," he explained. "One guy has to put the poison down its tiny hole, and the other guy has to hold its tiny legs."
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
I need to quit making rash decisions.
Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?
She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."
Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.
Once
It was I, **RIO**!!!
Tulips.
He died of poison IV.
One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.
The next day, the twins' uncle died.
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
Or would he be too chicken?
A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.
Irish Roulette.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!
As he lay, he turned and looked to his wife and said "My dear wife, I must make a confession"
"There is no need." She said
"No" the man replied. "I must tell you before I die."
"If you must." She said.
"I slept with not only you but your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter, and many other women." He told her.
His wife, not angered by this, turned to him and said.
"I know. Now just rest and let the poison do its work."
The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"
Poison H-Ivy
Two men are ordering drinks. One turns to the other and asks:
What's your poison?
H2O
Yours?
H2O too
Whoops, wrong shrub
I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."
To Poison IV!
The Poison Ivy League.
In the Skripal case, I am for a symmetrical answer: let the British poison two of their betrayers in the center of Moscow and calm down.
Barman: What poison would you like?
It was a real rash decision.
His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."
Alice Cooper by Poison
Wait, wrong shrub.
Ichiban
Don't whisk it!
However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.
They were laced with poison.
Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.
Is it be less dangerous or getting more dangerous ?
Thankfully, it was expired yesterday.
I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.
I told him that he eats his words.
Then he said "poison".
Whoops, wrong shrub.
Recluse driving.
Drink a bucket of milk
When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.
A rash of good luck
"If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!" Churchill replied "If you were my wife, I would drink it."
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Man: Dear I have to tell you a secret.
Wife: You don't have to.
Man: I must. I cannot leave this world with this secret. Please forgive me.
Wife: Ok, tell me.
Man: I have a mistress.
Wife: I know. I found out earlier today. Now stop resisting and let the rat poison kill you.
Ointment.
He was in the living room.
Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?
Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds
Head producer: You're over-thinking this, let's just keep it low-key
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
A worried man goes to see his priest.
"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."
Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is: Take the poison"
Would you call that toxic vasculinity?
The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.
About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.
Mendel says "So, what do you think?"
The rabbi's eyes drop to the floor and in a low, but clear voice says, "Take the poison".
Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."
Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."
Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"
Joe: "They all died, Jim."
Jim: "How did that happen?"
Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."
Jim: "How terrible! And your second?"
Joe: "She ate poison mushrooms."
Jim: "And your third ate poison mushrooms too?"
Joe: "Oh, no. She died of blunt head trauma."
Jim: "I see, an accident."
Joe: "Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
He was hoping for a rash of good luck.
Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the poison salts jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working poison drank piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.