Pointing Finger Jokes

At the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness, an old woman around 80 and he asks her with a professional style: "Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?"
"Of course, I know you Mr. Smith! says the old woman. I know you since you were little, and I have to confess that I am very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat on your wife repeatedly, you gossip about your clients. Of course, I know you!"
Speechless, by the unexpected answer, the lawyer points with his finger on the other side of the court room and says: "Do you know the defense lawyer?"
"Oh, yes! I know Mr. Soft as well. I was holding him in my arms when he was a baby, and I can say that I am disappointed in him, too. He’s a drunk and a gamester. He finds it hard to develop a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers of our town!"
At that point, the Chairman interrupts the process and demands from the two lawyers to approach the bench. When they do, he bends over and whispers to them: "If any of you jerks, asks if she knows me, you’re s**...!"

The Rabbi and the Devil

So, one day, the devil visits a synagogue while all the folk are deep in the middle of whatever it is they do at synagogues.
Once the smoke and clamour clears, the devil steps forth, slicing the air his pitchfork, flashing eyes of fire. At the sight of him, hooves and all, all the men and women in attendance run screaming for their lives out of the synagogue, trailing their children behind them.
As pleased as the devil is with his grand appearance, he can't help but twist his head to look at the rabbi, who's calmly putting his things away for the night with a tired sigh.
"You," the devil says, pointing his spindly finger at him, "rabbi. Do you not know who I am?"
The rabbi only sighs and continues to clear up the place.
The devil steps closer to the man, scalding the floor with each step. "And yet you do not seem to be afraid, why is that?" he hisses, s**... his beard.
The rabbi shrugs. "Why should I be? I've been married to your sister these past forty-three years."
.
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Credit/Source: video I watched on youtube a while ago. I've probably added/cut-out from the original, but that's the charm of Chinese whispers, no?

Blood Bank

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a woman.
He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?" She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.
As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the woman where she was going.
She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the
gentleman where he was going.
He responded, "I'm going to the s**... bank on the 5th floor; I donate s**... there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".
The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the woman was standing inside.
He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor?
At this point in the joke, the teller raises five fingers and makes a suitable mouth-full-of-s**... noise.

An Italian, An Irishman and a Chinese fellow.

Hopefully not posted earlier.
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, You're in charge of sweeping. He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, You're in charge of digging. Finally, he turns to the c**..., And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.
Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. Why didn't you touch it? he says. The Italian looks at him. We didn't have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn't find him. Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the c**... leaps from behind the sand and yells Supplies!

r**... Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.
Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don't want to go deaf! To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, 6, 7...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."