Pocket Jokes
184 pocket jokes and hilarious pocket puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pocket that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a laugh, check out our collection of pocket jokes. These short, sweet jokes are perfect for when you need a quick chuckle.
Quick Jump To
- Short Pocket Jokes
- Pocket One Liners
- Pocket Money Jokes
- Pocket Watch Jokes
- Hot Pocket Jokes
- Pocket Knife Jokes
- Pocket Dial Jokes
- More Pocket Jokes
Funniest Pocket Short Jokes
Short pocket jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pocket humour may include short purse jokes also.
- I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
- It was so cold in D.C. today... that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
- A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn't want it to just go towards crack and alcohol So I gave it to the homeless man
- Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy. Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket
- If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.
My grandfathers favorite joke. - What is the fastest way to become sober? Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket
- Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their hands through their hair.
- What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches.
- My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.
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Pocket One Liners
Which pocket one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pocket? I can suggest the ones about handbag and wallet.
- It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
- A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket He said, " How could someone stoop so low"
- Is that a sushi roll in your pocket? Or are you just happy sashimi?
- Did you hear about the guy who pick pocketed a midget? How could he stoop so low?
- "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.
- Your mama's so fat... She's got dollars in one pocket and yen in the other.
- What did the cop tell the midget that was pick pocketed? How can anyone stoop that low!?
- I was reading earlier about a dwarf who got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
- I like leaving receipts in my pockets It reminds me of when I had money.
- Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets ? To run his hands through his hair.
- How do you steal from a fence? You picket's pockets
- What do I have if I have $15 in one pocket and $20 in the other Somebody else's pants on
- Hey baby, is that a gun in my pocket? Get in the van.
- Yo momma so fat When she moves her phone from one pocket to another, it changes network!
- My phone just fell down a flight of stairs... But it's ok, it was in my pocket.
Pocket Money Jokes
Here is a list of funny pocket money jokes and even better pocket money puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A homeless guy asked me for some money today I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.
- I saw a homeless man asking for money I had 20$ in my pocket but I didn't want it to go to crack and alcohol.
So I gave it to the homeless guy - A homeless man was asking me for the £20 note in my pocket, I thought to myself, do I really want this money to be spent on drugs? The answer was no so I gave him the twenty
- I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you" I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
- What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears? A gf gif gift grift
- My dad accidentally left cash in his pocket when he washed his pants in the washing machine He proud screamed throughout the house "Hey everyone I'm laundering money"
- I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets. They charged me for laundering money.
- I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.
- What's the difference between Harvey Weinstein and EA? EA only sticks their hands in your pants if you have money in your pockets.
- A kid comes up to a bus and the driver asks him if he has the money to ride.
The kid pulls a few coins out of his pocket. "Is this good?"
The driver nods. "Fare enough."
Pocket Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny pocket watch jokes and even better pocket watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300. You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.
- Today I donated a watch... Today I donated a watch and $500 dollars to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put back his knife in his pocket.
- Yesterday I donated my phone, wallet and watch to a poor guy... You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.
- Today I donated my watch, phone and $100 to a poor man on the street. You have no idea how happy I felt when he put the knife back in his pocket.
- My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches. When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.
- Today I donated my watch, phone and 90 bucks to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt .... ... as I saw him put his knife back in pocket.
- Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt when I saw him put the knife back in his pocket.
- They make wrist watches, and pocket watches. I finally figured out why they don't make belt buckle watches: It's a waist of time.
- I donated my watch to a homeless person today. I was so happy when he put his knife back in his pocket.
- So today I gave my watch, my phone and $500 to a homeless guy I was so happy when he put his knife back into his pocket.
Hot Pocket Jokes
Here is a list of funny hot pocket jokes and even better hot pocket puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I always wondered how in Goldilocks, the same serving of porridge could be too hot, too cold and just right at the same time. Then I remembered Hot Pockets
- Yo momma is so poor that when I asked her whats for dinner tonight she lit her pocket on fire and said, "hot pocket."
- What's the difference between an Nvidia card and an AMD card? One empties your pocket.
The other makes Hot Pockets. - I feel like a hot pocket Frozen inside and burnt out
- Reddit is like a Hot Pocket. It's full of garbage and cheese.
- What do you call pants on fire? Hot pockets.
- What do you get when you put pants in the microwave? Hot Pockets
- Two cannibals Two cannibals are eating Jim Gaffigan. One turns to the other and says
"Does this taste funny to you"
The other replies
"It tastes like a hot pocket - A little boy says to his dad 'What is the difference between wealth and poverty?'
And the dad says:
'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!' - What food can still be frozen, but will still burn your tongue? A hot pocket
Pocket Knife Jokes
Here is a list of funny pocket knife jokes and even better pocket knife puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket
- Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy Words cannot describe the happiness i felt as he put his knife back in his pocket...
- Today, I donated a my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't know how happy he looked as he put his knife back in his pocket.
- Is that a Ginsu knife in your pocket... ...or are you just happy to sashimi?
- Did you hear about the pocket knife that fell in love with a sharpening stone? They're lawfully whetted now.
- Today I donated $200 to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness i felt when he put his knife back in his pocket.
- [Dark] Some bloke poses a riddle: "How can you kill thousands of people with a pocket knife without shedding any blood?" Other bloke: "Hey didn't you say you worked in intensive care?"
Pocket Dial Jokes
Here is a list of funny pocket dial jokes and even better pocket dial puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I thought I pocket dialed you... But it was just a clothes call.
- What is a s**... b**... worst nightmare? Pocket dials
Comical Pocket Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about pocket you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean palm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pocket pranks.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his p**... back in his pocket.
911 What's your emergency?
**Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!
**911:** Did you check your pockets?
**Kangaroo *[pats pocket]*:** Oh... nevermind.
Woman:"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just
happy to see me?"
Man: "Either way love, we'll be having s**... in a minute"
A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...
...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.
He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.
"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"
Battery
An old woman mistook me for an employee at the supermarket.
She asked, "how much does just one AA battery cost?"
I had one in my pocket, but it was dead. I handed it over and said, "Here, no charge."
A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.
He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a h**.... She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."
Engineering students
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...
And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He replied: "Either way, we're having s**... tonight"
Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?
Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone sing a Macklemore song out loud...
...I would have 20 dollars in my pocket
The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...
After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.
Making Sense of What's Happening in Europe
A policeman enters an interrogation room, in Athens, Greece.
He tells the perp: "You are accused of robbing the Bank of Greece, tell us where the money is!"
The perp reaches into his pocket and takes out a five-euro note.
"Here you go."
Father, what causes arthritis?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
Two magicians walk into a bakery
The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims "Ta-Dah." The bakery is angered and asks "Well what's the magic trick?" The second magician replies "Look in my friend's pocket."
My eight year old niece told me this. I think it's pretty funny!
An elephant is passing by an apple tree, and he spots a monkey up there. He asks the monkey,
"Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?"
*"I'm gonna eat bananas now."*
"s**... monkey, you are sitting on an apple tree!"
*"s**... elephant, I got bananas in my pocket."*
Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...
she exclaims, "Some a**...'s got my pen!"
Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket...
"Some a**...'s got my pen"
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
What's the worst thing about a woman's p**...?
Your nuts hang out the side.
A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
My friend gave me a new "magic" golf ball.
As long as you put to within 3 inches of the pin, the ball will always find its way to the hole.
He did not recommend I keep it in my back pocket.
I thought about getting a pocket calculator...
...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.
I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.
The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'
If you know an Arab, you don't have to steal...
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
A guy goes into a bar...
He sits and ask for 2 beers. After he finished them, he take something in his pocket, look at it, put it back and ask for 2 more beers. After he finished them, he did the same process and ask for 2 more beers.
After he did it 4 more times, the bartender intrigued ask the guy what's in his pocket.
- Ohh its just a picture of my wive! When i'm drunk enough to find her attractive I know it's time to go home.
Right and Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
Getting Drunk
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
Count Dracula walks into a bar...
and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used t**... from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve
They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a c**..., so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'
I thought about buying a pocket calculator
and then I thought who care how many pockets I have
My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.
There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
A doctor walks into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a r**... thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great...some a**...'s got my pen."
I once saw an Arab on a flight....
I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.
A guy meets a s**... worker in a bar.
She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'
A woman goes into a pharmacy
She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having s**... with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."
A nurse goes to sign a discharge form and pulls a r**... thermometer out of her pocket.
'Oh great, some a**...'s got my pen.'
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim
I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.
A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that r**... is looking at your cookie."
A man walks into a bar...
And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!
The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"
The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.
Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"
With age comes wisdom
An old man was fishing at the riverbank. Along came a frog who said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant you any s**... favor you desire!"
The old man thought about it and put the frog in his coat pocket.
"Aren't you going to kiss me?" said the frog.
"I'm 75, I'd rather have a talking frog!"
A grave digger...
A grave digger hears a story about how Mozart had an unfinished song folded up in his coat pocket when he was buried.
The grave digger goes to the cemetery where Mozart was buried, and starts digging at the composer's grave.
The grave digger hits the coffin.
The grave digger opens the coffin, and sees Mozart holding the unfinished piece, and erasing each note on at a time.
The grave digger yells, "What are you doing?!"
Mozart responds with, "Decomposing."
I'll never forget my wife's last words
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a r**... thermometer
"Ugh, some a**...'s got my pen!"
A guy asks a bartender for a shot
After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."
A guy walks into a w**......
A guy walks into a w**... with $2 in his pocket. The man in charge says well for two dollars there's a dead h**... upstairs, you can have your way with her for ten minutes.
Ten minutes later, the patron comes back downstairs and the man in charge asks him how it was.
"It was okay, but the only thing is her nose kept running."
"Ahhh," said the man in charge, "she must be full."
A nurse found a r**... thermometer in her pocket and thought...
"Some a**...'s got my pen"
I saw a homeless man holding a sign. It said, "£2 will change my life."
Unfortunately, I only had a £5 note in my pocket.
I saw an electronic sign that said 'Check Your Speed' in flashing lights.
Lucky I did, it had almost fallen out of my pocket.
I like my women like I like my phones
Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
A doctor at work
A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a r**... thermometer instead. "Some a**...'s got my pen!", he exclaims.
*Edited on the suggestion of /u/c**...-hooks*
A guy is approached by a h**... in a bar. She says, "This
A guy is approached by a h**... in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."
My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"?
I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."
Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pants pocket??
So he could run a hand through his hair!!!
This homeless man had a sign that said "one day this could be you"
So i put my dollar back in my pocket just in case he wasn't lying
Jewish Judge
Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers became uncomfortable.
" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."
The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...
"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.
Two vampires walk into a bar
Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.
The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"
The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping t**... from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"
A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket
A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket. He calls the bartender over and asks for another shot. Again, he downs the shot and looks back in his pocket.
He continues to do this and the bartender finally says, Every time I️ pour you a shot, you down it, look in your pocket and order another. What's in your pocket?
The guy responds, A picture of my wife. When she starts to look good I'll head home.
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
A vampire walks into a bar...
The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?"
The vampire says "hot water please"
The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?"
The vampire pulls a used t**... out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea."
I went to my in-laws for dinner
An argument inevitably broke out and my wife told me not to take sides.
I told her "they wont notice", as I slid the roast potatoes into my pocket "they are to distracted"
One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,
So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be d**... the father said
He's going to become a politician.
A couple on the first date.
She: What are your hobbies?
He (gets a stuffed hamster out of his pocket): Taxidermy.
Hamster: And ventriloquism!
A nurse pulls a r**... thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...
"d**..., some a**...'s got my pen."
A guy picks up a h**...
She says, This is your lucky night. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.
The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.
Paint…my….house.
Proctologist walks into a bank
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a r**... thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some a**...'s got my pen!"
A nurse pulls a r**... thermometer out of her pocket....
"Oh no, some a**... has my pen!"
