Pocket Watch Jokes

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

A medical student is driving home on a narrow country road in the middle of the night after his shift in the hospital.
The weather is terrible.
It's raining cats and dogs.
Suddenly a motorbike is screaming by with very high speed.
"Jesus Crhist! What an idiot! He will c**... if he doesn't slow down!"
A few minutes later he spotted in his headlights on the side of the road the torn up motorbike against a big tree.
He stopped and quickly jumped out of his car to see in he can give first aid.
But it's to late.
The biker is already dead.
He looked around if there is anyone around. Nobody to see.
The student thouhgt "This is the oppertunity to finally obtain a real human eye!"
He always carryrna spoon and a glass eye in his pocket for an opperunity like this.
He quickly removes the left eye and places the glass eye in the socket.
One quick look around and he jumps in his car and races off.
The next morning when he wakes up he turned on the tv and watches the news.
It said: "Biker found dead on country road with 2 glass eyes."

A man is walking down the street very hungry....

and he only has 2 dollars in his pocket. No matter where he looks, 2 dollars doesn't seem to buy him a meal. That is until he comes across a restaurant who specializes in chili, and they were having a special. One bowl of chili for 2 dollars! So the man walks into the restaurant and immediately sees a man sitting over a big bowl of chili, but not touching it. The man asks: "are you eating that?" "No, you can have it" the other man replied. So our hungry friend starts on the chili. It tasted amazing! It had the right amount of spice, warmth, good amount of chunks. He wolfed it down in less than 5 minutes, and the man that gave him the chili sat and watched the entire time. When he got to the bottom of the chili, he uncovered 4 toenails at the bottom of the bowl. This was so revolting that he immediately vomited back into the bowl, filling it right back to the top again. That's when the man who gave him the chili said: "Yeah, that happened to me too"

Three men die in a car c**... on Christmas Eve...

When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.
"Welcome to Heaven!" exclaimed St. Peter, "Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."
The first man thinks for a second, and pulls out his keys, shaking them in front of St. Peter. "They're jingle bells!"
St. Peter lets the man in.
The second man digs through his pockets, finally producing a lighter, flicking in on for St. Peter. "It's a candle!"
St. Peter lets the man in.
The third man had been watching nervously as his friends were let in. He stood there, panicking, not being able to come up with anything. Eventually he excitedly pulls a pair of p**... out of his pocket, waving them in front of St. Peter.
"I'm afraid I don't understand the connection." said St. Peter.
"They're Carol's" exclaims the man.

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

So I was talking to a woman yesterday...

And told her a very interesting story that happened to me the other day. I told her about this very strange man I saw downtown. It went a little like this:
"So, a weird thing happened to me yesterday. I was out downtown where I saw this guy just standing there. He pulled something out of his pocket...and then dropped it. He then bent down and picked it up, only to drop it again. He kept on doing this....A few moments later, someone else came by, watched what this guy was doing, and then started copying the guy.
He, too pulled something out of his pocket, dropped it, and bent over and grabbed it, only to repeat. Within a few minutes, a fairly large crowd formed and watched what they were doing...and sure enough, the all kind of stood one behind another and started copying the first guy... It was the weirdest thing in the world!"
She responded with extreme confusion, "Wait...is that some sort of joke?"
"No" I said..."It's a pickup line ;)"

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table...

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If my son takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

Frying pan..

A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "

A jew in his death bed and a Rolex

A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.
In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."
"I see it daddy", answers the son
And then the old men continues, "This watch as with me during my whole life. It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".
With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"
Finally, the jew with a proud look and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy?"

There were two guys walking by a bakery

Jim said, " Hey, watch this. I'm gonna steal a couple donuts."
He comes back a minute later. "He didn't even notice," Jim said to Steve.
"Ugh, all you think about is theft. Here, watch this. I'll get two donuts as well." Steve responded.
He goes up to the owner of the bakery.
"Hey, wanna see a magic trick?"

The owner agrees.
"I'll need two donuts."
The owner gives them to Steve, who then eats both of them.
"What's the trick?!" Asks the owner, thinking he was lied to.
Steve just replied, "Check my friend's back pocket."

Two men were walking past a bakery...

One says, "watch this"; he proceeds to slide in, sneak three buns into his pockets and, having pilfered them, exits to his friend.
His friend says "that's nothing, I can get the same result with a far more honest method."
He approaches the bakery owner and says "do you want to see a magic trick my friend?"
Intrigued, the owner complies and asks what the trick is.
"I'll need a bun from your store"
The baker hands it to him, he proceeds to eat this. He does this with two more buns.
Eventually the baker asks "what's the trick mate?"
Just look in my friend's pocket…

Broke and starving, Bill & Ted walks up to a bakery.

Bill: "Look..I stole 3 pieces of bread, placed them in my pocket and the baker didn't even notice. It's like magic!
Ted: "You want to see real magic? Watch this."
Ted approaches the baker: "Excuse me, sir. Would you like to see a magic trick? Let me eat 3 pieces of your bread then watch me bring them back." "Sure. Let's see it" replied the Baker.
So, Ted heartily eats 3 pieces of bread. Baker:"Ok..you said you were gonna bring my bread back. Where are they?"
Ted: "See my friend over here? Check his pocket. Your 3 pieces of bread are in there."

A black guy and a white guy walk into a bakery...

The black guy goes up to the counter, steals 3 pasties without getting caught, and he puts them in his pocket.
He says to the white guy 'did you see that, he didn't even notice'
'Oh yeah?' the white guy responded 'watch this'
He goes up to the counter, takes three pasties, and eats them whilst walking out of the store.
'Hey!' shouted the cashier 'you have to pay for those'
'Oh no, it's a magic trick' explained the white guy 'Look in that black guys pockets'

s**... worm

A grandfather is watching his grandson playing in the yard and asks what is he doing.
The grandson says:
- I'm shoving the worms back into their hole.
- And how can you do it if the worm is all limp and flaccid?
- It's a secret grandfather!
- I'll give you 10 bucks if you teach me how to do it.
- Well, I'll spread some wood glue, stretch the worm, wait until it dries and stays hard and then just put it in the hole.
- Take your 10 bucks.
The next day the grandfather goes to the kid, takes $100 from his pocket and gives to the grandson.
- Grandfather, have you forgotten? You already gave me $10 yesterday.
- I know. Those $100 are from your grandmother.

A guy is relaxing on his chair watching TV when his wife comes up and smacks him over the head with a frying pan

A guy is relaxing on his chair watching TV when his wife comes up and smacks him over the head with a frying pan.
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"What was that for?" he asked
​
"I was doing your laundry and found piece of paper in your pocket with the name 'Dorothy' on it"
​
"I was at the track. That was to remind me what horse to bet on"
​
The next night, she hits him over the head again while he's watching TV.
​
"What was that for?" he asked
​
"Your horse just called"