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Pocket Money Jokes

79 pocket money jokes and hilarious pocket money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pocket money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Pocket Money Short Jokes

Short pocket money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pocket money humour may include short pocket jokes also.

  1. A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn't want it to just go towards crack and alcohol So I gave it to the homeless man
  2. A homeless guy asked me for some money today I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.
  3. I saw a homeless man asking for money I had 20$ in my pocket but I didn't want it to go to crack and alcohol.
    So I gave it to the homeless guy
  4. A homeless man was asking me for the £20 note in my pocket, I thought to myself, do I really want this money to be spent on drugs? The answer was no so I gave him the twenty
  5. I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you" I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
  6. What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears? A gf gif gift grift
  7. My dad accidentally left cash in his pocket when he washed his pants in the washing machine He proud screamed throughout the house "Hey everyone I'm laundering money"
  8. I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets. They charged me for laundering money.
  9. I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing. I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.
  10. What's the difference between Harvey Weinstein and EA? EA only sticks their hands in your pants if you have money in your pockets.

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Pocket Money One Liners

Which pocket money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pocket money? I can suggest the ones about pocket watch and piggy bank.

  1. I like leaving receipts in my pockets It reminds me of when I had money.
  2. What's the name of the asian guy who always has enough money in his pocket? Exact Lee
  3. Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
  4. That priceless moment when you find money in you pocket
  5. Why the young tailor couldn't finish his father's pants? Because he had no pocket money.
  6. At age 30, I have more money than I have had s**.... I have exactly 1 dollar in my pocket.

Pocket Money Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about pocket money you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean money bags jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pocket money pranks.

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed.


"What's this for?" she asks her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."

Womens are like computer virus...
they ENTER your life...
SEARCH your pocket...
SHIFT your balance ...
CONTROL your life...
when you become an old version DELET you from the system

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.


Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet.
Amanpreet agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one s**..., but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
”What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
”And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. ”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

Girls are like an internet virus:
they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile...

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "

One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

I was folding my pants, fresh out the drier, and found a dollar in a pocket. Jesus Christ...

How long have I been laundering money?

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"

Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long

A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Wishes

A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Painting a Church: My favourite joke

Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.
One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.
Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.
Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.
Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"
And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

My girlfriend told me this one

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,

I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was s**... but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.
That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room

A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and change onto the bar.
"That should cover it." (s)he says. As the (wo)man walks away, the bartender counts it out and to her surprise, it's the exact total of the bill. Looking back up, she sees that the (wo)man has returned. (S)He once again reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out exactly 20% of the bill before tax.
"There ya go, sorry about that." (s)he says.

The bartender asks, "Mind if I ask you about the exact change and the ostrich(horse)?

"You see," (s)he says, "A long time ago, I was an archaeologist. While in arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes. The first, obviously, was for eternal youth and fitness. Second, unlimited wealth- any time I buy something, I just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. The third, well, the third wish was for a tall, youthful, long-legged(well-endowed) chick(stud) who would always stick by my side and share my interests."

Humorous jokes: A man in a bar

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, Here…paint my house.

Making Sense of What's Happening in Europe

A policeman enters an interrogation room, in Athens, Greece.
He tells the perp: "You are accused of robbing the Bank of Greece, tell us where the money is!"
The perp reaches into his pocket and takes out a five-euro note.
"Here you go."

A Rabbi Joke

"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars out of his own pocket. The next time he saw Cohen the rabbi gave him the money and said, "Here, God sent this to you!"
Back home Cohen was grateful. "Thank you Lord," he said. "But next time can you not send it thru Rabbi Schomburg? That crook kept half of it!"

The little Justine come home with 20 dollars...

... the mom asks her where she got the money.
I won a bet, because little Johny said that I couldn't climb a tree.
Mom: Oh, but then he saw under your skirt and your p**....
Little Girl Proudly: No he didn't because they were in my pocket.

Kid looking for odd jobs comes to a guys door

"Hey mister" he starts out, "I'm looking for some work for pocket money over the holidays".
Impressed by the youngster's work ethic the man says "Sure son; there's a few tins of paint in the garage. Go get them and paint the porch and I'll give you $20"
4 hours later there was a knock on the man's door by a paint spattered youth holding his hand out for payment who says "I've finished and by the way that's not a porch it's a BMW"

A Blonde With Paint

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I'll bet I have more money in my pocket than you do.

Of course I do - you have no money in my pocket.

I keep photos of my wife and children in my wallet. They sit in the pockets where my money used to be.

Another blonde joke.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

2 Mexican brothers crossed the border and need money

(Slightly Racist - You have been warned)
Jose and Juan, 2 brothers, crossed the border to USA and had no cash. Their plan was to beg on the streets for some money. So the two brothers both got cardboard and made their own signs. Juan says "Lets split up, you go up the street, I do down, we meet here at night."
Jose agrees to the plan and heads up the street with his sign begging for money at a busy intersection. Juan feeling good about his plan goes down the street at another intersection and begs also.
By the end of the day, the 2 brothers meet where they started with all their money. Juan, still feeling good about his plan, shows his younger brother he made $40! While Juan is laughing, his younger brother pulls out $200 from his pockets.
Juan shocked ask his brother, "How did you make so much money?" His brother responded, "Read my sign." Jose's sign reads "Need $20 to go back to Mexico"
(My dad told me this joke when I was 10, I live in LA area)

A blonde, wanting to earn some money...

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

So, a guy is hanging out at a bar before meeting up with his girlfriend.

So, a guy was hangin out at a bar, before going to meet his girlfriend. He ends up getting wasted, throwing up all over himself, and missing his date. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Man, she's gonna kill me when I show up drunk and covered in p**...!"
The bartender says, "You have a twenty dollar bill?"
"Yeah," says the guy.
"Well, stick it jn your front pocket, and tell you girlfriend a drunk threw up on you, and he put a 20 in your pocket so you can have your shirt cleaned. Problem solved!"
So the guy goes home to confront his girlfriend, and she starts yelling at him, accusing him of being sloppy drunk.
"No! Another guy threw up on me! See, he even gave me twenty bucks to have my shirt cleaned!"
The girlfriend takes the money, "There's forty dollars here."
"He pooped my pants, too."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.

The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."

Why is paper money more valuable than coins?

When you put it in your pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
-

My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.

I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"

She said, "Money laundering."

A pastor is speaking to his church.

A pastor is speaking to his church. He tells them, 'I have good and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay off all the church debts and build a new wing to the church.'
The congregation clapped and cheered.
He continues. 'The bad news is, it's still in your pockets.'

Payment

Boy - I wish to marry your daughter.
Father - How much do you earn?
Boy - 10K.
Father - I give her 8K as pocket money.
Boy - Yes i included that in my payment.

Why has the pick-pocketing industry seen such a downturn?

There's no longer money in wallets.

Son and Dad $$$

Son is away for the summer in a camp. He runs out of pocket money so he writes to his dad:
No money
No fun
Your son
Dads response:
How sad
Very bad
Your dad

Trump And The Vending Machine

In a calm White House, Trump finds no one to serve him a coke.
Embarrassed and outraged, he walks until he finds a vending machine. Trump has never seen a vending machine.
Bigly has some change in his pocket; touching money gives him luck.
Trump puts a coin into the machine and this one delivers a can.
Then he inserts another coin which delivers another can.
Trump goes on until he's spent all his change.
Lucky for him, an intern passes in a hurry, looking down. He stops her and embarrassed, he asks her for some change.
Confused at the all scene, she asks why?
"I keep on winning!" trump says.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.

Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.

An 86 y/o man is on his deathbed next to his loved one...

-Honey, there's something I've got to tell you.
-What is it?
The man takes an old key out of his pocket
-This key opens the safebox behind that picture
His bride moves the picture, opens the safebox with the key and finds four eggs and 24000 dollars.
-What is this, honey?
-Everytime I haven't been loyal to you, I've put an egg in there.
-We've been 60 years married, I don't care you've cheated on me only four times.
The woman turns and takes the money.
-And what about all this money?
-Oh, I sell them everytime I reach the dozen.

So i went to an shop to buy a vacuum cleaner...

And i looked at the prices, one was $100 the other was $99.
I looked in my pocket and i had $200.
But they were too cheap, so i went to look in a thirft store for something better.
When i got there, one was $130, the other $200 and the other $100.
But those were all used vacuum cleaners, and some of them were in a real bad shape.
So i went into another store, this one was especially fancy.
One was $500 the other was $400, but i had no money for that!
I went home feeling sad and angry for the rest of the day.
But thinking back now, there is no reasom to be sad because of it, they all s**... anyway

I was on a date at a restaurant.

At the end, she reached around in her pockets, then said, "Oh noooo! I forgot my purse!"
"How convenient," I replied. "It's fine, I'll pay."
I won't be seeing her again. But at least I have her purse, even if I had to use the money that was in it.

I left cash in my pocket when I put my pants in the washing machine

I was arrested for money laundering

My dad used to let me put my pocket money in a locked box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter!

I accidentally left a dollar in my pants pocket, and it went through the washer and dryer.

I hope the police don't find out about my money laundering scheme...

My dad always told me to always check my pants pockets before I put them in the washer, in case there was some money.

Because if you leave it there, you could be arrested for laundering money.

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

A man realized he needed to pu...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane

The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"

Teenage boys

Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having s**... with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, 'It wasn't Mary Jones, was it?' The boy says 'No, Father it wasn't'. The priest asks' 'Was it Angela Brown?'. The boy replies 'No, Father. it wasn't. 'It wasn't Jane Carter by any chance?' The boy says 'No father it wasn't' The priest gives up and says 'Well for your penance say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box.' When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. He replies 'Not bad, a $5 fine and three great leads!'

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:
Make me one with everything.
The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.
Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.
Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.

The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.
It was tough, and a little messy.
But for a clean a**...?
it was the best 43 cents i'd ever spent.

A kid comes up to a bus

and the driver asks him if he has the money to ride.
The kid pulls a few coins out of his pocket. "Is this good?"
The driver nods. "Fare enough."

I was on a date at a restaurant.

At the end, she reached around in her pockets, then said, "Oh noooo! I forgot my purse!"
I said, "It's fine, don't worry...I'll pay."
"You're a gent," she replied.
Thankfully I made the money back by selling her purse.