Happy Plenty Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
Anybody know some white people jokes?
I'm an avid racist and like to have plenty of denigrating jokes at the ready for any particular race. Sadly I know very few targeted at Caucasians, and the ones I do know make them look sorta good (rich, stable, part of ruling elite). Anybody know any jokes that poke fun at being white?
Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.
A Mexican,American,and Italian
There's a Mexican an American and Italian.They're flying on a plane which is about to c**....Each one have to throw something out or the plane will c**....The mexican goes:"ill throw out all these tacos,there's plenty from were i come from next goes the italian and says:"ill throw out all these pizzas they're plenty from were i come from and finaly the amercian goes:ill throw out the mexican they're plenty of these were i come from
There's plenty of fish in the sea(fixed)
But until I find one I'm just stuck holding my rod
A jew and a mexican are talking...
The jew says, "lemme ask you something, are theres jews in mexico?"
The mexican replies "oh yes my friend, plenty of jews...apple jews, orange jews, and tomato jews."
Higgs Boson walks into a church
Pastor says "*oh no, no you don't! You have caused the church plenty trouble already, I must ask you to leave immediately!*"
Higgs Boson replies "*but without me, how will you have mass?*"
I don't know guys what is your problem with black people, they are wonderful human beings...
... When I was a boy there were plenty of them and we all were good friends and had so much fun until my father put them up for sale
A blind man walks into a bar...
and orders his drink. While he's waiting he asks: "Hey! Do you want to hear a blonde joke?". The woman next to him answers: " I'm blond and had the worst day ever. The bartender is a blonde and has plenty of brawn and next to you sits also a blond biker. Do you really want to tell this joke?" The blind man says: "No, not any more. I don't want to explain the joke a thousand times."
Bird Impression
A traveling sideshow puts up a help wanted ad. A guy gets all excited and applies.
The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"
The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"
The owner responds, "Pff, no thanks. Plenty of people can do that."
So the guy says "Oh..ok...well thanks anyway,' and flies away.
There are plenty of fish in the sea
but until I find the one for me, I'm going to sit here holding my rod..if you know what I mean..
What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe?
I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank
You can explore plenty abundance reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean plenty abundant dad jokes. There are also plenty puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota
Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."
Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."
As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."
Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"
But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna c**...!"
Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."
So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"
Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"
A daughter is seemingly possessed by a d**......
Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"
The Answering Machine
Hi, this is Eric.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are a telemarketer, I have no money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
A company of the French Foreign Legion are lost in the desert...
The Captain assembles his men and says: "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is... we have run out of food and there is nothing to eat but sand. The good news is... there's plenty."
An American, an Irishman and a Mexican walk into a... boat
The boat's sinking. They need to get rid of some things. The Irishman says, "I'll throw my beer into the ocean... We got plenty of that in Ireland!" The Mexican says, "I'll throw out my tacos. We got plenty of those in Mexico." The American says' "I'll throw out the Mexican, we got plenty of those in America!"
What business are you in?
I'll start
'What business are you in?'
'I'm in the Necrophiliac business.'
'How is it?'
'Fucking dead.'
**************
'What business are you in?'
'I'm in the Parkinson's business.'
'How is it?'
'Bit shaky at the moment.'
A game we played as 13 year olds. Plenty more in the tank
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend...
I said "There's plenty of fish in the sea." and he replied "Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss."
Dating is a lot like fishing
Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a r**... thermometer tucked behind her ear...
As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pencil!"
A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...
The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine v**..., throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."
Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing...
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.
Hey, do you like analogies? I got plenty!
I got analogy to rabbits, analogy to grass, analogy to mold...
I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign
I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.
I've never been booed off stage.
I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.
In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.
So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor
However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have s**... with his patients.
One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too".
The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're a veterinarian".
There's plenty more fish in the sea
But until I catch one I'm left here holding my rod.
There may be plenty of fish in the sea...
but most of them these days are catfish.
I've stood up for black people plenty of times...
Not worth getting shot over a seat on the subway.
[Politics] i**... immigrants are lucky
The government is helping them escape the US
...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs
I'm thinking of changing career and becoming a professional circumciser. . .
The pay is lousy, but I hear you get plenty of tips.
Are you disappointed you didn't have a white Christmas?
Don't worry. I heard Inauguration Day will be plenty white.
Socks are like s**...
There's plenty to go around, yet I never seem to have any.
I should've known my boyfriend was a communist.
There were plenty of red flags.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.
Cannibal 1: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Cannibal 2: "Not at all, and there's plenty to go around!"
I'm not procrastinating...
....I have plenty of time left.
- courtesy of my 12 year old son.
Women are like multiple choice tests
They give you plenty of options but there's only one right answer
So they say there are plenty of fish in the sea...
and yet here I am still playing with my rod.
There are plenty of fish in the sea...
...and they're easy to catch if you've got a big rod.
So I walked into a s**... shop the other day...
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison…
Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…
What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz?
Plenty of seats on the train ride home.
Trump stared at the eclipse yesterday, but he'll be okay...
He has plenty of practice feeling his way around.
Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.
Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.
Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?
Fully n**... British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a n**... woman before?"
Chinese Driver: I no look you n**.... I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?
They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.
But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert
As they're walking the come upon a convenience store. They go inside to gather supplies for the long journey home.
The brunette says "I'll grab plenty of water so we can have enough to drink."
The redhead says "I'll grab food so we have enough to eat."
The blonde says "I'll grab a car door in case it gets hot, we can roll down the windows!"
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?
Because they already had plenty of mediums.
It's actually really easy to quit smoking.
I've done it plenty of times.
Two brother sit under the christmas tree....
One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.
UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.
This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!
I have a kid in Africa...
I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.
The expensive part was flying him there.
I was planning to donate my body to science,
but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.
So now I'm donating my brain to religion instead.
My girlfriend is the star of the local police department's bomb squad.
When asked what is her secret to such skilled techniques, she responded:
Plenty of practice every night with a short fuse and explosions that go off early.
With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
"My s**... robot broke up with me."
"Don't worry man, there's plenty more plastic in the sea."
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane
The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
Everybody knows that a cornucopia is also called a "Horn of Plenty" but do you know its other name?
A Snaxaphone.
Rioters now have their own dating app.
It's called Plenty of Sheep
Updoot for blue cheese day! Yayy
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike.
There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
Why didn't the fruit salad get sunburnt?
Because it had plenty of melon in.
Homeless man tells the tale
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?
Oh no, nothing like that, he said, because of Coronavirus, I was unexpectedly paroled.
You are allowed to have a bad day.
You've given us plenty so keep one for yourself.
I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.
Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.
My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...
I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...
I passed the bar!
I almost stopped and went in but I thought, nah I have plenty of beer at home.
Fishing & girlfriends
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i'm stuck here holding my rod
There's plenty of fish in the sea they say.
Until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod
I went fishing with my new tackle and got plenty of bites.
Trout?
No, mosquitoes.
It was terrible, moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late.
I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.
Well, said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, how in the world did you get here at all?
Well, replied the student, finally after twenty minutes I gave up and started heading home!
Hope y'all like!
A guy walks up to a girl and says "Hey baby, I'm a pescatarian."
She says "that's the worst pickup line I've ever heard."
So he says "whatever, there's plenty of fish in the sea."
Since breaking up with my girlfriend, my dad has been there to offer me plenty of life advice.
Which is rich coming from him, considering he was dating my girlfriend.
I had a date yesterday
It was perfect.
It was everything I hope for in a date.
I was so happy after the date, I really want to try it again.
Can't stop thinking about it ever since I had it.
I don't know if I should get too attached too soon.
Besides, like they say, there are plenty other fish in the sea.
I should probably try something else as well? I think I should.
Tomorrow I'll try a grape.
A man and an alien are talking
At some point the conversation turns to religion.
The man asks: have you heard of Jesus?
The alien responds: oh yeah, he comes by twice a year.
The man, shocked says
twice a year? We have been waiting over 2,000 years for him to return!
Well maybe he didn't like your gifts, the alien says.
Gifts, the man asks perplexed?
Yeah, every time he comes we give him plenty of gifts and food, the alien says.
What did you do for him the last time he visited you guys?
An inmate appeals for parole
Judge: Why should you be granted parole?
Inmate: Within the several years that I've served, I have...
Judge: What have you learned thus far during your incarceration?
Inmate: Well I've had plenty of time to reflect which has really taught me that...
Judge: What will happen when you're back in the real world?
Inmate: Could you let me finish my sentence?
Judge: Okay, parole denied!
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.
The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
If you are ever looking for some advice, you should contact a surgeon specialising in circumcision.
They have plenty of tips.
A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...
The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was for 50.
The Apiarist replied: >!that's a free-bee!<
