Pleasure Jokes

149 pleasure jokes and hilarious pleasure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pleasure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for the perfect joke to make you smile? Check out this article for hilarious and guilty pleasure jokes that will bring you elation and pleasure in equal parts! From jokes about my pleasure being your command, to others about their counterparts, this article has it all!

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Funniest Pleasure Short Jokes

Short pleasure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pleasure humour may include short pleasuring jokes also.

  1. What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself? Your ear listening for foot steps.
  2. Hippies. Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.
  3. YUK! A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.
    He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber"
  4. David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink. It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, says the bartender.
    Just call me Hoff, he replied.
    Sure, said the bartender, No hassle.
  5. A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber "What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"
  6. What's common between a Game Tester and Gynecologist. They both look for problems in places where other men find pleasure.
  7. Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa? Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!
    Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!
    Mom: My pleasure Alan.
  8. What's the difference between a cup and a mug? being cupped is far more pleasurable than being mugged
  9. A seal walks into a bar
    A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
    The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
    The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
  10. The similarities between alcohol and girls... ... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.

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Pleasure One Liners

Which pleasure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pleasure? I can suggest the ones about satisfaction and pleasing.

  1. What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking.
  2. What do you call a cow pleasuring itself? Beef Strokinoff
  3. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?. A tearjerker
  4. It only takes 3.5 to pleasure a woman. It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.
  5. Recycling Adult Toys "One man's trash is another man's pleasure!"
  6. How does the karate Kid pleasure himself? Wax off
  7. "I find pleasure in the little things"... ...Said the pedofile to the court.
  8. I secretly love men from Scotland... It's my kilty pleasure.
  9. Hillary Clinton Style Condoms! *Rigged for her pleasure*
  10. How do you make a frog more pleasurable? Rib it
  11. Have you seen these frog-skin condoms? They're ribbet for her pleasure.
  12. How does a pornstar say good bye to a client? Nice business doing pleasure with you.
  13. What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem? A cruiseade.
  14. Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Steven Hawking's wife
  15. Don't talk to me about self pleasure. Its a very touchy subject.

My Pleasure Jokes

Here is a list of funny my pleasure jokes and even better my pleasure puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her. Fingers crossed.
  • It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure... Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.
  • I never had the pleasure of meeting you Me: I never had the pleasure of meeting you ...
    She: Come on, we've met thrice before.
    Me: Yes, but I never had the pleasure.
  • Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime.
  • If Russia and Germany would invade Poland again, who the Poles will shoot at first? Germans. Business before pleasure.
  • 90% of the money I have made.... ...has been spent on hard liquor, loose women, and other pleasures of the flesh.
    The rest I squandered.
  • I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself. I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.
  • I'd like to teach under-privelaged kids lattice geometry Nothing would give me more pleasure than getting at-risk youth hooked on crystal math.
  • Life has 3 levels of existence... Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.
  • Gynaecologists are the most negative people you can find Because they look for faults where others look for pleasure

Guilty Pleasure Jokes

Here is a list of funny guilty pleasure jokes and even better guilty pleasure puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Confession: Every now and then I still enjoy listening to one of Bill Cosby's old comedy albums. Call it a guilty pleasure.
  • What is the ultimate guilty pleasure? A warm toilet seat in a public bathroom.
  • Why are inmates obsessed with ramen? Because it's their guilty pleasure.
  • I visited my boyfriend in prison the other day for a conjugal visit. It was a guilty pleasure.
  • What is a shark's guilty pleasure? A mouth full of s**....
Pleasure joke, What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

Pleasure joke, What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

Hilarious Pleasure Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about pleasure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pleased jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pleasure pranks.

Adam's new wife

Adam had been in the garden of Eden for several years without someone to share his life with. One day, he asked God for a companion.
God said to him, "I can give you a wife that will be everything you could dream of. Humble and submissive, she will make your life nothing but pleasurable. However, to make her I'll need an arm and a leg."
Adam says, "Aw what, that s**...! What can I get for a rib?"

I have trained a cup full of meal-worms to give me s**... pleasure...

...I'm a master baiter

An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local h**... and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

A man is asked to give a speech on r**......

He stands up and says "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."
Then sat down.

Check up.

So a guy goes to the doctor to get his check up. He gets in there and the doctors looking him over and says "you're going to have to stop pleasuring yourself" and the man asks why? The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you".

A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"
So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.


A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.

When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"

What did the p**... say to her client?

"It's a business doing pleasure with you."

Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"

Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

So a man is at an airport.

He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."

The pleasure is all mine...

The greeting of a greedy hedonist.

Dean of Women...

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on s**... morality.
We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?

How much of s**... is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Three Universities ...

Three Universities all done research into why a mans bell end is shaped the way it is.
Oxford Uni spent £100,000 in 6 months and came to the conclusion it is for the pleasure of the woman.
Cambridge Uni spent £250,000 in 18 months and came to the conclusion its for the pleasure of the man.
Dublin Uni spent 50 pence in 5 minutes and came to the conclusion its to stop your hand flying off the end.

What did the p**... say to her customer after he finished paying?

"It was a business doing pleasure with you."

What did the New York Banker Type say to the p**... after their transaction was complete?

It was a business doing pleasure with you.

I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881

A married woman said to her husband. You have never taken me to the cemetery. No dear, replied he. that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.

How do you pleasure a capitalist?

An invisible h**....

s**... Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave
Sometimes you do none of the work
Sometimes you have to pay the person filling
Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"d**... I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"

What do you call it when trash pandas pleasure each other o**...?


I just got back from a pleasure trip

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I guess some things will never change...

I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is $400 a week.
"I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied,
"With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

Adam was the original s**...-positive feminist...

He was ribbed for her pleasure.

There once was a mouse called Keith

Who did circumcisions for free with his teeth;
He didn't do it for pleasure,
Excitement or leisure...
He did it for the cheese underneath.

What's the difference between Santa Clause and a p**...?

Nothing, they both like to unload their sacks while pleasuring children.

A man was in Japan, and had hired a p**...

And as he was going at it, she was screaming "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!"
He took this as that she was screaming with pleasure, and kept going.
The next day, he was playing golf with some Japanese friends. On one hole, he manages to score a hole in one. He jumps up into the air and exclaims "Fujifoo!"
His friends say to him "No, no, it's the right hole..."

It hurts every time!

During high-school health class, the topic of s**... came up. Whilst discussing it, the teacher described it as, "the most pleasurable experience you will ever have".
After hearing this, a girl from the back of the class calls out, "You're lying! It hurts every time!"
Puzzled, the teacher finally clicks and asks, "You aren't devoutly religious, by any chance...?"

What did the sign say at a s**... club

Business doing pleasure for you

What is a sure way to pleasure 9 out of 10 people?

Gang r**....

Is it any wonder men have been obsessed with s**... since biblical times?

After all, Adam was ribbed for his own pleasure

A Chinese man is making love to his wife...

The man is going for it m**... style, he slides up her body, kisses her softly and whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna 69!". Immediately, her face turns from pleasure to confusion and anger, she replies, "You want Salt and Pepper Chicken NOW?"

I've never been interrupted while m**...

I've always had the pleasure of never being interrupted while m**.... I don't know if it's because I play it safe or the people next to me just don't want to be rude.

How will Trump select his cabinet?

The Apprentice: the White House
Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated l**...?

It was a pleasure to burn.

Apart from humans, the only creature that has s**... for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

How do Jamaicans pleasure themselves?


I made love to my wife last night but instead of using a normal c**..., I used a frog skin…

I thought I'd rib it for her pleasure.

Why are the vegetarians silent during s**...?

Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.

What does the h**... say after you pay her?

Thank you, it's a business doing pleasure with you.

What do you call Einstein pleasuring himself?

A s**... of genius.

A joke a Polish colleague just told me.

When a Polish man is tasked with killing a German and a Russian, he is asked who he will kill first.
The answer is first the German, after the Russian.
When asking for an explanation, he says 'Duty comes first, pleasure comes after'.

An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

Why are frogs so good at s**...?

Because they're ribbited for her pleasure

What does a toymaker do to pleasure himself?

Jack in the box

I came home early and caught my wife pleasuring my best friend...

...but it's okay. m**... is perfectly healthy and natural.

Blind Man

A woman is taking a shower when there's a knock at her door. The person calls out blind man . The woman figures the man can't see her in the n**..., so she steps out of the shower and walks to the door. The man is greeted by quite the surprise and takes pleasure in looking at the woman from top to bottom. To her shock, the man can see perfectly and after a few moments, asks her where he can put up her new window blinds.

A large discussion is held about a car manufacturer coaxing young Mr. Bating while he pleasures himself.

Mass debating Mazda bating m**... Master Bating

How'd the r**... find his daughter in the woods?


Trying to sleep is like pleasuring a woman

If you succeed in doing it, you won't remember how you succeeded the next time you try it.

What do you call a pickle when you use it to pleasure yourself?

A dill-do.

That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. -Henry David Thoreau


Unexpected morning s**...:

I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.

Vegan girls never moan during s**...

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.

What do you say to a h**... as she's leaving?

It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

Arrested at the airport

I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911

Pleasure joke, Arrested at the airport

jokes about pleasure