Pleased Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.

So far I've got twelve fridges.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet

So far I've got eight fridges

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A young blonde comes home from school

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.

johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"

johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"

johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.

Gsus

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

I bought a really nice 12 year old scotch

obviously his parents weren't very pleased

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists

and I'm pleased to say it is flying off the shelves.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

I'll never forget my wife's last words

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Roger Waters nearly joined Earth, Wind & Fire.

Earth & Wind were pleased but Fire was a bit put out.

Trip to Japan

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan, and he hires a hooker. The whole night the hooker keeps screaming, "Hosthimota! Hosthimota!"

The man doesn't know what the word means, but he's positive he's pleased the hooker to the best of his abilities, and thus assumes it's positive.

The next day he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partners when he makes a hole in one! Everyone is congratulating him, and he can't think of anything to say but, "Hosthimota!"

The applause stop, and one of the business partners turns to him and says, "No, sir. That *was* the right hole.

There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

How to speak English

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a Cycle "

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My Cycle."

Jared Fogle is pleased sentence is under 18 years.

I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer

He wasn't pleased

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull.

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked The Banker

"I don't know, but they got a peppermint taste."

The banker considered this for a second and made a dash for his car.

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary and cannot remember the gift that you sent. I may correspond in the future with you further."

Days later in the wise men's house, another letter arrives.

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan.

One day he decides to hire a hooker.

The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"

He can't quite remember what the word means, but he is positive that he pleased the hooker to the best of his ability.

The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, when he suddenly makes a hole in one.

Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese, and he can't think of anything to say but "Hoshimota!"

Concerned, his partner turns to him and says: "What do you mean 'The wrong hole'?"

King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.

The carpenter had cut some corners.

Christian Kittens

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.

When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.

The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.

A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again. "And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl.

"But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.

Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.

A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"

Drunk homecoming

A man stumbles up the driveway to his house at 6 in the morning, barely able to stand on his feet. He manages to reach the door but finds it locked and then proceeds to knock.

knock, knock, knock....

After a while his wife comes and opens the door, in a less than a pleased mood.

"What possible reason could you have for coming home at this hour!?"

Slurring and struggling to form words, but managing it in the end the man replies.
"Breakfast!"

My wife was none too pleased when I named our newborn daughter "Jen".

I don't know why, I think Jen Italia is a beautiful name.

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper, surprised and pleased, says, "Oh, really? Tom Collins?"

This is my favorite joke.

My mother-in-law came into work at lunch time today, and I must admit unlike other men, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

By the way I'm an undertaker.

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.

My daughter received an iPod for hers.

For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.

My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.

Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

For all you boxing fans out there

Eighty year old woman, huge boxing fan, decides to get a couple of tattoos of her favourite pugilists done.
One of Mohamed Ali on the inside of her upper right thigh, one of Mike Tyson on the inside of her upper left thigh.
Pleased as punch, she goes home to her husband, lifts up her dress, spreads her legs and says, ' Well, what do you think of these?'
Husband replies 'The one on the right could be Mohamed Ali, the one on the left might be Mike Tyson, but the one in the middle is definitely Don King.

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.

The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he says.

Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"

"I'm Yakobo"

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need only paper and pens."

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"

What animal satisfies it's females until they are so pleased they can take no more?

Macaque

The best blond joke I know.

This blond woman was tired of all these "stupid blond jokes." So she decided to do something about it. She went to a salon and dyed her hair black. On the drive home, feeling very pleased about not being blond anymore, she spots this stupid blond on her front yard rowing a boat and not going anywhere. She says to herself.

"Thats it! Iv'e had enough, I'm going to say something!"

She pulls over her car gets out and walks to the edge of the lawn that the blond is rowing her boat in. She screams at the blond.

"You know it's stupid blonds like you that made me dye my hair black!"

But no response, the blond women just kept trying to row the boat on the lawn. The more she watched the more she become upset and frustrated until she yells out.

"You're lucky I can't swim or else I'd swim over there right now and tip that boat over!"

I work on a jaundice support hotline.

The boss was not too pleased I was answering the phone with: yellow.

I was making fun of my Dad's new Thai bride, and he wasn't too happy about it.

My dad wasn't too pleased either.

"Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret!!!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

I could have married anybody I pleased...

the problem is, I haven't pleased anybody yet.

3 criminals are about to be executed by firing squad

The first one is told to get in front and the marshal count down. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts TORNADO and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the prisoner runs away.

The marshal isn't pleased and orders the second prisoner to the line. He counts down 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts EARTHQUAKE and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the second prisoner runs away.

The Marshall is furious at this point and orders the third prisoner to the line. No tricks! He yells and begins counting. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts FIRE and points behind the soldiers as they fire.

I got a tattoo...

The tattoo reads "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

My tattoo artist wasn't as pleased about the version I gave him.

They weren't pleased that I played I heavy metal song in the church

but I resolved it on Gsus

The zoo inspector and the monkey

Once upon a time, an inspector planned to come to a zoo, as it wasn't doing well and didn't make profit. That became a problem to the managers who didn't want him to find out that they sold the monkey.

So they approached bill, a janitor and a faithful worker there and gave him a monkey suit and told him how to act like a monkey, and it will only last until the inspector leaves.

Came the inspector, the worker was in the cage and started acting like a monkey. The inspector wasn't pleased with the animal and thought that it was sick and old, so he told throw the monkey to the lion and get a new one, and the managers agreed.

Bill lied there still and overwhelmed with shock, because, after all these years working faithfully, they agreed to throw him just like that! He was paralyzed with shock when they threw him in the lion's cage. The lion came slowly and Bill was afraid and lost, when the lion whispered to him : "Don't worry, I'm Joe the cotton candy guy"

My girl started to cry really loud..

So I figured "perhaps she wants a diaper". I tried putting a diaper on but she just started screaming louder and kicking hard at me.

So I figured "maybe she is tires?". I tried putting her to bed but she just rolled around screaming even louder and throwing stuff at me.

Then I figured it out "she must be hungry!". I put her in front of the food in front of the table and she started eating like never before. Finally she was pleased and happy!...

Jesus... Nobody told me it would be this hard to be married..

Why do men prefer dogs to women?

If you get angry with a dog, and lock it outside in the cold for half an hour while you calm down, the dog will be pleased to see you when you let it back in.

A man decides to purchase a horse...

From a religious woman. She instructs the man that to encourage the horse to run he must say: "Thank god" and to stop the horse: "amen". The man acknowledges this and rides home, pleased with his purchase. The next week he is out riding the horse when he notices he is riding toward a cliff. Panicking he tells the horse to heel. The horse continues to gallop toward the cliff edge as his rider continues to yell "stop" until right at the last minute he remembers the key word. "Amen!" he yells just in time for the horse to stop inches from the edge of the cliff. The man exclaims "Thank god!"

My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly.

Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes!

^(Based on a true story)

What's the difference between obsequious behaviour towards someone important in order to gain advantage and John Wayne Gacy wearing a top hat and monocle?

One is sycophancy and the other is a fancy sicko.

(As far as I'm aware this is an original joke that I created and am quite pleased with)

New Hearing Aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!

So Donald Trump is standing on the nearly completed US-Mexican wall...

President Trump is standing on the US-Mexico border, next to his nearly completed border wall.

Alongside him is the president of Mexico who is smiling and looking genuinely pleased.

**Trump**:Β  I have just added the final brick onto the wall so it is now complete. What are you smiling about.

**Mexican President**:Β  I'm just really happy that you decided to build this beautiful wall.

**Trump**:Β  Why?

**Mexican President**:Β  Because you are in Mexico at the moment.

An angry man walks into his bedroom, carrying a sheep

His wife doesn't seem pleased. The man yells out angrily "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"!

The wife replies "that's no pig, thats a sheep".

The man says "I was talking to the sheep"!

A Sunday School teacher was teaching her young students

When she decided to ask them where Jesus lives. A young little girl raises her hand and says "Jesus lives in heaven with God!" A young boy says "Jesus lives in our hearts!" The teacher was quite pleased with their answers until she saw Little Johnny raise his hand. She calls on Johnny and he says "Jesus lives in my bathroom." The teacher was confused so she asked him where he got his answer from, too which he replies "Every morning I hear my daddy go to the bathroom and yell Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

The hungry man in church

A hungry man goes to church and kneels down altar and starts praying. He prays out loud "Lord, please give me food"..and *THWACK* a piece of meat drops before him. The guys was so pleased and happy, he took the meat and off he went.
The second day, he comes back, and prays "Lord, please give me my meal"...and THWACK*. Extremely pleased, the man went home.
He decides to try his luck yet again and gooes back to curch and starts to pray, but it hits him to be suspicious and while he was saying "Lord, please..." He looks up...and sees a leper painting the ceiling.

I was trying to surf yesterday

The crowd wasn't too pleased. No one even waved.

So I went to this concert with my wife

And I recognized one of the violin players from my highschool marching band. He played fine, but not outstanding. My wife also recognized him. So after the concert we decided to say hi.

"Has anyone told you that you were the best violin player in the world?"

My friend was quite surprised from my wife's comment and also quite pleased. But before he could reply my wife continued.

"Ever wonder why?"

I'm really pleased to see a surge of interest in Information Technology.

Some of the most popular videos on YouTube right now are about IT!

A father is concerned with his son's bad grades in math

so he decides to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the first marking period, the son has an A in math.

The father is pleased, but he asks his son, "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"

The son replies, "I knew they meant business when I saw the guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign!"

Our doctor told us that vaginal delivery is definitely an option..

But when the hooker arrived at our place the next day, my wife was *not* pleased.

I finally hit rock bottom today.

Dwayne Johnson was not pleased.

Puzzling

The blonde was so pleased with herself, she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 3 months! The box said 3\-5 years.

Ariel Sharon postage stamp

Ariel Sharon wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it before he is kicked out of office.

So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high International quality. The stamps are created, printed, and released. Sharon is very pleased.

But within a few days of release of the stamp, he begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking, and he becomes infuriated.

He calls the people responsible and orders them to investigate the matter.

They check the matter out at several post offices, and they report the problem to Sharon.

The report states, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp.The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

Pleased to eat you.

Asked for advice about dating, a father tells his son, "Son, the object of dating is to score...

"And to do that," he continues, "you have to give the girl something nice. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or
chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, taking his father's advice, the son showed up for his first date with flowers AND chocolates. She was so flattered and pleased that she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him, rubbed her fingers through his hair -- it was the best kiss he could imagine.

Right after the kiss, he turned and bolted away.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" the girl called after him. "I didn't mean to scare you away!"

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to buy you some jewelry!"

I bought my friend a copy of The Lord of the Rings but he didn't seem that pleased.

He though it was a Tolkien gesture.

I was actually pleased when my ex husband came into money..

He lost his job at the bank

Are you proud of how polite your child is?

Yeah, I'm pretty pleased.

A rabbi, a priest and a nun ...

A rabbi, a priest and a nun were walking down a forest path chatting whence all of a sudden a bright light appeared and an angel came forth saying that God had offered each of them a small piece of cloth to do as they please with.

The rabbi exulted that he will fashion it into a skull cap and was so pleased that he promised immediately to return to the same spot every day for the rest of his life to see if he could procure even more holy cloth.

The priest said he will fashion it into a dog collar and also return to the same spot in the hope of getting more.

The rabbi and priest both looked at the nun as she stood their defiantly......"I'm NOT making a habit out of this".

I looked left, then I looked right. I looked left again...

Then I pulled out... she wasn't pleased.

What are the funniest pleased jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Pleased? Well, here are the best Pleased puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Pleased pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes