Pleased Jokes

I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.

Water p**...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

A Sunday School teacher was teaching her young students

When she decided to ask them where Jesus lives. A young little girl raises her hand and says "Jesus lives in heaven with God!" A young boy says "Jesus lives in our hearts!" The teacher was quite pleased with their answers until she saw Little Johnny raise his hand. She calls on Johnny and he says "Jesus lives in my bathroom." The teacher was confused so she asked him where he got his answer from, too which he replies "Every morning I hear my daddy go to the bathroom and yell Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their d**...?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Golfing on the sabbath

One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"

My wife was none too pleased when I named our newborn daughter "Jen".

I don't know why, I think Jen Italia is a beautiful name.

Roger Waters nearly joined Earth, Wind & Fire.

Earth & Wind were pleased but Fire was a bit put out.

A man walk into a room where three blondes are finally finishing a puzzle. "It's been 5 years now! Are you finally finished?" They look very pleased with themselves and answer.

"Yep, and only half the time. The box said 10 years and up".

A dog is better than a wife.

A dog finds it interesting when you smell of another dog. A dog thinks it's funny if you come home drunk. Still not convinced? Lock your dog and your wife in the shed for an hour and note, when you let them out, which is most pleased to see you.

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.
johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"
johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"
johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

Our doctor told us that v**... delivery is definitely an option..

But when the h**... arrived at our place the next day, my wife was *not* pleased.

King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.

The carpenter had cut some corners.

Jared Fogle is pleased sentence is under 18 years.

They weren't pleased that I played I heavy metal song in the church

but I resolved it on Gsus

I bought my friend a copy of The Lord of the Rings but he didn't seem that pleased.

He though it was a Tolkien gesture.

I've just sold some glass rockets to Kim Jong Un.

I hope he's pleased with his new, clear weapons.

It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.
Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.
A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"

There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their p**...?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.

Gsus

I recently bought an alcoholic ginger beer

He wasn't pleased

I'll never forget my wife's last words

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

What's the difference between obsequious behaviour towards someone important in order to gain advantage and John Wayne Gacy wearing a top hat and monocle?

One is sycophancy and the other is a fancy sicko.
(As far as I'm aware this is an original joke that I created and am quite pleased with)

What animal satisfies it's females until they are so pleased they can take no more?

Macaque

Today I attended a satinic ritual

The goddess of silk was thoroughly pleased

Are you proud of how polite your child is?

Yeah, I'm pretty pleased.

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary and cannot remember the gift that you sent. I may correspond in the future with you further."
Days later in the wise men's house, another letter arrives.

I'm really pleased to see a surge of interest in Information Technology.

Some of the most popular videos on YouTube right now are about IT!

My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly.

Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes!
^(Based on a true story)

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" "You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!

A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.
The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need only paper and pens."

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists

and I'm pleased to say it is flying off the shelves.

Why do men prefer dogs to women?

If you get angry with a dog, and lock it outside in the cold for half an hour while you calm down, the dog will be pleased to see you when you let it back in.

So I went to this concert with my wife

And I recognized one of the violin players from my highschool marching band. He played fine, but not outstanding. My wife also recognized him. So after the concert we decided to say hi.
"Has anyone told you that you were the best violin player in the world?"
My friend was quite surprised from my wife's comment and also quite pleased. But before he could reply my wife continued.
"Ever wonder why?"

New Hearing Aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says, Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!

I was trying to surf yesterday

The crowd wasn't too pleased. No one even waved.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

Pleased to eat you.

My mother-in-law came into work at lunch time today, and I must admit unlike other men, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

By the way I'm an undertaker.

I got a tattoo...

The tattoo reads "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
My tattoo artist wasn't as pleased about the version I gave him.

A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own u**....

A father is concerned with his son's bad grades in math

so he decides to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the first marking period, the son has an A in math.
The father is pleased, but he asks his son, "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
The son replies, "I knew they meant business when I saw the guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign!"

Puzzling

The blonde was so pleased with herself, she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 3 months! The box said 3\-5 years.

I could have married anybody I pleased...

the problem is, I haven't pleased anybody yet.

I bought a really nice 12 year old scotch

obviously his parents weren't very pleased

An angry man walks into his bedroom, carrying a sheep

His wife doesn't seem pleased. The man yells out angrily "This is the pig I have s**... with when you have a headache"!
The wife replies "that's no pig, thats a sheep".
The man says "I was talking to the sheep"!

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

I'm very pleased with my birthday gift from my lesbian neighbors

I was expecting a Timex when I told them "I wanna watch", but this is even better!

I followed a fly into the restroom

The guy it belonged to was not pleased when I tried to grab it.

I was making fun of my Dad's new Thai bride, and he wasn't too happy about it.

My dad wasn't too pleased either.

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper, surprised and pleased, says, "Oh, really? Tom Collins?"

I finally hit rock bottom today.

Dwayne Johnson was not pleased.

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

I was actually pleased when my ex husband came into money..

He lost his job at the bank

Perfectly spell-checked poem

- I have a spelling checker.
- It came with my PC,
- It plainly marks four my r**...,
- Mistakes I cannot sea.
- I've run this poem threw it,
- I'm sure your pleased to no,
- Its letter purfect in it's weigh,
- My checker tolled me sew.
- Cents I began to youse it,
- I'm reel, reel pleased eye I got won.
- My righting's sew much bettor now,
- Ware wood eye bee without won.

I got pulled over for speeding on the Motorway last week...

The officer didn't seem to pleased when I told him I was trying to get back to 1955

A captain enhances his soldiers' spirit before going to battle

He asks Ryan first
\- What is America, you?
\- It is my mother, and I love it more than anything.
\- What would you do for her?
\- I would sacrifice myself, if necessary.
Pleased, he asks Forrest
\- And you, do you love America, soldier?
\- Yes, but actually no, sir.
\- Why is that, soldier?
\- It would be morally wrong, sir. Ryan's mom is married, and I ain't a big fan of m**....

Why was the first person to have their eyes genetically edited so pleased?

Well, who wouldn't want CRISPR vision?

I tore down a statue today during a protest

turns out it was one of those guys spraypainted silver, he wasn't pleased

Which came first?

Late one night, a chicken was laying in bed with an egg.
The chicken was laying back, smoking a cigarette, and feeling quite pleased with himself.
The egg was clearly upset and huffed as she rolled onto her side. As she was pulling the blanket over herself, she said in a very annoyed tone of voice...
"Well I guess we finally answered *that* question now didn't we?"

Use the word 'and' fives times in a row.

In exchange for lunch, a starving artist offered to paint a new sign for "The King and Queen" pub. Of course the proprietor quickly agreed, but when he saw the new sign he was not entirely pleased.
"There should be a bit more space between King and And, and And and King"

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.
She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.
Me : "You decide".
She : "No, you should decide"
Me : "No, you decide"
She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"
Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll m**... your father."
Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.
He asks, "What happens next?"
"Then you'll take his throne."
Oedipus is pleased to hear that he'll become king, but there must be more to his fate.
"And what happens next?"
"Then you'll sleep with Joe."
Oedipus is confused.
"Who's Joe?"

Bill Cosby

University of Michigan is pleased to announce a gift from the Cosby family for the new school to be names in his honor.
The Sleep Studies Center for women.

Sir, the numbers are in and I'm pleased to report that chimney sales are through the roof.

But our kindling branch is up in smoke.

h**... used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."
How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?
"Do you know what day I'm going to die?"
Of course.
"Well, what day am I going to die?"
Sir, you are going to die on a Jewish holiday.
"Mein gott! That's terrible. What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"
Any day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday.

I work at a store that was burglarized.

An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
He didn't seem pleased when I answered:
"Kindergarten."

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says that he must order a beverage
Pleased, the programmer leaves the bar.
A little later another customer enters the bar and orders 2 beers.
The bar explodes

I got lucky in a bar

I got lucky in a bar and ended up taking a nurse home last night for s**....
As I stripped off in front of her I said, you must have seen a few d**... where you work - how does mine rate?
It's slightly bigger than most I see she said.
Thanks I replied feeling quite pleased with myself, where do you work exactly?
I'm a midwife.